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Last updated on March 6th, 2018 at 12:30 am

The Washington Times reports:

Al Qaeda has introduced an online women’s magazine with articles including dietary advice for suicide bombers …

You’ve tried Ab Blaster!  You’ve tried Thigh Blaster! You’ve tried Butt Blaster, you filthy whore! But only our Total Body Blaster can GUARANTEE you’ll lose POUNDS of unsightly limbs, eyes, bones, and internal organs … INSTANTLY!

And the best part is—you don’t have to diet at all! Simply attach the Total Body Blaster with the help of our trained body-mass reduction experts and take a brief walk, perhaps over to those Jews across the street, standing around ruling the world somehow. Then be AMAZED as your excess weight (and head) LITERALLY FLIES OFF!

Your friends won’t recognise the NEW YOU (for that, they’ll have to conduct DNA testing on brain particulate). Order NOW and receive a free copy of Rachel Corrie’s best-selling Shout Your Way to Slenderness!

Dial 1-800-FRAG. Offer void where prohibited.

Posted by Tim B. on 01/18/2005 at 12:09 PM
    1. Can we get Mike Moore to try it out, or is he still doing those ads for Subway?

      Posted by cuckoo on 01/18 at 12:44 PM • permalink

 

    1. Extensive research and refinement have come together to produce the unmatched and revolutionary design of the Butt BlasterTM fitness machine.

      Posted by Sortelli on 01/18 at 12:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. Bowflex, Semtex… I’m sure there’s something there, but I can’t get to it.

      Posted by Jim Treacher on 01/18 at 01:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. (((what a fucktard…)))
      ~thought balloon of kid to the right of corrie’s left hand ~

      Posted by guinsPen on 01/18 at 01:15 PM • permalink

 

    1. Heh. One of my commentors had a similar take.
      And it’s a fashion statement too!

      Posted by Kathy K on 01/18 at 01:17 PM • permalink

 

    1. Semflex?

      Posted by Jim Treacher on 01/18 at 01:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. ‘buttblaster’ ? sounds like a gay porn star.

      Posted by Deo Vindice on 01/18 at 01:36 PM • permalink

 

    1. Burn off that unsightly nitro-cellulite!

      Posted by Dave S. on 01/18 at 01:37 PM • permalink

 

    1. “Does my bomb look big in this?” (Not original)

      Posted by cuckoo on 01/18 at 01:56 PM • permalink

 

    1. Next up, the Mohammed Klein suicide tank top. Lets those muslim babes flash a little middrift just before they flash permanently.

      You’re a sick man for making me think like this, Blair.

      Posted by GaryS on 01/18 at 02:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. Brings new meaning to the description “thunder thighs” …

      Posted by Stevo on 01/18 at 02:19 PM • permalink

 

    1. Only a painted whore of Babylon would exhibit such concern for her own looks!

      Posted by Aaron – Free Will on 01/18 at 02:20 PM • permalink

 

    1. Eh, I think I’ll just stay with the low-carb, walk-a-lot diet I’m on. I think I’m allergic to semtex. Or was that mold spores? I get so confused…. And I think I’ll stay away from the Jews across the street here for the time being. See, they have bagels and hammentaschen, and rugelach, oy vey!

      Posted by Andrea Harris on 01/18 at 02:21 PM • permalink

 

    1. “sending televisions and air conditioners to be burned”?
      There is no place for women like this in the UN either!

      Posted by blogstrop on 01/18 at 02:23 PM • permalink

 

    1. I was going to write something flip in response to this….but that’s hard to do when your jaw is nestling the keyboard through horrified disbelief.

      For me, this is nearly the money quote:

      “…must learn the Koran by heart, have basic first aid training [and] be able to prepare an emergency kit “in which natural honey and water from the Zemzem spring at Mecca are indispensable since they flow directly from Paradise.”

      This totally does my head in. Rational thinking packs it in when confronted with this sort of mediaeval gibberish, doesn’t it?

      Someone please be sexist enough to assure me that women are naturally more sensible than to go for this crap?

      Posted by Brendan on 01/18 at 02:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hehe. This is quite possibly the funniest post in your history, Tim.

      Posted by Leigh on 01/18 at 03:45 PM • permalink

 

    1. I heard that al-Qaeda men shave their bodies before they become martyrs.  Does that men that the al-Qaeda women have to shave their moustaches?

      Posted by RebeccaH on 01/18 at 04:28 PM • permalink

 

    1. What IS the burst radius of an exploding Michael Moore?  Was Team America accurate in this regard?

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 01/18 at 04:55 PM • permalink

 

    1. What is the burst radius of an exploding Fat Boy?  Whatever it is, it’s not big enough!

      Posted by yojimbo on 01/18 at 05:00 PM • permalink

 

    1. Whenever I think of the exploding Michael Moore I have this ghoulish appetite for ham.

      Posted by Sortelli on 01/18 at 05:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. eXtreme makeover for activists!

      Posted by rog on 01/18 at 05:34 PM • permalink

 

    1. It wasn’t shouting that made Rachel Corrie thin. It was a twenty ton armoured Caterpillar Killdozer.

      Posted by David Gillies on 01/18 at 06:13 PM • permalink

 

    1. mark buttblaster makes ok movies but jeff stryker has more compelling attributes.

      Posted by Deo Vindice on 01/18 at 06:24 PM • permalink

 

    1. Why not try for the teen market? A catchy jingle could bring in a whole new lot of recruits- You Won’t Need No More Phisohex, Your Pimples Dissapear With Semtex!
      Or how about Think You’re Too Fat To Get A Fella? Why Not Give Your Life To Allah! You May Be A Chubby Gal, But More Kilos Mean More Shrapnel!

      Posted by Habib on 01/18 at 06:26 PM • permalink

 

    1. You’re NEVER too young for the Total Body Blaster!

      http://www.homestead.com/prosites-prs/suicidebombers.jpg

      Sick, sick, sick

      Posted by Spiny Norman on 01/18 at 07:03 PM • permalink

 

    1. How to Give ‘Em a Blow Job – the Muslim Way

      By Semtexologist O.B. Laden.

      Posted by TimT on 01/18 at 09:33 PM • permalink

 

    1. Well, given the restrictions of many Muslim societies, this is one way that the Muslim ladies can have a blast.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 01/18 at 10:22 PM • permalink

 

    1. So now, when your Muslim pal says to you at the water cooler “Gee, my wife really blew up at me last night…”, you’ll know what he means.

      Posted by cuckoo on 01/19 at 12:07 PM • permalink

 

  1. You sure about the phone number? I was sure it was 1-800-SUICIDE.

    Posted by Joe Bonforte on 01/19 at 06:12 PM • permalink