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Last updated on July 16th, 2017 at 09:32 am
Just like our precious planet, Tim Flannery’s reign as Australian of the Year is quickly coming to an end.
UPDATE. Col. Milquetoast presents the Emperor of Geothermia, holding aloft his Gilded Wallaby Sceptre:
Super column, Tim. The “Gilded Wallaby Scepter” is an image I will carry with me always.
Oh, by the way, and completely off-topic, of course, I was just reading about some Aztec traditions. I thought this was interesting: “The Aztecs sacrificed people in many different ways. One way was to give someone everything he wanted, but he was sacrificed at the end of the year.” As I say, off-topic – certainly not a suggestion, or anything like that. Hmm. I wonder if the Golden Wallaby Scepter cape of parrot feathers was handed on to the next guy . . .
I’m sick of these lazy trees not pulling their weight. They breathe in CO2 and exhale oxygen, right? So with all that extra CO2, these bastards should be thriving, growing all big and treethy and sucking in even more CO2 and exhaling even more oxygen to lower the CO2-to-oxygen ratio even more. But no, they won’t even grow unless some Papuan New Guineander gets paid to yell at them or something.
Incidentally, I planted about forty Chinese elms around my property ten years ago (and haven’t seen a single offset dime yet – where’s my check, envirodorks?) . They started out little twigs and now they’re twenty feet high. Hard working, these Chinese. I’m hoping my deadbeat maples learn something.
Oh, man, I so hear you. (cue sympathetic head tilt)
Posted by rick mcginnis on 2007 10 19 at 01:06 PM • permalink
Major points to our Tim for the Thunderbirds reference! 🙂
Posted by Mary in LA on 2007 10 19 at 01:36 PM • permalink
More likely: Oh, I don’t know. David Hicks, probably.
Nahhh. Dawood, is just to busy between posting here (looks about…hmmmm wonder who it is) and studying geology.
Wasn’t it geology….this anti-Semite-terrorist-killer-that got off easy cause the U.S. didn’t blow his head off nor give lessons on how to hang oneself in GITMO…wanted to study?
He puts the “pal” into “palaeontologist”!
And the “idiot” in “idiot”.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 10 19 at 01:41 PM • permalink
By the way, if there is any justice in this universe (and there is very little, indeed), Trooper David Pearce will be the next Australian of the Year.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 10 19 at 01:45 PM • permalink
What an excellent suggestion!! That is spot on, as they say down there.
Does anyone know how to contact the nitwits who put this thing together? We should start a campaign on this. Maybe that could be the subject of Tim’s next column. Raising awareness of an alternative point of view-and this would probably qualify-would go a long way.
Timmy and his gilded wallaby scepter. You are advised to assume an attitude of courteous submission
Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 10 19 at 02:20 PM • permalink
Policing this enterprise might be difficult even if I’m not involved. Who’s going to check that our lovely forest regrowers (in their internet-connected remote villages) are being honest? In fact, how could you tell that you’re actually dealing with a genuine highland chieftain/carbon entrepreneur?
Okay. Who else thought Tim was thinking of paco?
Posted by wronwright on 2007 10 19 at 03:10 PM • permalink
I have MET with the employees of Papuan Arboreal Carbon Offsets. Karl told me to expedite their visas. They reminded me of Goober, Tinker Bell, and the rest of McHale’s Navy when they dressed up as natives. They’re as Papuan as people from Pittsburgh. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if paco jr. wasn’t the ringleader.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 10 19 at 03:39 PM • permalink
Great article, as usual. And Col., that is a brilliant photoshop (at least, I’m assuming it’s a photoshop).
So, this paleontologist, who says that we are doomed right now, suggests transferring the wealth of nations to a bunch of stone age jungle dwellers to do what they’ve been doing for millenia. This brainiac is the Australian of the Year? And people are paying him to spew this idiocy? Makes a body wonder how we’ve come to have 6 billion people survive.
The Onion does it again!
Australian Man of the Year nomination process closed on August 31, 2007.
Well, yojimbo, there’s always 2008…….
I don’t think it’s awarded posthumously.
Too bad, kae.
Though it could have been changed for Flanners.
That, or a functioning brain is not a requirement for the award.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 10 19 at 04:35 PM • permalink
I nominate Tim Blair for Australian of the Year! Where’s that entry form?
Calls appropriate Australian government agency
Paco: Hello, this is Paco.
Australian: Yeh?
Paco: Are you the person I need to talk to about making a nomination for Australian of the Year?
Australian: Wut?
Paco: I said . . .
Australian: Yeh, yeh, yeh, Oi hud ya. Naow, Oim not the bloke ya want. Oim gist the fellah who hauls off the gehbage.
Paco: What do mean, “the cabbage”?
Australian: Crikey, mite, not the kebbage, the gehbage; paypah, auld pens, banenna peels, and wut not . . .
Paco: Well, is there anybody in authority there?
Australian: Wut? Inna gev’mint orfice at six ay em onna Saddidy? Daon’t mike me leff, mite!
Paco: Oh, I hadn’t realized the time difference. Can you take down a message and leave it with the right person?
Australian: Oi reckon oi could. I mean, oi kin read n wroit naow, kint oi?
Paco: Er, sure, sure you can. No offense. Tell the head guy to call me at 999-555-8888.
Australian: “ ‘ed goy’, noin, noin, noin, foive, foive, foive, ite, ite, ite, ite.”
Paco: Er . . . yes, that’s right. Thanks.Monday morning – Sydney Time; phone rings
Paco: Hello?
Second Australian: G’day, mite. Tom towd me t’cull ya.
Paco: Oh, thanks for calling. I want information about nominating someone for the Australian of the Year award.
2nd Australian: Wut?
Paco: The Australian of the . . .
2nd Australian: Yeh, yeh, yeh, oi hud ya. Sory, mite, kin’t hep ya.
Paco: Why, aren’t you the head guy?
2nd Australian: Yeh, oim the ‘ed goy. Oi’ve been wukkin’ in theh for the past aowuh replaicin’ auld ass gaskets wid new ones. But plummin’s my line. Oi down’t knaow nuffin’ ‘bowt enny Orstraylian aword.
********************************Sorry, Tim. I tried.
Oh thanks. I’m hearing it again.
Deer Meester Gore.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 10 19 at 05:18 PM • permalink
We’d better get cracking on rolling out Al Gore’s information superhighway to the PNG highlands. Those highlanders and all going to need a new PC and ADSL and plenty of electricity.
Guess we’ll need to put in a few hydroelectric dams to supply the electricity. They’ll also need to raise some cash to buy their new PC and pay for the installation of an ISP infrastructure. I know – they can cut down some trees and sell them to pay for all that. How many trees do you have to cut down to pay for a PC? Probably about 2 SFIs.*
* = Stupid Flannery Idea. Each SFI has a value of approx $1,000. In his reign Embarrasment of the Century, he has tried to impose at least a dozen SFIs on each household.
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 10 19 at 05:40 PM • permalink
#45 I’m in the PNG highlands right now. Yes send me a new PC and some a that ADSL stuff.
(looks out window)
Can’t see too many trees around here, but send me enough cash and I’ll try to find a few not to cut down. Oh, and send me a chainsaw not to cut them down with.
Posted by Willmott Fribbish on 2007 10 19 at 06:23 PM • permalink
Apologies for going off topic, but who’d have seen this coming:
Leftists shatter Che Guevara monument
Posted by Young and Free on 2007 10 19 at 06:26 PM • permalink
- Last column on Flannery? He’s already being left out of serious commentary on climate:
“What does this mean? Put bluntly, it means that the Kyoto treaty on greenhouse gas emissions is dead and so is any prospect of persuading Beijing to bind itself to other curbs on carbon emissions. We can stop kidding ourselves that China will sign up to any green thingy that hinders his party’s ten-year plan to get rich quick.”
“The feeble intellectual response of Europe and America to this energy challenge is becoming a matter not of concern but alarm. The use of food crops for biofuels, the hobbling of energy companies with the obligation to use unreliable and expensive alternatives and the lack of investment in nuclear power is frightening.
Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. It is not in our power to stop the Chinese locomotive; we should leave our fantasies behind, acknowledge that carbon emissions will continue to grow and plan accordingly.”Feeble intellectual response of Europe and America?
I must protest. We have feeble intellectuals here in Australia too!
#45 mr. Creosote, I sense 1.618 might be drawing a Stupid Flannery Idea (TM) right now.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 10 19 at 06:48 PM • permalink
Just like our precious planet, Tim Flannery’s reign as Australian of the Year is quickly coming to an end.
Why? Is he drowning?
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 10 19 at 06:51 PM • permalink
#53 Andy, perhaps Flim Flam Man has decided to take his misanthropy to its logical conclusion.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 10 19 at 07:24 PM • permalink
The two biggest difficulties in replicating the phonetic sounds of an English language dialect are (1) you can never be sure that your readers are going to “pronounce” the spellings the way you intended, and (2) it’s a nightmare trying to reduce diphthongs to a recognizable string of vowels. For example, with very, very few exceptions, I’ve almost never seen a U.S. southern dialect spelled in a way that struck me as phonetically realistic.
In any event, maybe I’ll have an opportunity to study proper ‘strine when I visit Australia. [Note: “‘strine” is a wonderful attempt at capturing the local pronunciation, but still not quite . . .right ].
Ah dohnt know whhut yuh tahlkin’ uhbout, Pahcuho. Suthen’s eeasy.
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2007 10 19 at 07:29 PM • permalink
- #55
Paco, paco, paco.Strine is the language of ‘Straylia.
Works for us.***
Oh, and Tim, mum just phoned me about the bits in the paper on Rudd’s dietary supplement, the dog and so on. Is that on line, too? (I had phoned her last night and told her about the ear booger and the dog pooh, so she knew about it…)
Of course, today I had no idea if my boss was saying Aaron or Erin, since both are pronounced exactly the same in Georgia. Kinda like Ayhr’n.
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2007 10 19 at 07:34 PM • permalink
1.618, it ends in New Jersey. I find most things do, eventually.
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2007 10 19 at 07:52 PM • permalink
1.618, Americans in general and New Yorkers in particular (even ones who have been away for a long time) like to make fun of New Jersey. Parts of it look like Mordor while other parts are absolutely beautiful.
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2007 10 19 at 08:03 PM • permalink
This will be my last comment on Flannery as the waves are breaking around my workstation… who knew?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 10 19 at 08:07 PM • permalink
Maybe Mr Flim Flannery could join the ALP as a special advison to Mr Rudd. Let him know if havesting earwax is sustainable.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 10 19 at 08:34 PM • permalink
- So if I give money to some remote tribe for the right to produce carbon (damn, that sounds bodgy) that they were not going to produce anyway, and then go ahead and produce said carbon, then the catastrophe that the world faces will still happen – it does not reduce the amount of carbon dioxide being released.
Hell, if I can buy carbon sanctity, I might even produce more.
But it is not really about the carbon, is it?Posted by Toiling Mass on 2007 10 19 at 09:01 PM • permalink
Compounding the problem, there are several varieties of southern accent: We have three distinct versions here in Texas, for example.
The sweet things just off of daddy’s ranch in west Texas tend to drawl the word “Texas” out into three syllables, for instance: “Tay-ex-us.” But, you have to know by experience that the first syllable is accented and drawn out, while the second two pass as mere afterthoughts.
I believe it is the problem of accent within the accent that makes immitating a southern accent phonetically in print so difficult.
Have you considered using the accent marks in your extended keyboard repertoire? I have faith that you – of all people – could pull it off.
- #46 kae. Used to be popular in the 1950s when referring to our friends from South Africa. A bloke in my squadron with the surname Botha didn’t seem to mind being called a Yarpi.
Nowadays, it seems to be more applicable to Sud Afrikaans than to South Africans (with English heritage).
A neighbour who hails form that country, and who has a very refined English accent, prefers me not to apply the word to him because of perceived pejorative overtones.
I travelled around a bit of Europe with an (english) South African. His preferred term for his Afrikaans brethren was “glinkernuts”, which I think translates roughly as “cling-ons”.
I have just googled glinkernuts and got no response, so presumably this comment will be the first place where that term has ever been used.
Unless my spelling is just completely atrocious.
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 10 19 at 10:14 PM • permalink
- #55 very true, Paco. I wouldn’t even know where to start spelling out words in Texan for a Texan reader.
I could probably do a reasonable job of a Texan accent for an Australian reader because we all give much the same values to the vowels we are reading.
You are spot on about “‘strine” being not quite…. right. Nor does “‘strayan” work for all readers.
I would say that it should be pronounced “stry-n”, with just a hint of two syllables but no separating consonant. Probably most Aussies think they are saying “stray-n”.
To complicate matters, since the book on ‘Strine was written, Australian accents have changed quite a bit.
- #79 mr c; I’ve not heard of “glinkernuts” either and Google usually does a good job with spelling errors, so I think you can safely claim it — or at least its resurrection — as yours.
“Yarpi” also failed the Google test but I seem to recall hearing it during recent cricket matches.
I’m often puzzled by the many similarities in the three Southern Hemisphere versions of spoken English.
Must be the Coriolis effect, I think.
What does Flummers et al make of one of the developed Asian nations hosting the world’s first night time Formula 1 Grand Prix with 3 Mega Watts of generator power and 1,500 lighting towers?
I think “Yarpi” and “glinkernuts” are two gems of the English language, whatever they mean. Pure poetry.
#77 Hucbald: I do solove all the varieties of our great language! BTW, do Texans see themselves primarily as “southerners” or “westerners”? Or (as I strongly suspect), simply “Texans”? (And a’fore you pull that six-shooter, pard, by “simply”, I don’t mean “merely”, but “exclusively”).
El Cid– hypothetical AGW waves, son…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 10 19 at 11:36 PM • permalink
Actually, (American) English is probably the easiest second language there is to learn, if all you want to do is to be understood. You need a minimum of about 500 words. Don’t worry about tenses or word order or much of anything else. We’re so used to ‘fractured’ English (from our close ancestors, maybe) and wildly varying accents (I once served as a translator in the US between an airman from Boston and one from Biloxi, MS) that we pretty much automatically try to guess what the speaker is trying to say.
I mean, the Pennsylvania Dutch American English accent is still there, as it the Swedish Minnesotan/Dakotan American English, plus Puerto Rican, and German, and Polish, and, well I think you get the idea.
Plus, we won’t laugh at your weird efforts to speak English any harder than we do at those from Joisey or Appalachia.
Posted by JorgXMcKie on 2007 10 20 at 12:25 AM • permalink
The easiest languages for an English speaker to learn are the Nordic ones. I was in Sweeden for several months, and it was quite easy to learn. The hardest part was trying to convince the Swedes not to practice their English on me.
Many English words entered the language via Nordic invaders. Their word for the number 2, for example, is “tvo” (Now you know where the silent “w” came from), and zero is “nol,” from which we get “null.” Then there’s our word “knife” which is “knive” in Swedish (Pronounced like it looks). The list goes on and on.
And, an unabridged Swedish dictionary is only about an inch thick. About 7,500 words, if I remember correctly.
Still, I landed more chicks by walking up to a bar and in my best American accent saying, “Can I have another beer please?” than by trying to speak Swedish to them. Go figure.
Noel Pearson? You have to be kidding. I heard him agree with John Howard. That’s a worse crime than pedophilia.*
* Cite Bob Collins as evidence.
But I agree – Pearson would be a great Australian of the year. He is an Aborigine who has the ear of the media AND has the best interest of Aborigines at heart. Haven’t been many like him.
#83 – Skeeter, you probably couldn’t find ‘Yarpi’ in Google because that’s the phonetic spelling. As it’s an Afrikaans word and therefore derived from Dutch, the ‘j’ is pronounced with a ‘y’ sound and the word is spelled ‘japie’. I made reference to the term here when saying that I hope the Springboks win the Rugby World Cup final because they’re marginally less objectionable than the Poms.
The sweet things just off of daddy’s ranch in west Texas tend to drawl the word “Texas” out into three syllables, for instance: “Tay-ex-us.” But, you have to know by experience that the first syllable is accented and drawn out, while the second two pass as mere afterthoughts.
Those southern belles are so darn cute.
Reminds me of my trip to North Carolina and a chance meeting there.She loved my Aussie accent. I loved her Southern accent.
We went to a motel and talked to each other all night.
Flannery’s reign coming to an end?
As they say in Esperanto, “We live in hope.”