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Sunday, December 30, 2007

IT KNOWS

Global warming sure is clever. It knows where conservatives live, so it can precisely direct flooding their way. And it has an unerring ability to destroy things we like while increasing the number of things we don’t like. Just look at this global warming hit list:

• Pinot Noir

• Baseball

• Christmas trees

• Fly fishing

• Lobster dinners

• Guacamole

• French fries

• Koalas, polar bears, whales, penguins, frogs and walruses

Wily old global warming doesn’t stop there, though. After demolishing the planet’s booze, food, recreation and official cute animal stocks, it puts these in their place:

• Jellyfish

• Giant squid

• Stray cats

• “A surge of dangerous volcanic eruptions”

• Mold and ragweed

• Mosquitoes, ticks and mice

• Viruses

• Poison ivy

It might seem unlikely that pushing the mercury up a notch or two should result entirely in badness, but that’s how global warming plays. Try it at home; turn on a heater and watch your Miss Universe wife turn into Agatha Swampwart, ugliest chick in the whole leper colony. You’d almost think there’s some kind of design - intelligent design, if you will - behind warming’s ways.

Having taken away our guacamole, global warming’s latest trick is a record delivery of sharks:

A shark expert has warned that Victoria’s “shocking” approach to beach safety could put swimmers at risk as the state faces what could be its worst shark season, due to global warming.

Ric Wilson, from Shark Patrol Victoria ... says he believes global warming could be behind an increase in the number of sharks encroaching on the state’s beaches.

There are apparently so many Great Warming Sharks lurking off Victoria that the Age couldn’t single out just one, and had to source an image from South Africa. It’s only a matter of time - possibly the moment will come as the final koala dies - before the giant squid turn up.

(Via Cuckoo)

UPDATE. “Uh, oh,” reports Paco. “The ascendancy of the jellyfish has begun.”

Posted by Tim B. on 12/30/2007 at 09:07 AM
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