Snowman down

The content on this webpage contains paid/affiliate links. When you click on any of our affiliate link, we/I may get a small compensation at no cost to you. See our affiliate disclosure for more info

Last updated on July 13th, 2017 at 01:07 pm

Hot tempers in Winter Haven, Fla.:

[Douglas] Sheldon was parking his truck in his yard when he got in some type of an argument with Lankford’s sister, Audra Lankford.

Audra Lankford was upset and called her brother. On his way home, the report said, Matthew Lankford drove through Sheldon’s yard and ran over his Christmas decorations. It is rumored that a snowman was decapitated.

Sheldon then ran to Lankford’s home, where an argument ensued between the men and several other people.

Witnesses told deputies Lankford got a 45-caliber handgun and shot Sheldon in the left arm and abdomen.

“Who writes this Florida stuff?” asks reader Black. “Carl Hiaasen?”

Posted by Tim B. on 12/08/2007 at 02:13 AM
    1. If Carl Hiaasen wrote this then Lankford would have a glass eye, a metal grinder grafted onto the stump of his amputated arm, and be a well known Florida property developer…

      Posted by Hanyu on 2007 12 08 at 02:36 AM • permalink


    1. Sounds like one of the Calvin Hobbes snowman cartoons.

      Posted by Dan Lewis on 2007 12 08 at 03:03 AM • permalink


    1. … with a pet alligator.

      Anyway, can’t be Hiaasen. He stopped writing material that good around Stormy Weather.

      Posted by Tony.T.Teacher on 2007 12 08 at 03:08 AM • permalink


    1. If decapitation is involved, then Presbyterians are in the area.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 12 08 at 03:15 AM • permalink


    1. We must pass around the beanie and collect funds for the snowman’s family.

      He was a sole provider.

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 12 08 at 03:41 AM • permalink


    1. Sheldon clearly had it coming as the decorations prove that he was trying to celebrate Christmas.

      Christmas – got something to do with christianity and Jesus Whats-his-name.  Can’t have that in a multi-faith society.

      Celebrate – can’t enjoy life any more (see thread on Flannery).

      Decorations – probably lit up at night.  Think of the power consumption!  Think of of the polar bears!

      Truck – Sheldon drove a truck (I presume that means 4WD).  Gaia-raper to boot.

      Guy was lucky to survive the incident.  I’m sure he’ll be sued by Greenpeace for continuing to be a burden on the planet as soon as he’s out of hospital.

      My neighbour has just put up some amazing decorations.  Have to remember to go and burn his house down tonight.  I’m sure all those nodding reindeers and fluorescent santas are adding to our carbon tax bill.

      Posted by mr creosote on 2007 12 08 at 04:29 AM • permalink


    1. #2 Thanks Dan, I love Calvin and Hobbes.

      #4 I thought it had to do with Presbyterians, beheading and all.

      I just couldn’t figure out what they had against snow men.

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 08 at 05:02 AM • permalink


    1. “I just couldn’t figure out what they had against snow men.”

      They would if the snowman was named “Mohammed”.

      Posted by Steve at the pub on 2007 12 08 at 05:29 AM • permalink


    1. It could also be written by Florida humorist Dave Barry.

      Fun link site has a special category for weird Florida stories,
      of which there are plenty.

      Posted by scooper on 2007 12 08 at 08:21 AM • permalink


    1. It’s a joy for me to go out and pick up the Tampa Tribune in the morning.

      Posted by ErnieG on 2007 12 08 at 08:55 AM • permalink


    1. I spoke too soon. I’m sitting here stunned. The page one story is from a nearby town, about a nine year old boy being run over by a Christmas parade float and killed.

      Sometimes Florida news can be pretty damned awful.

      Posted by ErnieG on 2007 12 08 at 10:18 AM • permalink


    1. When Adam Carolla was on Loveline, he had a game called “Germany or Florida.” A listener would call in with a bizarre/macabre/disturbing story, and the hosts would have to guess whether it happened in Germany or Florida. It was based on the observation that 90% of such stories seem to originate in either of these places.

      I got pretty good after a while. If stupidity was the basis, it was usually Florida. If sheer disturbing weirdness was involved, probably Germany.

      Posted by Dave S. on 2007 12 08 at 10:46 AM • permalink


    1. You just knew it was going to end with a handgun, didn’t you?

      Posted by Dave S. on 2007 12 08 at 10:47 AM • permalink


    1. #2 Thanks for the cartoons, Dan. As a matter of fact, I just bought a Calvin & Hobbes book to give as a Christmas present–after I read it first.

      Posted by andycanuck on 2007 12 08 at 11:55 AM • permalink


    1. Did I mention how much I love Florida?

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 12 08 at 11:57 AM • permalink


    1. Swampy…Hiya doin, lady?

      Having lived in Florida for a goodly part of my years and in fact, in Polk County, FL. where Winter Haven IS, I found there were of fair amount of US rednecks.

      YES, I have my Florida Redneck Card. I earned it, it’s mine and I’m keepin’ it!

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 08 at 12:11 PM • permalink


    1. ROFL. Yeah, the girls bowling team has camouflage uniforms with their names in pink here.

      /We ain’t rednecks, nope, not us.

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 12 08 at 12:24 PM • permalink


    1. If you want weird Florida stories, I suggest you read Tim Dorsey’s series of books about the lovable serial killer Serge A. Storms (who only kills bad guys).  A decapitated snowman and a shooting in the front yard is entirely too mundane.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 12 08 at 12:32 PM • permalink


    1. If you want weird Florida stories, I suggest you simply read the local news every day. is a good source of the crazy.

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 12 08 at 02:33 PM • permalink


    1. Are they certain it wasn’t snowicide?

      Posted by andycanuck on 2007 12 08 at 06:34 PM • permalink


    1. From His Hospital Bed, Douglas Sheldon
      Issues Seasonally Inappropriate Threats
      I swear, when I get outta here
      I’ll chug down a keg of good cheer,
      And crawl to my truck
      And manage, with luck,
      To get the damn thing into gear.

      With Frosty’s theme song in my ear
      I’ll drive to Matt’s house and then steer
      Right at his display
      Of Santa and sleigh
      And crush those eight tiny reindeer.

      And if by some chance I survive
      And fall from the truck half-alive,
      I’ll look for the elf
      Old fatso himself,
      And blast him with my forty-five.

      Some self-righteous bastards insist
      That somehow I seem to have missed
      The seasonal spirit.
      I say, glad to hear it,
      You’re next on my Christmas hit list.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 12 08 at 09:52 PM • permalink


    1. #21 G’day Lyle. How ya bin?

      Excellent work here again!

      Write me one about going to work and wanting to hit people who like to organise everyone else for the Christmas party luncheon.
      And the one who suggested that, instead of a “Secret Santa” we buy a pig for some third world village.
      And ones who are “horrified” that I don’t like fruit cake. (But there’s one I make that I do eat.)

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 08 at 09:56 PM • permalink


    1. I’ll try, kae.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 12 08 at 10:10 PM • permalink


    1. #21 Excellent Lyle!

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 12 08 at 10:56 PM • permalink


    1. Kae, why doesn’t it surprise me that people at your workplace want to buy a pig?

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 12 08 at 11:16 PM • permalink


    1. From Behind Bars, Kae Confesses
      Her Opinion of Christmas Spirit:
      The bitch said, ‘Let’s go someplace new
      And celebrate differently, too.’
      And give me a break,
      She brought a fruit cake
      We’d all need a chainsaw to chew.

      ‘In true Christmas spirit,’ she tried.
      ‘I’ll gladly take charge and decide.’
      Okay, my mistake;
      That still didn’t make
      Yuletide homicide justified.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 12 08 at 11:50 PM • permalink


    1. OK Lyle.
      Where’s the hidden camera?

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 08 at 11:54 PM • permalink


    1. Merry Christmas, anyway.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 12 09 at 12:03 AM • permalink


    1. It’s very good, Lyle. You have all the right people in it.

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 09 at 12:09 AM • permalink


  1. Bastard. Why’d he spare the snowman a .45 slug of his own? I hate snowmen. Or is it clowns? Whatever. They both scare me.

    Posted by GPE on 2007 12 10 at 03:54 PM • permalink