Journalist makes excuses

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Last updated on July 2nd, 2017 at 09:17 am

This week’s column deals with an unavoidable subject. Illustration by Dave Follett.

UPDATE. The world’s funniest cancer column! Well, it’s not exactly a crowded field.

Posted by Tim B. on 01/18/2008 at 01:17 PM
    1. Great cartoon. But why is Tim beating up on Dennis Kucinich?

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 01:23 PM • permalink


    1. Incidentally, I’m now on prescription painkillers so effective I can watch An Inconvenient Truth without flinching.

      Whoa! They’re giving you near-lethal doses of Tetrodotoxin (reputedly a “zombie” drug)? Easy does it, Tim. And good luck next week!

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 01:35 PM • permalink


    1. Welcome to the life of the aging male.  If my personal experiences with sigmoidoscopy are any indication, I won’t become a practitioner of gay sex anytime soon.  If you didn’t like sigmoidoscopy, you probably won’t like cystoscopy either, unless the sensation of broken glass in your urethra feels good to you.

      Things could be worse.  Fight on and get well.

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2008 01 18 at 01:36 PM • permalink


    1. I had a colonoscopy a few years ago, and I’ll tell you this: the juice they gave me to put me to sleep was some good stuff. No side effects, and I felt great after coming out from under.

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 01:40 PM • permalink


    1. The shocking stuff is only supposed to happen to other people who later end up dramatized in bad made for TV dramas.  Thankfully, you have a lot of great news.  My grandfather had the same surgery in his late 40’s and enjoyed his shots of whiskey and pipe ‘til old age took him at 94.

      You remain in our prayers.

      Posted by fresca on 2008 01 18 at 01:48 PM • permalink


    1. #4 paco:

      I recall babbling through the procedure, to the great amusement of the doc.  A few of the confessions he elicited from me were better not told.  My MD brother later told me “there’s a reason they call it truth serum.”

      Posted by fresca on 2008 01 18 at 01:52 PM • permalink


    1. #4, Yeah, just remembered a two year overdue colonoscopy referral lays hidden somewhere. After the last experience when I awoke mid-procedure in some pain to hear the practitioner declare, “Um, it must be broken, nurse, get another (thingeee),” I resolved never to revisit the prick again. Oh well, thanks for the reminder Paco.

      God bless you, Nadia, and best wishes for Monday, Tim.

      Posted by JAFA on 2008 01 18 at 01:52 PM • permalink


    1. As a 50 year old male I have resigned myself to a life of pain and not just the annoying little aches that come with aging joints, but, the occurance several times each day of feeling that I am being stabbed repeatedly throught my spine through to my sternum.

      Been to the specialists, been MRI’ed and cat/pet scanned until the cows come home, still no diagnosis, wore a monitoring harness for a couple of weeks.

      I have eschewed pain medication, not because of some false macho premise of manliness equaling pain tolerance, but, because of the long term consequences from their use.

      My pain tolerence has become such that I believe that I could lose a limb, or at least several digits without much concern.

      But life is good, I still breath, I still enjoy every sandwich.

      Speaking of which, there is a two inch thick Ruben just calling my name at the moment.

      Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2008 01 18 at 01:52 PM • permalink


    1. oh tim, i laughed in the middle and cried at the end
      thank youi love fridays.. early leaving hours at work, drinking copious amounts of wine, and tim’s new column

      Posted by missred on 2008 01 18 at 01:53 PM • permalink


    1. Great storytelling, Tim. Thank you for the update.

      Rittenhouseketeers are on alert for you.

      Posted by Rittenhouse on 2008 01 18 at 02:02 PM • permalink


    1. Great article, once again….Good Luck Tim!!

      Posted by Old Tanker on 2008 01 18 at 02:12 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck Tim.

      I certainly hope Tony Snow didn’t bother reading the comments.  In case he does, I better start discussing loftier subjects.  Like, um, Renaissance art.  And shit like that.

      Posted by wronwright on 2008 01 18 at 02:19 PM • permalink


    1. Excellent column, Tim!  Yeah, hitting 40 sucks…..but 50 sucks even more.  I still work out and exercise, but the cost of doing so is a bit more than it was when I was 30.  But aging is part of life, and one must simply accept this, and enjoy it.

      No side effects, and I felt great after coming out from under.

      Same here, paco, except I upchucked the cup of coffee the clinc gave me when I woke up.

      Oh, and my older brother got his *first* colonoscopy when I did.  When I suggested exchanging copies of the resulting photos, he was less than enthusiastic about that, for some odd reason.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 01 18 at 02:27 PM • permalink


    1. Now you understand, Tim, what women go through on a yearly basis from their early twenties until well past menopause.  I’ve undergone the sigmo and a colonoscopy, and I won’t even go into what they do to you when you have heart issues.

      We’ll be thinking of you on Monday here at Casa H, and probably bothering God again a time or two.  Feel better!

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2008 01 18 at 02:37 PM • permalink


    1. Somewhere between growing up and growing old, we all have to deal with that balancing act between hypochondria and denial.

      It is good you have some veterans of this type of fight to watch over you and talk you through the rough patches.

      Just remember, the fear you feel is normal and rational.

      Still praying for you, Mr. Tim. And you too, Killaette.

      God Bless you too, Mr. Snow. And everyone else dealing with trails and tribulations, minor or extreme.

      Posted by Grimmy on 2008 01 18 at 02:39 PM • permalink


    1. Because colon cancer is what did in my Dad, I had to go for a colonoscopy at 37.  The doctors asked if I wanted to be awake during the proceedure so I could watch on the screen.  I gave him a look that answered his question.

      The worst part of it was that stuff I had to drink the night before.  They flavored it and still it was horrible.  I basically sat on the toilet from 6 to 11 PM.

      In any event Tim, we are all pulling for you.  Good to hear it was caught early.  We all expect you to be back to annoying international head tilters quickly.

      Posted by Room 237 on 2008 01 18 at 02:50 PM • permalink


    1. My mother (who had surgery and chemo for Stage II colon cancer almost ten years ago) informs me that the surgery isn’t bad, but waiting for your tummy to heal up is distinctly non-fun.  And that you should definitely opt for colonoscopies (unconscious) over sigmoidoscopies (not-unconscious).

      btw, she’s 81 now, cancer-free and still going strong.

      Posted by Achillea on 2008 01 18 at 02:55 PM • permalink


    1. Best of lucky with the operation and we look forward to Tim, our Tim, firing on all twelve cylinders after suitable recovery time.  They say Guiness helps you heal, please let me know if VB has the same effect.  If not maybe Tooheys?  4X?  A bit of each?

      The cartoon had a nice conservative message.  This is Tim…Tim has cancer…This is Tim dealing with his cancer by smashing its ugly face…This is Tim getting on with things.  It’s a personal responsibility parable!

      If [insert lefty columnist here] got this ill it would defy the imagination and skill of any illustrator.  How do you draw: pleas for more government funding for research and hospices;  Self-loathing; the   responsibility corporations must take for pollution, food additives and climate change;  The education system for not teaching people more cancer awareness; the health care system for not being able to see this earlier and the government cuts that are to blame; and scientists who research ways to make our burgers better but not improve medical dianostic tools which are cold and cruel just like their capitalist hearts; more government funding and finally a call that twice yearly mandatory colon scans be required for evey male over 30 since you can’t be too safe; and think of the children.

      Posted by matt123 on 2008 01 18 at 02:59 PM • permalink


    1. Best wishes for Monday and a speedy recovery. Fight on.

      Posted by lil varmint on 2008 01 18 at 03:01 PM • permalink


    1. Since I’m 50 now i had my colonoscopy. They needed two days to flush me out. Turns out I have this extra large colon. You could park cars there.
      Go ahead – make your own joke. I’ve heard them all.
      Anyway, colonoscopy not so bad.
      Checking the prostate was awful. The doctor kind of punched it with his finger. My knees buckled.That’s enough True Confessions for today.
      All the best, Tim.

      Posted by Merlin on 2008 01 18 at 03:10 PM • permalink


    1. The worst part of colonoscopy is the day before and the morning before the procedure. When I came out from under the anesthesia, I had the strangest feeling that they stuck daisies in me and took pictures… may need to do a Google image search…
      Anyhow, good luck Monday Tim, there are hundreds of deranged right-wing conspiracists pulling for you. Fight on, you magnificent bastard.

      Posted by Latino on 2008 01 18 at 03:42 PM • permalink


    1. I don’t worry about Tim.  Nothing can happen to him until either of the following happens.

      Collingwood becomes “Australia’s Team”
      Paco becomes a cricket expert.

      Based upon my back of the envelope calculations that makes him immortal.

      /The prayer button in the yojimbo household is in the “on” position.

      Posted by yojimbo on 2008 01 18 at 03:49 PM • permalink


    1. Interesting posts, guys. I don’t feel so lone-ily-decrepit.


      The worst part of it was that stuff I had to drink the night before.  They flavored it and still it was horrible.  I basically sat on the toilet from 6 to 11 PM.

      Drano. I called it Drano. The label called it something else, starting with a G. That’s it! Glyco-prep, probably made out of left-over radiator water, with coolant.

      I’ve since discovered Pico Prep which is only two glasses of icky bathwater. It’s got its drawbacks, but it’s much easier than downing three litres of bathwater, two the day before, the faster the better, and one the next morning on rising (Oh Joy!).

      I wanted to watch the last one, but he said if it hurt they’d have to put me under and I’d probably forget watching. I decided it wasn’t worth it.

      I don’t understand why these greenies can’t take the bowel polyps and build a bloody new Barrier Reef with them.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 04:06 PM • permalink


    1. Bugger. I submitted that before saying:

      Best wishes for an uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery to you Tim.
      You and your friends and family will be very much in my thoughts next week.
      Can you tell us which day so that we can be extra thoughtful?

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 04:11 PM • permalink


    1. A truly great article.

      Best of luck on Monday.

      Posted by kpom on 2008 01 18 at 04:12 PM • permalink


    1. Monday. I did read the article, I guess that bit didn’t stick.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 04:14 PM • permalink


    1. Oh bloody hell. About 6 months ago I found some blood when I looked down after going to the little boys room. It happened once or twice. I also have pain, very rarely but intense momentary. I went to the doc and he told me it was time for the bum cam. I know about the cordial-from-hell and putting the TV infront of the toilet all the night before from my father who has never had cancer but usually has one or two polyps removed. I have been busy but not that busy. Im only 36. I really really really dont want to be there when they assault the “citadel of my integrity”. I guess I cant lie to myself anymore. It is time to face this. I cant imagine what Tim is facing. Anyone know where Tim will be recovering?

      Posted by lingus4 on 2008 01 18 at 04:18 PM • permalink


    1. Hint: prior to bumcam get some rectinol ointment and apply it externally before and after every time the cordial works. Saves a lot of unnecessary pain.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 04:21 PM • permalink


    1. The column really paints an appropriately serious picture (without wallowing, of course). “It’s cancer” from the other day made my blood run cold and my blood just ran cold again – and it had warning this time. Response lies somewhere between “good column” and “you bastard”.

      I’ve had the camera up the bum (more shit on TV) and still find it difficult to believe some people put things there for fun. Also had the camera down the throat, reassuringly in a different building. Had both without anaesthetic, and of the two the large tube down the gullet is definitely the one to be asleep for. Can’t breath through mouth and all the retching (and necessary effort not to retch) eventually means can’t breath through nose either. Thankfully nothing major discovered.

      What a fantastic civilisation we have built. The wealth from our technical, industrial and commercial development provides resources for amazing advances in health care (and so much else besides). The leftoids and greenoids want to drive us back to a grim era of poverty where Tim and others like him would have no hope instead of excellent prospects. Just as with Tim’s medical situation, we can apply some humour but let us never forget the seriousness of the fight and what’s at stake. It’s life and death.

      Good luck on Monday, Tim. You’re strong, in good hands and in a great country.

      “Unable to sleep, I’d write.”

      And when you’re well again (next Thursday) we’ll accept no bloody excuses like sleep.

      Posted by PJF-UK on 2008 01 18 at 04:23 PM • permalink


    1. #22: Your calculations are correct, Yojimbo: if Tim’s longevity is inversely related to my knowledge of cricket, then he is, indeed, immortal, and I gladly waive, forthwith and in perpetuity, the opportunity to acquire expertise in this sport (which, er, I pretty much have, anyway, but it’s so much more rewarding to add a little charitable gloss to a want of initiative that might otherwise be attributed to indolence – or worse). And I’ll go you one step better in providing some quantitative context that should put the concept within easy reach of even the mathematically-challenged: there is a greater chance that the proverbial chimpanzee locked in a room with a typewriter will pound out an error free, syntactically correct version of the Collected Works of Samuel Johnson, than that I shall ever be able to discuss with passing competence the most fundamental elements of cricket.

      Rest easy, Tim.

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 04:46 PM • permalink


    1. #30

      I’ll see your Johnson and raise you a yojimbo.  I’m the guy who typed “wan’t” yesterday.  Can’t get much ummm, better than that!

      Posted by yojimbo on 2008 01 18 at 04:57 PM • permalink


    1. “Keep your spirits up, your attitude aggressive and positive. We live in an age of miracles, and researchers are finding new treatments every day.

      “At any rate, I’m one of many thinking of and praying for you. If you need to bounce things off a fellow cancer patient, don’t be shy. But in any event, fight – and enjoy every moment!”

      The sender was Tony Snow.

      Excellent, funny and biting column, Tim.

      I hope copies of the above note, have been taped to damn near everything in your home.

      So that you must see this note, every moment of everday.

      For if you read this note every moment of everyday, we, that are here with and for you, will see another column, with this same note.

      The exception being, it was sent to whomever needed it, announcing….

      The sender was Tim Blair.

      Posted by El Cid on 2008 01 18 at 05:05 PM • permalink


    1. #8 joe

      There’s always a cause. Sounds like something you couldn’t pick up on a scan, like oesophageal spasm or coronary artery spasm. I know that chances are high your doctors have already tried remedies for these, but on the off-chance they haven’t, might be worth trialling a nitrate patch or acid pump inhibitor for a few weeks. The monitoring harness should have picked up the coronary spasm, but it’s a notoriously difficult condition to diagnose and a short trial of nitrates is unlikely to cause you more than a headache. With oesophageal spasm there’s usually a history of heartburn, but again, you might be atypical; in fact, I’m sure you are 😉 Best of luck, anyways.

      And best of luck to you, too, Tim, on Monday. Take the analgesics before the pain builds up – they work much better that way. And remember, that physio getting you up and about is really your best friend, not the sadistic, pain-inflicting, post-operative nemesis you think s/he is.

      Nadia, mmmm?

      Posted by Dminor on 2008 01 18 at 05:11 PM • permalink


    1. I had the bum-cam done to me last month.

      Repeating Room 237 above, I lost my dad to colon cancer and so was put on the fast track.  I noticed a (small) amount of blood one fine day and so made the appointment.

      I have to agree, the night before was much worse than the actual procedure.  On the plus side I was first in line at the hospital.  They took me in at 7:30am and was home by 10:00am.  All in all it wasn’t that unpleasant because, also as noted above, the drugs were really good.  The nurse hit me with the happy juice, I watched some really gross tv for about ten minutes, and then spent the rest of the morning in a very happy, if extremely poor-short-term-memory-ish, haze.

      They removed two (benign) polyps and scheduled me for a return in 2010.

      Glad they caught yours early.  I’ll be thinking of you.

      Posted by fclark on 2008 01 18 at 05:14 PM • permalink


    1. I had a friend who ignored all the signs, too. He’s gone now, couldn’t handle the chemo. Left a wife, two kids and a mortgage. Let that be a lesson.

      Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2008 01 18 at 05:18 PM • permalink


    1. Great column Tim.  Best of luck for Monday.  Although I have a bit of a feeling you won’t need luck: after the response to the post the other day, I think God has been less prayed to recently than nagged into submission.  He’s probably preparing to send St Raphael to do the operation personally jut so He can get a bit of peace and quiet.

      Posted by Renegade Lawyer on 2008 01 18 at 05:19 PM • permalink


    1. Have you already had your card from Hillary and Bill saying “We feel your pain.’? I hope not.  They don’t.
      But all your real friends here are pulling for you.

      Posted by Barrie on 2008 01 18 at 05:21 PM • permalink


    1. #34
      And afterwards, aren’t those dry, shrivelled up sandwiches and the cold cuppa the best food you’ve ever eaten?(I was scheduled for my first bum-cam at about 9am. Due to an emergency I wasn’t done until after 4pm. Needless to say, I WAS STARVING!)

      (My aunt was 44 when she had surgery for bowel cancer. In 1988, and she’s still going strong now.)

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 05:21 PM • permalink


    1. Took one look at the Follett art and thought it was Clark Kent doing Superman duty on a very unfortunate Mxyzptlk. Get it framed, Tim, and hang it over the hospital bed.

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 01 18 at 05:31 PM • permalink


    1. You and your whole family are in our prayers, Tim.

      Since Tim’s original post, I’ve simply been unable to post a comment. I’d say I was completely gutted but then I read what Tim was about to undergo and realised I couldn’t compete.

      Boom tish.

      Posted by Dan Lewis on 2008 01 18 at 05:32 PM • permalink


    1. #36: I think God has been less prayed to recently than nagged into submission.

      That reminds me of an amusing scene in the movie, Life With Father. William Powell’s (basically) agnostic character is praying because his wife is seriously ill: “Help her, I tell you! Have mercy, I say!”

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 05:36 PM • permalink


    1. #40 Dan, don’t you mean:


      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 05:38 PM • permalink


    1. It’s definitely going to be a gut-wrenching experience. 😉

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 01 18 at 05:46 PM • permalink


    1. Ah, the rigid sigmoidoscopy.
      Who needs waterboarding when there’s that unholy trinity of bike pump, desk lamp and telescope.
      Be lucky.

      Posted by lotocoti on 2008 01 18 at 05:51 PM • permalink


    1. O/T

      Ipswich Bogan Burrs at Bogan Label… remember this?

      Well some Bogans are still banging on about it, here.

      I think they should grow a sense of humour and get over it. (I can’t find a link to the QT on line, bogans haven’t got it sorted out yet…)

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 06:08 PM • permalink


    1. Something of an irony. If Tim Blair’s body could be seen as a metaphor for Australian society, then the tumour was located in exactly the same place as Phillip Adams.

      Posted by Contrail on 2008 01 18 at 06:44 PM • permalink


    1. Tim, I often see this strange mark used by people on your site 😉
      I now realise it means “a semi colon up the bracket”.
      You’ll be right.

      Posted by ooh honey honey on 2008 01 18 at 06:47 PM • permalink


    1. Had the finger up the clacker test before, but somehow dont think that compares to a couple of foot of semi-rigid stainless steel pipe.
      In the words of the immortal corpral Jones “They dont like it up ‘em”.
      My poor missus had a bowel disorder when she was a teenager that left her looking about 4 months pregnant, as she likes to tell me she was just full of shit when she was younger…

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 01 18 at 06:56 PM • permalink


    1. OT but worth a moment:

      The Onion’s new atlas feature explains the mysteries of Australia.

      Posted by Rittenhouse on 2008 01 18 at 07:03 PM • permalink


    1. Lessee here… Monday morning is what, Sunday night here abouts in NJ?

      We’ll be beaming all our thoughts your way!

      Kick its ass, my friend.

      Kick its ass.

      Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2008 01 18 at 07:20 PM • permalink


    1. Tim, you are to be commended for being so frank here on the blog and in your column.
      Read what he’s saying everyone, (especially the macho males) — it may save your life.
      After some early warning signs, I have had routine colonoscopies from my early 60s into my 70s. Benign polyps (precursors to cancer) have been removed during every procedure. The bum-doctor has convinced me that this alone means it’s worth coming back to him on a regular basis.
      It’s no big deal. As Paco, Kae and others have said, the worst part of it is the two-day clean-out before the procedure. The anaesthetics these days have no nasty side effects and can be quite euphoric (Valium based?).
      The sigmoidoscope is another matter entirely.
      During my first one, the bum doctor said over my shoulder, “I see that you are going to need a few more of these before you start to enjoy them”.
      My reply: “What worries me, Doctor, is that you seem to be enjoying them already.”

      Posted by Skeeter on 2008 01 18 at 07:23 PM • permalink


    1. Do they record sigmoidoscope scans? If they do, when eventually I have to go through that crap I’d want a copy for my personal enjoyment.

      Posted by chrisbg99 on 2008 01 18 at 07:24 PM • permalink


    1. One of lifes mysteries, at what stage in their career does a doctor sit down and think, “Id like to specalise in arseholes”?

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 01 18 at 07:25 PM • permalink


    1. I’m here to tell you – they aren’t so bad. The trick is to focus on something distracting while the procedure is under way.

      My trick is to scream out “I’ll tell you nothing you nazi bastards!”.

      Posted by Craig Mc on 2008 01 18 at 07:28 PM • permalink


    1. #52
      Not the best Cable TV.Just more crap.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 07:29 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck with the op on Monday Tim, and a speedy recovery.  Here’s to a ward full of naughty nurses sponge-bathing you daily.  Where can we send cheer-up presents?

      Posted by Craig Mc on 2008 01 18 at 07:31 PM • permalink


    1. #54
      I don’t remember anything from my bum-cam experiences. After I climbed up on the table and lay on my side. Nothing.That’s probably a good thing.

      Sometimes I don’t even remember the bum-doctor’s debrief after the procedure.

      That’s probably not such a good thing.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 07:31 PM • permalink


    1. Irrepressible, Invincible

      Tim Blair
      Daily Telegraph
      2 Holt Street
      Surry Hills NSW   2010

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 07:33 PM • permalink


    1. I hope the Tele allocates you a mailbag of your own.
      You may need it!

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 07:34 PM • permalink


    1. A positive attitude is the best medicine, take all the other medications that seem to crawl out of the woodwork as the years roll on.  Most of all enjoy life, and treat stress with contempt.

      Posted by Howzat on 2008 01 18 at 07:36 PM • permalink


    1. BTW, I got a polaroid happy-snap of a polyp about ten years ago.  Thinking of url=]Trevor Barker[/url] I went and got an exam once I turned 40.  All the staff kept asking “how come you’re getting it done?”.  Huh?  Aren’t we supposed to do this when we turn 40?  Shrugs all around.  I’m glad I got it done – who knows what that polyp mght have turned into.

      Posted by Craig Mc on 2008 01 18 at 07:39 PM • permalink


    1. Curse you square bracket!

      Posted by Craig Mc on 2008 01 18 at 07:40 PM • permalink


    1. #53 TFM I’ve often pondered that same question. As guest speaker at a Rotary dinner, my bum doctor defined a colonoscope as “an optical device with an arsehole at each end.”
      For a possible explanation for why bum doctors want to “work where the sun don’t shine”, see Colo-rectal surgeon ditty (4.1 Mb wmv file).

      Posted by Skeeter on 2008 01 18 at 07:43 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck mate. I will be thinking of you on Monday.

      Posted by Nic on 2008 01 18 at 07:44 PM • permalink


    1. One of lifes mysteries, at what stage in their career does a doctor sit down and think, “I’d like to specalise in arseholes”?

      What they’re reading at the time is probably an influence.

      Blair, you should be heritage-listed.

      Good luck on Monday.

      Posted by C.L. on 2008 01 18 at 07:57 PM • permalink


    1. #65: HAW!

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 08:02 PM • permalink


    1. Again all the best. Like the Snow job mention.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 01 18 at 08:06 PM • permalink


    1. All the best Tim.


      Posted by Wand on 2008 01 18 at 08:10 PM • permalink


    1. I am amazed that Blair was able to produce and maintain such an impressive column at this point in time. Well done.

      Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 01 18 at 08:12 PM • permalink


    1. Since we have touched on the subject of aging and its maladies, I thought this graph would be pertinent; it certainly captures how I increasingly spend my time.

      Posted by paco on 2008 01 18 at 08:15 PM • permalink


    1. Best wishes for Monday Tim I will be thinking of you along with many others.

      Be nice to the anethsitist the drugs are good.

      Posted by Killaette on 2008 01 18 at 08:29 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck on Monday Tim.  xxxx

      Posted by Cashew on 2008 01 18 at 08:30 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck Killa.

      Posted by Cashew on 2008 01 18 at 08:31 PM • permalink


    1. Great column, Tim. Best of Luck.

      Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 01 18 at 08:39 PM • permalink


    1. Tim,
      Good luck and get well soon.

      Posted by daddy dave on 2008 01 18 at 08:44 PM • permalink


    1. great cartoon.

      You’ve got real friends.

      Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 01 18 at 08:44 PM • permalink


    1. Ouch. Nasty.
      Puts me in mind of that evil cross-eyed proctologist,Jack Elam in Canonball Run.

      Who can forget the wicked snap of those rubber gloves and the grinning, cross-eyed malevolence. Pure comedy gold.

      Like I say, ouch.

      Posted by Bonmot on 2008 01 18 at 08:52 PM • permalink


    1. Beware of cross-eyed proctologists Timbo.
      Looking forward to next Saturday’s column – and all your columns of 2025.

      Posted by Bonmot on 2008 01 18 at 08:54 PM • permalink


    1. *trixi (dressed modestly) walks up to the gates of heaven and has a word with st. peter. >ahem< hey pete.. we need a big favour.. a bit more attention down under please.. he is the best boss in the world and quite frankly there are thousands out there praying and pulling and whatever they do to send positive thoughts.  its not his time yet, you know*
      tim, as these posts show, you are one in a million.  and we need you
      the big C doesnt have a chance against all of us
      God bless you and nadia
      God is going to be awfully busy on Monday

      Posted by missred on 2008 01 18 at 08:58 PM • permalink


    1. Here it is the incomparable Jack Elam

      Posted by Bonmot on 2008 01 18 at 08:59 PM • permalink


    1. Ooopps….

      Here’s the clip of Jack Elam…..

      Posted by Bonmot on 2008 01 18 at 09:02 PM • permalink


    1. Knock that bastard on the head, Tim!

      If humour is good for you, here’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks. May it lighten your burden.

      Posted by Evil Pundit on 2008 01 18 at 09:03 PM • permalink


    1. Hey Nadia, nice prompting. Good luck on Monday Tim.

      Posted by Penguin on 2008 01 18 at 09:05 PM • permalink


    1. Damn, my post from this morning didn’t take.

      Great column, Tim, but where did you get Bruce Campbell’s chin?

      Oh, and you want hits?  re: Monday, think: streaming video… let’s see WebDiary match that.

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 01 18 at 09:23 PM • permalink


    1. Great column. Best of luck Tim.

      Posted by Art Vandelay on 2008 01 18 at 09:30 PM • permalink


    1. Speaking of sharing organs, the Garvan Institute is now in possession of my prostate. I hope it doesn’t try to murder them as well.

      All the best for Monday. (I reckon the highlight is waking up after surgery, realising you’re still there, and not only that but you’ve got a buzz that’d be illegal anywhere else.)

      Great column, and here’s to your future good health!

      Posted by Henry boy on 2008 01 18 at 09:32 PM • permalink


    1. Hey Tim,

      After your slice and dice on Monday, you ought to keep the bits, divide them up and send them to your arch enemies. Dunlop, Phatty, Media Watch et al.

      Tell them it’s a brand new, you beaut, type of elastic to hold their socks up.

      Then, they could honestly say that they’ve had your guts for garters.

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 01 18 at 09:36 PM • permalink


    1. #87 pogria
      you are absolutely and beautifully evil!

      Posted by missred on 2008 01 18 at 09:41 PM • permalink


    1. When he goes into the surgical suite, the staff will chant “Two go in, one comes out!”

      Posted by Merlin on 2008 01 18 at 09:47 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck Monday, Tim!

      Hey…..any chance they can put a webcam in the operating room?

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 01 18 at 09:57 PM • permalink


    1. Eventually girlfriend Nadia realised I was acting weirder than usual and asked: “Are you sick?”

      She’s a woman, it’s part of the genetic code.
      Some call it nagging.
      Some need it.
      Sometimes it can save your life.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 18 at 10:01 PM • permalink


    1. I’m glad to see you’ve kept your sense of tumour.

      Posted by Dave S. on 2008 01 18 at 10:27 PM • permalink


    1. #92 Dave S,

      I had to change my undies after that. I am SOOOO stealing that.

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 01 18 at 10:31 PM • permalink


    1. Others here have given details (!) about That Procedure I’d Happily Give Up, Thanks Dad! so I won’t need to repeat them. Personally, I really disliked the AFTER feeling. I described it to My Chief as drug-induced Alzheimer’s. Short-term memory was shot right to hell. For TWO DAYS! He got kinda pissy when I asked the same question 5 times in less than 20 minutes. Thankfully, 4 polyps the first time, only one the last time, not due again for 2 more years. YAY!

      I’ve had a mad crush on Tony Snow for years. Thought I saw him in D.C. once. Made my year. He’s what my grandma would’ve called Good People.”

      Terrific column, Tim. Thanks.

      Posted by KC on 2008 01 18 at 10:34 PM • permalink


    1. Mom also says to suggest you lay in a stock of your favorite antihistamine for afterward because (and I quote): sneezing is Bad.

      Posted by Achillea on 2008 01 18 at 11:00 PM • permalink


    1. Ditto to all the good wishes.

      Posted by koko on 2008 01 18 at 11:17 PM • permalink


    1. Good luck Monday, Tim.  All your friends are cheering tilting for you.

      Posted by Carl H on 2008 01 18 at 11:18 PM • permalink


    1. Hey people, I’m pretty sure Dave S is that guy who wrote a Comment of the Year. Don’t encourage him.

      Posted by Margos Maid on 2008 01 18 at 11:25 PM • permalink


    1. Wishing you a swift recovery Tim.  My day wouldn’t be the same without reading this blog.  A good thing the foes of freedom don’t have the same wit as Evelyn Waugh, who, upon hearing that doctors had removed a tumour such as yours from Randolph Churchill, remarked:

      “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.”

      Posted by Alan Dungey on 2008 01 18 at 11:39 PM • permalink


    1. Best of luck, Tim.

      Lesson to us all, both men and women, from Tim’s experience: at the first sign of your body telling you something new and unsettling, make an appointment with a doctor right away.

      Posted by JimC on 2008 01 19 at 01:42 AM • permalink


    1. Tim
      May all the prayers and wishes of Blairsville and the wider blogosphere lift you up, carry you over this “inconvenient truth”, and deliver you safely back to the fold of VRWC family and friends, the masses of which only DeMille could have envisioned before now. By next Friday.OH! OKaaay, then. Maybe the one after that.

      Posted by SandiM on 2008 01 19 at 02:31 AM • permalink


    1. at the first sign of your body telling you something new and unsettling, make an appointment with a doctor right away.

      I tend to just turn off SBS.

      Posted by Dan Lewis on 2008 01 19 at 02:53 AM • permalink


    1. Good to see you haven’t lost your sense of tumor.

      Box on Tim.

      Posted by Skip on 2008 01 19 at 03:55 AM • permalink


    1. #30 ” – a want of initiative that might otherwise be attributed to indolence ..”

      Attribute it to somnolence! No blame attached there.

      Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:00 AM • permalink


    1. #98
      G’day Margos
      That was last year.
      We must pull our socks up!

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 19 at 04:00 AM • permalink


    1. #91 both my father and one of my uncles were saved from a huge amount of medical nastiness and death by their wives’ “nagging”.
      It’s only in cases like these that that kind of verbal persisitence is warranted, mind you.Both had had blood in their stools and it took their wives to convince them to get it checked! I assume blood loss makes you less than alert.

      Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:09 AM • permalink


    1. #91, I meant!

      Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:10 AM • permalink


    1. OK, it’s not only blood loss that makes you less than alert, clearly. Sorry for repeat post, sort of.

      Posted by carpefraise on 2008 01 19 at 04:11 AM • permalink


    1. Stop carping, fraise, we get your drift.

      I don’t as a rule nag, but if it was a health thing I’d make an exception.

      Most men have doctorphobia. Others are hypochondriacs. There doesn’t seem to be a happy medium – unless they or someone they know have already had a health brush with mortality.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 19 at 04:18 AM • permalink


    1. Hey people, I’m pretty sure Dave S is that guy who wrote a Comment of the Year. Don’t encourage him.

      Hey! The residuals are running out.

      Posted by Dave S. on 2008 01 19 at 04:22 AM • permalink


    1. Most men have doctorphobia.

      Not so much doctorphobia as being-treated-with-a-complete-lack-of-respect-o-phobia. But cripes, when I accompanied my wife to her lumpectomy, they treated her like it was freakin’ Club Med. They cooed her and soothed her and kissed her ass six ways from Sunday. No wonder you gals have no problems with it. She got a concerned “Now this may hurt a little” every time a needle was within thirty feet of her, but I don’t remember getting so much as a “by-your-leave” before having a bristled swab shoved up my urethra.

      It’s like dating – if you treat me nice, then I’ll be looser to take it up the back door.

      On second thought, let me think of a better analogy…

      Posted by Dave S. on 2008 01 19 at 04:33 AM • permalink


    1. #111
      I didn’t say it was without grounds, did I?Women have much less fear of doctor inspections as they, fortunately, are pre-equipped with a, er, manhole, so to speak. That and I hear having babies removes any modesty remaining after conception.

      I’ve met women with doctorphobia, but usually it’s a diseasephobia – “If I don’t know, I can’t have it” – I think that’s the man thing, too. Ignore it, don’t want to be a wimp. (And what the HELL are you going to do with THAT?!?!?!)

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 19 at 04:37 AM • permalink


    1. As the Minister for Plastic Bags and Interpretive Dance is moving to ban plastic bags, and from a comment (by IT) in a previous thread regarding autoerotic asphyxiation, and one elsewhere pointing out that green bags are a useless substitute for plastic bags, how are they going to adapt green bags for ostomies?

      Just askin’.

      Posted by kae on 2008 01 19 at 06:19 AM • permalink


    1. I hear that a poultice made of whale testes helps after a colonoscopy.

      Posted by mr creosote on 2008 01 19 at 07:16 AM • permalink


    1. This may or may not speed your recovery, but it might at least give you a laugh during the recovery period…

      South of No North, by Charles Bukowski. A collection of short stories including ALL THE ASSHOLES IN THE WORLD AND MINE, in which Bukowski describes a certain medical procedure…

      NB:  ALL THE ASSHOLES was originally published alone by a long-defunct press. There are three copies available of the first edition available on Amazon for about US$600. Literature – boy, some of that shit’s really expensive.

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 01 19 at 09:24 AM • permalink


    1. Alternatively, eat lamb for a week.

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 01 19 at 09:38 AM • permalink


    1. More best wishes on Monday, Tim.

      I’ll be anxiously looking (along with lots of others) for a ‘it’s done, I’m OK’ update. Will they let you blog from the recover room? 😉

      Tony Snow continues to prove he’s a class act.


      Posted by Retread on 2008 01 19 at 12:15 PM • permalink


  1. Skeeter #63
    1. Lyrics,2. Live-action.


    Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2008 01 19 at 09:10 PM • permalink