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Last updated on August 8th, 2017 at 02:49 pm
Age reader Pam Ahern:
I celebrated Christmas with my piglet. As I write he sleeps beside me now on his pillow. His little honks a reminder of how charming, charismatic and endearing he is. He is my friend and no one’s food. We dined on a sumptuous feast of vegetables, grains, legumes and fruits, no animal corpses decorated the table. It was truly a time to celebrate.
Pam Ahern, Willowmavin
Great demographic you’ve got there, Age.
(Via Dan Lewis)
- Give her a break! She’s already got an entrant for the pig races if the Muzzies try to move in next door.Posted by AlburyShifton on 2006 12 27 at 08:50 AM • permalink
- He probably farts less than most blokes. Doesn’t argue. Doesn’t watch the cricket. Probably a good pick-up for Pam.Posted by boxofmatches on 2006 12 27 at 09:02 AM • permalink
- His little honks a reminder of how charming, charismatic and endearing he is.
Ok, a baby pig. Charming? Perhaps. Endearing? I can see it. But charismatic? How . . . Orwellian.
- If Pam was looking for her little piglet to star in this movie, she’s too late, it’s already in the theaters.
For myself, I bought some lovely pork chops yesterday. Mmmmmmmmmmm, pork……
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 12 27 at 09:11 AM • permalink
- I celebrated festivus with only my Petunia shrub and my sense of moral superiority.
As I write, he speaks to me through my acid flashbacks. He never sleeps – he has a constant vigil reminding me that humans are a blight upon Gaia.
He is my only friend ( my human friends have all fallen by the wayside over the years, muttering under their breath and shaking their heads.)
We dine on a constant course of moral onanism, unquestionable wisdom and the compulsion to share our most banal and trivial thoughts and feelings with everyone.
We know when we are right because it makes us feel good.
We will change the world one idiot at a time.
- Hey, maybe it’s one charming motherfucker of a pig, like 10 times more charming than that Arnold off Green Acres.
Seriously, I spent Christmas with an animal that looks like a piglet, but she ate more dead critters than I did. A pig given half the chance will eat a hippy- with a bit of luck we’ve got a future Sunday Sport story here.
- I sense a re-write of the Mother Goose Nursery Ryhme is in order Ms. Ahern. What shall it be?
A Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme
This Little Piggy poem
This little piggy went tomarket_____________,
This little piggy stayed at home, (and we have a beautiful life, together)
This little piggy hadroast beef_____________,
This little piggy had none. (not here, he gets all he wants. And my, what a little piggy he is, he-he-he…blushing, no doubt)
And this little piggy went…
“Wee wee wee” all the way home (Oh my, who frightened your little piggy, and do you have a good stock of sheets, Ms. Ahern?)Here is a suggestion for a good start, Ms. Ahern. A first name change for you, is in order. For you see “PAM” here, is a cooking and baking spray.
As to the rest, I’ve given you a few ideas on what to change and where, so do give it your best
shot, ooopppsss.Make it
cleaverclever, Ms. Ahern.
We dined on a sumptuous feast of vegetables, grains, legumes and fruits, no animal corpses decorated the table. It was truly a time to celebrate.
A time to celebrate? How about the vegetables? Did they get to celebrate? How about the grains, did they celebrate as you struck your sharp blades of destruction into their tall innocent stalks? What about the legumes and the fruits? How will they celebrate as their flesh is rapaciously rippped from their persons?
All life is precious you plant hating hag! Stop chlorophyll-phobia. Eat a rock instead.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 12 27 at 09:57 AM • permalink
- Pam’s going to roll into the centre of the bed when piglet weights 250 kgs.
Or maybe not.Posted by boxofmatches on 2006 12 27 at 09:58 AM • permalink
- We dined on a sumptuous feast of vegetables,
resorting to cannibalising fellow leftards seems a bit extreme to save the life of one piglet, even if it does do bird impressions.
if it learns to quack will it be spared hogmanay too?
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 27 at 10:01 AM • permalink
- Poor lonely old Pammie
Eating vegies and nuts with a pig at Christmas
I’m feeling sorry for the poor old thing
But then perhaps it’s her man she’s calling a pig
Men make pig noises when they sleep! Sorry to all you men out there Just kidding
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2006 12 27 at 10:11 AM • permalink
- Mz Ahern does know that science has established that veggies to react to pain by a sort of screaming that can be recorded by electronic equipment, doesn’t she?
She eats them while they’re still alive, I bet. She’s such a cruel animal.
- The tone of her letter makes it sound like she’s expecting to be nominated for the “My, Aren’t You Special” medal.Posted by David Crawford on 2006 12 27 at 11:00 AM • permalink
- From the tone of her missive, ol’ Pammy was either puffing some righteous weed or gurgling down a couple of gallons of cheap claret when she wrote to the Age about her fabulous Christmas date.
Did the pig shit in the bed after the sumptuous feed of grains legumes and fruit? (as pigs tend to do)
Was there any *blush* rooting after Chrissie dinner?
Enquiring minds wish to know.
Posted by Pedro the Ignorant on 2006 12 27 at 12:01 PM • permalink
- Mmmmmmm! Pork, the other, other white meat!Posted by Son of a Pig and a Monkey on 2006 12 27 at 12:28 PM • permalink
- Pointillism: “The individual dots of red, yellow and blue are sucked in through your eyes and mixed up in your head to create a variety of shimmering shades.”
Cheers
Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2006 12 27 at 05:13 PM • permalink
- She sleeps with a pig????????????????????????????
Or was it Piglet the (Jihad causing) stuffed toy? In which case, are we meant to be impressed she didn’t eat it?
- Reminds me of a Margaret Thatcher joke.
Maggie has taken her entire cabinet out to dinner at a restaurant. The waiter approaches and says, “Prime Minister, what would you like for dinner?”
Maggie responds, “A rare steak please”.
Waiter, “And what about the vegetables”.
Maggie, “They’ll have the same”.
Posted by mr creosote on 2006 12 27 at 06:10 PM • permalink
- I guess a cute meat-eating chimp would not pass muster as a pet, either.
- I related news, I’ve managed to refrain from eating my cat. I should get a medal.Posted by Shaky Barnes on 2006 12 27 at 07:03 PM • permalink
- No, no – please don’t link to the Age or SMH letters page. Please no, I can’t bear it. DON”T MAKE ME READ THEM!
Ok. Better now. What staggers me is that not only do people send these emails to the Age (and/or SMH) but that the editor actually publishes.
No, no! What am I doing? I’m thinking abut it again. God, I hope the cricket starts soon…
- Anyone like to bet that the Pamster was the inspiration for this:-
A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm. He stops by the end of the bed, looks at his wife and says
-‘this is the pig I sleep with when you are not around’
The wife looks back at him, rolls her eyes and says -‘that’s not a pig, it’s a sheep, you idiot’ to which the husband replies -ssshhh, I’m not talking to you’.
To be fair, since it is Christmas, pigs can be pretty cool pets.
Especially after they’ve been fattened up, parted out, rubbed with spices, smoked, and served with a side of greens and some corn bread.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 27 at 11:14 PM • permalink
- Ive never gone to bed with an ugly women, but I’ve sobered up next to a few pigs.Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 12 28 at 12:51 AM • permalink
- Given what Moonbeam McSwine looked like, I could put up with any smell. (‘Sides, I was raised on a hog farm.)
And please, please tell me that Pammy didn’t eat veggies grown on one of those horrible, fascist organic farms where they force the veggies to grow in rows and foricibly water and fertilize them (with manure, no less). What terrible tyranny. She should only eat veggies that are free-range. Veggies that grow wild, and free. And they must not be ‘ripped untimely’ from the bosom of Mother Gaia. Nor should she eat the adolescent sexual organs of the veggies which are all to frequently literally ripped from the still non-reproductive plant.
The horrror! The horror!!
Posted by JorgXMcKie on 2006 12 28 at 12:58 AM • permalink
- willowmavin wouldn’t be anywhere near Casino would it?Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 28 at 01:41 AM • permalink
- On the way home from the country yesterday, we stopped at an art gallery in a little town in the middle of nowhere. I was reading the blurb on one of the artists that had their stuff on display. Part of it read, “He learned his craft at an artists colony at Uki in the 1970’s”.
I pointed this out to my partner and she responded, “Sounds like a place with a lot of crystals and not a lot of deoderant”.
Hippies. A group that make the English look like manic consumers of soap and water.
Posted by mr creosote on 2006 12 28 at 05:45 AM • permalink
- I’ve only fed pigs a few times in a small piggery. The first thing I was told was, “Don’t fall over – the only thing we’ll find will be your gumboots”.
I wonder what she is doing with all the pig shit? I recall hosing out tonnes of crap out of the piggery, and it was not like your average dog or cat turd. It was as sloppy as pancake mixture. And it stunk.
Did marvelous things for the vegie garden though.
Posted by mr creosote on 2006 12 28 at 05:52 AM • permalink
- Hmmmm.
Seriously, I spent Christmas with an animal that looks like a piglet, but she ate more dead critters than I did.
Pigs are generally omnivorous, that is they’ll eat just about anything living or dead.
I think there were a lot of legal cases during the middle ages concerning pigs eating their pig herders, who were usually small boys.
Posted by memomachine on 2006 12 28 at 04:44 PM • permalink
- “I celebrated Christmas with my piglet. As I write he sleeps beside me now on his pillow. His little honks a reminder of how charming, charismatic and endearing he is…”
Overshare.
Posted by Dave Surls on 2006 12 28 at 05:56 PM • permalink
- MentalFloss isn’t back yet? If I’m not mistaken, pigs aren’t kosher – because they’ll eat anything…bit like sleeping with a vulture or a hyena, pammy…so I think I’ll just pass on that, & stick with Queen Gladys, my porkchop-lovin’ cat. I don’t think she’d eat my face off just yet, but I do make sure she gets fed whenever she wants…
- “Pigs are generally omnivorous…”
Ms. Pam, the veggie-slayer, should probably consider sleeping with a cow rather than a pig, if she’s serious about her idiotic religion.
Posted by Dave Surls on 2006 12 29 at 03:59 AM • permalink
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