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Last updated on May 20th, 2017 at 07:30 am
This year’s Melbourne Comedy Festival – an event preoccupied with global warming, species extinction and wars over oil – is tanking:
Fewer people are laughing as audiences dip at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival … Director Susan Provan said bookings were well down on last year …
Among other factors blamed for this warmenist comic collapse: variable weather. This is the funniest news since Ten’s Cool Aid blockbuster failed to bust a single block. Punchline:
The Age is a festival sponsor.
UPDATE. Bitch goddess Gaia deals out a further smiting to her followers:
Tens of thousands of city commuters face long delays getting home as wild weather wreaks havoc on Melbourne’s public transport system …
At the height of the storm, a Victoria Police spokeswoman said: “We are asking people who are in the city, who don’t need to be here, think about moving out.’‘
Low crowds tonight, then.
(Via Andrew R.)
UPDATE II. More Comedy Festival hilarity:
A magic trick went “horribly wrong’ at a weekend Melbourne Comedy Festival show, but audience members had to sign a confidentiality agreement to stop them revealing details …
An audience member, who wished to remain anonymous, told Confidential that “something went horribly wrong”.
She said all members of the audience had to sign a “secrecy agreement” before they left the venue preventing them from telling anyone what happened.
John Howard’s fascist Australia lives!
(Via lingus4)
How can they not get it?? People want to laugh at comedy events, not be preached at about the impending doom of an apocalypse. They’d probably get more laughs if they became flaggelants, wearing sackcloth and whipping each other.
Posted by AlburyShifton on 2008 04 02 at 08:15 AM • permalink
Just dropping in over breakfast. Can someone tell me what this play is about:
Daniel Kitson’s The Impotent Fury of the Privileged
It sounds like an Al Gore biogrophy, the sore-loserman.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 02 at 08:22 AM • permalink
Top 11 Geek Solutions for Global Warming
10, 7, and 3 in particular should be put forward at KevFest 2020.
- Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 02 at 08:23 AM • permalink
These people are going from the sublime to the ridiculous. ‘Variable Weather?’ The weather does have a tendency to be ‘variable’ in Autumn, always has, always will. Listening to the radio this morning, concerning the brewing storms, a very worried sounding and concerned ‘environista’ claimed it was probably due to Globula Warming/Climate Change or whatever they are calling it these days.
As I pointed out previously, Wil Anderson – who is normally as funny as finding a piece of snot in your Thai curry – managed to set a new low even by his already abominable standards.
I don’t know if his Glass House offsider, the slatternly Corrine Grant, got a gig but she’s about as funny as bladder cancer.
These people don’t understand that they don’t represent the mainstream view in Australia. They need to go back to being apolitical and focusing on comedy rather than inane political ‘observations’.
Posted by Jack Lacton on 2008 04 02 at 08:50 AM • permalink
#4 Wimpy; I googled it and it sounds like he’s trying to be Don Rickles.
Posted by dean martin on 2008 04 02 at 08:51 AM • permalink
I sat through the “highlights” of this alleged comedy galah, and except for the Umbilical Bros and a mildly amusing skit about Irish dancing using trousers with boots attached on poles to pad out the chorus line (and swiped from a Simpsons episode) it was flatter than Kerry Nettle’s chemise- I’ve popped funnier things out of my bot, with better timing as well. The same old suspects doing the same old schtick, with what appeared to be an audience made up of Centrelink clerks who laughed on cue to reassure each other that they have an edgy, out there sense of humour and aren’t the dorks they certainly appear to be. The Aboriginal comedian was particularly pathetic, and the guilt-addled audience rewarded his rather racist routine (white people are so lame, no sense of rythmn- again swiped from The Simpsons, and quite mystifying really as the contribution to popular music from indiginies is limited to the likes of these genre-confused artistes and their like) with polite titters and embarrassed silences during punchlines. I had the good fortune to miss former Glasshouse hilarity generator Wil Anderson, but did see hasbeen fatso Julia Morris slag off Britain, where apparently she has been residing and causing a major chip and lard shortage, and accuse the British of being genocidal rapists- talk about cutting edge! I note she didn’t mention the rape and genocide currently occurring in Dafur, but that’s a subject not for discussion as it’s only darkies doing it to each other, and we have to expect that to go on, don’t we? And perhaps fellow followers of Mighty Mo (PBUH) might be offended by such gags, and saw her gargantuan noggin off (if they can locate something capable of hacking through the turkey wattles that surround her flabby neck- never seen bingo wings on a chin before).
On topic: Audience silenced when beer bottle trick goes wrong
A magic trick went “horribly wrong’ at a weekend Melbourne Comedy Festival show …
- 2 suicide bombers walk into a comedy festival
Boom, Boom…../ Mr Speilberg im ready for my call now..Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 04 02 at 10:00 AM • permalink
“A lot of magicians have secrecy agreements on stand-by in case something goes wrong.”
Hmmm. Question 1: How is a secrecy agreement valid? Where’s the quid pro quo? The I’ll give you something in exchange for you giving me something? Was the something the audience members received just being to leave?
Question 2: Just how many persons were in the audience? Obviously few enough that they could be stopped and required to sign a piece of paper. “Hey, you two! Ya ain’t get out till you sign this here contract!”
Posted by wronwright on 2008 04 02 at 11:01 AM • permalink
#15, #20. Go see Oliver Clarke (Forunm Theatre). He doesn’t do politics, he does comedy. Full stop and he plays a good bluesy guitar too. You won’t regret it and if you do, I’ll…I’ll…make up a rhyme about it here!
And self-flagellate online! So there! And I’m not even Catholic!
Posted by carpefraise on 2008 04 02 at 11:02 AM • permalink
- Posted by carpefraise on 2008 04 02 at 11:04 AM • permalink
This whole “sign a secrecy agreement or we won’t let you leave” thing sounds highly illegal.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2008 04 02 at 11:06 AM • permalink
I’d also say “hoax”, for publicity purposes.
Posted by rick mcginnis on 2008 04 02 at 11:10 AM • permalink
God damn, I wish I’d been there to say, “I’m not signing your agreement, I’m revealing everything I saw at Blair’s site, and please, please sue me. Please?”
Posted by Mambo Bananapatch on 2008 04 02 at 11:18 AM • permalink
Just wanted to give you all an update about the effects of the big Energy Actipon Coalition “Fossil Fools” demostration we were warned abouthere in Chicago.
NOTHING. It was a bigger bust that the Iraq War demonstration last month. At least there, I got accosted on the El by a guy carrying a coffin.
Maybe they “spanked the bank” once too often and went blind.
In other Gaia news, thanks to global warming, Chicago broke a record for the LONGEST PERIOD BETWEEN 70 degree days. And it is still cold today.
Sign a secrecy aggreement or you can’t leave? Last time I checked holding someone against their will was kidnapping.
Posted by tabitharuth on 2008 04 02 at 11:50 AM • permalink
I believe the incentive to sign such a secrecy agreement is financial, rather than coercive.
Posted by Steve at the pub on 2008 04 02 at 12:03 PM • permalink
That’s why it’s called “Global Climate Change” now, so that any unusually cold weather, or even a cooling trend, can be associated with AGW.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2008 04 02 at 12:07 PM • permalink
Will the “Melbourne Comedy Festival Beer Bottle Incident” achieve Cultural Legend status, or will it be quietly forgotten with a shrug of the shoulder?
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2008 04 02 at 12:14 PM • permalink
“Something went horribly wrong”
usually followed by,
“Is there a doctor in the house?”
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2008 04 02 at 12:20 PM • permalink
Considering these guys seem to have a habit of ripping off better comedians and magicians, they may have tried to copy the beer bottle demonstration from Penn and Teller. Penn explains that its much harder to juggle bottles than knives, which tend to be evenly balanced. He then goes on to smash the bottles open and start juggling these jagged bottles o’ death. Frequently he has to stop the trick when one of the bottles breaks wrong and explain that no magic trick is worth his eye. He tosses that one away and breaks another one to juggle. He knows what he’s doing, you see.
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2008 04 02 at 12:41 PM • permalink
- #47, ” Isn’t
“Something went horribly wrong”
usually followed by,
“Is there a doctor in the house?” “
With this crowd? It’s more likely followed by, “It’s not my fault!”Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2008 04 02 at 12:44 PM • permalink
#22: The audience member said the trick that went wrong involved a broken beer bottle, but she would not elaborate.
In the show, magician Tim Ellis “swallows razorblades, pushes needles through his skin and does whatever the evil Sudoku tells him to”.
Oh, I know. The guy swallowed all those razor blades and stuff, drank the beer, and then the beer unexpectedly came pouring out of him through a lot of little holes, kinda like he was a human colander. I’ve seen it in cartoons lots of times.
- Let’s Run It Up the Flagpole
and See Who Sets Fire to It: The catch-phrase that I would suggest
For Melbourne’s next Comedy Fest
Has something inventive and new:
The virtue of being quite true.It could be on tee shirts and mugs
And even celebrity plugs,
Repeated in print and in song,
It’s: ‘Something went horribly wrong.’
OT – it looks like Mugabe has lost the election, 50.3% to 43.8%. Considering all that he has done to a once prosperous nation:
Inflation 10000000000% and climbing
Life expectancy now the lowest in the world
Beatings and repression
Forced acquisitions of property and companies
Starvation
Fuel and food queueshe still gets 43.8%???? I really hope this is rigged as it would be beyond a joke if despite all that almost half the population still voted for him. What do you have to do to get kicked out over there?
- They went there to laugh,
They went there to play,
Then the weather turned naff,
And they all ran away.The humor was dire,
The magic was worse,
Their hopes ablaze on a pyre,
Like some heinous right-wing curse.For a joke and a song,
Went the proud hippie nation,
“Something went horribly wrong!”
What a perfect summation!Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2008 04 02 at 04:08 PM • permalink
#53 Lyle: The title is as funny as the poem! Great work.
(Calls Wronwright: “Wron? Paco. Dude, if this guy starts doing prose, we’ve had it. We’ll be lucky to get a gig on Web Diary. I wrote Glenn Reynolds and asked if he’d buy Lyle’s contract from Tim, but I just got a one-syllable response: “Heh”. Doesn’t Karl need a poet to compose an epic account of his life?).
- #56
I think he already has one. It’s like Ozymandias but without the ironic downer ending.Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2008 04 02 at 04:29 PM • permalink
- Frollicking
He tried to join Hamas: he bombed.CheersPosted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2008 04 02 at 04:38 PM • permalink
Probably. Karl seems to like the guy, but I don’t see why. I mean take away the rhyme, the humor, the brilliant word selection and catchy cadence, what do you have? My poems.
I say let’s arrange an accident. Maybe nothing lethal exactly. Just send him the right message, like we did with Lileks. And Iowahawk. And, of course, Jules Crittenden. You either leave and take your attention stealing genius with you or you die a horrific death.
Find out what hobbies he has. Bicycling? Mountain climbing? Hell, I’ll even take flower arrangement. lyle is due for a nasty tumble.
Posted by wronwright on 2008 04 02 at 04:39 PM • permalink
The stunt at the Northcote Town Hall is a publicity stunt to lift flagging ticket sales. There is no legal validity in a confidentiality agreement signed under duress.
The fact that the truth of the incident hasn’t been disclosed raises two possibilities – it never happened or the audience was so small that the performer could convince both of them to go along with the stunt.
Suppose they gave a comedy festival and nobody laughed…
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 04 02 at 05:41 PM • permalink
#60: If his hobby is flower arrangement, I think we’ve got it covered: killer bees lurking in a vase of gardenia blossoms. Let me touch base with Andrea.
BTW, and totally O/T, Obama wants Al Gore in his cabinet. I think that’s where he belongs, too; maybe in that hard-to-reach cabinet over the refrigerator where you keep old recipes and cracked coffee mugs.
“A woman at a town hall asked the Illinois senator if elected president would he consider tapping the former vice president for his Cabinet, or an even higher level office, to address global warming.
“‘I would,’” Obama said. “‘Not only will I, but I will make a commitment that Al Gore will be at the table…’”
Obama’s first cabinet meeting.
Obama: I’d like to welcome you all to my team. Working together, I’m sure we can effect the change that I’ve promised to the American people. How are things going in your departments? Mr. Secretary of Agriculture?
Michael Moore: I’m planning a personal inspection of the major ham and sausage producers next week. My suitcase is full of sandwich bread and barbecue sauce, so I’m ready to go!
Obama: That’s great, Michael. How about you, Madam Defense Secretary?
Cindy Sheehan: I’m having a falafel breakfast with Hamas representatives tomorrow at the Allahu AkBar & Grill, just down the street from the Holocaust Memorial.
Obama: Sounds like peace in our time! ( Turns to personal secretary: “Write that line down, will you? I like the sound of it; might come in handy when I give my speech next week to the Axis of Misunderstood Nations). Good work, Cindy. Say, listen, all this talk of food makes me hungry. Hey, Al! (Snaps fingers).
Al Gore (walks from corner of the room and approaches table, wearing white shirt, black bow tie, black pants and comfortable shoes; poises pencil over note pad): Yes, sir?
Obama: It’s close to lunch; why don’t you take our orders now? What’ll it be folks? Sandwiches, pizzas or maybe some Chinese take-out?
Michael Moore: That’s fine with me.
Obama: Which one?
Michael Moore: What do you mean, “which one”?
Cindy Sheehan: I’m on a hunger strike, so just bring me a six-pack of Slim Fast.
Obama: How about you, Mr. Secretary of Education?
Rev. Jeremiah Wright: I’d like a personal-size pizza. If there’s one thing those garlic noses know how to do, it’s how to make pizza!
Al Gore (Whispers to Obama): Excuse me, Mr. President, but when you said you’d have a place for me at the table, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Obama: That’s ok, Al; order something for yourself, too. You can sit over there on the window sill; plenty of room. And, by the way, is that your Oscar award in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? ( Cabinet secretaries howl with laughter; Al blushes and purses lips).
Al Gore: It’s my Oscar. I have to carry it with me; Al, Jr. keeps trying to hock it so he can get beer money. Anyway, Sir, what I thought you meant was that I’d get a cabinet position.
Obama: Oh! I’m glad you reminded me. Here’s the key to the liquor cabinet. Take inventory and make sure we have several cases of Scotch; Ted Kennedy’s coming over tonight to discuss his plans for a Senate water polo tournament.
- Cut Down in My Prime: How
Lyle Went Horribly Wrong:I thought I could move her TV
And she would be grateful to me;
She’d see I was virile and strong,
But something went horribly wrong.I almost capsized, but not quite;
I staggered but ended upright;
She wondered, “Where does it belong?”
Then something went horribly wrong.She’s cute as a bug, but not neat;
There were, I found, under my feet,
Her old dirty socks and a thong,
So something went horribly wrong.Entangled, I wobbled and skipped;
The TV and me, we both tipped…
Hey, were those stairs there all along?
Yes, something went horribly wrong.
- #14
I’d buy you a beer.#14, 15 and after,
I think the motion’s carried.
Unanimously.Are there any funny comedians left, who are neither right nor left, but just funny? If there are they’re a rarity.
#49 Mike T L.
With this crowd? It’s more likely followed by, “It’s not my fault!”
Now that’s funny!
#62
the audience was so small that the performer could convince both of them to go along with the stunt.
“Mum, Dad, I’m tanking here….. can you just go along with this…?”
did see hasbeen fatso Julia Morris slag off Britain, where apparently she has been residing and causing a major chip and lard shortage
HAH!!!
I havent watched the brick-wall set in a while, but I think I remember that particular Anglo-Terra-Beast.
It was just after the death of Benny Hill, and she remarked, “that was the first time he ever made me laugh”.
Bitter cow.
Tom D.
At the Melbourne Comedy Fest
“Something went Horribly Wrong”
It’s morbid of critics to jest,
But when was it really ‘on song’?The Coffin Act severed the girl?
[My mind raced to what it could be],
While backstage the cast, in a whirl
Had to deal with their Joke Amputee.But things went from awful to worse
As a cover-up had to be made,
While someone ordered a hearse
Another rang the Medic Brigade.So in their haste the morgue got the legs,
The hospital the arms and head half,
As they mopped up the guts and the dregs
The audience? Well, they just laughed!
What would have happened if an audience member didn’t sign the Oath of Secrecy. I smell publicity stunt.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 02 at 06:34 PM • permalink
#13 dean martin, oh, I see, like a post-modern vauderville act.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 02 at 06:40 PM • permalink
Ho hum – Jennifer Keyte did that trick years ago.
Posted by Pig Head Sucker on 2008 04 02 at 06:41 PM • permalink
#16 yes, what is this desire for
comedianspreachers to ask entrance fees for theirmoralistic hate festssermons?Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 02 at 06:43 PM • permalink
#67 Another great tract, Paco.
But I really do fear that, if he doeesn’t usurp the Democratic party, then he will be made “Secretary of State for Global Warming” (we should immediately dub him Mr. Thermostat), or some such stupid thing, and bring ruin to the US. Hussein’s more likely to do this than Billary.
The left in the US is in a sadly demented state, hating their own country and themselves. They also are influential in the Democratic party, and will follow charletans and vacuous messianic cultists to doom.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 02 at 07:06 PM • permalink
I suppose if one was sufficiently stupid to have paid good money to go to their so called “Comedy Festival” in the first place you’d probably be dumb enough to sign some kind of confidentiality agreement and reveal your correct name.Even if a cash incentive was on offer why would give your real name unless you were on the verge of criminal stupidity.
“Are there any funny comedians left, who are neither right nor left, but just funny?”
Norm Macdonald
Bryan Regan
Mitch HedbergAlthough, technically, Hedberg is dead so doesn’t satisfy the “left” requirement you stipulated.
Posted by Pig Head Sucker on 2008 04 02 at 07:21 PM • permalink
Audience silenced when beer bottle trick goes wrong then we had tens of thousands of city commuters face long delays getting home as wild weather wreaks havoc on Melbourne’s public transport system.
The gaia genie got out of the bottle.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 02 at 08:02 PM • permalink
Don’t worry, lyle, wron’s all bark and no bite. (Continues to polish the assegai. Neatsfoot oil, just the thing…)
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2008 04 02 at 08:15 PM • permalink
A magic trick went “horribly wrong’ at a weekend Melbourne Comedy Festival show
Did the trick go wrong because;
a) It ended up being funny
b) It involved a joke about Aborigines that really should have been about white people
c) The magician forgot to insert the word ‘Howard’
d) The bottles used in the act weren’t recylable
Q. How many self-righteous prigs does it take to do something horribly wrong with a beer bottle?
A. That’s not funny!
Thank you, I’ll be here all week, try the tofu and sprouts…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 04 02 at 08:23 PM • permalink
Some of the acts need assistance with a career-changing job interview?
NSFW!
Brisbane doesn’t have a comedy festival but is still funnier than Melbourne.
We’ve got an ex Priest cum Lord Mayor cum fully employed strategic business adviser. That’s funny but normal.
We’ve got a Government Department with a specialist Wine Tourism portfolio. That’s really funny.
We’ve got an ex teacher, career leftie running the State. That’s a giggle.
The Gold Coast has just re-elected its Lord Mayor, an ex Olympic runner who spent the past 4 years sitting on his hands. That’s kinda funny.
And the useless conservative State opposition has re-elected the cud chewing, drawling Springborg as its leader. That’s hilarious.
We’re funnier without a comedy festival and we’re not even trying.
- Obama: “Al, It’s me.”
Gore: “Barak, It’s me.”
Obama: “Al, I want you on my team.”
Gore: “Barak, Hillary said the same thing just now.”
Obama: “What did she offer you Al?”
Gore: “Secretary of Geo-state”
Obama: “Wow, that’s gonna be kinda hard to top. Hold on. ………. Al, I’ve got something better for you. How about Secretary of Geo-world?”
Gore: “Well, all these titles sound good, but what would people call me? You get Mr President. State gets Mr Secretary. Bill gets Sir not now people can see! What about me? Mr Geo-world doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.”
Obama: “mmm, let’s see. What about Mr Thermostat?”
*click
Obama: “Are you there Al?”Obama: “Al?”Obama: “Damn, I need a script or something.”
You know, who drinks beer? Men. Men who are fat pigs who attack women (cue titters), you know, Collingwood supporters. Have you ever realised that the top of a beer bottle resembles a phallus? (cue laughs)Yeah, beer is just one more proof of the phallocracy, those penis weilding beer drinkers, those yobs who rule our society possess, (cue laughter). I am going to smash these phallic symbols and juggle them as a statement of the fragility of male power (cue cheers).
What actually happened:
I learnt this one when I was working in the Northern Territory,visiting Aboriginal settlements, broken beer bottles as far as the eye could see. One of the little ones came out of this shack and started juggling broken bottles, amazing stuff, she’d being doin it since she was 3. Abbos are amazing once you get to know em’. (cue silence)
- OT?
SMH reports:The man who attacked the 82-year-old on the overpass yesterday was last seen running toward Eden Street and is described as in his 20s, of Mediterranean or Middle Eastern appearance with a solid build and wearing a white T-shirt, navy shorts and cap.
SMH did not used to mention MOMEA
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 02 at 11:25 PM • permalink
Related? Classic rockers more likely to vote Republican.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2008 04 03 at 05:42 AM • permalink
- #108
Led Zeppelin “Whole Lotta Love” and John McCain“Fred Jacobs, president of Jacobs Media. He said the company threw the political questions in as an afterthought and was surprised by the results.”
No surprise to me.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 03 at 06:17 AM • permalink
69, 81 – Emo Phillips still works for me.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 04 03 at 06:40 AM • permalink
I saw Daniel Kitson at the Festival last night. He came with an almost unbelievable reputation, but managed to live up to the hype. Utterly brilliant.
I vote poor publicity stunt re the magician issue as well.
Posted by attilathepun on 2008 04 03 at 09:04 PM • permalink
- http://magicunlimited.typepad.com/
Scroll down. There’s a bit about the performance that went wrong.
Melbourne Comedy Festival.
False advertising, someone should get the trade practices mob or the ACCC onto them.