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Last updated on August 9th, 2017 at 05:35 am
We laughed when the story broke. Laughed and mocked. We had to; information that crucial to our national security needed to be discredited, or who knows what the consequences might have been?
But now the facts are clear. Webdiary’s anti-gravity revelations—exposing the real reason we went to war in Iraq—were right all along. I make no apology for ridiculing what I knew then to be the truth; we are at war, people, and certain measures must be taken.
And now that Australia has the hover car—now that we’ve conquered gravity itself—I invite the world to fear our hovering wrath. Any wrongs committed against us will be met with hovering. Any slight, intended or otherwise, will draw a full-scale hover strike. Criticise us in any forum, in any terms, and you will be hovered.
End communication. Hover.
(Via Scott Wickstein. That Webdiary piece, by the way, featured one of my all-time favourite intros: “Are you sitting down? Good, because this is going to blow your mind.” Who the hell stands up when they’re online?)
- Hmm, maybe that google earth photo captured a picture of the boys arriving late to Hogwarts?Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2006 01 23 at 11:37 AM • permalink
- The Island of Laputa come to life! So, we’ll be able to hover over enemy cities and towns, blocking out the sunlight (although I’m not sure how this is going to be bad news for people living in a waterless desert area).
“Who the hell stands up when they’re online?”
People who are afraid that their chairs have secretly been fitted with anti-gravity devices that may be remotely controlled by neo-cons to whisk them in the air and bang their heads repeatedly against the ceiling.
- Oh, hell, just build your own…
But at least now we know why we always thought Webdiarists were airheads. Howard’s been using gravity control to drag the blood down out of their brains…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 01 23 at 12:04 PM • permalink
- Oh. My. God.
How did Karl’s speed racer get in Australia? Ok, my schedule for the rest of the day. One, work on my Shocked Beyond Belief look. Two, work on plausibly denyable excuse. Three, look up the word “denyable” and determine how it’s spelled. If none of that works, blame Stoop Davy Dave.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 01 23 at 01:15 PM • permalink
- I am terribly angry about this technology. So we have been sitting on this hover technology for how long?! I had to walk up and down the frickin’ Hindu Kush mountains when I could have just floated up?! Darn it, I WANT MY HOVER vehicle – or at least a good pair of anti-gravity boots…that darn body armor and gear was heavy.Posted by Major John on 2006 01 23 at 01:33 PM • permalink
- Someone go check it for stilts!
/obscure speilberg referrencePosted by Spiny Norman on 2006 01 23 at 01:34 PM • permalink
- …this craft comfortably seats four adults, gets 85 miles per gallon and comes in four attractive designer colors!Posted by perfectsense on 2006 01 23 at 02:03 PM • permalink
- 5. Pssst! Wronwright. Over here, by the hydrangea bush. No, no, that’s a rhododendron. HERE! Right.
Listen, I don’t mean to pry, and I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but Iowahawk hasn’t posted in quite a while, and, well, we were just noticing that there had been an appreciable reduction in the amount of finger-wriggling lately, you know, kinda like “the pressure’s off”. You wouldn’t know anything about this, would ya, kid?
Which leaves just one possible explantion: the Aussies have developed a gravity-busting hyperdrive, have bolted it into a second-hand Holden, and are seen here in the split second before their X-Motor made the transdimensional leap to hyper light speed.
That’s GOT to be it! There is NO possible way for a Holden to get 3 or 4 meters off the ground at 80 mph … unless it somehow ran off a road that was 4 or 5 meters up … or used an Evel Knievel ramp … or …
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 01 23 at 03:39 PM • permalink
- Oh! And before it’s too late, I’d just like to be among the first to welcome our new Australian masters. All our Knievel ramps are belong you!Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 01 23 at 03:43 PM • permalink
- Ah, Margolia! Such pearls of wisdom. Where does she hover now?
Back in the sixties (yes kiddies the 1960’s) my mum had a Hoover vacuum cleaner that hovered! A hovering Hoover! A Hoover hovercraft!
Dad’s Holden appeared to hover as well, especially on Summer Saturday afternoons as he zigged and zagged up the two mile road that led from the front gate to our farmhouse, after “drinks” following cricket.
- Pssst! Wronwright. Over here, by the hydrangea bush. No, no, that’s a rhododendron. HERE! Right.
Hee.
Paco receives Five Golden Smiley Faces for ridiculous humor. Or if you prefer, humour.
Posted by zeppenwolf on 2006 01 23 at 04:31 PM • permalink
- Where’s the comment on the National Party Rat in Victoria ???Posted by Barry Bones on 2006 01 23 at 06:42 PM • permalink
- “I need a hover that won’t drive me crazy”Posted by Rachel Corrie’s Flatmate on 2006 01 23 at 07:21 PM • permalink
- wronwright – We distinctly told you not to wax the red button on the steering wheel, but once again…Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 01 23 at 08:42 PM • permalink
- *sigh* Crap. You realize this means we have to let wronwright produce a THIRD “flubber” movie for Disney…?Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 01 23 at 08:43 PM • permalink
- Here in Nevada, home of area 51, it is practically bumper-to-bumper traffic with hovering vehicles. Instead of a commuter lane (2+ passengers) like California freeways have, the Nevada state legislature is considering a “hovering lane” approximately 3-4 meters above the normal freeway traffic. However, Jesse Jackson considers this a racist proposal (just like Selma all over again) since nearly all hovering vehicle owners are either white, or from another planet. Consequently, this proposed legislation favoring hovering lanes discriminates against minority interests.Posted by perfectsense on 2006 01 23 at 08:50 PM • permalink
Iowahawk hasn’t posted in quite a while … You wouldn’t know anything about this, would ya, kid?—paco
My guess Iowahawk (wiggles fingers in a wriggly motion) is either on a Top Secret mission for Karl. Or he’s lying in a drunken stupor in some gutter in River City, Iowa (population 2,004).
I’m betting on the latter.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 01 23 at 10:35 PM • permalink
I invite the world to fear our hovering wrath.
Okay, but… how are you going to get down here?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 01 23 at 11:37 PM • permalink
- Australia? A vehicle that defies gravity? A device that inverts the fundamental laws of physics? That can reverse time and nature itself!
OMG! This can mean only one thing!
Aeronautical engineer, historian, and general carer of what goes on in the world, Damian Lataan, must be close to finishing his thesis on neo-cons!!
He must be stopped I tell you! The very fate of the universe is at stake!
- it’s a simple design, based on these little bastardsPosted by Rachel Corrie’s Flatmate on 2006 01 24 at 03:23 AM • permalink
- blogstrop — We already have them. The problem is, no REAL biker wants to go unnoticed, so the first thing they do is yank the mufflers and fit them with straight pipes.
I mean, haven’t you ever been jarred out of a perfectly sound sleep by a roaring bike engine and yelled, “Where the bloody hell is that coming from?”
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 01 24 at 11:43 AM • permalink
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