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Last updated on July 2nd, 2017 at 09:17 am
This week’s column deals with an unavoidable subject. Illustration by Dave Follett.
UPDATE. The world’s funniest cancer column! Well, it’s not exactly a crowded field.
Welcome to the life of the aging male. If my personal experiences with sigmoidoscopy are any indication, I won’t become a practitioner of gay sex anytime soon. If you didn’t like sigmoidoscopy, you probably won’t like cystoscopy either, unless the sensation of broken glass in your urethra feels good to you.
Things could be worse. Fight on and get well.
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2008 01 18 at 01:36 PM • permalink
The shocking stuff is only supposed to happen to other people who later end up dramatized in bad made for TV dramas. Thankfully, you have a lot of great news. My grandfather had the same surgery in his late 40’s and enjoyed his shots of whiskey and pipe ‘til old age took him at 94.
You remain in our prayers.
#4, Yeah, just remembered a two year overdue colonoscopy referral lays hidden somewhere. After the last experience when I awoke mid-procedure in some pain to hear the practitioner declare, “Um, it must be broken, nurse, get another (thingeee),” I resolved never to revisit the prick again. Oh well, thanks for the reminder Paco.
God bless you, Nadia, and best wishes for Monday, Tim.
As a 50 year old male I have resigned myself to a life of pain and not just the annoying little aches that come with aging joints, but, the occurance several times each day of feeling that I am being stabbed repeatedly throught my spine through to my sternum.
Been to the specialists, been MRI’ed and cat/pet scanned until the cows come home, still no diagnosis, wore a monitoring harness for a couple of weeks.
I have eschewed pain medication, not because of some false macho premise of manliness equaling pain tolerance, but, because of the long term consequences from their use.
My pain tolerence has become such that I believe that I could lose a limb, or at least several digits without much concern.
But life is good, I still breath, I still enjoy every sandwich.
Speaking of which, there is a two inch thick Ruben just calling my name at the moment.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2008 01 18 at 01:52 PM • permalink
Great storytelling, Tim. Thank you for the update.
Rittenhouseketeers are on alert for you.
Posted by Rittenhouse on 2008 01 18 at 02:02 PM • permalink
Great article, once again….Good Luck Tim!!
Posted by Old Tanker on 2008 01 18 at 02:12 PM • permalink
I certainly hope Tony Snow didn’t bother reading the comments. In case he does, I better start discussing loftier subjects. Like, um, Renaissance art. And shit like that.
Posted by wronwright on 2008 01 18 at 02:19 PM • permalink
Excellent column, Tim! Yeah, hitting 40 sucks…..but 50 sucks even more. I still work out and exercise, but the cost of doing so is a bit more than it was when I was 30. But aging is part of life, and one must simply accept this, and enjoy it.
No side effects, and I felt great after coming out from under.
Same here, paco, except I upchucked the cup of coffee the clinc gave me when I woke up.
Oh, and my older brother got his *first* colonoscopy when I did. When I suggested exchanging copies of the resulting photos, he was less than enthusiastic about that, for some odd reason.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 01 18 at 02:27 PM • permalink
Now you understand, Tim, what women go through on a yearly basis from their early twenties until well past menopause. I’ve undergone the sigmo and a colonoscopy, and I won’t even go into what they do to you when you have heart issues.
We’ll be thinking of you on Monday here at Casa H, and probably bothering God again a time or two. Feel better!
Somewhere between growing up and growing old, we all have to deal with that balancing act between hypochondria and denial.
It is good you have some veterans of this type of fight to watch over you and talk you through the rough patches.
Just remember, the fear you feel is normal and rational.
Still praying for you, Mr. Tim. And you too, Killaette.
God Bless you too, Mr. Snow. And everyone else dealing with trails and tribulations, minor or extreme.
Because colon cancer is what did in my Dad, I had to go for a colonoscopy at 37. The doctors asked if I wanted to be awake during the proceedure so I could watch on the screen. I gave him a look that answered his question.
The worst part of it was that stuff I had to drink the night before. They flavored it and still it was horrible. I basically sat on the toilet from 6 to 11 PM.
In any event Tim, we are all pulling for you. Good to hear it was caught early. We all expect you to be back to annoying international head tilters quickly.
My mother (who had surgery and chemo for Stage II colon cancer almost ten years ago) informs me that the surgery isn’t bad, but waiting for your tummy to heal up is distinctly non-fun. And that you should definitely opt for colonoscopies (unconscious) over sigmoidoscopies (not-unconscious).
btw, she’s 81 now, cancer-free and still going strong.
Best of lucky with the operation and we look forward to Tim, our Tim, firing on all twelve cylinders after suitable recovery time. They say Guiness helps you heal, please let me know if VB has the same effect. If not maybe Tooheys? 4X? A bit of each?
The cartoon had a nice conservative message. This is Tim…Tim has cancer…This is Tim dealing with his cancer by smashing its ugly face…This is Tim getting on with things. It’s a personal responsibility parable!
If [insert lefty columnist here] got this ill it would defy the imagination and skill of any illustrator. How do you draw: pleas for more government funding for research and hospices; Self-loathing; the responsibility corporations must take for pollution, food additives and climate change; The education system for not teaching people more cancer awareness; the health care system for not being able to see this earlier and the government cuts that are to blame; and scientists who research ways to make our burgers better but not improve medical dianostic tools which are cold and cruel just like their capitalist hearts; more government funding and finally a call that twice yearly mandatory colon scans be required for evey male over 30 since you can’t be too safe; and think of the children.
Best wishes for Monday and a speedy recovery. Fight on.
Posted by lil varmint on 2008 01 18 at 03:01 PM • permalink
- Since I’m 50 now i had my colonoscopy. They needed two days to flush me out. Turns out I have this extra large colon. You could park cars there.
Go ahead – make your own joke. I’ve heard them all.
Anyway, colonoscopy not so bad.
Checking the prostate was awful. The doctor kind of punched it with his finger. My knees buckled.That’s enough True Confessions for today.
All the best, Tim.
- The worst part of colonoscopy is the day before and the morning before the procedure. When I came out from under the anesthesia, I had the strangest feeling that they stuck daisies in me and took pictures… may need to do a Google image search…
Anyhow, good luck Monday Tim, there are hundreds of deranged right-wing conspiracists pulling for you. Fight on, you magnificent bastard.
I don’t worry about Tim. Nothing can happen to him until either of the following happens.
Collingwood becomes “Australia’s Team”
or
Paco becomes a cricket expert.Based upon my back of the envelope calculations that makes him immortal.
/The prayer button in the yojimbo household is in the “on” position.
Interesting posts, guys. I don’t feel so lone-ily-decrepit.
#16
The worst part of it was that stuff I had to drink the night before. They flavored it and still it was horrible. I basically sat on the toilet from 6 to 11 PM.
Drano. I called it Drano. The label called it something else, starting with a G. That’s it! Glyco-prep, probably made out of left-over radiator water, with coolant.
I’ve since discovered Pico Prep which is only two glasses of icky bathwater. It’s got its drawbacks, but it’s much easier than downing three litres of bathwater, two the day before, the faster the better, and one the next morning on rising (Oh Joy!).
I wanted to watch the last one, but he said if it hurt they’d have to put me under and I’d probably forget watching. I decided it wasn’t worth it.
I don’t understand why these greenies can’t take the bowel polyps and build a bloody new Barrier Reef with them.
Oh bloody hell. About 6 months ago I found some blood when I looked down after going to the little boys room. It happened once or twice. I also have pain, very rarely but intense momentary. I went to the doc and he told me it was time for the bum cam. I know about the cordial-from-hell and putting the TV infront of the toilet all the night before from my father who has never had cancer but usually has one or two polyps removed. I have been busy but not that busy. Im only 36. I really really really dont want to be there when they assault the “citadel of my integrity”. I guess I cant lie to myself anymore. It is time to face this. I cant imagine what Tim is facing. Anyone know where Tim will be recovering?
The column really paints an appropriately serious picture (without wallowing, of course). “It’s cancer” from the other day made my blood run cold and my blood just ran cold again – and it had warning this time. Response lies somewhere between “good column” and “you bastard”.
I’ve had the camera up the bum (more shit on TV) and still find it difficult to believe some people put things there for fun. Also had the camera down the throat, reassuringly in a different building. Had both without anaesthetic, and of the two the large tube down the gullet is definitely the one to be asleep for. Can’t breath through mouth and all the retching (and necessary effort not to retch) eventually means can’t breath through nose either. Thankfully nothing major discovered.
What a fantastic civilisation we have built. The wealth from our technical, industrial and commercial development provides resources for amazing advances in health care (and so much else besides). The leftoids and greenoids want to drive us back to a grim era of poverty where Tim and others like him would have no hope instead of excellent prospects. Just as with Tim’s medical situation, we can apply some humour but let us never forget the seriousness of the fight and what’s at stake. It’s life and death.
Good luck on Monday, Tim. You’re strong, in good hands and in a great country.
“Unable to sleep, I’d write.”
And when you’re well again (next Thursday) we’ll accept no bloody excuses like sleep.
#22: Your calculations are correct, Yojimbo: if Tim’s longevity is inversely related to my knowledge of cricket, then he is, indeed, immortal, and I gladly waive, forthwith and in perpetuity, the opportunity to acquire expertise in this sport (which, er, I pretty much have, anyway, but it’s so much more rewarding to add a little charitable gloss to a want of initiative that might otherwise be attributed to indolence – or worse). And I’ll go you one step better in providing some quantitative context that should put the concept within easy reach of even the mathematically-challenged: there is a greater chance that the proverbial chimpanzee locked in a room with a typewriter will pound out an error free, syntactically correct version of the Collected Works of Samuel Johnson, than that I shall ever be able to discuss with passing competence the most fundamental elements of cricket.
Rest easy, Tim.
“Keep your spirits up, your attitude aggressive and positive. We live in an age of miracles, and researchers are finding new treatments every day.
“At any rate, I’m one of many thinking of and praying for you. If you need to bounce things off a fellow cancer patient, don’t be shy. But in any event, fight – and enjoy every moment!”
The sender was Tony Snow.
Excellent, funny and biting column, Tim.
I hope copies of the above note, have been taped to damn near everything in your home.
So that you must see this note, every moment of everday.
For if you read this note every moment of everyday, we, that are here with and for you, will see another column, with this same note.
The exception being, it was sent to whomever needed it, announcing….
The sender was Tim Blair.
There’s always a cause. Sounds like something you couldn’t pick up on a scan, like oesophageal spasm or coronary artery spasm. I know that chances are high your doctors have already tried remedies for these, but on the off-chance they haven’t, might be worth trialling a nitrate patch or acid pump inhibitor for a few weeks. The monitoring harness should have picked up the coronary spasm, but it’s a notoriously difficult condition to diagnose and a short trial of nitrates is unlikely to cause you more than a headache. With oesophageal spasm there’s usually a history of heartburn, but again, you might be atypical; in fact, I’m sure you are 😉 Best of luck, anyways.
And best of luck to you, too, Tim, on Monday. Take the analgesics before the pain builds up – they work much better that way. And remember, that physio getting you up and about is really your best friend, not the sadistic, pain-inflicting, post-operative nemesis you think s/he is.
Nadia, mmmm?
I had the bum-cam done to me last month.
Repeating Room 237 above, I lost my dad to colon cancer and so was put on the fast track. I noticed a (small) amount of blood one fine day and so made the appointment.
I have to agree, the night before was much worse than the actual procedure. On the plus side I was first in line at the hospital. They took me in at 7:30am and was home by 10:00am. All in all it wasn’t that unpleasant because, also as noted above, the drugs were really good. The nurse hit me with the happy juice, I watched some really gross tv for about ten minutes, and then spent the rest of the morning in a very happy, if extremely poor-short-term-memory-ish, haze.
They removed two (benign) polyps and scheduled me for a return in 2010.
Glad they caught yours early. I’ll be thinking of you.
I had a friend who ignored all the signs, too. He’s gone now, couldn’t handle the chemo. Left a wife, two kids and a mortgage. Let that be a lesson.
Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2008 01 18 at 05:18 PM • permalink
Great column Tim. Best of luck for Monday. Although I have a bit of a feeling you won’t need luck: after the response to the post the other day, I think God has been less prayed to recently than nagged into submission. He’s probably preparing to send St Raphael to do the operation personally jut so He can get a bit of peace and quiet.
Posted by Renegade Lawyer on 2008 01 18 at 05:19 PM • permalink
- #34
And afterwards, aren’t those dry, shrivelled up sandwiches and the cold cuppa the best food you’ve ever eaten?(I was scheduled for my first bum-cam at about 9am. Due to an emergency I wasn’t done until after 4pm. Needless to say, I WAS STARVING!)(My aunt was 44 when she had surgery for bowel cancer. In 1988, and she’s still going strong now.)
Took one look at the Follett art and thought it was Clark Kent doing Superman duty on a very unfortunate Mxyzptlk. Get it framed, Tim, and hang it over the hospital bed.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 01 18 at 05:31 PM • permalink
- Tim, I often see this strange mark used by people on your site 😉
I now realise it means “a semi colon up the bracket”.
You’ll be right.Posted by ooh honey honey on 2008 01 18 at 06:47 PM • permalink
- Had the finger up the clacker test before, but somehow dont think that compares to a couple of foot of semi-rigid stainless steel pipe.
In the words of the immortal corpral Jones “They dont like it up ‘em”.
My poor missus had a bowel disorder when she was a teenager that left her looking about 4 months pregnant, as she likes to tell me she was just full of shit when she was younger…Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 01 18 at 06:56 PM • permalink
The Onion’s new atlas feature explains the mysteries of Australia.
Posted by Rittenhouse on 2008 01 18 at 07:03 PM • permalink
Lessee here… Monday morning is what, Sunday night here abouts in NJ?
We’ll be beaming all our thoughts your way!
Kick its ass, my friend.
Kick its ass.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2008 01 18 at 07:20 PM • permalink
- Tim, you are to be commended for being so frank here on the blog and in your column.
Read what he’s saying everyone, (especially the macho males) — it may save your life.
After some early warning signs, I have had routine colonoscopies from my early 60s into my 70s. Benign polyps (precursors to cancer) have been removed during every procedure. The bum-doctor has convinced me that this alone means it’s worth coming back to him on a regular basis.
It’s no big deal. As Paco, Kae and others have said, the worst part of it is the two-day clean-out before the procedure. The anaesthetics these days have no nasty side effects and can be quite euphoric (Valium based?).
The sigmoidoscope is another matter entirely.
During my first one, the bum doctor said over my shoulder, “I see that you are going to need a few more of these before you start to enjoy them”.
My reply: “What worries me, Doctor, is that you seem to be enjoying them already.”
One of lifes mysteries, at what stage in their career does a doctor sit down and think, “Id like to specalise in arseholes”?
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 01 18 at 07:25 PM • permalink
BTW, I got a polaroid happy-snap of a polyp about ten years ago. Thinking of url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trevor_Barker]Trevor Barker[/url] I went and got an exam once I turned 40. All the staff kept asking “how come you’re getting it done?”. Huh? Aren’t we supposed to do this when we turn 40? Shrugs all around. I’m glad I got it done – who knows what that polyp mght have turned into.
- #53 TFM I’ve often pondered that same question. As guest speaker at a Rotary dinner, my bum doctor defined a colonoscope as “an optical device with an arsehole at each end.”
For a possible explanation for why bum doctors want to “work where the sun don’t shine”, see Colo-rectal surgeon ditty (4.1 Mb wmv file).
Again all the best. Like the Snow job mention.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 01 18 at 08:06 PM • permalink
I am amazed that Blair was able to produce and maintain such an impressive column at this point in time. Well done.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 01 18 at 08:12 PM • permalink
Since we have touched on the subject of aging and its maladies, I thought this graph would be pertinent; it certainly captures how I increasingly spend my time.
Great column, Tim. Best of Luck.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 01 18 at 08:39 PM • permalink
You’ve got real friends.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 01 18 at 08:44 PM • permalink
- *trixi (dressed modestly) walks up to the gates of heaven and has a word with st. peter. >ahem< hey pete.. we need a big favour.. a bit more attention down under please.. he is the best boss in the world and quite frankly there are thousands out there praying and pulling and whatever they do to send positive thoughts. its not his time yet, you know*
tim, as these posts show, you are one in a million. and we need you
the big C doesnt have a chance against all of us
God bless you and nadia
God is going to be awfully busy on Monday
Knock that bastard on the head, Tim!
If humour is good for you, here’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks. May it lighten your burden.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2008 01 18 at 09:03 PM • permalink
Damn, my post from this morning didn’t take.
Great column, Tim, but where did you get Bruce Campbell’s chin?
Oh, and you want hits? re: Monday, think: streaming video… let’s see WebDiary match that.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 01 18 at 09:23 PM • permalink
Great column. Best of luck Tim.
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2008 01 18 at 09:30 PM • permalink
Speaking of sharing organs, the Garvan Institute is now in possession of my prostate. I hope it doesn’t try to murder them as well.
All the best for Monday. (I reckon the highlight is waking up after surgery, realising you’re still there, and not only that but you’ve got a buzz that’d be illegal anywhere else.)
Great column, and here’s to your future good health!
After your slice and dice on Monday, you ought to keep the bits, divide them up and send them to your arch enemies. Dunlop, Phatty, Media Watch et al.
Tell them it’s a brand new, you beaut, type of elastic to hold their socks up.
Then, they could honestly say that they’ve had your guts for garters.
Hey…..any chance they can put a webcam in the operating room?
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 01 18 at 09:57 PM • permalink
Others here have given details (!) about That Procedure I’d Happily Give Up, Thanks Dad! so I won’t need to repeat them. Personally, I really disliked the AFTER feeling. I described it to My Chief as drug-induced Alzheimer’s. Short-term memory was shot right to hell. For TWO DAYS! He got kinda pissy when I asked the same question 5 times in less than 20 minutes. Thankfully, 4 polyps the first time, only one the last time, not due again for 2 more years. YAY!
I’ve had a mad crush on Tony Snow for years. Thought I saw him in D.C. once. Made my year. He’s what my grandma would’ve called Good People.”
Terrific column, Tim. Thanks.
Good luck Monday, Tim. All your friends are
cheeringtilting for you.
Hey people, I’m pretty sure Dave S is that guy who wrote a Comment of the Year. Don’t encourage him.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 01 18 at 11:25 PM • permalink
Wishing you a swift recovery Tim. My day wouldn’t be the same without reading this blog. A good thing the foes of freedom don’t have the same wit as Evelyn Waugh, who, upon hearing that doctors had removed a tumour such as yours from Randolph Churchill, remarked:
“It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.”
Posted by Alan Dungey on 2008 01 18 at 11:39 PM • permalink
- Tim
May all the prayers and wishes of Blairsville and the wider blogosphere lift you up, carry you over this “inconvenient truth”, and deliver you safely back to the fold ofVRWCfamily and friends, the masses of which only DeMille could have envisioned before now. By next Friday.OH! OKaaay, then. Maybe the one after that.
#30 ” – a want of initiative that might otherwise be attributed to indolence ..”
Attribute it to somnolence! No blame attached there.
Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:00 AM • permalink
- #91 both my father and one of my uncles were saved from a huge amount of medical nastiness and death by their wives’ “nagging”.
It’s only in cases like these that that kind of verbal persisitence is warranted, mind you.Both had had blood in their stools and it took their wives to convince them to get it checked! I assume blood loss makes you less than alert.Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:09 AM • permalink
- Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:10 AM • permalink
OK, it’s not only blood loss that makes you less than alert, clearly. Sorry for repeat post, sort of.
Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:11 AM • permalink
Most men have doctorphobia.
Not so much doctorphobia as being-treated-with-a-complete-lack-of-respect-o-phobia. But cripes, when I accompanied my wife to her lumpectomy, they treated her like it was freakin’ Club Med. They cooed her and soothed her and kissed her ass six ways from Sunday. No wonder you gals have no problems with it. She got a concerned “Now this may hurt a little” every time a needle was within thirty feet of her, but I don’t remember getting so much as a “by-your-leave” before having a bristled swab shoved up my urethra.
It’s like dating – if you treat me nice, then I’ll be looser to take it up the back door.
On second thought, let me think of a better analogy…
- #111
I didn’t say it was without grounds, did I?Women have much less fear of doctor inspections as they, fortunately, are pre-equipped with a, er, manhole, so to speak. That and I hear having babies removes any modesty remaining after conception.I’ve met women with doctorphobia, but usually it’s a diseasephobia – “If I don’t know, I can’t have it” – I think that’s the man thing, too. Ignore it, don’t want to be a wimp. (And what the HELL are you going to do with THAT?!?!?!)
As the Minister for Plastic Bags and Interpretive Dance is moving to ban plastic bags, and from a comment (by IT) in a previous thread regarding autoerotic asphyxiation, and one elsewhere pointing out that green bags are a useless substitute for plastic bags, how are they going to adapt green bags for ostomies?
Just askin’.
I hear that a poultice made of whale testes helps after a colonoscopy.
Posted by mr creosote on 2008 01 19 at 07:16 AM • permalink
This may or may not speed your recovery, but it might at least give you a laugh during the recovery period…
South of No North, by Charles Bukowski. A collection of short stories including ALL THE ASSHOLES IN THE WORLD AND MINE, in which Bukowski describes a certain medical procedure…
NB: ALL THE ASSHOLES was originally published alone by a long-defunct press. There are three copies available of the first edition available on Amazon for about US$600. Literature – boy, some of that shit’s really expensive.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 01 19 at 09:24 AM • permalink
Alternatively, eat lamb for a week.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 01 19 at 09:38 AM • permalink
- Skeeter #63
1. Lyrics,2. Live-action.Cheers
Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2008 01 19 at 09:10 PM • permalink
Great cartoon. But why is Tim beating up on Dennis Kucinich?