INTRO EVOLVES

The Age’s Traceeee Hutchison works on her column:

My father and the Prime Minister share a first name.

Hmmm … it conveys all the intended information, but lacks Traceeee magic. Try again:

By coincidence my father and the Prime Minister share a first name.

That’s more like it. The “by coincidence” is redundant, as nobody would ever think their shared first names were the result of, say, government regulation or a pro-Kevin naming conspiracy. Still, something is missing. One more try:

By sheer coincidence my father and the Prime Minister share a first name.

Now it’s redundant and clichéd! Perfect! But wait – maybe it can stand further improvement:

By sheer coincidence my father and the Prime Minister share a first name and a groin-inspecting floor mirror.

No. Too far. Go back.

Posted by Tim B. on 03/29/2008 at 12:38 PM
    1. There seems to be some resentment there.  I think we’ve found the explanation for Traceeee’s sour outlook, but then again, dads always get the blame.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2008 03 29 at 12:51 PM • permalink

 

    1. Stop doing this Tim, sending me to her writings ramblings.

      I read the whole thing and missed what the Dad-ism was. Aww, shucks.

      Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 29 at 01:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. From Traceeeee’s column:

      I HAVE a fairly intimate confession to make. I’ve never given my vagina a nickname. It’s not that I feel I’ve been neglecting it or that this confession should also suggest I’m unfamiliar with the process of squatting over a mirror. It’s just never really occurred to me to give it a pet name.

      Traceeee is crying out for help.  May I propose a “Name that Beaver” contest for her loyal readers?  I’m even willing to suggest a few myself:

      Snatcherooni,

      the Little Shaver,

      Don’t Dredge Me There,

      Snapping Turtle.

      Traceeee’s save the bay activities reminded me of an S. Clay Wilson ditty:

      Out of her ginch crawled creatures
      from the ocean floor.
      It’s a cinch
      I’m not going to dip my wick there anymore.

      What’s a ginch?

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2008 03 29 at 01:21 PM • permalink

 

    1. Out of her ginch crawled creatures
      from the ocean floor.
      It’s a cinch
      I’m not going to dip my wick there anymore.

      A mirror might be useful to watch their comings and goings, though.

      Posted by ErnieG on 2008 03 29 at 01:36 PM • permalink

 

    1. INTRO EVOLVES

      I think “INTRO DEVOLVES” would be a better title.

      Posted by rinardman on 2008 03 29 at 03:46 PM • permalink

 

    1. The sooner this bint starts breeding the better.

      Posted by JAFA on 2008 03 29 at 04:49 PM • permalink

 

    1. Stop it, Tim.

      One Traceeeeeee “writing” is enough.

      Posted by kae on 2008 03 29 at 05:18 PM • permalink

 

    1. Tim, are you sure it’s redundant?  Redundancy is stating two words or phrases with the same meaning.  I’m not sure where the second “by coincidence” is.

      I would call her use of “by coincidence” implied and unnecessary, possibly verbose.  But not redundant.

      /Mr. Grammar

      Posted by wronwright on 2008 03 29 at 05:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. Wronwright > recondite.

      Cheers

      Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2008 03 29 at 06:12 PM • permalink

 

    1. I get so tired of cleaning this keyboard…

      Posted by KC on 2008 03 29 at 06:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. As I read that my brain began to hurt.
      Its nearly as bad as the worst book I ever read. It just seems like the words she writes have sharp edges or something, nothing seems to be right about the way she mutilates the written word.

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 03 29 at 07:07 PM • permalink

 

    1. So lonely girl watches TV by herself.

      She could be much more productive during that time. Traceee could create a competitive stage production for ‘puppetry of the penis’ and go head on with ‘vagaries of the vagina’. She could practice her lip moves in a mirror while watching the Box.

      Poor petal just hates the commercial world…’my one guilty pleasure on commercial TV’ and ‘the latest brand name’.

      Perhaps she prefers a Government sponsored tampon commercial with Therese Rein showing young girls how they work. White jackets, laboratory setting, yes that would do it.

      That would create and secure lots of jobs at the tampon manufacturing precinct and all the vertical industries down the line. She just doesn’t understand the system, even though it pays her.

      Posted by mehaul on 2008 03 29 at 07:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. Tracee and her ‘hobby-horse’ Dada

      Dada is defined as a European artistic and literary movement of the early 20th century founded on a rejection of traditional artistic and cultural values. Its work was characterized by anarchy, irrationality, and irreverence. Early 20th century. From French, literally ‘hobby-horse’. Said to have been chosen because of its meaningless sound and childish connotations.

      Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 03 29 at 09:13 PM • permalink

 

    1. She’s obviously still shitty about the dredging. She’s anti-man and anti-beaver. What does she like?

      Maybe tacky wines, which is why she has to keep them in the fridge.

      Posted by mehaul on 2008 03 29 at 09:33 PM • permalink

 

    1. I am very pleased to say that having the skimmed the first paragraph and sensing the danger ahead, I got out of that article ASAP, re-emerging here unscathed.

      It was pretty close though!

      #10 have you tried coating your keyboard with the Plastic Aluminium Chuckle-Off membrane from PACO Industries?

      Placing it delicately on the keyboard and breathing HARD all over it will provide your keyboard with a sealed membrane impervious to coffee, crumbs and other unfortunate byproducts of laughing landing on and into the keyboard.

      Posted by carpefraise on 2008 03 29 at 11:14 PM • permalink

 

    1. #3 – I nominate “The Sarlacc Pit”

      “The Sarlacc rests at the base of a giant pit where the entirety of its body is buried except for the gaping mouth. The creature’s beak blindly gropes along the sloped walls of the pit when the sand is disturbed, searching for prey. The Sarlacc’s mouth can reach three meters (9.84 feet) in diameter; it is positioned on its giant, worm-like head…. The stomach of a Sarlacc slowly dissolves prey into nutrients in a painful process that can last for several thousands of years. Victims are kept alive in the acid-filled stomach throughout digestion and few ever escape.”

      Posted by bondo on 2008 03 30 at 12:21 AM • permalink

 

    1. Why is it that we are plagued with women journalists who seem, much more than any of the men, to write the tritest drivel regularly?
      Can we blame positive discrimination?

      Posted by Barrie on 2008 03 30 at 02:46 AM • permalink

 

    1. A dangerous thought I know – but perhaps I have something in common with Traceee.  Underlying Traceee’s article, I think I detect offense at Kev’s paternalistic attack on binge drinking.  I mean, what would the current generation know about binge drinking?  Is it still mandatory to drive home after taking on a skin full?  Do the current 21 or 18 YOs get tested with full yard glasses of full strength beer?  Are they made to try again if they fail on the first or subsequent attempts?  Do they then move on to quarter yard glasses of Ms William’s claret?
      I don’t think so.
      Kev needs to direct his attention to real problematic behaviour.

      Posted by PeterTB on 2008 03 30 at 03:42 AM • permalink

 

    1. Ms Williams, though no doubt the purveyor of excellent claret, was not as well known as the estimable McWilliams in this field

      Posted by PeterTB on 2008 03 30 at 03:46 AM • permalink

 

  1. #9 Heinrichs,

    What is “recondite”?

    (wronwright removes saber, starts sharpening)

    Posted by wronwright on 2008 03 30 at 11:35 AM • permalink