Not even in abu ghraib

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Last updated on August 6th, 2017 at 02:44 pm

Patrick Carlyon spots a crucial flaw in the claims of dedicated Ralph Fiennes hostess Lisa Robertson: “No one could watch The English Patient 20 times.”

Posted by Tim B. on 02/19/2007 at 10:21 AM
    1. You kind of have to feel sorry for someone as gullible and lost as that woman is.  On the other hand, what an idiot.

      As for Ralph, he’s the reason why people think most actors are trash.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 02 19 at 11:38 AM • permalink


    1. “The English Patient” was the most overblown, overlong, overhyped piece of BoBo trash I’ve ever had the misfortune to endure in a theater.

      Posted by Dave S. on 2007 02 19 at 11:57 AM • permalink


    1. You said it, RebeccaH.  What a sad story.

      Posted by Patricia on 2007 02 19 at 01:08 PM • permalink


    1. On the other hand, the story provided some rather excellent material for Mr. Carlyon.

      Posted by m on 2007 02 19 at 01:14 PM • permalink


    1. I couldn’t even watch it once.

      Posted by rightwingprof on 2007 02 19 at 02:41 PM • permalink


    1. Oversexed Hollywood narcissist bags horny star-struck stewardess on airplane. Both appear stupid enough to believe that no one would notice their tryst in an area the size of my living room.
      Ordinarily, you don’t find that potent mix of sex and stupidity outside of your typical frathouse kegger.

      Posted by Merlin on 2007 02 19 at 02:59 PM • permalink


    1. That’s another thing.  What kind of sex can you have in an airplane toilet?  There’s barely enough room for one person to turn around in there!

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 02 19 at 03:06 PM • permalink


    1. A kleenex tissue recalls her encounter with a wonderful upper class aristocratic nose, with beautiful skin. “He said it was wonderful to fin me so close to hand, so ready for him. The closeness was magic, I felt needed, fulfilled.  Oh the ecstasy of impact!  All the other tissues in the box were envious, they heard us together.  But now they won’t let me back in, they act like I’m contaminated or something!  Then he dropped me …hey, what am I doing in this trash can?”

      Posted by kiwinews on 2007 02 19 at 03:11 PM • permalink


    1. You know, if I was in Ralph Fiennes’ situation, and I had tall leggy blonde stewardesses fall over me, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same as Fiennes.  Line em up I say.  Actually I thought he sounded a bit more kind and considerate than most celebrities.  Certainly more so than professional athletes who are met at hotels by adoring women fans.

      The only thing I wished Ralph had done differently was to write a letter saying she helped him with his contact lens.  What’s the harm?  But I bet he thought the assistance she was asking for was to travel back to Australia and attend a hearing.  That could have made Entertainment Tonight and the National Enquirer.

      Posted by wronwright on 2007 02 19 at 04:12 PM • permalink


    1. What. A. Loser.  No, not Ralph (for some weird Britishy reason pronounced Rafe), but this utterly stupid female.

      Good God, are we to feel pity for every groupie who ever hoovered the drummer in a third-rate hair band now, too?

      Posted by ushie on 2007 02 19 at 04:50 PM • permalink


    1. Warning: Unsubstantiated rumour

      She was only dobbed in by her workmates when they saw that she rendezvoused with Ralph at the destination airport.  Envy I think.

      Separately, it has been suggested that the loo with the kid’s change table has a little more room.  Don’t know if that came into play in this case though.

      Posted by PeterTB on 2007 02 19 at 04:56 PM • permalink


    1. I can confirm, my brother (your potential brother in-law tim b)is a pilot, that he hasn’t had an encounter in the loo’s at 35,000 feet.

      Feinnes must like the Oroton toilet bags(lots of free things in them) given to the 1st class passengers, also included, free flight attendants and they must be given back with table tray up when you land…

      Posted by 1.618 on 2007 02 19 at 05:39 PM • permalink


    1. I’m jealous of his prowess. I’d lose it the moment I got a whiff of the dunny.

      Posted by Henry boy on 2007 02 19 at 05:40 PM • permalink


    1. Automatic pilot only covers so much swim..

      coffee tea or me Tim Blair…hugs?

      Posted by 1.618 on 2007 02 19 at 05:50 PM • permalink


    1. Well, you can’t fault Qantas’ service – every need taken care of!

      Posted by Ian Deans on 2007 02 19 at 06:18 PM • permalink


    1. Apparently they were engaged for a short time. Said so on the door, anyway.

      Posted by Henry boy on 2007 02 19 at 06:47 PM • permalink


    1. Maybe they found a friendly mullah to do one of those 10 minute weddings…

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 02 19 at 07:25 PM • permalink


    1. “Chicken, fish or a shag this evening, Mr Fiennes?”

      Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 02 19 at 07:49 PM • permalink


    1. A “guillible”, “vulnerable”, “former drug squad detective”?

      Now I’ve heard everything.

      Posted by pache on 2007 02 19 at 08:08 PM • permalink


    1. I remember Magic Johnson talking about how women would wait for the NBA stars.  He would tell them upfront that he would have sex with them.  But afterwards they would have to leave his hotel room because he needed his sleep and he prefers sleeping alone.

      When I read that I thought dang.  That’s a tactic I had never tried.  “Ok, you ladies in the produce section.  Yes, I’ll consent to having unbridled sex with you in the parking lot.  But you’ll have to leave my minivan once I’m finished with you.”

      Posted by wronwright on 2007 02 19 at 08:16 PM • permalink


    1. Are standard airplane bathrooms too small for you and a partner to join the “mile high” club? Then try a Personal Airline Coitus Optimizer. Using patented TARDIS technology, the PACO™ will make any room larger on the inside than it is on the outside. No more bruised knees from sinks or gouges caused by inconviently-placed knobs. With PACO™, you’ll have room to swing. And so simple even a film star can operate one. This week only, on sale for $181.69 in any adult-oriented Paco Industries outlet mall. Come to Paco first and you can take care of the rest!

      Posted by andycanuck on 2007 02 19 at 08:39 PM • permalink


    1. Qantas ground staff were nearly as bad, at least when i had the misfortune to have to listen to them fawning and drooling over assorted “celebrities”; such toadying extended even to the likes of Luciano Pavarotti, wh o would require the use of the cargo hold for some high altitude hide the sausage. A pair of airline bimbos breathlessly snorked on about how wonderful he was, to which we replied in best Alexei Sayle style “‘Oo is that fat bastard?” They left with a look of disgust on their foundation-caked dials.

      BTW- Ralphie must have been pretty hard up to bang a QF hostie- most of them are hatchet-faced harridans, with all the attractive features and pleasant demeanor of a mongoose with piles.

      BTW2- word is with Sly that he was sprung with ‘roids.

      Posted by Habib on 2007 02 19 at 08:48 PM • permalink


    1. This trolley dolly was deadly serious about stowing Mr Fiennes excess baggage. From all reports he was up for quite a surcharge, but she was good enough to find an accommodating locker.

      Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 02 19 at 09:28 PM • permalink


    1. By far the greatest film review on The English Patient (by Frederick Forsyth of all people).

      English Patient Gutted

      Posted by mr creosote on 2007 02 19 at 10:10 PM • permalink


    1. BTW2- word is with Sly that he was sprung with ‘roids.

      Oddly enough, Habib, Paco Industries makes an ointment for that.

      Posted by andycanuck on 2007 02 19 at 11:12 PM • permalink


    1. the only redeeming feature of the English patient was the Stearman and the Tiger Moth

      Posted by larrikin on 2007 02 20 at 12:16 AM • permalink


    1. Abu Ghraib might be bad but at least one group is trying to do something about a more frightening development in torture tool craft.

      Posted by Jack Lacton on 2007 02 20 at 12:22 AM • permalink


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