PREDICTIONS FOR 2005

List ‘em in comments.

Posted by Tim B. on 01/01/2005 at 05:29 AM
    1. I predict that this guy will be the new Glenn Reynolds. And that Glenn Reynolds will be the new Elvis Presley.

      Posted by Aarrgghh on 2005 01 01 at 06:38 AM • permalink

 

    1. James Wolcott snorting lines of ocikitty litter is Yahoo’s Most E-mailed Photo for July 23rd.

      Posted by Donnah on 2005 01 01 at 07:07 AM • permalink

 

    1. The U.S. will be blamed for global warming, global cooling, any flood, any drought, attacks by terrorists, attacks against terrorists, re-acting too quickly, re-acting too slowly, being too involved in other’s affairs, and not being involved enough in other’s affairs. Also bad breath, crotch rot, and hemorriods.

      The U.S. will get credit for, well, nothing.

      Sigh.

      One last prediction: Tim Blair will keep me laughing my ass off.  That one was easy.

      Anyway, Happy New Year.

      Posted by G Hamid USA on 2005 01 01 at 07:07 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that we will see at least one act of Leftist terrorism in the United States. No claims as to it’s size or it’s “success”, but the nihilists will try something and it will be the sort of thing one would call terrorism coming from jihadis.

      Posted by radtrad on 2005 01 01 at 07:11 AM • permalink

 

    1. radtrad, you’re probably right. I further predict that the culprit(s) will be white kids from affluent backgrounds, and that lefty “thinkers” will attribute their actions to poverty and racism.

      Posted by Aarrgghh on 2005 01 01 at 07:16 AM • permalink

 

    1. radtrad, you’re probably right. I further predict that the culprit(s) will be white kids from affluent backgrounds, and that lefty “thinkers” will attribute their actions to poverty and racism.

      Hello soul brother. ^_^

      On second thought – in a sense they have been doing this for years; from what I understand there are a number of eco-terrorist groups in the US that regularly carry out low level stuff (property damage with the potential to cause actual death, but not targeted killings). But this will be different, I think, because it will have death as it’s immediate goal and it will be aimed at rightists/Bush supporters/what ever you want to call them/ as such; it won’t be implicitly partisan any more.

      And yes, it will find defenders.

      Posted by radtrad on 2005 01 01 at 07:21 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict I will overdraw my bank account. Again.

      Posted by Andrea Harris on 2005 01 01 at 07:32 AM • permalink

 

    1. An Anti-Islamic terrorist group will emerge in Europe, attacking Islamic schools and mosques.

      By 2015, this group will have destroyed the Kabah.

      Posted by 2dogs on 2005 01 01 at 07:34 AM • permalink

 

    1. A conspiracy theory will emerge as to how the USA stopped aid reaching Tsunami victims, in order to benefit a US company. No evidence will be presented yet it will become received wisdom in leftie circles though constant repitition.

      Posted by Ross on 2005 01 01 at 07:34 AM • permalink

 

    1. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday.

      Repeat.

      Posted by Jim Treacher on 2005 01 01 at 07:41 AM • permalink

 

    1. Rachel Lucas will quit and unquit blogging 17 times.

      Posted by Laurence Simon on 2005 01 01 at 07:48 AM • permalink

 

    1. Farenheit 9/11 will win an Academy Award.

      Posted by notherbob2 on 2005 01 01 at 07:55 AM • permalink

 

    1. FarenHype 9/11 will not.

      Posted by notherbob2 on 2005 01 01 at 07:55 AM • permalink

 

    1. The United States will help the people topple Iran or Syria. Or both.

      The Israelis will be blamed for global warming.

      France will, in some way, shape, or form, embrace Sharia.

      A massive, catastrophic weather event will strike the eastern seaboard, incredibly claiming only one life: James Wolcott. He will be found dead at his keyboard, wearing only a pair of women’s underwear, clutching his “World’s Greatest Blogger” coffee mug.

      Posted by Aaron – Free Will on 2005 01 01 at 07:57 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that when you wake that the US will have donnated $350,000,000 USD to tsunami aid.

      Hey Hey its nice to be 12 hours behind in time!

      Posted by Mike SC USA on 2005 01 01 at 08:07 AM • permalink

 

    1. Donald Rumsfield will take out Helen Thomas with a judo chop during a press conference.

      John Howard will release an album of Midnight Oil cover songs.

      James Wolcott will be savagely beaten by babies.

      Osama Bin Laden will have breast reduction surgery.

      Andrew Sullivan will write a graphic column about his ingrown toe nail.

      The Diplomad will be unmasked as Mexican president Vincente Fox.

      James Lileks will win an academy award for his stirring lead roll in “The Juan Cole Story.”

      Kofi Annan will find a wallet on a NYC subway and return it to its owner.

      Dame Edna will be chosen as supreme Ayatollah of Iran.

      Jacque Chirac will fall ill due to severe constipation.

      Vladimir Puten will purchase a 50% stake in a dioxin plant.

      Theresa Heinz Kerry will reveal a cure for asthma involving pomegranites and Tenessee Whiskey.

      Posted by bob on 2005 01 01 at 08:22 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that all the predictions made here will come true at one time or another.  Off and on.  Or not.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2005 01 01 at 08:44 AM • permalink

 

    1. Predictions:

      – The US plus Israel and the ‘Joos who control all’ will continue to be be blamed for many of the world’s problems.

      – The UN will not solve one problem for groups it is trying to aid. In fact, it will create problems and bring distress to those on the receiving end of UN aid.

      – We’ll still be waiting for many UN documents pertaining to the Iraqi ‘Oil-And-Money-For-UN-Thugs’ fund.

      – George Bush will be accused of dirty tricks during the 2004 election, with lots of interesting ‘proof’ being available.

      – Iraq will still be attacked by those who wish to prevent democracy from taking root in that country but the attackers will not be able to prevent Iraqis from enjoying the freedom of democratic rule.

      – Christians and others, including non-Islamist Muslims, will continue to be converted, enslaved or killed by the Islamist Muslims. The ‘chattering classes’ will hardly notice except to caution us not to speak ill of the Islamists.

      – The moonbats will continue to find new ways to amuse us with their wit and wisdom.

      – There will be labor strikes in France this year.

      – Around the end of March, those of us experiencing winter will welcome spring.

      Posted by CJosephson on 2005 01 01 at 09:07 AM • permalink

 

    1. After constant hectoring by his fans, Lileks will agree to run for Senate in ‘08.

      Also, Dave Barry will decide to return to column writing after a mere six weeks of retirement.

      Tim Blair will be named “Blogger of the Year” by Time Magazine.

      (Hey, I can dream can’t I?)

      Posted by Dr Alice on 2005 01 01 at 09:17 AM • permalink

 

    1. Long shot, this one. The oil-rich Arab states of the Middle East will contribute to the tsunami-relief effort, which is largely aiding their Muslim brethren, in the same spirit as the massive generosity of the non-Muslim West.  We can only hope.

      Posted by Aussie In NY on 2005 01 01 at 09:19 AM • permalink

 

    1. ‘k,

      1. Activism becomes an art form

      2. Insurgents join IDF in jihad on terror.

      3.  The Guardian  supports GWB in UN reform

      4. Paris Hilton remains front page news

      5. Margo Kingston exposed as Liberal party double agent

      6. Vilification laws under pressure from libertarians yet supported by European Convention for Protection of Human Rights

      Posted by rog on 2005 01 01 at 09:41 AM • permalink

 

    1. Essendon will defeat Collingwood in a hard-fought Grand Final.  The final score will be 13-4-82 to 9-11-65.

      Posted by jlc on 2005 01 01 at 10:05 AM • permalink

 

    1. Bin Laden will admit that the love scene in the basement of the pawnshop in the movie Pulp Fiction was based on something that actually happened to him at an Eid party.

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2005 01 01 at 10:15 AM • permalink

 

    1. Ooh, I’ve got another one: I finally get off my ass (that’s “arse” in British) and ask Mrs. DuToit for help with this Pmachine thing.

      Posted by Andrea Harris on 2005 01 01 at 10:24 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict Yassir Arafat will still be dead… but I could be wrong about that.  Happy 2005 all.

      Posted by Teresa on 2005 01 01 at 10:30 AM • permalink

 

    1. Since 2001 you’d have to be an unalloyed optimist to hope that the new year would have no ugly surprises.
      On the bright side, however, the Palestinians might find new leadership and make some progress towards a peaceful coexistence with Israel (though why nobody wants to talk about the amount of Palestine that was converted to Jordan is a mystery to me).
      Iran might make some progress towards a free and democratic future, but, given the recent history, might continue to be a haven for and sponsor of islamofascists intent on nuking infidels.
      Saudi Arabia might cease to be the bankers and exporters of Wahabist theology throughout the world.
      North Korea might cease to be the ghoulish parody of stalinism that eats its young and old alike.
      Syria might realise that being the crossroads for jihadis paints them as a red dot inside a red circle.
      Lebanon might rediscover its cosmopolitanism and break away from all of the above.
      Robert Mugabe might retire and/or die.
      Sudan might stop its endless replay of mass persecution visited on the Darfur people.
      Indonesia might exert some control over militant fundamentalists, while relaxing its domination of West Papua, which was stolen by them in an action which should forever shame the world community, but raises not a peep.
      On the pessimistic side … no, I’ll spare you that.

      Posted by blogstrop on 2005 01 01 at 10:30 AM • permalink

 

    1. Chelsea will win the Premiership.
      Juventus will win the Champions League.
      St George will win the NRL Final.
      England (may) win the Ashes (or may not).

      Posted by Craig on 2005 01 01 at 11:25 AM • permalink

 

    1. Iraq will have its elections and Iraqis will have a government of their own which represents all Iraqis.  Many of the Left will continue to attack America for this stating that what has happened is all Bush’s fault and that they will continue the struggle.  Totally ignoring that the Iraq people are better off and enjoy their freedom.

      Posted by youngy on 2005 01 01 at 11:27 AM • permalink

 

    1. Have to agree that the usual dickheads will look for do anything to convince themselves that things in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places are getting worse and worse and that it is all the fault of evil Bushitler.  I also believe that the media will give these cretins full licence to come out with this crap without the opposing viewpoint being given.

      Posted by Craig on 2005 01 01 at 11:31 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that the Chicago Cubs will win the National Hockey League’s Stanley Cup. Strike or no strike. Damn I’m good!

      Posted by bt on 2005 01 01 at 12:17 PM • permalink

 

    1. I predict leftists will still call Bush Hitler, stupid, an evil genius, a Nazi, a Zionist and the President that nobody likes… in the same sentence.

      Posted by Leigh on 2005 01 01 at 12:22 PM • permalink

 

    1. Margo Kingston will use the phrase “we the people…” in reference to the need for the Howard Government to be brought down, despite it’s increased voter approval, etc.

      Posted by Richard_of_Oz on 2005 01 01 at 12:52 PM • permalink

 

    1. The US will blamed for causing the tsunami.

      The US will be blamed also when France doesn’t meet it pledge for relief.

      The US will be blamed for not giving more foriegn aid before hand. Which would helped people survive the Tsunami. Oppps That already happen.

      A Terrorist Attack will occur in the US, by the hands of group of Trust Fund Anarchist. The MSM will sweep it under the rug. ( Just like their parents have done all their lives, which is why their Anarchist ). Also one will be heard crying ” Why wont someone oppress me ?”

      Posted by Alien Grey on 2005 01 01 at 01:06 PM • permalink

 

    1. I perdict the MSM newspapers will hire a big name conservitive/libertarian blogger to write editorials.

      Posted by Mr. Blue on 2005 01 01 at 01:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. I predict Michael Moore will consume in excess of two million calories through the course of the year, all the while criticizing Americans for their greed and gluttony.

      Also, terrorist acts, in Iraq, will gradually diminish to the point that we will hear nothing of the goings-on in that country from the MSM, and will have to visit Chrenkoff’s site, or just go there ourselves to find out.

      Posted by Thomas on 2005 01 01 at 01:27 PM • permalink

 

    1. Tim Blair will be injured in a tragic hover bike accident.

      Posted by TimShell on 2005 01 01 at 01:30 PM • permalink

 

    1. Gnat will get a sibling.
      Jasper will continue to pine for Jello.
      Lileks will continue to tangle with James Wolcott and continue to win.

      Posted by Patrick Ian Banks on 2005 01 01 at 01:47 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hey, Tim, if you’re gonna give us a forum for predictions again, ya gotta go back to last year’s and give awards for correct ones!

      C’mon! What are we paying you for!

      Anyway, I predict – well, nothing. 2004 was such a smashing year (well, except lately) that I dare not fuck with the good juju.

      Posted by Dave S. on 2005 01 01 at 02:05 PM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that European governments will implement daring and radical, anti-terrorist policies that stop charging jihadis by taking away their credit cards.

      You know, after I get my 2005 Hoover bike, I can exercise and vacuum at the same time…

      Happy New Year, all!

      Posted by Adriane on 2005 01 01 at 02:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. Vegetarianism, exercise, sandalwood, patchouli, collectivist dogma, wealth redistribution and tie-dyed clothing are found to cause cancer. The world rejoices.

      Posted by Habib on 2005 01 01 at 02:19 PM • permalink

 

    1. Parramatta and Melbourne to win their respective football comps. Don’t ask me about union, can’t understand it. As for soccer – football with a ROUND ball –  you have got to be joking. Gridiron – can’t understand that either but at least the ball is the proper shape.

      Posted by Rafe on 2005 01 01 at 02:49 PM • permalink

 

    1. Throughout 2005, President Bush will make a habit of setting up coalitions to bypass the UN. He won’t denounce it; he’ll ignore it. The left will grow angrier and angrier as their favorite institution becomes permanently irrelevant.

      With the backing of the democratically elected Iraqi government, US forces will make incursions into Syria.

      Posted by lyle on 2005 01 01 at 03:39 PM • permalink

 

    1. The governments of the U.S., Australia, India, and Japan come together to pledge massive amounts of development aid to fix Kofi Annan’s wandering left eye. . . Shaking Spears

      Posted by Spear Shaker on 2005 01 01 at 03:42 PM • permalink

 

    1. Phil will finally disappear up his own fundamental black hole.

      Posted by crash on 2005 01 01 at 03:47 PM • permalink

 

    1. CBS will definitely turn up the heat to get the unedited Rathergate report out. It will be announced along with the retirement of Rather’s replacement.

      Posted by Abu Qa’Qa on 2005 01 01 at 03:47 PM • permalink

 

    1. Iowahawk’s list is better than mine.

      http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/

      Posted by Abu Qa’Qa on 2005 01 01 at 03:51 PM • permalink

 

    1. Castro dies, Wolcott inconsolable.  But for some reason Havana is the place to be on New Year’s Eve 2005/6.

      Posted by Iron Dave on 2005 01 01 at 03:54 PM • permalink

 

    1. The MSM will now be known as the TSM (Terrorist Sympathizer Media).

      This needs attribution, but I don’t remember where I read it. Sorry.

      Posted by Abu Qa’Qa on 2005 01 01 at 03:55 PM • permalink

 

    1. Canada will change its national anthem to “Peace Train” by the islamist formerly known as Cat Stevens.

      Posted by ForNow on 2005 01 01 at 04:11 PM • permalink

 

    1. A cure for Aids will be discovered in cigarettes.

      Posted by Tony.T on 2005 01 01 at 04:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. *Much of the tsunami aid money will be wasted or stolen.
      *Anti-globalisation activism will continue its decline as tens of millions more people in developing countries are lifted out of poverty.
      *The obscene orgy of American vilification will continue and increase on our taxpayer funded public broadcasters.
      *Links between The U.S.‘s reluctance to sign the Kyoto Protocol and the catastrophic Tsunami will be attempted by the looney Left.
      *America will continue to be blamed for everything that goes wrong!

      Posted by Brian on 2005 01 01 at 05:25 PM • permalink

 

    1. British Tories under Michael Howard will implode after the third successive general election rout, largely because Michael Howard’s support of compulsory identity cards splits and demoralises Tory party and hamstrings its campaigning strategy, with no clear blue water between it and (Tony) Blairism.

      Britain under returned Tony Blair-New Labour Government will become first First-World Failed State. Riots, breakdown of essential services, economic and property collapse leaves many householders with negative equity.

      Hard right-wing Party emerges in Britain.

      Posted by Kevin Dunn on 2005 01 01 at 05:51 PM • permalink

 

    1. Ted Rall will continue to be an insufferable asshole.

      Maureen Dowd will waste more oxygen.

      Osama bin Laden sends more tapes from his safely hidden hideout, exhorting his followers to die in the name of Islam.

      France will claim it’s moral superiority to lead the world based on percentages.

      Kofi Anan will claim that the tsunami relief efforts are illegal because they weren’t sanctioned by the UN before responding.  Calls for more UN funding from the US.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 01 01 at 05:53 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, and I will be wearing the same style of clothing for the next 321 days.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 01 01 at 05:54 PM • permalink

 

    1. Just had a look in the hover bike catalogue – the prices! I was hoping for a Harley but can only afford a Pee Wee 50

      Posted by graboy on 2005 01 01 at 06:06 PM • permalink

 

    1. Everyone at timblair.net will continue to bash the left, UN, France, global warming, ABC/SBS/SMH with the same lame accusations, sarcasm and bad jokes.

      Everyone at a similarly left blog will continute to do precisely the same with the opposite powers and issues.

      I will continue to cringe at both sides and continue in vain to insist I belong to neither.

      Posted by Nic White on 2005 01 01 at 07:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. nic white will be banned from timblair.net for being an egotistical smartarse.

      Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2005 01 01 at 07:29 PM • permalink

 

    1. oops. make that “an egotistical smartarse trolling for hits”.

      Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2005 01 01 at 07:32 PM • permalink

 

    1. Under the tutelage of James Wolcott, Nic White will complete his PhD in Egregiously Pompous Asshattery.

      Posted by Crispytoast on 2005 01 01 at 07:44 PM • permalink

 

    1. nic white. E.P.A.

      Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2005 01 01 at 08:02 PM • permalink

 

    1. 1. Peter Garrett, after a few more “mystery collapses” will resign from federal parliament.

      He will cite “health & family” reasons (wink wink) as a way of wriggling out of what has become his worst nightmare – actually becoming a member of the LOSING side. Why on earth would he want to spend another 3-4 years in political limbo?

      2. Unlikely predicition – he will finally follow the example of his lyric “It belongs to them – let’s give it back” by donating his own land to an Aboriginal organisation.

      Posted by simonX on 2005 01 01 at 08:08 PM • permalink

 

    1. Aww, leave Nic White alone, it must take a lot of effort to attempt to pull off moral superiority to both lefties and righties.

      More ontopic, I predict that 2005 will see the first medically documented case of a moonbat’s head actually exploding.

      Posted by PW on 2005 01 01 at 08:10 PM • permalink

 

    1. PS: And no, suicide by a gunshot to the head does not count, only spontaneous detonation.

      Posted by PW on 2005 01 01 at 08:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. Who said anything about moral superiority? I prefer moral inferiority myself 😉

      Posted by Nic White on 2005 01 01 at 09:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. Someone will explain what cricket is/does and I will actually understand it.

      France will turn Notre Dame over to the Jihadists; thereby allowing the cathedral to become Islam’s 564th holiest site.

      The US, Australia, and Israel will be revealed as mere tools of our alien overlords.

      Posted by ushie on 2005 01 02 at 03:42 AM • permalink

 

    1. In the US, more than one major Democrat will go off on a tear against the party leadership that will make Zell Miller look like Teddy Kennedy.

      The significance of this will be missed by those who remain loyal to the party leadership.

      Posted by bovious on 2005 01 02 at 03:45 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that Mr. Nic White will get his account suspended if he continues to bore me with his moralistic posturing. You’re a guest here, Mr. White: guests who criticize their host’s decor, cooking, and dinnertime conversation usually aren’t invited back.

      Posted by Andrea Harris on 2005 01 02 at 04:28 AM • permalink

 

    1. JAN—After what is perceived as small-scale success in attempting to pin the Pacific Rim earthquake and devastating tsunami that followed on George Bush, the Unrepentant Left steps up the blitz during the typically freakiest weather month of the year. Seattle-style rain in Southern California is attributed to Dick Cheney. A crushing ice storm in Chattanooga is attributed to Rummy. A two-week long below-zero cold snap in the Plains is attributed to First Lady Laura. When Las Vegas is hit with a foot of snow towards the end of the month, Barbara and Jenna are made to blame. Meanwhile, back in Realityville, Social Security reform is introduced, debated, voted up, and signed into law in a scant three weeks, and all is right with the sports world once more as the Pittsburgh Steelers notch their fifth world championship in pro football, decimating the Atlanta Falcons.

      FEB—Former President Jimmy Carter leads an international team to investigate vote fraud in the recently concluded Iraqi elections, shocking the delicate sensibilities of the Charles River crowd with blockbuster findings like A) The ballots were not in English; B) The Iraq media did not take sides; C) Less than 1% of the precincts had electronic voting machines; and D) None of the citizens were given “I Voted” stickers to slap on their clothing after casting their ballots. Carter’s thunder is stolen, however, by the United States Marines, who capture uberthug Abu Musab al Zarqawi as he is attempting to stuff a ballot box in Mosul. Drudge leaks a confidential memo only hours later that documents purportedly authored by an aide to Washington Governor Christine Gregoire containing instructions on stealing elections were found on the henchman’s person, but the revelation is lost in the ensuing celebration. Meanwhile, Ho-Lie-Wood once again offers some evidence that it just may—may, mind you—may be out of touch with middle America as Fahrenheit 9/11 is awarded Best Picture at the 2005 Oscars.

      (to be continued)

      Posted by otto on 2005 01 02 at 04:54 AM • permalink

 

    1. MAR—Fate, providence, karma, vibe, or just overall good times—whatever you want to call it—continue, as megathug Osama bin Laden is apprehended at the Charlotte international airport. The 9/11 mastermind, who had shaved all facial hair and was sporting a buzz-fade haircut, attempted to pass himself off as a member of the Duke University men’s basketball team (given yet another cushy first-round seeding by the NCAA tournament committee) but was nabbed by an alert TSA agent who noticed that the self-described power forward walked with a cane and could not straighten his right elbow past the forty-five degree mark. President Bush declares a national day of celebration, coinciding with March Madness Friday, and his weekend approval numbers as measured by a Fox News poll max out at the magic 100. Outgoing CBS anchor Dan Rather is dissuaded from leading his broadcast with a piece critical of the productivity lost by the impromptu holiday when network execs crush him with the overnights from Friday’s hoops coverage: 39.8/27.

      APR—The good times come crashing to a halt as the world deals with another tragedy and massive loss of life. Nearly 500,000 are killed or disfigured in Tehran as a nuclear missile explodes over the city. Al-Jazeera whips the Muslim community worldwide into a rage of hysteria as hour after hour of gruesome footage is aired, and all fingers are immediately pointed toward “the Jews” and their satanic enablers, America. In what easily could have turned into a Third World War/Armageddon outcome, the planet is saved…by the bloggers. Within twenty-four hours after the event, they have linked up an airtight body of evidence, complete with satellite photos, radar screen prints, and eyewitness accounts, showing that the missile was actually launched BY the Iranians, TOWARDS Israel (Jerusalem), but detonated prematurely due to faulty programming that is later found to be a sypware virus. The U.S., showing once again its callous disregard for the citizens of the world, pledges one billion dollars in aide, while France (“heroically and selflessly”, in the words of Paul Krugman) chips in with 1,733 euros.

      (to be continued)

      Posted by otto on 2005 01 02 at 04:55 AM • permalink

 

    1. MAY—Wall Street sends investors on the kind of crazy, vomit-inducing ride that the geniuses at Six Flags can only fantasize about. In the immediate aftermath of the Tehran holocaust, trading halts kick in 22 times over a five day stretch as the price of oil shoots up to over $100 dollars per barrel and the market loses nearly 3,000 points. The net loss in retirement/401k accounts amounts to trillions, and an ABC News/Washington Post poll shows the President’s approval rating at 3. Bush’s economic team, correctly seeing a buy-low, sell-high eventuality, then convinces the President to sign an emergency executive order declaring a temporary moratorium on the capital gains tax; whereby the Dow, bolstered by a muscular showing from Caterpillar and a bloodless overthrow of the corrupt mullah-ocracy in Iran, goes on an eleven day rally that recoups all of the losses and then tosses in a 3,200 point surge for good measure. Online brokerage servers crash daily from the load as 90 million people jump into the trading spree. As newfound riches are cashed in, tax free, consumer spending spikes by an astonishing 214 percent for the month and there is nary a 42 inch plasma to be found at Best Buy. By month’s end, the market has (“mystically”, in the words of George Stephanopoulos) settled back to level within .3 points of where it was before the disaster in Tehran, and gorgeous roses mysteriously bloom at the gravesite of Adam Smith.

      JUN—Just when the country and the world are ready for a much-needed breather, another cataclysmic event…as nearly half of the states comprising the formerly former West Germany, more recently formerly Germany, secede to form a new country, NeueRealDeutschland. Cleverly renamed So What Else Is New Germany, or SWEIN Germany, by online pundit Otto Parts (http://www.otto-parts.blogsport.com), the newborn nation’s constitution includes provisions forbidding the wearing of clothes by its citizens and mandating foot travel as the only means of transportation, prompting automotive giants Bavarian Motor Works and Mercedes Benz to announce plans to relocate to Navarre Beach, Florida and Victoria, Texas, respectively. Smelling more collusion between the Bush brothers and big business, MoveOn.org attempts to organize a nationwide protest rally called “Insourcing Is Evil” but crowds of 100 or more are reported only in San Francisco and New York City.

      (to be continued)

      Posted by otto on 2005 01 02 at 04:57 AM • permalink

 

    1. JUL—Life-sized dummies of professional golfer Vijay Singh are burned in effigy in San Francisco and New York City after Singh’s response to a reporter after the final round of the British Open golf tournament. Asked if men are better golfers than women, Vijay replies “Yeah”, setting off a firestorm of controversy. Singh, who has completed the first three legs of golf’s fabled Grand Slam by winning at Augusta (by two), winning at Pinehurst (by three, on a course so fast it was described by Jeff Sluman as “like playing on the moon”), and now at St. Andrews (by six, after four straight days of wind gusting to over 70 km/hr), is compared unfavorably to Osama bin Laden by the press and adds insult to the injured Left when he refuses to meekly bow to the PC goddesses, instructing Today Show co-host Katie Couric to “eat my shorts” after a five minute grilling rant disguised as an interview. Asked to comment on the fracas, Tiger Woods flashes his multi-million dollar endorsement-winning smile and says “Buy a Buick.”

      AUG—ANOTHER earthquake, of sorts, as Osama bin Laden reveals in an exclusive 60 Minutes interview with Mike Wallace that he has accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. Wallace, not even attempting to conceal his contempt, peppers bin Laden with a series of snide questions/comments (e.g. “But Mr. bin Laden…The Bible? You actually BELIEVE that garbage?”) that are calmly answered by the former mass murderer. Two days later, a body confirmed to be that of Wallace is found hanging from a stanchion on the set of the news magazine. CBS execs at first deny that it was a suicide, saying that Wallace was actually helping set up some lighting for his next interview (which was to have been with Charles Colson, the man credited for bin Laden’s conversion), but back off the line after it is revealed (via Drudge) that Wallace had actually been in treatment for chronic depression for over 30 years.

      (to be continued)

      Posted by otto on 2005 01 02 at 04:57 AM • permalink

 

    1. SEP—Defenders of artistic expression cheer the season debut episide of Desperate Housewives, which includes nearly 40 seconds of raw, full, unexpirgated hardcore sex. Despite protestations from ABC that it ran its typical “may not be suitable for some viewers” disclaimer at the beginning of the hour, the FCC levies a record one billion dollar fine on the network, which is immediately appealed in court. Viewer demos the following week match, almost to the neighborhood, the population that voted for John Kerry in 2004. Meanwhile, back in Realityville, the percentage of teens age 18 who have remained a virgin rises to its highest level (74%) ever.

      OCT—A slow month for news, punctuated only by a startling admission from actress Kirsten Dunst that she is, in fact, a man.

      NOV—Another slow month for news, punctuated only by a startling admission from actress Kirsten Dunst that she is, in fact, pregnant.

      DEC—The year ends on a relatively peaceful note. A total of 23 McDonalds restaurants have opened in Afghanistan and Iraq. The new capital of Iran, Esfahan (famously mispronounced by President Bush as “Estefan”, as in Gloria), houses a government of freely elected (Jimmy Carter’s opinion notwithstanding) citizen-legislators, moderately pro-Western, and several books are written about the power of the blogosphere in transforming the youth culture of that country. By mid-December, the population of SWEIN Germany is barely above that of the state of Montana. A vast majority of U.S. troops spend Christmas 2005 at home, with their loved ones, and a grateful nation (i.e. the red states) thank God for continued blessings and provision. Hillary Clinton gives her first openly campaign-styled speech, themed “End This Misery” at a rally in San Francisco, while a growing grassroots movement to Draft Ahnold takes shape through the internet. It is just another typical year for America, and the world…

      Posted by otto on 2005 01 02 at 04:58 AM • permalink

 

    1. -A gold rush in the land of the Americas. Pioneers reporting great nuggets the size of nuggets. Gonna saddle up my hoss and set out across the prairies of that great nation to stake my fortune.

      -Tim Blair hanged for stampeding cattle.

      -And a new iPod will be released with a toast-making facility. Eating toast becomes fashionable again.

      Posted by harry hutton on 2005 01 02 at 07:18 AM • permalink

 

    1. I predict that I will take a nap, and maybe eat some danish.

      Posted by Sortelli on 2005 01 02 at 10:22 AM • permalink

 

  1. I predict Otto will get his own blog, to work out his need to write novelette-length essays.

    Posted by Andrea Harris on 2005 01 02 at 04