Customers may become bitter, cling to guns

Last updated on May 20th, 2017 at 07:24 am

Earth Day is so named because that’s the day all your purchases fall to the ground as you leave Whole Foods:

Come next Tuesday, in a move flagrantly timed to coincide with Earth Day, the Whole Foods supermarket chain will no longer offer its customers the plastic bag option.

That’s especially bad news for Arugulan Americans like Barack Obama, who currently struggle to afford their arugula – a bitter vegetable, coincidentally – and now have no means of carrying it. In other stunning Earth Day developments:

Celebrities are Going Green for Earth Day

Posted by Tim B. on 04/19/2008 at 03:41 PM
    1. On Saturday, April 26, soap star Lauren Koslow will sign eco-friendly bags at Universal Studios’ Eco Fair.

      Hope those bags aren’t plastic, Lauren!

      Sorry, but this seems like a sort of “B-List” of celebrities, doesn’t it? Lauren Koslow (“soap star”), Amber Valletta (pretty, but who she?), Meshell Ndegeocello (is that a person or an archaic musical instrument).

      Posted by paco on 2008 04 19 at 04:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. Why, I go green every March 17th!!  And for several days thereafter…

      Posted by Tex Lovera on 2008 04 19 at 04:48 PM • permalink

 

    1. Customers of Whole Foods:
      We Are Serious About Reducing
      Our Carbon Footprint, Are You?
      In our quest to save the Earth
      Management has chosen
      To turn off all units that
      Keep foods cold or frozen.

      Our meats and fruits and veggies
      Have grown moss or turned brown,
      Which you may not notice since
      We turned the store lights down.

      If the smell makes you so sick
      That you should wish to die,
      See our butcher, Sweeney Todd;
      He makes Earth-friendly pie.

      Posted by lyle on 2008 04 19 at 05:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. No more plastic bags?

      Well, I guess then there’s no way for me to dispose of the, er, poop that The Beast will deposit on the sidewalk in front of the Commie Store.

      But hey! It’s natural and earthy!

      Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2008 04 19 at 05:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. Come next Tuesday, in a move ‘fragrancely’ timed to coincide with Earth Day, the Whole Foods supermarket chain will no longer offer its customers the plastic bag option.

      Not a nice fragrance.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 04 19 at 07:19 PM • permalink

 

    1. “Plastic bags must all be banned!”
      The Greens were heard to twitter.
      “We’ll make it law across the land,
      And enforce it on neocons bitter.”“Only cloth will hold our stuff,
      Our virtue will outshine the sun!
      We can only hope it will be enough
      For Gaia’s divine will to be done.”

      Out came the B-list stars in force,
      Their support for the idea to show.
      This turned out a total bust, of course,
      For their names almost no one did know.

      Posted by Infidel Librarian on 2008 04 19 at 07:27 PM • permalink

 

    1. The Whole Foods store in the town where I live, which is both incredibly affluent and incredibly liberal, has such a problem with gas guzzling Lexus SUV’s competing for parking spaces, complete with horns blowing, soccer moms screaming, and “uncivil” gestures, that they’ve had to hire off duty cops to keep order.  And that’s just in the parking lot.  I can’t stand shopping there myself—besides finding a parking space, it’s just too hard in that store to find regular food that a regular guy can eat, plastic bags or no plastic bags.

      Posted by Frank the Yank on 2008 04 19 at 10:11 PM • permalink

 

    1. $300 million buys a lot of bullshit…

      Posted by mojo on 2008 04 19 at 11:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hope those bags aren’t plastic, Lauren!

      Cue boobjob joke.

      I also wonder what exactly she’s going to sign with. Pens tend to be made of plastic – bad! Pencils made of wood = even worse! I guess that leaves finger colours.

      Posted by PW on 2008 04 20 at 12:04 AM • permalink

 

    1. I guess that leaves finger colours.

      How about quills?  The greenies can harvest the feathers from roadkill.  Or maybe pluck them from the birds on the run.

      But I have to agree, finger painting seems more appropriate for greenies.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 04 20 at 10:58 AM • permalink

 

    1. #2—As do all the beer-speaking peoples of the world.

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2008 04 20 at 02:13 PM • permalink

 

  1. Funny, I recall working in a grocery store back in the day when they first rolled out the plastic bags, and we were all grumbling about them little newfangled things then. We were just early environmentalists!

    Just as well. You can use leftover plastic bags to carry lunch to work, but PAPER grocery bags—that’ll work as luggage when flying!

    Posted by Shaky Barnes on 2008 04 21 at 12:27 PM • permalink