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Last updated on May 20th, 2017 at 07:18 am
Sporks! Sporks will save the planet!
UPDATE. “Forget the Spork,” emails ArmyAirforces.com’s Scott Burris. “Go with the superior Knork.”
What if old growth forests are cut down alleviate the spork shortage? If only the elite of America follow her message, will there be a spork gap? Can you carry a metal spork on planes in the US? Will Muslims object to spork?Posted by charles austin on 2008 04 23 at 02:03 PM • permalink
#4 Charles: Sporks have a long way to go before they catch up with more traditional utensils.
I personally prefer the all-purpose, fully consolidated utensil: the knoonk. It makes it so much easier when you’re setting the table with your plowls and glups.
Taking all points of view into equal account, and in a spirit of ecumenism, let’s call it a “sporkafoon”.
Peace!Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2008 04 23 at 03:10 PM • permalink
Laugh if you want, but I hate those things. That’s the only eating utensil they give customers at Taco Bell. And yes, I need a
fork spoonspork at Taco Bell. Most of my taco falls off the shell. I blame Bush.Posted by wronwright on 2008 04 23 at 03:25 PM • permalink
From opinion journal, New You Can Use.
Neither fork nor spoon
am I a spork or a foon?
Use me if you must, but beware
I’m the Christine Jorgensen of flatware
Yea, okay, it’s not up to Lyle’s standards, but he’s not here is he?
Bastard will probably do it in haiku and French to boot!Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2008 04 23 at 03:43 PM • permalink
#12, Paco, yes, but what’s a few syllables in the interest of brotherhood and world peace?
Sporkafoons for Peace!Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2008 04 23 at 04:20 PM • permalink
O/T, but this is one (of probably many) reasons why the congo is not known as the honeymoon capital of the world.
- “Use a Spork” was the cry,
“So Mother Gaia won’t die!”
And compliance was therefore expected.But their reasons were murky,
The plan seemed like a turkey,
And by most, the idea was rejected.
I wish they had given their reasons for the value of the spork, because I sure as heck can’t figure out why it would stop/slow global warming. It seems to have stopped on its own (some outlying parts of Seattle got 10+ inches of snow this past weekend. Global warming my rear!)Posted by Infidel Librarian on 2008 04 23 at 04:35 PM • permalink
PeterTB, it looks like you could cut your mouth on that thing. Just as well that I’m left-handed and the blade is on the wrong side for me anyway.
I’m surprised that nobody has mentioned “bleeprin’’ yet. Surely I’m not the only one around here who looks at bad fanfiction?Posted by Sonetka’s Mom on 2008 04 23 at 05:36 PM • permalink
If I try to use a spork,
You’ll think that I’m a dork.
But if I want to use my knoon
You’ll label me a loon!
What’s a man to do
with this crockery anew?
I’ll ponder it no further
and use my hands to eat a burger.Posted by anonymous guest on 2008 04 23 at 06:07 PM • permalink
- Any minute now, some earnest avago is going to come trolling in here and say:
“You Blairites are always poking ridicule at anyone who tries to make a difference by sporking truth to renewable power. Next year we’ll have a president who can make difference, then the barracracy will catch up with you lot. There’ll be no skorting around the real issues then!”
Every time I see a spork, I think of cramped airline seats and hours of breathing an atmosphere with the minimum amount of oxygen to sustain life, and no more.
I HATE SPORKS!Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 23 at 06:58 PM • permalink
#4 My Bengali friends don’t need no stinking cutlery. Fingers is good.Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 23 at 07:01 PM • permalink
Ok, here’s my pathetic entry into the SPORKEUROVISION poem contest. (I hope I do better than Albania).
There was a young man from Cork
Who in a road came to a spork
Take it, said Ruddles, after the walk
We can eat cavier and beans and pork.Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 23 at 07:13 PM • permalink
#23 Damn you, Contrail, you beat me to it in my #30.Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 04 23 at 07:15 PM • permalink
- Moslems use fingers on the left hand.
As we can read: “The Bedu shows no reaction, but he should: among the desert Bedouin tribes, who eat by hand, the left is kept away from the food as it is the hand with which they clean themselves after defecating.”Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 23 at 07:20 PM • permalink
- Dies Irae! Dies Illa! This next space is used for filler!
(An ode to the spork)In rev’rent tones we used to talk
Of ‘Ladle, spoon, and knife, and fork’.
Now prophets of all nations hawk
The FOON – the SPLAYDE – the SPORK.
Lo! When before my meal was made,
In ‘plates and dishes’ it was laid;
Now I eat in ‘Plish’ and ‘Date’
With SPORK – with FOON – with SPLAYDE.
Apocalypse is coming soon!
Seas run with blood! Red turns the moon!
The world is plagued – nothing’s immune! –
Nay, not even ‘Knife, fork and spoon!’
Now I greet my greens and meat –
With SPORK – with SPLAYDE – with FOON!
Spork, Instument of MadnessPosted by Serenity Now on 2008 04 23 at 07:32 PM • permalink
#32 sh.t misread, meant Moslems use fingers on the right hand.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 23 at 07:43 PM • permalink
It wasn’t a monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey, it was actually a gift box of sporks.Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 04 23 at 07:46 PM • permalink
;-pPosted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 04 23 at 07:48 PM • permalink
“The Presiding Bishop also advised using public transpiration.”
Breathing out in unison?
Does that have some effect on CO2 levels?Posted by s.r.intulom on 2008 04 23 at 08:00 PM • permalink
I just don’t understand why the spnife never caught on.Posted by Evil Pundit on 2008 04 23 at 08:25 PM • permalink
What’s Spork gonna do? Pinch polluters on the neck?Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 04 23 at 08:26 PM • permalink
Don’t diss the Splayd! Splayds go one better than Sporks – they are a fork, spoon and knife!
We still use ours – left over from the 1970s – and two years ago I took a box of Splayds (yes, you can still buy them) to a friend in Lyme, Massachusetts, who’s been happily using them ever since, wondering why they hadn’t been invented before.
#36- Explains my shiteating grin, and why we’re called “Kackie Handers”.
Also ewhy I’m often mistaken as a Hun, particularly at Oktoberfest and torchlight rallies.
BTW, the denizens of the Malay peninsula and Indonesian archipelago have refined the matter to one finger on the left hand, with a grotequely elongated nail for dingleberry dispersal.
BTW also, what does the Starship Enterprise have in common with a handful of bumwad?
They both circle Uranus picking off Klingons.
#16 Congo has “pens” missing. That is why they are using tied to the book. People keep taking them. Like towels in hotels.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 23 at 10:00 PM • permalink
- The green spork
to the tune of Mr Ed
in recognition of Al Gore
A spork is a spork of course of course
If the knife and fork have run their course
And then that spork of course of course
Is your marvellous tool of choice of courseIf you prefer a spork to a fork of course
Is it a plastic spork that you wish to source
Or a metal spork that has more force
Or a paper spork which is green of course
So if you’re thinking green of course
Then think of Gore who’s been fed a horse
Then think of that horse that talks of course
As the gorified Mr Ed
Tip: The best quality sporks are made from red cedar. This can be difficult to find, but the finest stands can be harvested by night from national parks.Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 04 23 at 11:04 PM • permalink
I am a man of simple means and prefer all my meals to be regurgitated from a Condor’s mouth. Thus negating the need for utensils and lowering my environmental impact.Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 04 23 at 11:10 PM • permalink
#2 I like really buffed foons.Posted by carpefraise on 2008 04 24 at 05:44 AM • permalink
All this spork talk is spooky.Posted by carpefraise on 2008 04 24 at 05:46 AM • permalink
- Michael Moore Endorses
a New Product, the ShovorkWhen I eat a pile of pork
In my penthouse in New York
I eat it with my new shovork—
One part shovel, one part fork.
My shovork goes everywhere;
Often strangers stop and stare;
If it’s food, man, I don’t care;
Out it comes, right then and there.
My food standards can be lax;
Sometimes my shovork attacks
Can be awkward to the max –
When small children look like snacks.
Now now, Tim. That’s not a very eco-friendly word you used there. You know the Goracle prefers the term “Foon.”