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Last updated on July 2nd, 2017 at 09:01 am
Yet another cancer column … made slightly unusual in the history of such pieces by the phrase “burning pig fat”.
Now get back to bed!
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 02 01 at 12:07 PM • permalink
- JOURNALIST NEEDS NEW MATERIAL
Why Tim? Ya missing a colon?Ba da boom.Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week and don’t forget to try the baby seal – it’s delicious.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2008 02 01 at 12:38 PM • permalink
Not meaning to be flippant or anything… but after your latest escape I have a suggestion for some new material, Tim.
Next week, perhaps we might see the said journalist wrapped tightly in cling wrap, bound in a straight jacket, padlocked in chains and submerged in a huge, glass Timquarium.
No hurry. Catch your breath first.
Tim, just be thankful that you weren’t hospitalized in San Francisco. Plastic bags of any sort are criminal. You have to bring your own. Conjures alot of really bad images, doesn’t it?
Posted by Deborah Leigh on 2008 02 01 at 01:47 PM • permalink
Not sure which was the best line in the column –
A certain amount of strength is sapped by this and it’s just as debilitating whether you’re the burly type capable of tossing cabers or a sedentary journalist fellow who has just used an online dictionary to make sure cabers is spelt right.
– or –
I’m cured.
Actually, that’s a no-brainer.
“I was host to a visibly evil egg-size tumour – the medical equivalent of a global Green government living in my arse.”
Best line of the decade. So far.
Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2008 02 01 at 02:28 PM • permalink
Peter Garrett better back off on that ban-plastic-bags campaign of his.
But, but, but – what’s wrong with a paper bag? Surely they can do the job just as well? You need to think of the dolphins.
As for your surgeon, Prof Newstead. Boy, doing his job must take a lot of guts.
Boom boom.
Posted by mr creosote on 2008 02 01 at 03:59 PM • permalink
“I was host to a visibly evil egg-size tumour – the medical equivalent of a global Green government living in my arse.”
I’d steal that, but I might get the same problem.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 02 01 at 04:08 PM • permalink
All ya’ll have a good weekend and see you Wednesday.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2008 02 01 at 05:15 PM • permalink
#26 Dave S.: Good work! If you’re going to be traveling through Mississippi anytime soon, looks like you won’t have to bag a lunch.
Tis said that when America sneezes, Australia catches a cold. Tim gets sick – and look what happens to The Bulletin. Spooky.
Bryan Ferry is reputed to have one of those plastic thingummies, which just goes to show it is all rather glamorous.
BTW, given that Tim’s column was actually about Tim, I wonder if he managed to beat Traceee with the personal pronoun count this week? Tough ask.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 02 01 at 06:25 PM • permalink
Having spent a bit of time with them over the years, I can tell you, Physiotherapists are just people who weren’t quite cruel enough to become dentists.
Posted by Harry Buttle on 2008 02 01 at 06:27 PM • permalink
Best news I’ve heard in a very long time, Tim.
Several bottles of shiraz being opened right now in your honor.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2008 02 01 at 06:37 PM • permalink
Check out the headline on the SMH webpage about “Retarded women…”
A shocking story, sure enough, but especially charming use of language to describe people with Downs Syndrome.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 02 01 at 06:43 PM • permalink
#37 No sooner mentioned and they changed it to “disabled”…
Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 02 01 at 06:44 PM • permalink
- Posted by Jack Lacton on 2008 02 01 at 07:18 PM • permalink
- Blair is back, Oakes joins Blair now Gates hotmail says you who to yahoo. Where are we going?
As we read Internet access in India improved Friday as international service providers shifted their Internet traffic to cables under the Pacific Ocean to bypass two undersea cables damaged earlier this week. The two cables deep under the Mediterranean Sea snapped on Wednesday, disrupting service since then across a swath of Asia and the Middle East.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 07:24 PM • permalink
Did any one hear the story of the thief who snatched a plastic bag full of dog residue from the owner walking the dog? Urban [not Keith] myth maybe but good story. Like a bag full of KRudd, who is supposedly peeling mandarins.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 07:57 PM • permalink
Will your colleagues call you ‘semi colon’?
Jokes aside, you are a legend Tim. Being the same age, your story gave me a real shock. I will pay more attention as to whether or not I should see a Doctor instead of not wanting to appear a ‘wus’.
I’m glad Im not buying groceries from the good Professor. Something egg sized involved 2.5 kilos in the end. He must have had his hand on the scales at the time.
Good column, Tim. The talking helicopter made me chuckle out loud (“COL” I guess in internet speak), and the final line gave me a big smile, and a buzz that lasted long after I’d finished reading.
Posted by daddy dave on 2008 02 01 at 08:37 PM • permalink
I am happy today. Tim is cured.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 02 01 at 08:54 PM • permalink
OT, but inspirational all the same.
Some ‘dirtbag’ in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up ‘executing’ the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:‘That’s all the bullets we had!’
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)
Tim, the next time some leftie says that you’re full of sh*t, just throw that bag at him and say, “No, I’m not, and here’s the proof!”
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 02 01 at 10:03 PM • permalink
Another webpage
Fighters from all over Australia will step into the ring and take on the bream of the Ametuer boxing world from the Ukraine.
Our glasshouse is stoned again.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 10:23 PM • permalink
Since we’re way off topic, I’ve found archival footage of Detective Paco in action.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 02 01 at 10:31 PM • permalink
What about the col(on)atteral damage?- the millions of innocent tumour cells killed and the multi-millions made homeless by your war on cancer?
Where’s the proof that said tumour had any plans to invade neighbouring regions?
IMHO, neocon Tim only started this war to boost the profits of big medicine. It’s not even as if the tumour had tried to kill his Daddy.
Kofi Annan must be deeply concerned.
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2008 02 01 at 10:38 PM • permalink
- For cleaning out the cobwebs or other things.
BRISBANE reports: CYCLONE GENE MOVING SOUTH ABOUT 03 KNOTS. CYCLONE WEAKENING. EXPECT WINDS OVER 33 KNOTS WITHIN 180 MILES OF CENTRE IN THE SOUTHERN SEMICIRCLE AND WITHIN 120 MILES OF CENTRE ELSEWHERE.
Chart shows NZ is south of GENE.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 10:41 PM • permalink
NSW Fair Trading Minister Linda Burney has called the incident, where an elderly woman loses thousands to shonky tradesmen, the lowest of the low, and says people should always use licensed trades people to insure they don’t get ripped off.
Since Linda Burney is NSW’s first indigenous MP, can we expect an apology for her inaction? Will she be $orry?
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 10:50 PM • permalink
66 we go O/T as soon as his Timship packs his bags leaves the building. We are a restless lot.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 10:53 PM • permalink
64 Webpage now reads:
Fighters from all over Australia will step into the ring and take on the cream of the ametuer boxing world from the Ukraine.
Only half stoned now.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 10:59 PM • permalink
#64 tee hee sounds like the new girl on the local rag here. There’s a couple of groaners in this article. Shouldn’t someone be correcting her?
73 kae, I try to remember to spell check. Do not know about kids today.
As Paul Lynde used to sing, “Why can’t they be like we were / Perfect in every way / Oh, what’s the matter with kids today?
This was a lyric from the 1960 musical Bye Bye Birdie. Yes I am that old.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 11:40 PM • permalink
Yeah Latino, and the bit about
anecdotes which resembled the larrkin… were paramount
She wrote a reasonable piece in the same issue about attending a clairvoyant’s “show” at the local club and how she is still a skeptic. I think there are only about three reporters/writers on the local rag.
They need to expand their horizons.
And get a proof reader.
- “Blair Brethren” Exclusive?
Labor will be $orry.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 01 at 11:42 PM • permalink
- #77
Spell check’s fine, but you need to know all the different spellings of different meaning but same sounding words.Best I ever saw, and I’ve mentioned it many times, was an HUGE headline on the front of the QT, Ipswich’s newspaper, in reference to a father who was very upset to see that his toddler’s grave had been desecrated with toys and so on stolen. The headline read (in type as huge as it can be on the front page…)“I BALLED MY EYES OUT”
now that’s some session, but I think he meant bawled.
I wish I had the headline thingies of that story that they used to put in the little cages outside the newsagents.
Priceless.
We had a charming old crusty chap with a colostomy bag living in Northampton. My Aunty was with a mob who would go around and cook and assist him in his home, rather than he have to go to an old peoples home or special needs housing.
He wasnt the cleanest of chaps and you know how some people put out plastic bottles of water to stop dogs crapping on their lawns?
Well this bloke went one better, he used to just pitch his old colostomy bags off the verandah out the front into his yard.
Every day..
All year…The final straw came when some of the carers started to find the bags in the sink and worst of all in his fridge.
He was then sent off to the home.Nadia will stick you in a home if you do that Tim!! So dont.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 02 02 at 12:00 AM • permalink
80 kae, I was taught read for meaning. For example: The principal’s principal principle there at the concert was to see school kids behaved as their parents watched.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:03 AM • permalink
Apparently, the Sea Shepherds (dunno if they see the irony in their title) will increase their Southern Ocean fleet to two so that they can rotate them in a constant vigil on the eeevil Japanese whalers.
Perhaps, if the Shepherds can toss buteric acid at the whalers, the whalers can throw colostomy bags in return?
84 kae a pro journalist once knew better but today they get edukated at univercity and well now we read the resalt.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:12 AM • permalink
- 85 Or should that be:
I neva use spel chek. Makes one lazi.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:22 AM • permalink
91 Google says bladder of a fin whale holds 5.5 gallons.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:32 AM • permalink
92 or http://www.google.com/translate
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:35 AM • permalink
- Now we have
AFP to question whaling activistsPosted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:38 AM • permalink
#95 – shouldn’t that be grill whaling activists?
Posted by mr creosote on 2008 02 02 at 12:50 AM • permalink
Now we have: China Chinalco and US aluminium producer Alcoa buys Rio stake, threatens BHP plan.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:51 AM • permalink
- Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 12:53 AM • permalink
100 The “barb” in Steve Irwin, made its point.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 01:03 AM • permalink
102 Shrimp boats is a-coming their sails are in sight. Sounds like a song.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 01:13 AM • permalink
- Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 01:19 AM • permalink
Meanwhile in Africa the noble savage:
At least nine people were killed in western Kenya yesterday
in revenge attacks over the shooting of an opposition MP, officials said yesterday, despite a call from the UN secretary general, Ban Ki-moon, for an end to the violence.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 01:26 AM • permalink
A new botnet distributing male sexual enhancement pills spam has overtaken the notorious Storm worm botnet as the ‘largest single source of the world’s spam’, security vendor Marshal has warned.
Maybe the Japanese could eat Spam not whale meat?
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 01:30 AM • permalink
Oh, the humour on this thread!
It krills me!
Posted by mr creosote on 2008 02 02 at 01:42 AM • permalink
108 Or as said by Dr. Edward Morbius:
In times long past, this planet was the home of a mighty, noble race of beings who called themselves the Krell.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 01:56 AM • permalink
#106 Annan’s peace mission must still be running.
Nairobi, recently.
Annan: Hello, I have come to bring peace between the Kenyan people.
PM Mwai Kibaki: Hello, Kofi, it’s all over. We will form a government of national unity, won’t we Raila.
Opposition leader Raila Odinga: That’s correct. We have overcome all our differences.
Annan: So no problems with forming a government in partnership with a poofter pedophile with no testicles, Mwai?
Odinga: Eh?
Annan: Ludicrous claim anyway, Raila. If you were a poofter pedophile with no testicles how could you be fucking Mwai’s wife and daughter? Suppose the girl’s 15. Fucking two monkeys, you said. (looking at Kibaki) Raila calls Kikuyu people monkeys. Most amusing.
Kibaki: Monkeys? I will hunt you and all your people down and slaughter them like the pigs they are. Kenya will be free of its sub-human tribes.
Odinga: Sub-humans? We should have helped the British wipe out the Kikuyu when we had the chance. This is war, bloody war.Later, as Annan heads back to the airport, he reports in at the UN.
Annan: It all went well. I used the same diplomacy that brought peace to Rwanda in 1994. Are you sure? 500,000 killed. Nobody mentioned that to me.
- If you Google “burning pig fat” you are referred to his Timship. http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23143876-5001031,00.html
/
He has the power.Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 02:09 AM • permalink
- Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 02:16 AM • permalink
- At our ABC there are worries about the Scarlet Alliance and charged sex worker won’t get fair trial.
Where is the Smallpox Alliance?Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 02:27 AM • permalink
Thought y’all foreign devils might enjoy a bit of a laugh.
Retired Special Forces man gets tried by jury of his peers.The charges were:
1. Failure to save tax payers the cost of a jury trail for a thief.
2. Using substandard caliber weapon on said thief.
Sure, today it’s just a colostomy bag.
Tomorrow, Labor’s gonna need new candidates…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 02 02 at 02:42 AM • permalink
119 The Greeks have a word for it Ketos sea-monster, sound like Loch Nessie. So should not the Cetacean Reserve Area Protectors be over in Scotland?
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 04:58 AM • permalink
117, Hicks is retarded, and he is a hero of OBL, go figure.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 05:00 AM • permalink
Today, Typhoid Mary is a generic term for a carrier of a dangerous disease who is a danger to the public because they refuse to take appropriate precautions.
Meanwhile in Sydney NSW Health a measles acute viral disease outbreak creates a flurry. Seems to be a double standard as usual.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 05:21 AM • permalink
#113; Go Cocks! Bad bad bad but what the hell the world’s going this way anyway.
Posted by dean martin on 2008 02 02 at 05:22 AM • permalink
Is it just me, or is it wrong to sue the landlord if your toddler falls out a second storey window?
The argument appears to be that the windows should have security screens so that kids can’t fall out.
Many, many people have lived in units (flats, apartments) and their kids haven’t fallen out of windows. Perhaps it’s because of the careful placement of furniture?
#123. I’m sorry for the cynicism but this blog brings out the best in me. I was exposed to FACS Family and Community Services in a Capital City of Australia (Adelaide) for 2 and a bit years and saw the absolutely useless non productive loss of squillions of tax dollars to feel good, let’s have lots of meetings and I want to do the chalkboard kind of people.
But the saddest thing was going to the homes in the suburbs that housed the wayward kids and see them without discipline (purely for PC reasons) and hope. I’m sure some 12 years later that 99% of those children are in jail. FACS – should be an acronym for FUCKED AND COLLECTIVELY STUPID.
132 Nanny state needs dismantling. But now we have $orry state in Canberra. One day families will win and nanny state will disappear.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 07:02 AM • permalink
#135. I wish I had 10% of your optimism. I really believe we are in for many many long years of darkness. Just look at the institutionalized nature of Labor Governments at State and Federal levels, the ineptness of the conservative opposition at State and Federal levels, the fact we now have more bureaucrats than we have free enterprise workers (who’s paying the bills??), the stupidity of the last election, the institutionalization of sports, the politicisation of education, the lack of political interest and naivete by the average person and you get a disappointing overview. Please tell me I’m wrong.
- Off topic, but a tiresomely familiar tale.
Another not-so-true ‘true story’?Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 02 02 at 07:12 AM • permalink
#127 Kae, if the tenant has such an issue with security screens, they shouldn’t have moved into the place.
Re the toddler falling out, the little tacker’s parent should have been keeping a closer watch.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 02 02 at 07:33 AM • permalink
- #143
Good. I’m glad it’s not just me.Clapton’s son fell out a window and died. He wrote a song about the child. Do you think these morons didn’t get the message? Or are they just thick about safety and kids and common sense.Oh, wait. Common sense, the most uncommon commodity these days. That’s why we have to waste a small fortune on OH&S crap on silly stuff that should be common sense.
#123 Stackja, I notice in your link to the story about measles:
“People who haven’t been immunised, especially those living in western Sydney, and anyone who attended the emergency department during that period, need to be particularly vigilant as they may have come into contact with the disease.
Am I the only person who equated people from western Sydney who hadn’t been immunised with tales of poison bananas?
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 02 02 at 07:46 AM • permalink
146 “western Sydney” is a different world, diseases run rampant, but it is not pc to say so.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 02 at 05:42 PM • permalink
Yay!
I’m sure it won’t be long until you’re (not your) back to those Big Lunches with Expensive Wine.