Invitation unlikely

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Last updated on July 2nd, 2017 at 08:13 am

Kevni considers a nation’s most brilliant ideas in this column from the future – illustrated by Super Dave Follett:


Posted by Tim B. on 02/08/2008 at 10:17 AM
    1. Well polished column, as always …

      The slowest 1000 to take a step backward?

      Posted by egg_ on 2008 02 08 at 10:26 AM • permalink


    1. His plan for the future was to get elected to office.

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2008 02 08 at 10:38 AM • permalink


    1. Tim: Quite possibly the funniest column ever! And finely illustrated.

      Posted by paco on 2008 02 08 at 10:44 AM • permalink


    1. Kev’s Klutz Klan …

      Posted by egg_ on 2008 02 08 at 10:55 AM • permalink


    1. Fantastic work Tim, KRudd calling lifeline reminds me of this bloke

      “The hall lights burst into full radiance, revealing a packed audience gazing rapturously at Rudd and his Government on stage. Then they flicker, die, briefly return to full intensity, and finally settle to a dull, candle-like glow.”

      They should have put the wind turbines inside the Thousand Citizen Hall.  This whole shemozzle has had wind-fest written all over it since the day it was announced.

      Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2008 02 08 at 11:07 AM • permalink


    1. Best. Column. Ever.

      See, coffin-cheating has been quite cathartic for you, Tim you irreverent bastard!

      Posted by Kaboom on 2008 02 08 at 11:24 AM • permalink


    1. I’ve been developing a theory that the Peace symbol is a lot like morning wood.  It’s an involuntary reflex, requires no conscious thought, and is less entertaining as you get older…

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 02 08 at 11:31 AM • permalink


    1. Bloody fantastic column Tim, and superbly drawn as always.

      Dave must be about due for a pay rise, musn’t he?

      Posted by Ash_ on 2008 02 08 at 11:32 AM • permalink


    1. #6 Kaboom: Nooo. Best. Column. Ever.

      Sorry, multiple bolds and italics tags removed. Please be more careful—the tag with the slash is always the end tag, and if you want to add effects to more than one word you only need one set of tags for the entire group of words. The Management.

      Posted by SandiM on 2008 02 08 at 11:49 AM • permalink


    1. By the way Tim, how did you get the film of the meeting?

      Posted by Ash_ on 2008 02 08 at 11:51 AM • permalink


    1. </i>And where there refreshments?

      Posted by Ash_ on 2008 02 08 at 12:11 PM • permalink


    1. great column, tim!!  i see you are in fine form.. no better form, as usual.  mr. follett’s illustration is perfect.

      Posted by missred on 2008 02 08 at 12:59 PM • permalink


    1. Excellent column, Tim!  Great illustration, as well—I imagine KRudd seeing that drawing, and thinking to himself, “If only that were so……”

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 02 08 at 01:09 PM • permalink


    1. BTW, please note that I did not try to close the italics door, as per earlier, and very pointed, instructions from our Blogmistress™.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 02 08 at 01:10 PM • permalink


    1. We’re all tilters, now!

      Posted by paco on 2008 02 08 at 01:11 PM • permalink


    1. I stand in awe of Mr. Blair’s abilities, which have withstood a dangerous assault from nature and the medical profession and proved the staying power of reasoned irreverence.  Kudos, Mr. Blair.  Wonderful stuff.

      #7, Richard McEnroe:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      Posted by saltydog on 2008 02 08 at 01:29 PM • permalink


    1. Either Rudd lied before the election, or he lost his plan after it.

      The dog ate his plan.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2008 02 08 at 01:41 PM • permalink


    1. #7, I second Saltydog.  Brilliant!

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2008 02 08 at 01:42 PM • permalink


    1. …friggin’ itillitics…</i>

      Top column, Tim.

      Posted by JAFA on 2008 02 08 at 02:04 PM • permalink



      Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2008 02 08 at 02:06 PM • permalink


    1. Who let the tilts out?

      Posted by Kaboom on 2008 02 08 at 02:12 PM • permalink


    1. Are those hands raised to say “Me! Me! Pick me, sir”? Or, rather more likely, “Heil Kevni”?

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2008 02 08 at 02:18 PM • permalink


    1. Wonderful column!!! You’e captured the whole essence of Ruddism. When a book is written on the Great Rudd cock-up, this should be the first major entry.

      Posted by McAnzac on 2008 02 08 at 02:34 PM • permalink


    1. Was Peter Garrett the hand model?

      Posted by Dave S. on 2008 02 08 at 04:43 PM • permalink


    1. Best column ever.  But I say that every week :).

      Posted by Kami on 2008 02 08 at 04:47 PM • permalink


    1. Excellent column Tim capturing the true essence of the man/bot and his vacuous attempt to hide the fact that the Labor party is truly bereft of any ideas that they can call their own.

      Stray italics removed. The Management.

      Posted by Irobot on 2008 02 08 at 04:54 PM • permalink


    1. …testing….

      Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 02 08 at 05:00 PM • permalink


    1. hmm. That used to work.

      Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 02 08 at 05:00 PM • permalink


    1. #28 Nilk

      hmm. That used to work.

      Hmm. I think we should get used to saying that.

      About everything Kev touches.

      Posted by kae on 2008 02 08 at 05:38 PM • permalink


    1. People, be careful with the tags. Check, check, and recheck before posting if you are not sure—and if in doubt, don’t use any tags. Or you can go back to using asterisks and underscores for emphasis. *Like this* (Old newsgroup and email formatting code.)

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2008 02 08 at 05:50 PM • permalink


    1. Well, Tim…I’ve read better.

      Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 02 08 at 06:25 PM • permalink


    1. I lol’d, as the kiddies say these days.

      Posted by hayesy on 2008 02 08 at 07:02 PM • permalink


    1. First ozzie cabinet meeting.

      Ruddles: Well, ludwig, here we are, at the controls. Look at this cabinet drinks cabinet button. Bonza eh?

      Garret: mmm .hhmmmh.mmhhhppph

      Swan: Wheee-heee. Look, I’ve got all the money!

      Ruddles: Now, mates, we’ve come to the fork in the road. We’ve got a plan to implementate. Who’s got it? Let’s see it.

      Ludwig: But we don’t have a minister of planning.

      Wong: We go green. We stop using water and stuff. And stop others using it too.

      Conroy: Absentmindedly The Brits give two fingers to say “stuff off”, the Yanks only use one. Now that’s digital economy.

      Ruddles: Oh shut, Conroy, and go back to surfing the web or Hawaii or whatever it is you do.

      Wong: We should stop selling stuff to the Chinese, that’ll teach ‘em to pollute.

      Crean: Brilliant. Let’s stop making money. Bloody brilliant.

      Smith: Wouldn’t want to piss off the Chinese. The Yanks are always good – let’s withdraw from Iran.


      Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 02 08 at 07:13 PM • permalink


    1. Since I am on a Midnight Oil lyrics bender, I thought I’d put in this very prescient song from about 20 years ago:

      “When the generals talk”

      Up there on the platform
      He is speaking to the people
      The people are responding
      With clapping and acheering
      But the meaning of the message
      Not revealed to those assembled
      Theyre taken for a ride
      Taken in his stride

      When the generals talk
      You better listen to him
      When the generals talk
      You better do what he say

      Theres a rumour in the ranking
      Someones talking insurrection
      So the general has a purge
      cos he wants to win elections
      With the certain satisfaction
      That the people are appeased
      Long live the revoluton
      The generals very pleased

      Sitting on the fence both ears to the ground
      The fat cats still push the thin cats around

      Posted by mr creosote on 2008 02 08 at 07:21 PM • permalink


    1. Best. Column. Yet.

      Posted by Penguin on 2008 02 08 at 07:36 PM • permalink


    1. Superb column Tim.  But when do we get to see the who have been invited and who have accepted their ‘invitation’ to the Talkfest.

      That should prove interesting because the selected people “would be expected to pay their own way to Canberra.  Maybe we won’t get to see who have been invited but decline their invitation, but really in the spirit of the new collective Australia anyone who does this should be publically shamed before being sent to a re-education camp.

      Now I wonder who selects these people – “some of the best and brightest brains from across the country” … oh yes you said who in your column – it’s Julia!… who no doubt met the selection criteria from the PM who said “We want people to be selected on the basis of individual merit,”

      Mind you in the space of two days, they will tackle the challenges which include “areas such as productivity, the digital economy, water, health, indigenous people and services and the arts.”

      Hey Tim, have you received your invitation yet?  Do you get to choose which challenge will be yours for the weekend.  Are you going to be a group leader? Now let me see – 1,000 people, 10 groups of 100 people each!  Presumably each group has a real challenging topic.  That’s some ground to cover – 100 people – two days, say 10 hours maximum discussion time or 6 minutes per person!

      But, no doubt it will all run smoothly in the new great spirit of the Australian Collective and great use will be made of all comments and observations in formulating the next Ten Year Strategic Plan for the Democratic People’s Republic of Australasia.  We have plenty of precedents for guidance. [Note we will move straight to a Ten Year Plan: none of these pesky Five Year models].

      So when can I expect my invitation? I want to come!  Please, where’s my ticket?

      [Actually I think the whole idea of this talkfest insults the Australian community].

      Posted by Wand on 2008 02 08 at 09:17 PM • permalink


    1. Canberra isn’t that far away.  What will they do with gatecrashers?

      Posted by mr creosote on 2008 02 08 at 09:35 PM • permalink


    1. After reading that, it’s clear that all Rudd needs now is his own Albert Speer to build Kevania – the monumental city where his big ideas will live for a thousand years.

      Posted by C.L. on 2008 02 08 at 10:09 PM • permalink


    1. #36, Wand,

      “Actually I think the whole idea of this talkfest insults the Australian community”

      And I thought it was just me that felt that way.

      Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2008 02 08 at 10:31 PM • permalink


    1. KRudd follows Hawke with talkfest, Hawke said no child etc. Hawke borrowed child idea from send man to moon, so why not just use Inaugural Addresses of the Presidents of the United States for ideas and save time and money.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 08 at 11:28 PM • permalink


    1. I wonder if Kevni will consult JWH in an effort to get a bright idea.
      If the speculation about the Queens’ honours for John Howard are correct, then Kevni may well have to genuflect and address his predecessor as “Sir John.”
      Oh the irony!
      The Prissy Prick having to kowtow to his very favourite “me-too” subject.
      Doncha just luv it!!!!!

      Posted by jorjac on 2008 02 08 at 11:47 PM • permalink


    1. Great column Tim!  Someone had better warn Lifeline that they are in for a boring bashing!

      Posted by Quoll on 2008 02 09 at 12:33 AM • permalink


    1. It is now 17 weeks since Australia last had a government – six weeks of caretaker rule during the election campaign and 11 weeks of symbolic government under a symbolic prime minister called Kevin Rudd..

      Next week, the new Australian government will sit for the first time and its first act will be – symbolic. Kevin will say sorry but only symbolically, because he has had lawyers going over his apology for weeks to make sure it doesn’t have any real value.

      This symbolic gesture follows from Bali when amid great applause Kevin ratified the Kyoto Protocol. Again it was symbolic because Rudd immediately admitted that Australia didn’t have snowball’s chance of meeting the 2012 targets.

      Meanwhile, the Japanese whalers set sail during Australia’s holiday from government to do a bit of researching with harpoons. Rudd sent a ship to take photos of the whale harvest, a symbolic gesture because it could actually stop the Japanese..

      And now a new bit of symbolism – the 2020 talkfest. It is, symbolically, the very image of Rudd. Dressed in a nice suit, not a hair our of place, it will sprout thousands of word that say nothing of substance, set goals so far in the future that they never have to be acted on and achieve adoring ABC coverage of every tedious detail.

      Can’t go on you know. One day Rudd will have to make a real decision. Then it will get interesting.

      Posted by Contrail on 2008 02 09 at 01:04 AM • permalink


    1. Aye, Contrail. Terry McCrann seems to agree with you that it’s time to call bullshit on these incompetent galoots:

      IT’S time for Brendan Nelson to apologise. For leaving the incoming Rudd-Swan Government a booming economy and a bulging budget.

      Oh what an unforgivably terrible problem to inherit. There was Treasurer Wayne Swan, quoted on our front page yesterday, saying he was just going to have to bite the bullet and, well, let the budget keep racking up surpluses…

      By the way, if anyone’s at a loss for something to do late tonight, there’s a foretaste of Rudd’s Super-Dooper Cacklers’ Colloquium on Channel Ten.

      Posted by C.L. on 2008 02 09 at 01:26 AM • permalink


    1. #43

      Can’t go on you know. One day Rudd will have to make a real decision. Then it will get interesting.

      Truer words, Contrail, have never been spoken.

      Posted by kae on 2008 02 09 at 01:30 AM • permalink


    1. Krudd™ is a new symbolic artificial language.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 01:57 AM • permalink


    1. I don’t think sharia law has much chance of being a goer at Kevinis conference, even the ABCs’ running at 94% against to 6% in favour.

      Looks like the head hackers may have sullied their “brand name” a little.

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 02 09 at 02:18 AM • permalink


    1. Oops heres the link to the poll. here.

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 02 09 at 02:20 AM • permalink


    1. OT: Hot off the press. The average Australian’s unofficial draft of The Sorry Speech (forwarded from a cousin in Q’ld) – as opposed to Rudd’s fraudulent pile of poo.



      We apologise for giving you Doctors and free medical care, which allows you to survive and multiply so that you can demand apologies.

      We apologise for teaching you the English language and thus opening up to you the entire European civilisation, thought and enterprise.

      We feel that we must apologise for building hundreds of homes for you, which you have vandalised and destroyed.

      We apologise for giving you law and order which has helped prevent you from slaughtering one and another and using the unfortunate for food purposes.

      We apologise for developing large farms and properties, which today helps to consistently feed all of us, where before you had the benefits of living off the land and starving during droughts.

      We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to replace the animal skins you used before.

      We apologise for building roads and railway tracks between cities and building cars so that you no longer have to walk over harsh terrain.

      We apologise for paying off your vehicle when you fail to pay the instalments.

      We apologise for giving you free travel wherever, whenever.

      We apologise for giving each and every member of your family $100.00 and free travel to attend an Aboriginal funeral.

      We apologise for not charging you rent on any lands the white people have to pay.

      We apologise for giving you interest free loans.

      We apologise for developing oil wells and minerals, including gold and diamonds which you never used and had no idea of their value.

      We apologise for developing Ayers Rock and Kakadu, and handing them over to you so that you get all the money.

      We apologise for allowing taxpayers money paid towards daughters’ wedding ($8000 ea daughter).

      We apologise for giving you $1.7 billion per year for 250,000 people, which is $48,000 per aboriginal man, woman and child.

      We apologise for working hard to pay taxes that finance your welfare, medical care, education, etc to the tune of $1.2 billion each year.

      We apologise for you having to approach the aboriginal affairs department to verify the above figures. For the trouble you will have identifying the “uncle toms” in your own community who are getting richer and leaving some of you living in squalor and poverty.

      We do apologise. We really do.

      We humbly beg your forgiveness for all the above sins.
      We are only too happy to take all the above and return you to the paradise of the “outback”, whenever you are ready.


      It seems Aborigines aren’t the only natives getting restless.

      Posted by Srekwah on 2008 02 09 at 02:53 AM • permalink


    1. Who is Posada Carriles?

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 03:06 AM • permalink


    1. My suggested T-shirt slogan…..

      Orright, we’re sorry… Now shut the F*^k up!!

      Posted by Rod C on 2008 02 09 at 03:16 AM • permalink


    1. kae thinks Posada Carriles is a troll. Is he?

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 03:18 AM • permalink


    1. stackja1945
      he’s playing silly buggers with his questions, one liners designed to his game if you like, I won’t bother. (My US history isn’t very good. And I reckon there’s a definite element of batshit crazyness in any person who’ll hijack a plane, or blow themselves and others to bits.)

      Posted by kae on 2008 02 09 at 03:22 AM • permalink


    1. 53, yes kae. I saw the one-liners.
      Me just wondering. Now I know. Back to other business.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 03:38 AM • permalink


    1. #49, Srekwah, I’m not signing that one either.

      I’m about as sorry as a sailor judging a bikini contest.

      #50, Stackja, A quick Google brought up this page on wiki.  Seems like our troll is an ex CIA terrorist.  Lets give credit where credits due, he doesn’t like Castro…

      Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2008 02 09 at 03:45 AM • permalink


    1. They are most definitely the hands of the BoneHeaded Minister for Plastic Bags.

      He’s referred to in the body of the column.

      I recognised those hands immediately!

      Posted by kae on 2008 02 09 at 03:49 AM • permalink


    1. 55, interesting.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 03:50 AM • permalink


    1. #55 Hey Woz,

      it’s probably the same troll who used the name of one of the Oklahoma bombers a few weeks back as his tag.

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 04:06 AM • permalink


    1. 58, I missed all the fun.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 04:10 AM • permalink


    1. #59 stack,

      he started off all smarmy like he has this time with his “oooh, I’m so clever” one liners. As soon as he was caught out about the name, he degenerated into the nasty slimy troll we’ve come to know and deride.

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 04:15 AM • permalink


    1. #58, Pogria, is it just me, or do we all have difficulty understanding the thinking behind going to a blog you disagree with and shit stirring.

      As best I can come up with, its probably due to a lack of sex.

      Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2008 02 09 at 04:25 AM • permalink


    1. #61 LOL Yeah.

      And not shit stirring or arguing a point very well at all.

      Posted by kae on 2008 02 09 at 04:34 AM • permalink


    1. #61 Woz,

      That’s exactly what I said once!!

      Then some troll went round a heap of other blogs saying nasty things while pretending to be me!!!

      They were mostly lefty blogs which I’d never even heard of.

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 04:37 AM • permalink


    1. Woz,

      the trolls that come here do so because they need masturbational aids.

      Comes from having such a small dick, you need to believe you’ve upset someone which then gives them a hard on.

      THEN, they can find it!!!

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 04:40 AM • permalink


    1. #64, Thats a bit sexist Pogs, how do we know that trolls are all male?

      Your almost certainly right, but in this day and age of gender equality…

      Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2008 02 09 at 04:56 AM • permalink


    1. 64, things may clitorise, who knows.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 05:14 AM • permalink


    1. #65 hhhmmm Woz,

      I suppose you’re right. However, I reckon any female trolls have probably abused their vibrators, (stands in for the lack of necessary genitalia), so badly, that they need to air the harmony of a friendly, right wing blog to make the poor, blind little gadget show it’s sad, cracked perspex face from under the pedal bin in the bathroom.

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 05:18 AM • permalink


    1. #66 Stack,

      I didn’t see your post before I submitted mine.

      I reckon you’re onto something!!! hehehehe

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 05:21 AM • permalink


    1. 67, Julia’s G-spot?
      Or do I need to say $orry , for that?

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 05:23 AM • permalink


    1. Olga Kurlylenko will appear soon on the cinema screen in some movie. Will that generate troll hardening?

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 02 09 at 05:40 AM • permalink


    1. #69 stack,

      you need to say a WHOLE Rosary for that!

      Posted by Pogria on 2008 02 09 at 05:53 AM • permalink


    1. Great. Just what the place needs. Another thousand leftist wankers lolling about the town whining for handouts to buy latte, chardonnay, joints and lube for their onanistic frenzies.

      Just fucking wonderful.


      Posted by MarkL on 2008 02 09 at 08:49 AM • permalink


    1. We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to replace the animal skins you used before

      Actually, didn’t they just walk aroyund naked. I read that they wanted to see the white man’s genitals to verify they were human.

      Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 02 09 at 11:32 AM • permalink


    1. The invitees

      It’s a Logies night organised by the ABC. Not a chance in hell of anything constructive happening, which will be relief to Rudd. Last thing he wants is the few really smart people in the crowd to get air time. Publicity professionals Blanchett, Dinnigan, Smith, Flannery and Costello will make sure of that.

      You would hope some of the smart people will wake up to the fact they are being used, not consulted, by Rudd.

      Posted by Contrail on 2008 02 09 at 06:33 PM • permalink


    1. Thanks Contrail.

      Oh, such joy. The usual list of spivs, charlatans, wankademics, media whores, vapid socialites, carpetbaggers, leftards, watermelons, neocommies, narcissists, fools, cretins and all their fellow travellers: a selection from the worthless crusty rime that has dried out around the edge of the boiling pot of Australian civilisation.

      At least we know this collection of scumbags are incapable of doing anything constructive. Beazley’s dad was right. The ALP has truly become the party of the scum of the upper and middle classes.

      Be interesting to see if any electricity, mining, shipping, road, rail, oil production or heavy industry groups are even allowed thru the door.

      Can’t have people who actually produce stuff allowed in, after all.

      The luvvies will be coming in their pants over this one.


      Posted by MarkL on 2008 02 09 at 08:25 PM • permalink


    1. #74 Oh. My. God.

      Posted by C.L. on 2008 02 09 at 08:45 PM • permalink


    1. #74 75
      It’s a joke, isn’t it.Kevvie just hasn’t got it yet has he?

      Posted by kae on 2008 02 09 at 09:50 PM • permalink


  1. I can’t stop laughing. Your column deserves framing, Tim, along with the pic.

    Posted by koko on 2008 02 10 at 02:23 AM • permalink