NEVER REVEAL THE PURPOSE

A chilling email from Bird Observation & Conservation Australia:

Hello Mr Blair,

From our website statistics I notice that there were a significant number of access hits to our home page from timblair.net on 13 June 2007. Please explain what was generating these hits and their purpose.

Regards,
Webmaster

Posted by Tim B. on 07/23/2007 at 10:22 AM
    1. Oh, nooooooooooo. Surely you’re not actually including links when you make a post? Tim! How dare you?!

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 07 23 at 10:27 AM • permalink

 

    1. I just wanted to look at the pretty birdies! I swear!

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 07 23 at 10:28 AM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, Tim, you are in big trouble. These people want to know what you’ve done with the yellow duck.

      Posted by mareeS on 2007 07 23 at 10:32 AM • permalink

 

    1. We were looking for boobies and tits.

      Posted by Baron on 2007 07 23 at 10:32 AM • permalink

 

    1. Bwah, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!

      I await your next orders, Oh Dark Overlord!

      P.S.  Please don’t make me read Anthony Lowenstein’s web page again, Your Magnificence…

      Posted by kpom on 2007 07 23 at 10:33 AM • permalink

 

    1. Tim, don’t let ‘em haul you off to Gitmo.  Save yourself and your loved ones…..sing like a canary.

      Posted by Ubique on 2007 07 23 at 10:35 AM • permalink

 

    1. This could be your swan song.

      Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 07 23 at 10:39 AM • permalink

 

    1. Cheep bastards…

      Posted by mojo on 2007 07 23 at 10:45 AM • permalink

 

    1. Here’s the other link from the 13th.

      It would be tweet to get the Webmaster’s notice again.

      Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 07 23 at 10:48 AM • permalink

 

    1. A chilling email from Bird Observation & Conservation Australia

      BOCA?

      Sounds like some nefarious shadow organization to me…

      Wait a tick… keep the C, switch the A and the O… the B is pronounced almost like a P… what the…!

      It’s a conspiracy! Connect the dots, people!

      Posted by Dave S. on 2007 07 23 at 10:49 AM • permalink

 

    1. I believe it must have been this. I even got in a comment about my favorite extinct bird, the great auk.

      Obviously the association is worried about unfounded – unfounded, I say! – rumors concerning The Great Australian Bird Safari being arranged by Predatory Australians Clomping around the Outback. The shotguns are merely for personal protection against, er, rabid wombats. The birds won’t know what hit ‘em even know we’re there.

      Posted by paco on 2007 07 23 at 10:53 AM • permalink

 

    1. Helping today’s tennis balls survive tomorrow.

      Posted by rhhardin on 2007 07 23 at 10:56 AM • permalink

 

    1. Shuttlecock diplomacy!

      Posted by splice on 2007 07 23 at 11:01 AM • permalink

 

    1. Do you have any more Yellow-tailed Black-Cockatoos? The last batch was delicious.

      Posted by geoff on 2007 07 23 at 11:02 AM • permalink

 

    1. Yes, I can hardly wait for that Australian Bird Tasting Watching expedition. Do the airport security people have any objections to iron skillets in the carry-on luggage?

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 07 23 at 11:02 AM • permalink

 

    1. That e-mail from is for the birds.

      ;-P

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 07 23 at 11:03 AM • permalink

 

    1. Urrggggg!  Perveiw is my friend: “That e-mail from BOCA is for the birds.”

      BTW, I clicked on the BOCA link again, just so that anal web master can generate another “WTF?!?!?!” type e-mail in a month or so.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 07 23 at 11:05 AM • permalink

 

    1. The Same Advice My Lawyer Gave Me:

      They only suspect. Don’t despair.
      As far as they know, we were there
      By sheer accident,
      Without ill intent,
      They can’t prove a thing, Mister Blair.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 07 23 at 11:08 AM • permalink

 

    1. That’s what ya get for doin’ ‘em a good (noddy) turn. Ungrateful twit.

      Posted by SandiM on 2007 07 23 at 11:11 AM • permalink

 

    1. Avian contraband: Whatever you can comfortably fit in your Speedos.

      Posted by splice on 2007 07 23 at 11:14 AM • permalink

 

    1. Perhaps they’d prefer it if we communicated with them by carrier pigeon?  BOCA, sorry we ruffled your feathers there.  Didn’t mean to lay an egg on your server.

      Posted by rbj1 on 2007 07 23 at 11:16 AM • permalink

 

    1. Tim, your loyal minions await your orders for the next web site to flood with hits.

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 07 23 at 11:19 AM • permalink

 

    1. Hmmmm.

      First time I’ve ever seen anybody demanding an explanation for being linked *to*.

      Really whats next?

      “Dear Sir.  How DARE you link to us!  Driving traffic to our website?  That is completely beyond the pale!  Our website is designed to not be viewed by any living soul, and you Mr. Tim Blair have ruined this … “.

      Posted by memomachine on 2007 07 23 at 11:22 AM • permalink

 

    1. I would refer said Webmaster to Dick Cheney.
      And mention that 140-bit encryption is no longer sufficient.

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 07 23 at 11:22 AM • permalink

 

    1. #20, what used to be budgie smugglers before walmart or woolworths or whoever bought Speedo, now cannot smuggle budgies, because the fabric only lasts for a couple of swims. Very poor fabric.

      Posted by mareeS on 2007 07 23 at 11:25 AM • permalink

 

    1. The poor dears are obviously having a hard time adjusting to the world wide web, aren’t they?

      Posted by Patricia on 2007 07 23 at 11:26 AM • permalink

 

    1. Tell ‘em to duck off!

      Posted by egg_ on 2007 07 23 at 11:30 AM • permalink

 

    1. Further Lawyerly Advice Re: BOCA

      Ignore all their verbal attacks.
      They’ve nothing to go on. Relax.
      Omerta, my friend,
      Prevails in the end,
      Unless a damn stool pigeon cracks.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 07 23 at 11:38 AM • permalink

 

    1. Excuse me, but this is from Bird Observation and Conservative Australia, not a dangerous and heavily armed organization.  What are they going to do?  Paint a picture of you?

      Tell them to go fuck off.

      Or … on second thought … you could tell them the most evil plan imaginable.  Pass a chill down their spines.

      Dear BOCA,

      It’s unfortunate for you that you noticed our interest in your organization.  We must now eliminate all traces of your existence starting with you.

      Bawahahahahahahahaha.

      Posted by wronwright on 2007 07 23 at 11:45 AM • permalink

 

    1. A suggested response:

      Dear Bird Observation & Conservation Australia Webmaster. Consider it a good day when you get you get more hits in a single afternoon than during the remainder of the entire year.
      Oh yes, and piss off you whiny geek!
      Sincerely,
      Tim

      Posted by Texas Bob on 2007 07 23 at 11:54 AM • permalink

 

    1. Some webmaster. It took just a couple of minutes to scroll back to June 13 and find this.

      Posted by ErnieG on 2007 07 23 at 11:55 AM • permalink

 

    1. And it is good, O Great Overlord, that they have acknowledged Your omniscience of our intentions and purposes. Soon every bird conservationist will bow and acknowledge Your omnipotent omniscience over Your Dread Overlordship’s faithful minions!

      (Void where prohibited. While supplies last. Contact sales associate for details. Dry clean only. Keep out of reach of children.)

      Posted by Muslihoon on 2007 07 23 at 11:59 AM • permalink

 

    1. I just did what I assume all the rest of you did: hit the link in the hopes of freaking out Webmaster again.

      Posted by Retread on 2007 07 23 at 11:59 AM • permalink

 

    1. Please explain what was generating these hits and their purpose.

      we’re Bird Observation Observers. BOO!

      Posted by paulris on 2007 07 23 at 12:13 PM • permalink

 

    1. Pesky Avian Conservationists & Observers

      Posted by egg_ on 2007 07 23 at 12:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. People Against Conserving Owls.

      Posted by Muslihoon on 2007 07 23 at 12:30 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hummingbird tongues go particularly well with Sumerian mead.

      *waves to Media Watch gerbils*

      Posted by Pedro the Ignorant on 2007 07 23 at 12:45 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hello Mr Webmaster,
      We have noticed members of your organization observing us. Please explain what is causing this behavior, and its purpose.

      Regards,
      Birds

      Posted by bgates on 2007 07 23 at 01:09 PM • permalink

 

    1. We represent the Predatory Avian Consumers Organization. Fear Us.

      Posted by greene on 2007 07 23 at 01:25 PM • permalink

 

    1. Are birdwatchers as skittish as their little feathered friends? If you approached one who happened to be standing on, say, a pedestrian bridge, would he hurl himself into space, madly flapping his arms, only to splash into the creek below? Are they incensed by the sight of their reflections in windows? Do cats give them the frights?

      Posted by paco on 2007 07 23 at 01:28 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hello Mr Blair,

      From our website statistics I notice that there were no access hits to our home page from timblair.net on ever. Please explain what wasn’t generating these hits.

      Regards,
      Webmaster

      Posted by blogagog on 2007 07 23 at 01:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. They’re obviously hiding something. Could it be…I don’t know…maybe…a plastic turkey?-urkey?-urkey?

      Posted by ForNow on 2007 07 23 at 01:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. Tell them we were having a discussion on the best Australian bird feathers to use in erotic situations, and were using their site as a visual aid.  That should get his panties in a wad.

      Posted by Blue State Sil on 2007 07 23 at 01:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. Hello Webmaster,

      We were tallying up our roadkill life-lists, and found your site to be the best resource for identifying the colorful splotches of feathers and goo on Australian vehicles.

      Regards,
      Blairites

      Posted by Blue State Sil on 2007 07 23 at 01:57 PM • permalink

 

    1. #44: LOL!

      Posted by paco on 2007 07 23 at 02:02 PM • permalink

 

    1. I just want to assure Webmaster that we have nothing to do with the Preying on Avians by Cats Organization.  Nothing whatsoever.
      Those feathers?  Um, just a, er, um, pillow fight.  Yeah, we were having a pillow fight.

      Posted by rbj1 on 2007 07 23 at 02:31 PM • permalink

 

    1. The rest of you creeps may have been looking for boobs and tits, I was doing scientific research.  In addition to looking for boobs and tits, I reasoned, that if anyone has seen the rare plastic turkey the Bird Observation & Conservation Australia would have seen that bird.  Just because the turkey has breasts and legs made no difference to my purely scientific interest.  (I love saying boobs, tits, breasts and legs).

      Posted by Jabba the Tutt on 2007 07 23 at 03:07 PM • permalink

 

    1. Der Purpose MUST remain Der Secret UNTil Der Tag…

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 07 23 at 03:36 PM • permalink

 

    1. The Webmaster has obviously heard tell of our Mr. Blair.  Is s/he an avid viewer of MW?  A reader of Margo’s?  A fan of Ant’s?

      Be afraid, Webmaster.  Be very afraid.

      Posted by saltydog on 2007 07 23 at 03:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. He’s just worried about who watches the watchers. Or he thinks this site might be a bit cuckoo.

      Posted by andycanuck on 2007 07 23 at 04:20 PM • permalink

 

    1. #38. Thank you bgates.

      We’ve just used your lovely proforma.

      —Nick and Nora

      Posted by The Thin Man Returns on 2007 07 23 at 05:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. It was after midnight and a burglar had just broken into a very large house in an affluent neighborhood. Upon entering the house, he was very careful not to make a sound. As he crept around in the dark, he heard a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

      Stunned by the voice, the burglar came to a sudden halt, and remained motionless. After waiting a few minutes, once again, the same voice said, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

      Becoming a bit more frightened, the burglar took out his flashlight, turned it on, and glanced around the room. To his utter amazement, he saw a large birdcage with a parrot in it. The burglar chuckled quietly and said to the parrot “Did you say that?” The parrot repeated the same phrase again, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

      “You’re just a parrot!” said the amused burglar. “What is your name?” “Noah”, said the parrot. “Well then who is Jesus and where is he?” The parrot quickly answered, “Jesus is the Doberman and he is right behind you.”

      Posted by mojo on 2007 07 23 at 05:29 PM • permalink

 

    1. Or he thinks this site might be a bit cuckoo.

      Hey! We resemble that remark!

      Posted by rinardman on 2007 07 23 at 05:38 PM • permalink

 

    1. Dear Webmaster,

      Hand back your Masters.

      Yours sincerely,

      Tim Blair.

      Posted by peter m on 2007 07 23 at 05:52 PM • permalink

 

    1. That site seems short on boobies & tits, but definitely has an over-abundance of loons & twits!

      Posted by nofixedabode on 2007 07 23 at 06:34 PM • permalink

 

    1. And we thought dodo’s were extinct!!!

      Posted by nofixedabode on 2007 07 23 at 06:36 PM • permalink

 

    1. #53 I especially resemble that remark…

      Birdwatchers are funny people.  I once had dealings with the main bird watcher society in my home town: the vicious internal brawling between various factions of this group made Hamas and Fatah look like a ladies’ sewing circle.

      Posted by cuckoo on 2007 07 23 at 06:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. Well they would certainly be an organisation that believes that the concepts of “left wing” and “right wing” are useful organising principles.

      Posted by ooh honey honey on 2007 07 23 at 07:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. They will be writing to you again in for so 2007 for today’s hits on their feathery website. There was a birdie numb numb story in Western Australia (thousands of birds died??)recently.

      Posted by 1.618 on 2007 07 23 at 08:05 PM • permalink

 

    1. Emu

      Cut emu into 1 1/2”-2” cubes. Fry bacon and remove from skillet, leaving grease. Add cubed emu and saute until evenly brown. Be careful not to overcook. Add garlic, mushrooms, bay leaves, thyme, parsley, salt and pepper. Add the bacon and remove from heat. In a small sauce pan make a roux from the flour and butter until it is light brown in color. Add consomme and wine to the roux. Simmer until slightly thickened. Add roux mixture to the meat mixture and stir well. If onions and carrots are desired, parcook the carrots before adding to the meat. Simmer on low for 2 hours. Serve over noodles.

      Page 3.

      Posted by 1.618 on 2007 07 23 at 08:24 PM • permalink

 

    1. They probably don’t like the hawkish views around here.

      Posted by Razor on 2007 07 23 at 09:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. They’re a bunch of turkeys.

      Posted by Blue State Sil on 2007 07 23 at 09:31 PM • permalink

 

    1. Dear webmaster,

      We visited your site to see what birds were on the brink of extinction so we could get some of them and see what they taste like before they’re all gone. Thank you for the information.

      Sincerely,

      PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

      Posted by JimC on 2007 07 23 at 10:24 PM • permalink

 

    1. Birdie Num Num,…..Birdie Num Num….

      Posted by The Big Fish on 2007 07 23 at 10:37 PM • permalink

 

    1. This post is a hoot, Tim. Let us know if you hear back from these clowns.

      Posted by Dr Alice on 2007 07 24 at 07:22 AM • permalink

 

    1. Someone told me there were lots of photos of tits.

      Posted by blogstrop on 2007 07 24 at 07:27 AM • permalink

 

    1. And they just got another blast on 23rd. July 🙂

      Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 07 24 at 08:23 AM • permalink

 

  1. Wow. Y’don’t suppose that post & comments on roadkill were noticed, do ya? Quite a few feathered friends bit the dust in those comments…

    …And I hit the link again, too!

    Posted by KC on 2007 07 24 at 05:12 PM • permalink