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Last updated on August 9th, 2017 at 05:37 am
An NPR broadcast from September 2014, as imagined by some Daily Kos muppet:
Former President George W. Bush began serving consecutive life sentences today for High Treason in connection convictions for creating a false casus beli for War with Iraq. He was sentenced to Life plus 100 years. He is also serving a life term for warrantless wiretapping.
The “plus 100 years” is a nice touch; apparently future judges assume an afterlife.
President Jon Stewart today said, “It’s a little sad really. I owe him a lot. I mean, basically he launched my career.” Vice President Colbert was unavailable while vacationing in France visiting relatives and stopping by the new UN Headquarters in London on the way back from his rest. In a prepared statement, the Vice President said, “We are all sad and shamed at what George W Bush wrought upon this great nation. Perhaps this will be the new beginning America needs.”
And so on and on, until … well, your sides won’t exactly split with laughter. In fact, any pre-existing side-located wounds will most likely heal closed. Further highlights:
• Dick Cheney waterboarded following his conviction in a “secret military tribunal”;
• Michael J. Fox competes in a marathon following successful stem cell therapy;
• Former Bush officials sentenced to harvest stem cells in the former Huntsville Penitentiary;
• Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly convicted for “propaganda”, stripped of their citizenship, and sentenced to life imprisonment;
• Mona Charen “eaten by some wild animal” after escaping prison;
• “Ann Coulter, Michelle Malagang and Judith Miller” denied parole and ordered not to “speak in public or publish for the rest of their lives”;
• Chelsea Clinton appointed National Health Care Director, in which role she will “administer the application of free medicine to Americans”;
• An Ohio student wins one million dollars for showing “evolutionary changes in house flies in two generations”;
• “Election experts predict massive Congressional wins for the Progressive Party that is expected to hold 200 seats. Democrats will likely hold onto 20 of the remaining 38 seats and Independants will hold the rest. Under the National Restoration Freedom Act, Republicans will not be allowed to fly, vote or run for office until 2030”;
• Markos Moulitsas is a billionaire;
• Palestine becomes a nation in 2009, and;
• Terrorism declines for the sixth consecutive year.
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