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Friday, May 12, 2006

GLORIOUS SHIFT FORWARD

The San Francisco Chronicle’s Mark Morford—still freakin’ out the squares after all these years—proposes an increase in fuel prices:

Make it 10. Ten bucks a gallon, no matter what the going rate for a barrel of light, sweet crude. That would so completely, violently, brilliantly do it. Revolutionize the country. Firebomb our pungent stasis. Change everything. Don’t you agree?

Reading this, why do I feel as though a homeless person is grabbing at my clothes?

Here’s what we could do: Give gas discounts to cabdrivers (at least initially), metro transit systems and low-income folks, those who have to drive their busted-up ‘78 Honda Civics to their jobs scrubbing restaurant toilets and flipping burgers and vacuuming the residual cocaine from the seat cushions of numb SUV owners. Everyone else, 10 bucks a gallon, across the board. Eleven for premium.

People in America are employed as residual cocaine vacuumers? Wow; consider the side benefits. Vladimir, I tell you, is wonderful country this USA!

It would take some finessing.

No kidding, Mr Greenspan. But once you’ve “finessed” things ...

Voila—gas crisis, oil crisis, warmongering agenda, pollution issues, road rage, traffic congestion, urban decay, oil profiteering—all completely, almost totally, somewhat solved. Or at the very least, dramatically, gloriously shifted toward ... I don’t know what. Something better. Something more humane, less greedy, more sustainable. Could it work? How outraged would you be to have to pay that much for gas? How long would that feeling last?

Beats me. Let’s ask some Palestinians, who are currently enjoying Morford-like fuel policies courtesy of someone in Israel who evidently read his column:

Palestinian gas stations started shutting down and motorists lined up at pumps after an Israeli fuel company cut off deliveries Wednesday, deepening the humanitarian crisis following Hamas’ rise to power.

Warmongering agenda solved!

An end to fuel supplies for the West Bank and Gaza could cripple hospitals, halt food deliveries and keep people home from work - a devastating scenario for an economy already ravaged by Israeli and international sanctions.

Gloriously shifted forward!

Mujahid Salame, head of the Palestinian petrol authority, predicted fuel supplies would run out in many areas by Thursday. “If this happens, there will be a humanitarian crisis,” he said.

Something better!

“I bought more than I need because I want to guarantee that I can reach work again,” said Osama Shaban, 33, a construction engineer who drives 10 miles to work each day.

Hey, Shaban: consider your pungent stasis firebombed, dude!

Dr. Moaiya Hassanain, a top Health Ministry official in Gaza, warned that the area’s hospitals, already suffering from a medicine shortage, would cease to function without fuel: Ambulances would stop running, employees would be unable to get to work, gas generators - used during ongoing electric outages - would be hobbled.

Less greedy, more sustainable! Under the innovative Morford Plan, Palestinians will soon be making most of their daily trips via flyweight recumbent bicycles or gravity-sensible skitter-carts. Morford should visit Gaza to tell people how much better off they are without affordable fuel (or any fuel at all). He could take some of that pornography he’s always talking about, too; I hear it still has shock value over there.

UPDATE. Maybe Rich Hall can write Morford into his next play.

Posted by Tim B. on 05/12/2006 at 02:09 PM
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