SHUT UP, PARIS!

England’s bowling plans for the Fourth Test were revealed this week. And so were other plans; for example, behold Paris Hilton’s plan for the establishment of a polycultural inter-species technological-biological matrix:

1. By implementing a chaos theory-libertarian theology “glimpse thesis” across boundaries defined by Hegel and Kropotkin – in its way, an antithesis of the merged stasis suggested by Santayana, the discredited Vienna Proposal, and post-Darwinian tubal logic – one first seeks to subvert the 14 paradigms at the core of modernist shadow-thought.

2. Post-deconstruction, the elevation of a resolved Marxian position on . . . (continues for 418,000 words)

I am so tired of Paris talking about this.

Posted by Tim B. on 12/29/2006 at 12:13 PM
    1. An acquaintance from Denver is bitching about getting his eco-car (Prius) stuck in the snow 10 times on the way to the grocery. I guess getting lapped by ‘64 Beetles was too much for him and told the inconvenient truth about his ride.

      Posted by Some0Seppo on 2006 12 29 at 12:45 PM • permalink

 

    1. Sure that’s not MentalFloss?  Sounds close to the arguments he was giving me on the issue of Egyptian hierogphyics vs. Sumerian cuneiform.  Of course, due to my extreme notions of courtesy and civility and my lack of a dictionary, I refused to lower myself by responding to his baseless assertions.  I believe my riposte was “so you say sir, so you say”.

      I do think I came out looking like the better person as a result.  And yes, a man of knowledge and distinction.

      Posted by wronwright on 2006 12 29 at 12:45 PM • permalink

 

    1. does post-deconstruction = reconstruction? and if so, what’s the bidding process?

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 12:48 PM • permalink

 

    1. Didn’t I see something similar to #1 in a recent Detective Paco thriller?  Something about better train service or something?  Just asking.

      As some of the leading intellectuals of my time used to say;

      One pill makes you larger
      And one pill makes you small
      And the one that mother gives you don’t do anything at all.

      Posted by yojimbo on 2006 12 29 at 12:56 PM • permalink

 

    1. And just what is the bleeping elevation of a resolved Marxian position on anything?

      And does it change if said <redacted> Marxist pontificated his/her/its position on an Indian island? The world is waiting.

      Posted by yojimbo on 2006 12 29 at 01:10 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, come on.  Okay, modernist shadow-thought I’ll give you, but Paris Hilton wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit her in the ass.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2006 12 29 at 01:10 PM • permalink

 

    1. #2: I believe my riposte was “so you say sir, so you say”.

      Are you sure it wasn’t, “And you’re another one!” ?

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 01:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. Reading Paris Hilton’s comments made me hot.

      Posted by swassociates on 2006 12 29 at 01:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. #6, RebeccaH:

      Paris Hilton tubal bit ass. I dare you to pass that through a “guy logic” simulator and then tell us what you think we thought you meant.

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 01:26 PM • permalink

 

    1. #6, RebeccaH:

      “…but Paris Hilton wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit her in the ass.”

      Good point. But then I wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit me in the ass.

      Posted by ErnieG on 2006 12 29 at 01:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. By implementing a chaos theory-libertarian theology “glimpse thesis” across boundaries defined by Hegel and Kropotkin – in its way, an antithesis of the merged stasis suggested by Santayana, the discredited Vienna Proposal, and post-Darwinian tubal logic – one first seeks to subvert the 14 paradigms at the core of modernist shadow-thought.

      Then, cook over low heat for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serves six.

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 01:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. Kropotkin? You mean …

      “The two great movements of our century—towards Liberty of the individual and social co-operation of the whole community—are summed up in Anarchist-Communism.”

      …that Kropotkin?

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 01:48 PM • permalink

 

    1. I’m just hoping that Paris Hilton would become an expert on tubal ligation!

      Posted by yojimbo on 2006 12 29 at 01:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. #12: Hmm. Maybe she meant Kreskin.

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 01:51 PM • permalink

 

    1. #14, paco:

      Well, I aint know scientizer but goin on some of the context, I’m willing to bet she
      Kant have meant Krugman.

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 02:01 PM • permalink

 

    1. I am wondering if her reference to Santayana is meant to imply that we should repeat those things we find difficult to remember in a continuous loop until we think of something else to do?

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 02:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. Grimmy, no, I think she was talking about that guitar player from San Francisco.  First name of Carlos, IIRC.

      Posted by David Crawford on 2006 12 29 at 02:11 PM • permalink

 

    1. Your link to the leaked English bowling plan is broken. The actual document may be found here.

      Posted by Paul Zrimsek on 2006 12 29 at 02:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. #17: Former guitar player. He later took up the clarinet and moved to L.A., where he founded the famous Santayana Winds.

      Posted by Paul Zrimsek on 2006 12 29 at 02:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. #6…but Paris Hilton wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit her in the ass.

      This claim would have more currency if worded, ‘…bit her on the ass’, otherwise Paris may find the suggestion inviting. One can imagine her approaching the hotel’s concierge with a lascivious request, ‘Can you get me some post-Darwinian tubal logic ? I’m so over post-Californian hamster logic’.

      Great article Tim.

      Posted by JAFA on 2006 12 29 at 02:21 PM • permalink

 

    1. #15: Oh, you’re right, there, Grimmy. Krugman is what you might call the most “falsifiable” economist anywhere, hands down.

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 02:56 PM • permalink

 

    1. #10 Good point. But then I wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit me in the ass.

      Nor do any of us, if we’re sane.

      #9, Grimmy, I wouldn’t presume to guess.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2006 12 29 at 03:08 PM • permalink

 

    1. I always thought that Paris Hilton was one smart cookie but Tim, I had no idea she was that smart!

      Posted by Bonmot on 2006 12 29 at 03:44 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, I think MentalFloss would certainly bow down before the superior being that is Paris Hilton.  We only export our top crack whores to our allies, you know.

      Tim, if Paris indicates any desire to go swimming while she’s down there, could you please stock the nearest ocean with stingrays, saltwater crocodiles, great white sharks, poisonous sea snakes, and those spiny urchins that kill you instantly if you step on them?  Your endearingly horrifying native fauna could probably use a change in diet.

      Posted by ushie on 2006 12 29 at 03:45 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, come on.  Okay, modernist shadow-thought I’ll give you, but Paris Hilton wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit her in the ass

      Hey didn’t I see that on video, hang on theres a copy here somewhere.

      Posted by surfmaster on 2006 12 29 at 04:22 PM • permalink

 

    1. Did anyone else think he meant Paris, France when first reading the title to this?

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 04:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. I notice that Paris Hilton has probably faced more balls than the combined English batting line up.

      Posted by curious george on 2006 12 29 at 05:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. I hope her tubes are confiscated so she can’t reproduce.

      Posted by andycanuck on 2006 12 29 at 05:10 PM • permalink

 

    1. It disgusts me how everyone seems obsessed with Paris’ intellectual acumen while ignoring her physical attributes. Perhaps you could all be a bit more sensitive and pay some attention to her appearance, eh?

      Posted by JDB on 2006 12 29 at 05:39 PM • permalink

 

    1. It disgusts me how everyone seems obsessed with Paris’ intellectual acumen while ignoring her physical attributes. Perhaps you could all be a bit more sensitive and pay some attention to her appearance, eh?

      Okay. She looks like a worn-out department store mannequin that fell into a vat of K-Y jelly.

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2006 12 29 at 05:45 PM • permalink

 

    1. Okay. She looks like a worn-out department store mannequin that fell into a vat of K-Y jelly.

      Yep. I’ve seen more wholesome looking women inside strip clubs.

      Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 29 at 05:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. So it’s true – monkeys typing randomly can generate something – I wonder how long Paris had to wait though.

      Posted by Louis on 2006 12 29 at 06:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. Paris Hilton makes my list of women who would be better with a burqa

      what was that thing Iron Mike said about Australia producing dumb , talentless blondes?

      Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 29 at 06:58 PM • permalink

 

    1. #33, eeniemeenie:

      I googled UK blonde to try to come up with a pic of a “dumb blonde” that I could claim was Aussie (having forgotten that Iron Mike’s dumb Aussie blonde was also a brunette) and found this 🙂

      Company in blonde

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 07:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh waite, mod..Andrea..sorry. I thought it was a order page, didnt “drill down” any before posting.

      My bad.

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 07:06 PM • permalink

 

    1. Yikes!  Grimmy, none of those services would hire Paris.  Even pimps have standards.

      As to her appearance, it is disquietingly like that of a Chihuahua on two legs with a YSL scarf tied around its neck.

      Posted by ushie on 2006 12 29 at 07:46 PM • permalink

 

    1. #33 what’s Australia got to do with producing Paris Hilton?

      Posted by KK on 2006 12 29 at 08:02 PM • permalink

 

    1. Ok, Andycanuck, I suppose you’ll be telling us you’re not responsible for this.

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 08:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. The discredited Vienna Proposal – Ewwww!

      Posted by Craig Mc on 2006 12 29 at 08:19 PM • permalink

 

    1. Paris hilton Bah!!
      I’ve always been pertial to the sexual charms of French Women personnaly. Not only is their sex appeal intuitive and natural rather than manufactured, but they are not averse to a little intellectual conversation as veiled flirtation to set up the inevitable.
      Clive James, as a,young man would have been well aware of such opportunities in his frequent trips to “la belle france”.
      There’s nothing quite like discussing,Jean paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, to stimilate the appetite and fantasies whils sharing a petit cafe in St Gernain des pres with a sparkling French etudiante of the ecole des beaux Arts.
      Ah! I remember this type of flirting fondly!

      Posted by davo on 2006 12 29 at 08:23 PM • permalink

 

    1. BTW, why is everyone down on dumb, shallow, rich, horny blondes all of a sudden?

      Posted by Craig Mc on 2006 12 29 at 08:32 PM • permalink

 

    1. Well as Umberto Eco used to say, paraphrasing Gertrude Stein, A Rose is the name of a Rose, so Paris has palpably advanced the paradigmatic deconstuction of the postmodern pardigm with what Foucault would have described as a classical, indeed archetypical example of obscurantist terrorism. (Actually if you can find anything about obscurantist terrorism in there you are doing better than me, but google turned it up, so there!). Actually this is more helpful in case you are really interested.

      Anyway I have to be off to the pub to see if the English game plan for the fifth test has been posted on the notice board.

      Posted by Rafe on 2006 12 29 at 08:35 PM • permalink

 

    1. #37 nothing- just we have been accused of being the world’s leading exporter of DTB’s by someone in a country responsible for the dumbest least talented blonde of all.

      Q: What is it called when another blonde blows in paris hilton’s ear?
      A: Data transfer.

      Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 29 at 08:47 PM • permalink

 

    1. BTW, why is everyone down on dumb, shallow, rich, horny blondes all of a sudden?

      I resent that accusation. I haven’t been down on one in quite a while.

      Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 29 at 08:52 PM • permalink

 

    1. I just wanted some ice for my drink, paco, while trying to drink Canada dry—is that a crime?

      Posted by andycanuck on 2006 12 29 at 09:06 PM • permalink

 

    1. If two post-darwinists sue each other, is that a tubal litigation?

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 12 29 at 09:37 PM • permalink

 

    1. I’m still trying to figure out the possible connection between Paris’ tubes and the vegemite tubes from the other thread…

      Posted by PW on 2006 12 29 at 09:42 PM • permalink

 

    1. #47, PW:

      What’s to figure? Vegemite has to come from somewhere dank and nasty, afterall, right?

      Posted by Grimmy on 2006 12 29 at 09:48 PM • permalink

 

    1. Paris Hilton – I wouldn’t recommend it. An enormous gauche lobby, but the discreet rear entry had some charm.

      Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 12 29 at 09:51 PM • permalink

 

    1. #45: Oh, no, that’s fine by me. But it looks like you didn’t leave any for WimpyCanadian.

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 10:17 PM • permalink

 

    1. #6

      Paris Hilton wouldn’t know post-Darwinian tubal logic if it bit her in the ass?

      Paris Hilton wouldn’t know post-Darwinian ass logic if it bit her in the tubal.

      Posted by triticale on 2006 12 29 at 10:30 PM • permalink

 

    1. #50 Wimpy’s currently in Oz, paco, so hard cheese to him. [We beat the Germans today and the Americans two days ago in the Junior series, BTW, Wimpy.]

      #49

      An enormous gauche lobby, but the discreet rear entry had some charm.

      I believe that’s “douche”, Infidel. (Ah, the joys of being from a bilingual country.)

      Posted by andycanuck on 2006 12 29 at 10:59 PM • permalink

 

    1. #52: Er, “junior” series, Andy? What’s that? Oh, wait a minute. In case this is cricket you’re talking about, never mind.

      Posted by paco on 2006 12 29 at 11:10 PM • permalink

 

    1. #40, Davo, [i/]remember [i/] such flirting?

      I’ve been dying to experience such flirting…in person…

      Name a bar and I’ll meet you in the booth second from the back. Must have room to manouevre…

      oh, and a sparkling water with a spritz of lime, s’il vous plait..

      Posted by carpefraise on 2006 12 30 at 01:09 AM • permalink

 

    1. No, it’s hockey, paco, or as they call it Down Under (and I think in Britain too) ice hockey from the annual Christmas to New Year world junior hockey championship with this year’s being held in Sweden.

      Posted by andycanuck on 2006 12 30 at 02:00 AM • permalink

 

    1. We beat the Germans today [in hockey]

      Like that’s a surprise or anything. I half-suspect you could put the German world champion field hockey team on ice skates and they’d do better.

      Posted by PW on 2006 12 30 at 04:58 AM • permalink

 

    1. #16- I thought it had something to do with the Alamo.

      Posted by Habib on 2006 12 30 at 09:35 AM • permalink

 

    1. Thank you for your kind offer Fraise de Carpe.
      As one reaches a period which can be described as approaching one’s sell by date, such offers in subtle prose are heartwarmimg.
      Indeed as the world turns around at a million miles an hour and our senses are assailed daily by loud and discordant intrusions, is it not wonderful to return to the noble art of subtle flirting, conducted of course at Adagio speed, so that each moment of anticipation can be fully savoured before the final consummation of desires.
      A bottle, as you say of sparkling water with a soupcon of lime. Wonderful- who needs Alcohol when one has passion in one’s heart!

      Posted by davo on 2006 12 30 at 04:35 PM • permalink

 

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