Saturday, February 26, 2005
PHIL FOR PRESIDENT
Phillip Adams writes:
I’ve been asked by a number of readers to explain how the United States - and the world - gets lumbered with a president like George W. Bush.
As it happens, I’ve been asked by a number of readers to explain how world gets lumbered with a columnist like Phillip Adams.
So I will provide a detailed, scientific explanation. Bush is a statistical inevitability. His arrival at the White House was a consequence of simple division by simple people. Or, if you prefer, a process of elimination. First of all, you can eliminate half the population as the US is a long, long way from being ready to have a woman president - though some Democrats are talking up Hillary Clinton while Republicans counter with Condoleezza Rice.
I, too, will provide a detailed, scientific explanation. Adams is a statistical inevitability. His arrival at The Australian was a consequence of simple division by simple people. Or, if you prefer, a process of elimination. First of all, you can eliminate half the population as The Australian is a long, long way from being ready to have a senior, twice-per-week female columnist - though some paperboys are talking up Emma Tom, while subeditors counter with Janet Albrechtsen.
Then you can eliminate all the African-Americans …
Then you can eliminate all the Aboriginal Australians …
Despite Al Gore’s selection of a Jew as his running mate, US anti-Semitism precludes getting nominated as top banana.
Adams has railed against Imre Salusinszky, The Australian’s only Jewish columnist.
And unless Arnie Schwarzenegger can organise a change of the Constitution, you can also eliminate anyone and everyone who wasn’t born in the US.
And unless The Australian changes its name, you can also eliminate anyone and everyone who isn’t Australian.
See how fast we’re whittling down the figures? Getting closer to George Bush …
See how fast we’re whittling down the figures? Getting closer to Big Phil.
Homosexuals need not apply.
Phillip likes girls.
For the foreseeable future you can eliminate Muslims, Zoastrians, Hindus, Sikhs, Druids, followers of the Norse gods, or Buddhists.
The chances of a Hindu replacing Adams? Not great.
Atheists? No hope. In a nation where almost as many people go to church as shop at Wal-Mart, anyone who doesn’t claim to be born again would be out of the race long before Super Tuesday, probably before New Hampshire. Even candidates admitting agnosticism would have to hit the road.
As would a born-again Christian applying for a columnist role at The Australian.
Indeed, it’s hard to see them backing any candidate with a greater disability than dyslexia.
Phil’s got that covered; he struggles profoundly with numbers and the alphabet.
Low intelligence? Hardly an impediment as, once again, the incumbent demonstrates. Indeed, intellectual credentials would almost certainly be politically fatal … Being very intelligent - indeed being very anything - rules you out.
Phillip isn’t very intelligent.
This brings us back to physical appearance in the land of Narcissus. You can pretty well eliminate anyone who isn’t regarded as physically attractive. Indeed, it helps to have had a prior career in Hollywood.
Phillip was once a movie producer.
And you can pretty well eliminate anyone who isn’t stinking rich. It’s not entirely inaccurate to suggest that, by and large, presidential elections have given voters a choice of millionaires.
Phillip’s art collection is worth $20 million.
So there you have it. Take the American population. Divide in half. Subtract large numbers of people in various categories and, lo and behold, you’ve got George Dubya. Think of it. Had he been female, gay, black, Jewish, an immigrant, an agnostic or overly endowed with intelligence, he’d still be what he was. A political mediocrity in Texas, being baled out of business failures by his father’s wealthy friends. Back in the Governor’s mansion, instead of being able to wage war all over the planet, George would be limited to setting records for the confirmation of death sentences - hundreds of them. If only he had been born in Australia, the world would be safe.
So there you have it. Take the Australian population. Divide in half. Subtract large numbers of people in various categories and, lo and behold, you’ve got Phil the Waddler. Think of it. Had he been female, gay, black, Jewish, an immigrant, an agnostic or overly endowed with intelligence, he’d still be what he was. A broadcasting mediocrity in Sydney, being subsidised by the nation’s extorted taxpayers. Back in the Radio National mansion, instead of being able to wage war on the printed word, Phillip would be limited to setting records for boring listeners to death - hundreds of them. If only he had been born infertile, the world would be safe.