Great outdoor fight

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Last updated on March 6th, 2018 at 12:30 am

“The fight is going well!” said Boris, editor at one of ACP’s fine gentlemen’s magazines, when I met him Monday morning for coffee outside our shared office block.

Boris isn’t of slight build, and his conversation sometimes hints at a familiarity with violence. He was still angry following the events of last week, when he chased a junkie 150 yards after the fool stole coffee lady Gina’s handbag (everybody is protective of Gina) only to be denied a citizen’s arrest by the intervention of an off-duty cop. “I had my move worked out,” Boris later complained. All who witnessed his subsequent demonstration agreed: it would have been an excellent move.

The compound means of traumatic spinal compression are no mystery to Boris.

But the conflict to which he initially referred involved not Boris but destiny-driven cartoon characters; he’s been following developments in this year’s Great Outdoor Fight (click that link and hit the right-hand arrow for subsequent instalments; three days, three acres, 3,000 men!). Shortly Boris will be wearing a commemorative Fight t-shirt. Sydney street thieves should consider themselves advised.

UPDATE. Sortelli: “Well … Ray just tore some cowboy’s face off.  He really is Blood of Champion.”

UPDATE II. Texas Ranger: “Jesus, Ray hell of took down a dude’s face.”

UPDATE III. Trexkilla: “The Great Outdoor Fight is so far at least twice as awesome as Cartilage Head, and that’s saying something.”

Posted by Tim B. on 02/21/2006 at 12:06 PM
    1. The GOF is one of Achewood’s finest moments to date.

      Posted by Brian Tiemann on 2006 02 21 at 01:29 PM • permalink


    1. You give much honor to Achewood, verily and do shout out to Iowahawk for it is good.

      My solid gold comedy site tips of the week are A Lesson Learned, an online comic a twisted and brilliant as Achewood, and Blame Bush is as sharp and laceratingly satirical as Iowahawk, spread the love

      Anyone else got any internet gems?

      Posted by Amos on 2006 02 21 at 01:58 PM • permalink


    1. Wait a minute. This Great Outdoor Fight thing; is it just a cartoonist’s imagination run amok, or is it something real? If it were anyplace besides Australia, I’d have serious doubts (A Great Outdoor Fight in, say, Belgium? Please.). I mean, it just sounds so . . . Australian. Love the cartoon, incidentally.

      Posted by paco on 2006 02 21 at 02:02 PM • permalink


    1. Achewood takes place in California, actually.  I can’t help but wonder where Mister Onstad got the idea to include a funny Australian blogger in the fight, since it was this very blog that got me hooked on the comic.

      “I … AM … RUUUUUUUDE!”

      Posted by Sortelli on 2006 02 21 at 02:19 PM • permalink


    1. I’m BOC* myself.  Achewood is hella great.  Gotta have one of those GOF shirts to go with my Achewater.

      * Blood Of Champion

      Posted by Carl H on 2006 02 21 at 05:13 PM • permalink


    1. I can’t wait to see how the Great Outdoor Fight ends.

      I’m also liking A Lesson Learned a lot.

      Posted by Evil Pundit on 2006 02 21 at 07:08 PM • permalink


    1. SLIGHTLY O/T.

      I believe that I have broken some kind of record by getting two letters printed in the same edition of The Australian.  Can anybody out there match that?

      Posted by murph on 2006 02 21 at 07:12 PM • permalink


    1. Way OT:Cheyney’s Got A Gun. This is a cack!

      Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 02 21 at 07:16 PM • permalink


    1. #7
      ” IF David Irving is planning on opening his trap again and wishes to avoid landing in jail, he may consider converting to Islam….”

      Andrew, it is brilliant!

      Posted by tmciolek on 2006 02 21 at 07:36 PM • permalink


    1. Chris Onstad: if you are reading this, can I get the GOF t-shirt in ‘asphalt’ please.

      It’s the new, new black.

      Posted by fidens on 2006 02 21 at 08:18 PM • permalink


    1. My money’s on Leander for the title.

      #2 Have you tried

      Posted by Texas Ranger on 2006 02 21 at 08:39 PM • permalink


    1. David Irving converting to Islam to avoid jail? Brilliant.

      Posted by Texas Ranger on 2006 02 21 at 08:54 PM • permalink


    1. #7 Murph,

      I have had the same letter published in the SMH, Age, Telegraph and Australian on the same day, not once but twice.

      However, I bow before you.

      I wouldn’t have noticed it had you not mentioned it above. I wonder if anyone else will. A subsequent letter about it would be the sort of “meta-letter” (aka banal shite) that the SMH would print. I think the Australian would like to see it overlooked. I know the SMH and Age try not to print a letter from the same writer more than once per fortnight. Both of your letters were eminently printable however, so it may have been quite deliberate.

      Posted by Dan Lewis on 2006 02 21 at 09:06 PM • permalink


    1. Murph, I am impressed, but I’m more impressed with Dan’s feat, the SMH actually published a letter with a right wing slant?


      Posted by Nic on 2006 02 21 at 09:56 PM • permalink


    1. I sent them a thankyou and suggested that they could save space on their letters page by giving me a column.

      Posted by murph on 2006 02 21 at 10:17 PM • permalink


    1. Nic

      I’ve had a few published in the SMH and The Age.  It’s been more than a year, however, since any of the afore mentioned papers have printed any of my letters.

      I was beginning to think I had been black-balled.

      Posted by murph on 2006 02 21 at 10:20 PM • permalink


    1. Top stuff Murph!

      I was having similar problems with the Australian last year but have had two published this year (although they didn’t publish my angry correction to some hack’s claim that the US sold Saddam all his weapons). Maybe they’ve replaced their letters editors?

      Posted by Art Vandelay on 2006 02 21 at 11:23 PM • permalink


    1. A week ago I had a dream in which I was riding in a sidecar in a motorcycle driven by the creator of Achewood, and I said that the Great Outdoor Fight was shaping up as the best story arc ever. He grinned and agreed and said he thought so, too.

      Which makes me Roast Beef. Without the money and the hella suave and the thong.

      The beauty of the internets: that last sentence will make perfect sense to people in Australia I never met.

      Posted by Lileks on 2006 02 21 at 11:27 PM • permalink


    1. Niknarf, that’s top stuff!
      Check it out, people!

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2006 02 22 at 12:08 AM • permalink


    1. Just posting so I can be on the same thread as Lileks.

      Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2006 02 22 at 12:17 AM • permalink


    1. Let the weakest lay waste to the weakest and so on in kind.



      Is Lileks speaking in code? Wha…?

      Posted by Spiny Norman on 2006 02 22 at 12:28 AM • permalink


    1. I predict:

      1.  Roast Beef gets killed (again).

      2.  Ray wins this one without doing any hard work.  He will win, given his endless line of credit with the devil, but how?

      Achewood is the first site I visit every day, I’m a complete fanatic, but I’ve never met another person in the real world who is into it.  Thanks be to Tim (PBUH, ROFL, VB, DOHC) for pointing the way to it long ago.

      Posted by Matt in Denver on 2006 02 22 at 12:42 AM • permalink


    1. #14

      Murph, I am impressed, but I’m more impressed with Dan’s feat, the SMH actually published a letter with a right wing slant?


      Actually, the SMH have printed plenty of my letters. They were often ‘balanced’ by an overwhelming number of letters in opposition. However, I did manage to piss off an antisemite Sydney University lecturer who is convinced Fairfax were subject to a global Zionist conspiracy to stop his letters getting printed nearly as often.He has a blog and started his rant here and ‘proved’ his point by compiling a terribly convenient compendium of many of my letters here. The fact they were printed somehow proves his point. Never mind that most of my submissions aren’t printed.

      Have a read of this guy’s blog, consider he’s a good mate of Loewenstein and then ask whether you’d send your kid to Sydney University knowing Evan Jones is a professor there.

      Posted by Dan Lewis on 2006 02 22 at 12:57 AM • permalink


    1. 11,22:

      Good predictions.  I like the idea of Leander winning, it’s always the quiet ones.

      I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop on Ray’s string of successes.  There’s no way he’s going to just win… but I doubt Roast Beef will die.  He’s not no heaven and no Molly to go up to now.  I think what will finally happen is that Ray will realize that Beef’s been serving the fight up to him on a platter and be threatened by his friend’s talent.

      Posted by Sortelli on 2006 02 22 at 01:29 AM • permalink


    1. Matt in Denver,

      Achewood is invariably my first site of the day too – the GOF story arc has had me arriving at work half an hour earlier than usual.

      You’re good people – were you weaned on chicken milk and cocaine?

      Posted by fidens on 2006 02 22 at 01:37 AM • permalink


    1. Will Envelope stay out of the fight?

      Could Beef also be Blood of Champion?

      Has Ray been taken over by the brother of Larazus loafer?

      The answers to these and more in the next instalment of the GOF!

      Posted by Texas Ranger on 2006 02 22 at 05:18 AM • permalink


    1. Well… Ray just tore some cowboy’s face off.  He really is Blood of Champion.

      I’m changing my prediction.  He goes nucking futs and demolishes everyone in the fight, including Beef, and becomes horrified at what he’s done.

      Posted by Sortelli on 2006 02 22 at 08:02 AM • permalink


    1. Jesus, Ray hell of took down a dude’s face.

      I take it back, Envelope be all staying at home and keeping his face on, Ray’s just cut the mustard.

      Posted by Texas Ranger on 2006 02 22 at 09:58 AM • permalink


    1. Envelope won’t be in the Fight… he had plastic surgery and put his kids in the Witness Protection Program so as not to be known as a dude who could lose a fight to Ray Smuckles, remember?

      That said, i think Sortelli’s probably got it. Though Onstad will no doubt surprise us all.

      The Great Outdoor Fight is so far at least twice as awesome as Cartilage Head, and that’s saying something.

      Posted by trexkilla on 2006 02 22 at 10:16 AM • permalink


    1. Or! What if… Rodney Leonard Stubbs shows up to fight?

      Does anyone really know where Ray’s dad is, anyway?

      Posted by trexkilla on 2006 02 22 at 11:49 AM • permalink


    1. I’m definitely saving this for future use: ‘That depends! Are you the Guaranteed Honky-Tonk-Sryle Blowjob I orderd from Room Service just now?’

      Posted by David Gillies on 2006 02 22 at 12:17 PM • permalink


    1. 24 –
      Good point, how does it get down to a winner?  Does Ray have to beat down Roast Beef for the win?  After Roast Beef handed it to him?  He couldn’t!

      A high-probability prediction:  Onstad will take a bunch of odd days off so we don’t get this figured out until mid-March, or the story will just drop off so suddenly we all need neck braces.

      Crazy thing is, he has said that he doesn’t work these stories out way in advance, so he probably doesn’t know what’s going to happen either.

      Posted by Matt in Denver on 2006 02 22 at 07:04 PM • permalink


    1. Because Onstad is BOFG*.

      *(Blood of Freakin’ Genius)

      I predict Teodor will toss in a basket of fresh bagels containing a message wishing Beef and Ray good luck.  It will fall into the wrong paws.  Battle lines will reform based on the new information.

      When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro and rip off a honkytonk cowboy’s face.

      3 acres, 3 days, 3000 men, 12 bagels.  Stick around and see who schmears whom.

      Posted by Carl H on 2006 02 22 at 09:41 PM • permalink


  1. Anyone else got any internet gems?


    Seriously not safe for work.

    Posted by Dan Lewis on 2006 02 23 at 05:22 AM • permalink