It knows

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Last updated on July 12th, 2017 at 10:08 am

Global warming sure is clever. It knows where conservatives live, so it can precisely direct flooding their way. And it has an unerring ability to destroy things we like while increasing the number of things we don’t like. Just look at this global warming hit list:

• Pinot Noir

• Baseball

• Christmas trees

• Fly fishing

• Lobster dinners

• Guacamole

• French fries

• Koalas, polar bears, whales, penguins, frogs and walruses

Wily old global warming doesn’t stop there, though. After demolishing the planet’s booze, food, recreation and official cute animal stocks, it puts these in their place:

• Jellyfish

• Giant squid

• Stray cats

• “A surge of dangerous volcanic eruptions”

• Mold and ragweed

• Mosquitoes, ticks and mice

• Viruses

• Poison ivy

It might seem unlikely that pushing the mercury up a notch or two should result entirely in badness, but that’s how global warming plays. Try it at home; turn on a heater and watch your Miss Universe wife turn into Agatha Swampwart, ugliest chick in the whole leper colony. You’d almost think there’s some kind of design – intelligent design, if you will – behind warming’s ways.

Having taken away our guacamole, global warming’s latest trick is a record delivery of sharks:

A shark expert has warned that Victoria’s “shocking” approach to beach safety could put swimmers at risk as the state faces what could be its worst shark season, due to global warming.

Ric Wilson, from Shark Patrol Victoria … says he believes global warming could be behind an increase in the number of sharks encroaching on the state’s beaches.

There are apparently so many Great Warming Sharks lurking off Victoria that the Age couldn’t single out just one, and had to source an image from South Africa. It’s only a matter of time – possibly the moment will come as the final koala dies – before the giant squid turn up.

(Via Cuckoo)

UPDATE. “Uh, oh,” reports Paco. “The ascendancy of the jellyfish has begun.”

Posted by Tim B. on 12/30/2007 at 09:07 AM
    1. Yes, there will most definitely be more attacks like this due to climate change.

      It’s the cause of everything in nature turning against man. And beast.

      So, therefore, everything is NOT Bush’s (or Howard’s) fault.

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 30 at 09:34 AM • permalink


    1. My brother’s girlfriend told me that fruit bats were in danger of extinction due to global warming. I looked up some NPWS info and found that “fruit bats facing extinction due to global warming” can also be phrased: “fruit bat numbers down locally due to drought induced population redistribution”.

      Wily global warming must be stopped, before the entire English language has been subverted to its cause!!

      Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 12 30 at 09:49 AM • permalink


    1. #2

      Too Late!” she cried, as she waved her wooden leg.

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 30 at 09:56 AM • permalink


    1. #3 Does global warming cause wooden legs?

      Posted by Burbank on 2007 12 30 at 09:59 AM • permalink


    1. #4 Of course, Burbank.

      background to the saying here and here.

      All you have to do is watch commercial TV, and see their “celebrities”, and the advertisers preach about global warming and all the trouble and strife it’s causing. However, if your purchase this car insurance, they will pay to offset your car’s carbon emissions for a year.

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 30 at 10:14 AM • permalink


    1. Burbank : I dunno, but you can check the list and find out!

      Posted by Nicholas on 2007 12 30 at 10:16 AM • permalink


    1. Things global warming apparently doesn’t cause:

      Longer growing seasons

      Increase in arable land

      Improved mental health due to increased outdoors exposure because of longer warm seasons

      Decreased oil consumption due to reduced home-heating needs

      Decrease in the number of nights my wife wears flannel pajamas.

      Posted by Dave S. on 2007 12 30 at 10:28 AM • permalink


    1. #7 Most Excellent Dave S.

      The Warmies might also consider that their doomsday scenario will most likely result in increased production of their favorite recreational herb.  It will also result in longer bikini-wearing, skate-boarding and tattoo-displaying seasons.

      How could they have missed these?

      Posted by Dave in Chicago on 2007 12 30 at 10:37 AM • permalink


    1. Pinot Noir?  Ok, that’s something I’m willing to fight over.

      Posted by blogagog on 2007 12 30 at 11:18 AM • permalink


    1. Pinot Noir?  Ok, that’s something I’m willing to fight over.

      That, and baseball, guac, and fries.

      Especially basebal now that the numpties that run the Seattle Mariners seem to finally have gotten their heads outta their asses and look like their trying to build a decent team.

      Posted by David Crawford on 2007 12 30 at 12:17 PM • permalink


    1. Surely, Communism will solve the problem of lobster shortages?

      Posted by paco on 2007 12 30 at 12:18 PM • permalink


    1. No doubt global warming will cause all those bad things to combine in some kind of warped, evolutionary convergence, so that the world will ultimately be destroyed by viral, fire-breathing, giant squid that carry malaria and Lyme disease, cause violent sneezing fits and irritating rashes, and deprive everyone of sleep by yowling all night.

      Posted by paco on 2007 12 30 at 12:26 PM • permalink


    1. More Bear Attacks

      So? Have one prowling my part of this mountain anyway. Mainly because stupid ass tourista’s don’t, can’t or will not, put their garbage into the bear proof containers, every one MUST have. Tis why at night, I go out with weapon when walking the dogs. They are a great warning to anything lurking and usually frighten it or whatever off.

      Farewell to Frogs

      Wasn’t a bad thing, but now that Sarkozy is in…Well, I’ll hold opinion for a tad (pole).

      Jellyfish Attack

      Let those Lefties try me!

      Homeless Sheep, Goats, and Bears*

      Great news for the Islama’s
      * asterisk explained..See “Bear Attacks” above.

      Gender-Bended Lizards

      Wonderful, Gay Lizards. Let them live and love, I say.

      More Stray Kitties

      Excellent! Us males will be thrilled, with more pussies.

      Birds in your Backyard

      Bravo! I have Hawks and Eagles that peruse the area of the mountain, NOW! Keeps the rodent population down and those with four legs, too.

      Say Farewell to Glaciers

      Never could skate, anyway.

      The Swiss Foothills

      Well, I’ll just have to eat, another kind of cheese.

      Florida’s National Marine Sanctuary in Trouble

      Having grown up, in the State, it always was, thanks to the migration of things called, Yankees (and not the baseball team).

      Mediterranean Sea?

      Good, will make it easier for the Islamics. Their boats SUCK! Forewarned, if you make it to Sicily, we shall kick your asses, then drop you into wood chippers.

      A Sacred River Dries Up

      It always has been filthy. So?

      Disappearing African Rivers

      You mean a large part of the Continent, wasn’t desert?

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 30 at 12:49 PM • permalink


    1. DAMN! Should have saved all the above for my place…Stealing it from Tim…with attribution, of course.

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 30 at 12:53 PM • permalink


    1. Well, I just returned from a lovely beach in Destin, Florida, and they could use a little global warming down there.  It was frickin’ COLD on Christmas Day! (I trust everyone else had a good one)

      My doctor let me travel, and I even celebrated with a glass of Yellow Tail Grenache (rather good, and cheap!).  But it was still cold.  Bring the global warmening on, we can start secret societies to save all the good stuff.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 12 30 at 01:21 PM • permalink


    1. They forgot “maddening rectal itch.”

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 12 30 at 01:28 PM • permalink


    1. BTW, did you know that Wronwright was trying to sell the Tardis on eBay?

      Posted by paco on 2007 12 30 at 01:28 PM • permalink


    1. Reading down the list, thinking…Yeah, yeah. Till I see this: Say Hello to Bulgarian Hooker Shortages.

      THAT’S IT, PEOPLE!! I want everybody out of those gas guzzling, CO² spewing SUVs…..NOW! Screw the polar bears, and frogs, this is a crises of biblical proportions!

      Posted by rinardman on 2007 12 30 at 01:29 PM • permalink


    1. #17 Phhtttt…and I notice he’s in Vegas

      We all know where that $10mill is going!

      Posted by rinardman on 2007 12 30 at 01:33 PM • permalink


    1. RebeccaH

      Welcome back…Destin is lovely.

      You may have seen Destin when it was more lovely…NO CONDO’S…lol.

      I did, BUT…that’s progress. OH and money.

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 30 at 01:51 PM • permalink


    1. 18 rinardman

      THAT’S IT, PEOPLE!! I want everybody out of those gas guzzling, CO² spewing SUVs…..NOW! Screw the polar bears, and frogs, this is a crises of biblical proportions!


      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 30 at 01:54 PM • permalink


    1. #15 Rebecca: What you need to do is enter the HGTV home give-away sweepstakes. This year, they’ve got a nice little number down at Islamorada.

      Posted by paco on 2007 12 30 at 02:05 PM • permalink


    1. Say Goodbye to Meadows of Wildflowers. Scientists think global warming could wipe out a fifth of the wildflower species in the western United States. They’ll be replaced by dominant grasses.

      The sonoran desert has some primo spring wildflower displays, and the summer temps there hit the high 120s.  Guess global warming would maybe move the spring wildflower display up a week or two in the year.  Dumbasses.

      Say Goodbye to Guacamole. Scientists from the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory predict hotter temps will cause a 40 percent drop in California ‘s avocado production over the next 40 years.

      Avocados like WARM temperatures.  Not cold temperatures. With warmer temperatures, the areas that avocados would thrive in would increase.  As it is, there are only a few limited areas that have the WARM temperatures necessary for avocados.  I wish the hell global warming would hurry up and get here so I could plant some. Hello, stupid global warming people.  Oranges don’t even grow as far north in Florida as they used to.  What kind of f***ed up global warming is that?

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 12 30 at 02:31 PM • permalink


    1. Happy New Year, El Cid!

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 12 30 at 02:34 PM • permalink


    1. #19 Rinardman: Well, I hope he stays away from the blackjack tables; his lucky number is 22.

      Posted by paco on 2007 12 30 at 02:41 PM • permalink


    1. 24 SwampWoman

      And the same to you, dear lady.

      In fact…TO ALL…Happy New Year…ummm just in case I go missing.

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 30 at 02:54 PM • permalink


    1. Uh, oh. The ascendancy of the jellyfish has begun.

      Posted by paco on 2007 12 30 at 02:58 PM • permalink


    1. 27

      Yeah read that…What are those Lefties wearing, scuba gear?

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 30 at 03:04 PM • permalink


    1. This just in: the California coastline!

      I’m glad someone’s collected all the Chicken Little stories this year. Seems like a week didn’t pass without warnings that some warm-’n’-fuzzy-or-other was on its way to oblivion thanks to too many people using clothes dryers.

      It’s been said that nothing kills a bad product faster than good marketing. I think warmening’s full-court PR press is about to hit payback time.

      Posted by Rittenhouse on 2007 12 30 at 03:15 PM • permalink


    1. The Warmenistas’ Global Warming scenarios remind me of this great scene from Ghostbusters:

      Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

      Mayor: What do you mean, “biblical”?

      Dr Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.

      Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.

      Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.

      Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes…

      Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave.

      Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria.

      Posted by ErnieG on 2007 12 30 at 03:43 PM • permalink


    1. I didn’t find chocolate on that list.
      No worries for me.

      Posted by Merlin on 2007 12 30 at 03:55 PM • permalink


    1. They should start calling it ‘global worsening’.

      Posted by bgates on 2007 12 30 at 04:49 PM • permalink


    1. #1 – staying on dry land won’t save you either.

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 12 30 at 05:17 PM • permalink


    1. I bow to our jellyfish overlords!

      Posted by David A on 2007 12 30 at 07:57 PM • permalink


    1. there is a lot more bindi bindi prickles in my front lawn this year. Is this a sign too?

      I wonder if the warmenistas will adopt Krakken squid as their mascot for protest marches? That would almost be cool. ( excuse the pun)

      Posted by the nailgun on 2007 12 30 at 08:06 PM • permalink


    1. If koalas are going, does that mean drop bears are too, or are drop bears immune to Global Warming?

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 12 30 at 08:22 PM • permalink


    1. What,no mention of the imminent cane toad invasion of Tasmania? How come they missed that? Maybe they couldn’t work out whether it should be regarded as a bad thing or not.

      Posted by Lew on 2007 12 30 at 08:35 PM • permalink


    1. #37 They consider it a good thing, because it brings fresh blood to Tasmania…

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 12 30 at 08:38 PM • permalink


    1. “More Bear Attacks”

      Uh oh, sounds like we will need a bear patrol (along with a bear patrol tax).

      Posted by Nicholas on 2007 12 30 at 09:00 PM • permalink


    1. drop bears and the heilin haggis are immune to global warming

      Posted by missred on 2007 12 30 at 09:10 PM • permalink


    1. #40 Ahhh, cool, thanks Missred. Wasn’t sure what the drop bear/global warming protocol is.

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 12 30 at 09:16 PM • permalink


    1. I grew up in the part of Illinois that was just far enough south (or warm enough) to have productive peach orchards.  (There are very few things that taste better than a freshly picked ripe peach. I don’t even bother with that crap they sell in stores and veggie markets [and we’ve got a real good veggie market—its peaches still suck] since it’s all picked before it’s ripe.)

      Anyhoo, there hasn’t been a decent peach crop within 50 miles south of my home town for the past decade plus.  It’s too damn cold in the spring.  I wish this global warming could get its act together.

      Posted by JorgXMcKie on 2007 12 30 at 09:52 PM • permalink


    1. #42

      You can have some of our Glowball Worming, Jorg.

      The temperature is on its way to 42C today (107.6F). Its almost there at Avalon which is about 50km down the coast. I just walked over to the beach, no sharks that I could see… Just people swimming and having fun.

      Posted by Gotlieb on 2007 12 30 at 10:26 PM • permalink


    1. #42, is that the part of Illinois that used to be covered by glaciers, before, um, Global Warming?

      Posted by spot_the_dog on 2007 12 30 at 10:55 PM • permalink


    1. There are reports of sharks growing legs as a result of gerbil worming.
      Those puppies could really take a bite out of Victoria’s tourist industry.

      Posted by Mike_W on 2007 12 31 at 01:35 AM • permalink


    1. spot_the_dog

      #42, is that the part of Illinois that used to be covered by glaciers, before, um, Global Warming?

      Parts of Illinois are still covered with glaciers…One of its Senators, is a Dick. Point is…the glaciers have frozen many minds there.

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 12 31 at 01:48 AM • permalink


    1. If frogs really are environmental barometers, then remember, dying is their job.
      What I like best is the very tenuous finish “due to global warming”. This is a great and righteous phrase! Is there any sentence it can’t round off?
      “She’s running little rough due to global warming.”
      “Get in there and do the damned dishes due to global warming!”
      “Honey? Can we do it continental style tonight due to global warming.”
      There’s my 2008 hobby.

      Posted by ooh honey honey on 2007 12 31 at 02:02 AM • permalink


    1. Tonight one of the news programs was going on about today’s “EXTREME WEATHER.” Evidently the big waves you all are getting in NSW and QLD and the warm weather in SA and Vic are part of this new EXTREME WEATHER thingy, as were the recent ice storms in the US.

      Are we witnessing the newest paradigm-shift, from “global warming” —> “climate change” —> “extreme weather”?

      Well, no matter.  Kevin’s in charge now and from here on in we’ll have Camelot-type weather.  Won’t we?

      Posted by spot_the_dog on 2007 12 31 at 06:30 AM • permalink


    1. I forgot.  The three West Aussies who died because someone stuffed up and told them to go right ahead and drive through a section of highway where a bushfire was raging, they’re “victims of extreme weather” too, according to our ABC.  Sickening.

      Posted by spot_the_dog on 2007 12 31 at 06:32 AM • permalink


    1. #49
      Well, noone’s going to admit they’re victims of the idiocy of “remote control” of a fireground.

      Posted by kae on 2007 12 31 at 07:52 AM • permalink


    1. they’re “victims of extreme weather” too, according to our ABC

      Translation: They’re victims of fat, SUV driving Texans.

      Posted by murph on 2007 12 31 at 09:51 AM • permalink


    1. #27

      I for one welcome our new jellyfish overlords.

      Posted by Mambo Bananapatch on 2007 12 31 at 10:18 AM • permalink


    1. The jellyfish….

      First they came for the salmon, and I did nothing.

      Then they came for the Brazilians…

      Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 12 31 at 10:27 AM • permalink


    1. Rise of the Jellyfish? In Japan they’d say: how good of you to notice.

      Key sentence:

      Those that survived were poisoned and beslimed by their tentacles.


      Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 12 31 at 11:55 AM • permalink


    1. Volcanoes?

      What’s the supposed mechanism there?

      Posted by mojo on 2007 12 31 at 12:35 PM • permalink


    1. It’s really quite simple, mojo. Bush and his eeevul henchmen (and henchwomen) conspire to make all of us produce lots of greenhouse gases which displace all the good heavy gases we are used to. This lessening of goodly gas pressure equalization on Gaia cause her belly to bloat up and erupt, much like deep sea fish explode when brought to the surface.

      Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 12 31 at 01:02 PM • permalink


    1. Of course, all the CO2 and Sulfur Dioxide spouting out of the volcanoes would tend to chill the planet…

      But let’s ignore that, what say?

      Posted by mojo on 2007 12 31 at 02:21 PM • permalink


  1. #54 Spiny: “Beslimed”.  Excellent . . .

    Posted by paco on 2007 12 31 at 04:31 PM • permalink