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WARMING CAUSES DRINKING
Something new for the list of things caused by global warming:
Teens tell Taylor a variety of reasons as to why they’ve started using alcohol, but he said it all comes back to “the whole culture is going crazy.” The U.S. is at war. Global warming is in the news.
Get global warming out of the news and Wisconsin’s teenagers will return to their previous sobriety. But who could blame them for hitting the sauce in the first place? Perhaps they caught a performance by Portland duo Blübird, which would drive even Mohammed himself to drink.
Did theyn really say the U.S. is at war etc.? It’s not in quotes.
Posted by dean martin on 2007 05 29 at 04:21 AM • permalinkFancy that, educate kids from the age of 5 up that they have no future and they start to behave like theyve got no futures!
(Puts on white coat, fake bushy eyebrows, and looks distracted)
Who would have ever thought that might be the outcome. I have allready selected my voluptuous assistant, Fifi, and am willing to undertake an exhaustive trip around the word to solve this problem.
All I need is an enormous grant, and a copy of “fat rich bastards planet"guide book and I promise to have some results sometime next year.
In addition it will be reqiured for every one of the grants commitee to accompany me on one stopover in a major destination of their choice, to ensure procedural fairness.
I look foreward to recieving my grant soon.Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 05 29 at 04:44 AM • permalinkSomeone ought to ‘plain a few things to the little bird on the electric guitar. Reminds me of watching Greenpeace motor around in their inflatables, wearing wet suits, and carrying giant plastic banners protesting the relaunch of the Valdez.
Don’t they teach about irony anymore?
Poor dumb kids. I don’t blame them—they are ignorant and don’t know any better. The “Comprachicos of the Mind” who have turned innocent minds in on themselves have much to answer for, however. It’s child abuse, pure and simple. But what the hell: to make an omelet you’ve got to break a few heads.
“Honest, man, we don’t drink ‘cos we want to get blitzed, we’re doing it ‘cos there’s no hope. Hey, can you buy us a six-pack? None of us brought our fake IDs with us.”
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 05 29 at 05:54 AM • permalinkActually I must admit I don’t know where Brisbane is. Nor Sydney, Melborne, Canberra, or Tasmania. I really must get an atlas.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 05 29 at 06:34 AM • permalinkNor do I know where the Bryan Law thread is (at which I should have posted comment #14).
Non sequitur thou knowst my name.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 05 29 at 06:37 AM • permalinkHey, I apologize, in my #12 I stated lawyers, it was liars (no cheap jokes..lol)...and I just looked up the word writ…A written order issued by a court, commanding the party to whom it is addressed to perform or cease performing a specified act.
It wasn’t a writ, Nancy performed the “specified act” willingly. It’s another four letter word though.
“the whole culture is going crazy.”
So the kids in Wisconsin were reading on Saturday night. Go easy on them, parents, I was driven to drink too.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 05 29 at 06:54 AM • permalinkI never “used alcohol” when I was a teenager.
I drank like a fish though…
Those were stupid times, not like now. I had no solid ideological reason, such as global warming, to drink; I just liked getting drunk with my friends…Posted by Honkie Hammer on 2007 05 29 at 06:55 AM • permalinkwronwright: Actually I must admit I don’t know where Brisbane is. Nor Sydney, Melborne, Canberra, or Tasmania. I really must get an atlas.
I don’t know either, but I can guarantee you there are towns with those names buried somewhere in Texas.
“the whole culture is going crazy.”
You could have just ended the post here.Here’s an atlas you might like better:
As for Wisconsin teenagers and alcohol (or should I just say, teenagers and alcohol) that’s been going on since God knows when. It’s just the stated excuse that changes every so often.
Posted by Sonetka's Mom on 2007 05 29 at 07:39 AM • permalinkGlobal warming wasn’t invented 30 years ago when I discovered the delights of the pub opposite our newspaper office. Back then our excuse for over-indulging was the looming apocalypse of nuclear holocaust, nuclear winter, over-population, acid rain, all with the identical outcome that “we’re all going to die, so we might as well be pissed when it happens.”
I’m not dead yet (my liver has been most forgiving for its lifelong ill-treatment and seems determined to reach a healthy old age) and I can’t see me being globally warmed to death despite the wishes of various ALP foes. Mind you, the leftoids might bother me to death with their exultation over the Rudd opinion polls, if I was of a mind to believe they will carry through to the end of 2007. Suicide would be an option only if George Campbell won the leadership or Paul Keating managed to do a lazarus.
Drugs and alcohol were part of my youth but telling teenagers they are facing oblivion gives them a better excuse than the one I had. Might also explain the attraction of amphetamine. I liked my dope because it raised my sensitivity to lots of pleasant things. But purpose of amphetamine seems to be exactly the opposite - with deadly consequences for the user and anyone who comes in contact.
#16 kae -
wronwright, I can only think of two explanations for that comment…
1. When everyone else received the RWDB Minion training you jigged class, or
2. your pants are on fire.
Well, yes, on occasion, my pants will go on fire whenever I see Rachel Welch or another beautiful woman. But it’s not on fire at the moment.
And as far as “jigging class”, I have no idea what that crazy Aussie slang means. But I will say that anytime I missed any minion or henchman training, it was likely because I was chasing Stoop Davy Dave across time or trying to remove PACO booths from some funeral or solemn occasion.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 05 29 at 09:03 AM • permalinkSpeaking of which ...
paco, I’ve heard a rumour that your employees, andycanuck and thefrollickingmole, are planning a merchandise tie in to Jimmy Carter’s funeral. paco, President Carter is NOT DEAD. At least not yet. And when he does, the nation plans to bury the old guy in dignity and solemnity.
no, no, no, no pancake booths this time. Same with the Antartic time shares booth. And the other 22 booths I heard were being planned for outside the Capitol building.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 05 29 at 09:08 AM • permalinkwronwright
What a terrible Calumny on my good name! The rumors of the Ceremonial guard being replaced with the hamas Disney characters is still in negotiations. And do you have any idea how hard it is to organize a giant peanut shaped coffin? (Incidentally you don’t know of any cheap peanut booth concessions in the Washington area)
Add to that the fact no helicopter pilot will participate in the flyover and you can see how difficult this exercise is.
He’s been dead for weeks already, as soon as the funeral arrangements are in place we will announce his tragic demise due to an accident involving a large funnel, lots of KY gel and an extremely irate buck rabbit.
Pah!! fie on you sir with your wish washy facts and evidence, PACO employees operate at a higher level of truthiness that that!Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 05 29 at 09:21 AM • permalinkAfter reading that article from Cheesehead Country™, I have to wonder when the next Prohibition amendment will be offered up for a vote.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 05 29 at 09:38 AM • permalink#36 Wronwright: It is precisely this kind of procrastination that the Pre-Arranged Commiseration Organization was formed to combat. Our goal is to permit the pre-deceased to experience some of the dignity he knew not in life. It’s all very tasteful, I assure you: the bereavement tank-tops come in funereal black, and feature a picture on the front of Jimmy sporting a top hat, monocle, spats and walking stick; on the back, the words, “In Loving Memory of the Grandee of Georgia Goobery.” Besides, Rebecca has already ponied up for the roasted peanuts concession, and she’s counting on that money to help put her beautiful grandkids through college. So, in a very real sense, it’s for the children.
no, no, no, no pancake booths this time. Same with the Antartic time shares booth. And the other 22 booths I heard were being planned for outside the Capitol building.
Paco, wronwright, the frollickingmole—dammit, will you people read your memos?! The whole affair will treated with taste and dignity. You will restrict yourselves to those cheap plastic trumpets, thundersticks, kazoos and fireworks (but only Chinese imports to for Kyoto compliance). The Hooters girls wearing the rabbit ears and waving copies of Carter’s Playboy “lusted in mah heart” interview are optional but acceptable.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 05 29 at 10:24 AM • permalink#42: Of course there will be kazoos. In fact, we’re flying in the head doorman from the Plains Motel Six - attired in the livery of the general staff of the Bolivian Navy - to play taps on his kazoo (and I’ve instructed him, under no circumstances, to add, “shave and a haircut - two bits” at the end). And the little owl on the Hooter’s girls’ t-shirts will feature a tear drop oozing from one owlish eye. No, no need to worry, Richard. Remember: Paco Enterprises spells class with a capital ‘k’.
Stop drinking? In Wisconsin? They’re Germans.
Posted by rightwingprof on 2007 05 29 at 01:48 PM • permalinkAre Wisconsin teens drinking because they’re doomed, or are they drinking because they’re living in Wisconsin?
But seriously folks - I wish I could lay my hands on the doomhead assholes who did their very best to convince me that total nuclear was inevitable when I was a lad - people like Helen Caldicott and the folks behind Weeds, Testament and The Day After. I might have spent a bit more time worrying about my long term future instead of huffing up drugs and getting to such a short term, cut-your-losses professions. (Journalism, that is.)
So now I’m a middle-aged man who wishes he’d done army service and studied law. As Iggy Pop once said, boo fucking hoo. It’s too late for me, but the Wisconsin teens can be saved!!!
Posted by rick mcginnis on 2007 05 29 at 03:24 PM • permalink#19, Grimmy:
I’ve never understood the whole alien/scorched earth thing. It presumes that there are beings intelligent enough to travel the universe but not intelligent enough to have any other purpose but to destroy other planets.Now, #26, Paco’s position that they’re just looking for dessert makes some sense to me. I can understand intelligent beings going out for dessert.
#44 and #45: If Rebecca gets the peanut concession, I want the Billy Beer concession. I know the original probably qualifies as a WMD by now, but isn’t that a plus at Herr Carter’s funeral?
I tried Billy Beer in my impetchus yoot. It was a WMD even then.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 05 29 at 08:45 PM • permalinkMy mother grew up in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. As anyone who is familiar with growing up in that kind of town (small city) in that region (northern Midwest) can tell you, the reason kids drink so much there is that it is so frigging cold for so much of the year! There is just not that much to do there that mnay kids are interested in for large parts of the year. Global warming could actually be part of the solution to the problem
Gerbil wormening drove me out on the piss last night, I think.
Imminent nuclear war, long term unemployment, the dismissal of the elected Whitlam government, the evil Reagan regime picking on freedom-loving communists and the oil crisis sent me on a bender thirty years ago, and I was just starting to sober up when enviromental degradation and the overdue collapse of western capitalism bobbed up to get me back on the pop- cheers!
And I think Blubird is quite possibly worse than nazi fraulein band Prussian Blue- on a related subject, the anti-semitic sweeties of PB have a little sister called Dresden; seeing as we’re discussing teenage binge drinking, what’s the chances of her making it through her teens without getting bombed?
I love the fact that their ELECTRIC guitar and their ELECTRIC microphone and their ELECTRIC amplifier are not powered by mains power, but by the solar cell just over….
Hey, now where is that solar cell again?
Posted by Apparatchik on 2007 05 30 at 12:02 AM • permalinkActually I think the gear was run by a generator powered by one of these, itself energised with organic, non-GM kibble.
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“...and this one time, at Band Camp…”