ROVE’S BRILLIANT PLAN

Democrat congressman Maurice Hinchey, speaking on CNN, persists with the idea that Karl Rove devised the fake Rathergate memos:

It doesn’t take an awful lot of imagination if you’re thinking about who it is that might have produced these false documents to try to mislead people in this very cynical way. It would take someone very brilliant, very cynical, very Machiavellian, and it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to come up with the name of Karl Rove as a possibility of having done that.

Is Karl Rove truly that brilliant? Using contemporaneous reports and several eye-witness sources, this site is able to reconstruct the events of last August at Evil Rove Headquarters, located many miles beneath the earth’s surface:

(Rove enters the Chamber of Destruction and greets his assembled operatives)

Rove: Gentlemen. Ladies. Mr. Gannon. Mr. Murdoch.

(Various responses: “Hiya!” “Howdy.” “G’day.”)

Rove: People, you have done good work. You have tirelessly attempted to undermine John Kerry’s bid for the presidency. And yet the latest polling shows that Kerry may still win.

(Murmured complaints: “Dang!” “This is soooo not happening.” “Can’t compete with a Magic Hat.”)

Rove: Silence! I cannot tell you how much this disappoints and angers me.

(An assistant appears at Rove’s side with a baseball bat. He is waved away)

Rove: But now is not the time for fault-finding, or skull-crushing. Now is the time for action. Serious action. In fact, the most serious action it is possible for us to undertake.

Murdoch: You don’t mean … ?

Rove: Yes. It is time for us to deploy the Doomsday Device.

(Several reel from the table in shock; two are ill)

Rove: Mr. Gannon, please fetch the Device. And put some pants on, for God’s sake.

Gannon: Y-yes sir. Right away, Mr. Karl, sir.

(Gannon exits the room; the anxious conspirators listen as the sound of several vaults being sequentially opened echoes throughout the Chamber. Presently Gannon returns, carrying a briefcase)

Rove: Open it.

(Gannon enters the security code—DAILYKOS—and the briefcase springs ajar. Looking away in fear and torment, he nudges the briefcase towards Rove)

Rove: And now it is time. Time to unveil our most hideous, most perfect plan. (Rove grips the briefcase with both hands) Do you people truly know of the evil that man can attain? Do you know of the Dark Lord’s majesty? Do you know of a terror so sublime that any lesser atrocity—Salem; the Holocaust; our coming assassination and cannibalism of the Pope—will from this point on make you giggle like little girls? Behold!

(Rove removes from the briefcase several sheets of paper. He studies them intently; every eye in the room is trained upon him. Finally, Rove speaks …)

Rove: This is the frickin’ Doomsday Device? A bunch of bogus National Guard memos? What the hell?

Clarence Thomas: Well, what we thought we’d do, see, was hand these over to the media and …

Rove: Oh, come on! These are dated 1972 but they’re in Microsoft Word! Hellloooo! You think anybody in their right mind will fall for these? Oh, look here; you haven’t even changed the default settings! Why, I could type these up at home!

Ann Coulter: With respect, sir, the plan was to …

Rove: Plan? Plan? Listen, legs, this plan wouldn’t fool a Kennedy! Or a crack-addicted homeless person! This so-called plan wouldn’t rate a segment on Air America! This plan I’m looking at wouldn’t be posted at Democratic goddamn Underground! This half-assed, retard plan isn’t worth the …

Hugh Hewitt: Actually, we were thinking of giving the memos to Dan Rather.

Rove: Proceed.

Posted by Tim B. on 02/23/2005 at 10:22 AM
    1. Gotta Love it.  The Dooomsday Device.

      Do you have a future in the film industry?

      Posted by wilde karrde on 2005 02 23 at 12:05 PM • permalink

 

    1. They seek him here, they seek him there. Those Democrats seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven…or is he in hell?  That damned elusive Karl Rove!

      Posted by BruceW on 2005 02 23 at 12:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. I think Hinchey’s got a crush on somebody…

      Posted by Aaron – Freewill on 2005 02 23 at 12:33 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hey, tim, speaking of Karl The Evil, did he ever hit your Paypal button?  If he didn’t, perhaps you shouldn’t be releasing these secret tapes that you made during that conference.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 02 23 at 12:58 PM • permalink

 

    1. Now that’s funny.

      Posted by Veeshir on 2005 02 23 at 01:05 PM • permalink

 

    1. Love it! I can just imagine Rove saying “Proceed” while he does the little Captain Picard movement with his shirt.

      I tried to manually trackback to this, since I posted about it on my own blog, but I’m getting an error.

      Posted by klywood on 2005 02 23 at 01:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. I have a followup post with comments at the link below.

      Rathergate: Rove’s Brilliant Plan

      (For some reason attempting trackback generated an error from your site.)

      Posted by PajamaHadin on 2005 02 23 at 01:14 PM • permalink

 

    1. I read the Democratic Underground regularly just to see what nefarious schemes Karl Rove is supposedly up to that day. The moonbats have assigned near god-like powers to the man to manipulate people, places, and events and their Pavlovian response to nearly everything is to bark out “Rove!” Even if you believed only a tenth of the things Rove was supposed to be masterminding you’d still have to conclude that he’s the greatest evil genius of all time.

      If Rove is really behind the CBS memos then the Democrats are in real trouble.  He’s playing 3-D Vulcan chess while they’re playing checkers.

      Posted by Randal Robinson on 2005 02 23 at 01:25 PM • permalink

 

    1. Actually, Real_Jeff_S, Rove didn’t come through with the pay as promised. I warned Rove—warned him, but he didn’t want to listen. Thought he was more evil and all that and didn’t need anybody else. The naive booby. I made him what he is today. Yes. Now it can be told. It will be told.

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 02 23 at 01:29 PM • permalink

 

    1. “I have a cunning plan…”

      Posted by taspundit on 2005 02 23 at 01:30 PM • permalink

 

    1. “Proceed.”

      ROFLMAO!  😀

      Posted by Barbara Skolaut on 2005 02 23 at 01:31 PM • permalink

 

    1. Mel Gibson: Brilliant, Rovey. And how about one last twist of the knife?

      Rove: I do like the sound of that…

      Mel: After it’s done – when Rather’s a smoking crater and the whole Party’s all weepy and demented – we leak the truth.

      Rove: But surely–

      Mel: We leak to the dumbest Dem in Congress. He puts it about in public, and he’s a laughingstock. He looks mental, the Party looks like raving retards, and the real truth becomes… radioactive.

      Rove: Diabolical, Mister Gibson. But can we really find such a complete idiot?

      Posted by lyle on 2005 02 23 at 01:34 PM • permalink

 

    1. I recall an epic tale when guardians of the truth drove a sepent out of the White House Press room. This serpent was observed asking squishy questions. Shall we now eagerly anticipate their triumphant return, to challenge this US Congressman, who makes unsubstantiated charges against someone? Or, in a twist of fate, will this intrepid statesman produce evidence that Dr. StrangeRove not only launched these memos of Malice, but that he paralyzed every journalist, producer, researcher and legal counsel at CBS?

      Posted by Blue Hen on 2005 02 23 at 01:38 PM • permalink

 

    1. Nearly brilliant.  The only trouble with your story is that you have Rove in charge.

      We all know that Hewitt really calls the shots…

      Posted by shane on 2005 02 23 at 01:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. If Rove is the evil genius on the scale the left believes, I think that’s a pretty good argument for making Bush president-for-life. First of all, we need someone with omnipotent powers of manipulation advising the president. Second, would you really want to cross someone like that?

      Posted by Ernst Blofeld on 2005 02 23 at 01:48 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hey, Andrea, just how does Rove look in that Emperor Ming cape? I can see the slicked-back pointy hair and goatee but we really need a visual here.

      Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2005 02 23 at 01:56 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hillarious!  I’ll call him Dr. StrangeRove. Have you considered the (far-fetched) possibility that Congressman Maurice Hinchey himself was in fact a Karl Rove plant, kidnapped early on, brainwashed (ala the movie Telefon) and reinserted in society only to have his subliminal mission activated by the phrase, “Rathergate memos wild and deep.”?

      Posted by MCaldridge on 2005 02 23 at 02:07 PM • permalink

 

    1. Blair channels Iowahawk.

      Posted by Fitz on 2005 02 23 at 02:25 PM • permalink

 

    1. I take exception to this narrative.  It’s all wrong!  You said “(Rove enters the Chamber of Destruction and greets his assembled operatives)”… EVERYONE knows that Karl has only minions, not operatives!

      Posted by TennCon on 2005 02 23 at 02:26 PM • permalink

 

    1. Rep. Hinchey – “It doesn’t take too much imagination to come up with the name ‘Karl Rove.’”

      Translation – “TLuckily I have the required lack of imagination to come up with something so magnificently hare-brained.”

      Posted by Nightfly on 2005 02 23 at 02:29 PM • permalink

 

    1. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again Rove/Rice 2008.  Ok, I’ve never actually said it before.

      Hmmm, on second thought it does sound like Scooby Doo saying that he “loves ice”

      Guess that offically makes me an ABJM, “Anybody But John McCain”

      Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2005 02 23 at 02:54 PM • permalink

 

    1. I actually have the transcript of an earlier Rove meeting.

      Karl Rove: We need to boost the Chimperor’s poll numbers to accomplish our scheme to give Iraq’s oil to Halliburton. Any ideas?

      Dick Cheney: What if we were to send President Bush to Iraq to pretend to care about our soldiers?

      Karl Rove: Not good enough, we need an angle to feed to our supporters at Faux news and on Hate Radio.

      Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Perle: Blood Blood BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

      Karl Rove: Hmmmmm.

      Donald Rumsfeld: What if we do it on Thanksgiving, that will fool the knuckle dragging Jesusland sheeple, maybe he could have a turkey?

      Karl Rove: No! Turkey’s cost money which we could be using to give to our corporate masters, lets not waste it on the babykillers, we can use a Plastic Turkey instead!

      Condaleeza Rice: That be good massah!

      Dan Rather will be running a feature on this explosive new evidence next week.

      Posted by Ross on 2005 02 23 at 03:14 PM • permalink

 

    1. Mel: We leak to the dumbest Dem in Congress. He puts it about in public, and he’s a laughingstock. He looks mental, the Party looks like raving retards, and the real truth becomes… radioactive. 

      Unfortunately, Patty Murray and Mark Dayton were busy at the time…

      Posted by Vexorg on 2005 02 23 at 03:17 PM • permalink

 

    1. Jeez Tim, you and Kate of Small Dead Animals are really letting too many cats out of the bag re: the VRWC.  Been nice knowin’ ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!!

      Posted by Col Bat Guano on 2005 02 23 at 03:22 PM • permalink

 

    1. Coulter:..Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise –not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
      Rove: Who leaps out?

      ..so this would really prove the point that Rather and Mapes really are the blithering agenda journalists they’ve been made out to be?

      Posted by Selected Pete on 2005 02 23 at 04:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. Do you know of the Dark Lord’s majesty?

      Voldemort?  Now I’m getting a bit nervous.

      Posted by wronwright on 2005 02 23 at 04:30 PM • permalink

 

    1. Obviously phoney.  Rove would surely understand that anyone who called Coulter “legs” – whatever the accuracy of the moniker, however much in jest – would not live to see the scheme carried out.  In fact, might more likely find his forehead impaled on, and under, a spiked heel at the end of one of those . . . appendages.

      Posted by everyman on 2005 02 23 at 05:51 PM • permalink

 

    1. I couldn’t get the trackback to take either; I thought registering and logging might make the difference but it didn’t. My purpose in linking was to provide background on another Rove operation.

      Posted by triticale on 2005 02 23 at 05:55 PM • permalink

 

    1. Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,
      There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
      He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:
      At whatever time the deed took place – MACAVITY WASN’T THERE!
      And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known
      (I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)
      Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time
      Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!

      See the complete poem at:
      http://coral.lili.uni-bielefeld.de/Classes/Summer97/SemGS/WebLex/OldPossum/oldpossumlex/node11.html

      Posted by blogstrop on 2005 02 23 at 05:59 PM • permalink

 

    1. [ot]Coulter is the type who kvetches about those who appear weak, and knuckles under to those who appear strong. Rove appears strong, so she’d tolerate stuff from him she wouldn’t from other folks.

      ‘Sides, she tried anything Karl would use his Jedi mind tricks to make her dress in a maid’s uniform. 🙂 [/ot]

      Posted by mythusmage on 2005 02 23 at 06:21 PM • permalink

 

    1. Karl Rove is a frickin’ evil supergenius, dude. He should, like, have his own comic book and shit.

      Posted by rick mcginnis on 2005 02 23 at 06:49 PM • permalink

 

    1. I am dyin,that was brilliant.

      Has anyone sent Hinchey this link?

      Posted by terryelee on 2005 02 23 at 06:56 PM • permalink

 

    1. Very funny and very well done!!

      “Karl Rove is a frickin’ evil supergenius, dude. He should, like, have his own comic book and shit.”

      I agree. Also an action figure, with accessories.

      It’s sad to see a congressman believe these conspiracy theories. This is stuff you expect from the DU posters, not a congressman.

      As long as Democrats live in this fantasy world of conspiracy theories and ‘super duper Evil Rove’, they’ll never be able to figure out what they must do to win elections. They seem to prefer fantasy to reality.

      I was hoping to see a strong Democratic party. Guess it will be a while.

      Posted by CJosephson on 2005 02 23 at 07:06 PM • permalink

 

    1. triticale: trackbacks here are set on a five-second delay and have other anti-spam devices turned on. Pros: no trackback spam. Cons: sometimes trackbacks don’t work.

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 02 23 at 07:14 PM • permalink

 

    1. Well done, Mr. Blair.  Pretty accurate dictation, there.  😉

      I’m surprised that the DUers (and/or Rep Hinchey) haven’t thrown out the possibility that corporate media pressured Dan Rather to put the docs on the air, so the bush TANG story would die a terrible death.  Perhaps we’ll see a special on DemocracyNow!!!!!!!  *snicker*

      I guess even they know that Rather is a rabid democratic partisan.

      just Another Rovian Conspiracy, I suppose.  The Left has become the party of conspirazoids.  Heck, have you heard that the enviros are against Flouride?  For cryin’ out loud, that’s OUR’S!  (but I’m more than happy to help them over the cliff)

      Posted by St Wendeler on 2005 02 23 at 07:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. Odd. My trackback went right through. And I’m not even a member of the VRWC. (I’m a member of VCWC; though, and most of us are temporarily backing the VRWC.)

      BTW, Andrea, could you make that ‘notify me’ a default of ‘no’, please? I keep forgetting to uncheck it and get bombarded with emails from your admin address saying, “Someone just responded to your comm” (that’s as far as my program prints it).

      Posted by Kathy K on 2005 02 23 at 08:00 PM • permalink

 

    1. I’m still waiting for Tim to come up with the Christmas Day transcript from the the Chamber of Destruction where Rove tells his minions to “Release the tsunami!”

      Posted by John57 on 2005 02 23 at 08:00 PM • permalink

 

    1. OF course lefties prefer fantasy to reality, Chris. In their fantasies they are the wise, just ruling elite, yet in tune with “the people”, essential to society and superior to mere mortals who have to earn a living doing something useful. How unbearable reality must be by comparison. Why on Earth would they want to go there?

      Posted by Jim Geones on 2005 02 23 at 08:01 PM • permalink

 

    1. Fools! Don’t you know the real brains behind this operation is the seemingly harmless and dumb-looking Miss Beasley?

      Posted by Habib on 2005 02 23 at 08:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. “How unbearable reality must be by comparison. Why on Earth would they want to go there?”

      True. It’s all so much simpler when you can blame an evil ‘them’.

      “Fools! Don’t you know the real brains behind this operation is the seemingly harmless and dumb-looking Miss Beasley?”

      Agree 100%!! (I hope the evil Miss Beasley is included in any comic books, and/or action figures.)

      Posted by CJosephson on 2005 02 23 at 08:32 PM • permalink

 

    1. i’m pretty sure mr rove would say something like ‘i am the culmination…’

      Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2005 02 23 at 08:59 PM • permalink

 

    1. Kathy K: go into your profile (the “your account” link below the comment box) and go to email settings. Deselect the box next to “Enable email notifications by default when you post messages”. This will leave the “notify” box under the comments empty by default. (I will be adding these instructions to comment page soon.)

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 02 23 at 09:24 PM • permalink

 

    1. In fact, right now.

      Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 02 23 at 09:27 PM • permalink

 

    1. Shane — You got it all backwards.  Rove and Hewitt, think Monty Burns and Smithers:

      Burns/Rove:  Smithers, there’s a rocket in my pocket.
      Smithers/Hewitt: You don’t have to tell me that, sir…

      If only on the basis of height and hairline…

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 02 23 at 09:33 PM • permalink

 

    1. Cjosephson — Oh, hell, son, you should hear some of the crap that comes out of Maxine Waters that the US media never covers… like the freight cars of illegal handguns that are secretly given to gangbangers by the gummint to make sure more young black men die…

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 02 23 at 09:35 PM • permalink

 

    1. Absolutely brilliant work, Tim.  Karl will put the check in the mail.

      Posted by Roberts on 2005 02 23 at 09:39 PM • permalink

 

    1. John57 — Haven’t you ever heard Condi yell, “Release the meteor!”

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 02 23 at 09:40 PM • permalink

 

    1. Andrea, thanks! I’ve changed my settings.
      And, to bring the post back on topic, I’m still grinning over that ‘Proceed’.

      Would have been better if it said “Make it so.” But “Proceed” is good enough for this geek.

      Posted by Kathy K on 2005 02 23 at 10:10 PM • permalink

 

    1. richard —

      Was Condi’s order issued on Earth, or from Rove’s secret orbiting Death Star that also carries nuclear missles targeted at the Blue States, Western Europe, the Middle East minus Israel and the South American rainforest?

      Posted by John57 on 2005 02 23 at 10:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. I always think of tailoring machinery when I hear “Make it sew.”

      As for the VCWC, there ain’t no such animal. It’s either fuselage or empenage, but we welcome you as allies.

      Posted by triticale on 2005 02 23 at 10:39 PM • permalink

 

    1. Mo-reese “Moonbat” Hinchey does have quite an imagination.  Alas, he doesn’t have enough to realize he could be talking about his own cynical, paranoid rumor-mongering.

      Posted by JimC on 2005 02 23 at 10:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. Excellent, Mr. Blair.

      This posting will self destruct in 30 seconds

      Posted by El Cid on 2005 02 23 at 11:16 PM • permalink

 

  • Well damn self destructed before…damn stupid post…geezuz.

    Posted by El Cid on 2005 02 23 at 11:17 PM • permalink

 

  • Try this here shit, again

    Ahhh, success

    Posted by El Cid on 2005 02 23 at 11:21 PM • permalink

 

  • Proceed?  Aha!, there it is again.  The use of a Star Trek word or phrase without mentioning the show.  As if the writer doesn’t dare mention it for fear of the ridicule that possibly would ensue.

    Makes me wonder how many bloggers and their readers watched all 73 episodes of the original series.  (The other versions don’t count including the dreadful current version).

    I remember last year General Clark mentioned the possibility of someday funding a cloaking device.  A critic quickly jumped on the statement saying it was stupid to consider spending money on time travel.  Which, in turn, created an avalanche of comments from blog readers explaining the differences between a cloaking device (Romulan and Klingon versions) and time travel (by sun’s gravity or the Gate of Tomorrow).  Without, of course, saying anything about Star Trek.

    If blogs are influencing national and perhaps international issues and policies, does this mean that Star Trek is indirectly influencing the same?

    Of course, I ask this in a purely academic way and not because I’ve watched all 73 episodes 10 times each.  Because I haven’t done that at all.

    Posted by wronwright on 2005 02 23 at 11:23 PM • permalink

 

  • Oh hell, did a perfunctory people search here in the States, and there’s thousands of Hinchey’s. We are doomed.

    Posted by El Cid on 2005 02 23 at 11:31 PM • permalink

 

  • Mr. Blair,

    You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. And a total fruitcup. We are unworthy.

    Regards from Vermont.

    Posted by HelenW on 2005 02 23 at 11:53 PM • permalink

 

  • If Karl Rove is that good how come Bush didn`t win every state.

    Posted by raider580 on 2005 02 23 at 11:55 PM • permalink

 

  • Tim – You’re poaching Iowahawk’s territory and I like it.

    Posted by Tommy Shanks on 2005 02 24 at 01:02 AM • permalink

 

  • The evil Tim Blair should be charged with attempted murder!!! I almost died laughing reading this.

    Posted by DropDeadUgly on 2005 02 24 at 03:13 AM • permalink

 

  • wronwright — What the hell, Yeoman Rand was a hottie.

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 02 24 at 11:13 AM • permalink

 

  • Shiner was shootin’ outta my nose while I read this evil scenario!!&%#@!?  Too effin’ funny, Tim!

    Posted by Sylvan on 2005 02 24 at 05:05 PM • permalink

 

  • Don’t forget the Jews!  They helped, too.

    Posted by Mystery Meat on 2005 02 24 at 06:14 PM • permalink

 

  • Well, the name was Rovenblum in the old country…

    Posted by triticale on 2005 02 24 at 06:23 PM • permalink

 

  • Breaking news on the Hinchley-Rove front…

    Sean Hannity just had Hinchley on his daily talk show and totally roasted the man 😀

    Sean asked him for proof that Rove planted the memos, and Hinchley went into a long, drawn-out conspiracy theory put together on speculation and innuendo.  Sean kept taking the man’s mike feed down to make comments, and would then bring Hinchley’s mike back up, and he’d still be talking, having never noticed that he’d been interrupted and didn’t go on the air :D.  It was hillarious!

    I mean… even if his theory that the docs were planted were true, how on earth can this man prove that the documents were planted by Rove and not, say, Laura Bush or someone else?  He has no legs to stand on!

    Sean talked to Hinchley for more than an hour, and was never able to get one shred of real evidence from him :D.

    Posted by mamapajamas on 2005 02 24 at 07:08 PM • permalink

 

  • This is a classic conspiracy theory – the absence of evidence, in fact the existence of abundant evidence AGAINST the theory, is proof, not that the theory is a crock of s*it, but that the conspirators are fantastically cunning.

    If conspiracy theorists were held to account for the horses*it they spread when it is proved wrong, you’d see substantially lower productivity from these folks.

    Posted by PJ on 2005 02 25 at 12:28 PM • permalink