Collingwood will defeat the Adelaide Adeladies on Friday night. This is causing a certain tension in the office, due to the editor’s fondness for his Lutheran hometown moselle punks. Let’s calm things down.
• “I reckon even if my own life depended on Collingwood winning, I’d still want them to lose.”
• “I’m going for the pies, even went to the extreme of getting all my teeth removed, having a frontal lobotomy and smearing all my clothes with excrement. Sad thing was no matter how I then seemed to fit in, I was judged to be too hygenic, too intelligent and too well dressed to be a member of their jeer squad.”
• “kan tha pyes!! sory, lobotomy in ful efekt, carnt andurstend ur poost, sudin erge too steel a kar, rob a patrol stashun and kik the carp oot if me wif.”
• “The preferred result would be for a mysterious toxic vapour to enter the ground and turn everyone inside to ash.”
• “Why would you deem it delusional to hate Collingwood? It seems absolutely natural to me.”
• “Usually when it’s Collingwood vs. Adelaide I hope for a nil-all draw, or maybe a big terrorist attack.”
UPDATE II. Uh-oh:
Further to my earlier conversation with Editor David Penberthy, I write to confirm that the opinion pages will now be edited by a severed pig’s head named Darren Millane. This is effective immediately.