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CONSERVATIVES EXPOSED BY BRILLIANT CHILD

Steven Ward, a Tufts University junior majoring in international relations, explains how to write like a conservative:

First, choose an aspect of popular culture that you find offensive. This can be anything from Janet Jackson’s breast to “Desperate Housewives” to low-cut jeans. Label it un-American, and claim it is a symptom of the downfall of society. Then completely ignore the fact that popular culture is created by market forces and that most large media and entertainment corporations are owned by conservatives and contribute heavily to the Republican Party. Now you are free to blame popular culture, and by extension, the downfall of society, on liberals.

The rest of it is just as good. This kid is special.

Posted by Tim B. on 03/15/2005 at 06:31 AM
  1. Alternatively:

    First, choose an aspect of tradition that you find offensive. This can be anything from heterosexual-only marriage to “Team America� to acid-wash jeans. Label it un-progressive, and claim it is a symptom of the downfall of tolerance. Then completely ignore the fact that popular culture is created by writers, academics and journalists and that they have been the chief influence on large media and entertainment corporations for a generation and that they contribute heavily to the Democrats. Now you are free to blame popular sentiment, and by extension, the downfall of civility, on neo-conservatives.

    Posted by C.L. on 2005 03 15 at 07:49 AM • permalink

  2. ????
    I suppose criticism ought to be directed at the author, and the objects of his derision in equal doses.

    1. Low cut jeans - etc - fashion . Hooo.

    2. Popular culture is created by market forces??????? Hey Man, dooop dooop, what, dooop dooop, force made an afro, doooop doooop man.


    and the rest….... Doooop dooop , (at the local traffic lights, of course, Dooooop Dooooop), we republicans who own the Doooop Doooop are blamed for “the downfall of society, on liberals.”

    Dooooop Dooooop!

    Posted by Louis on 2005 03 15 at 07:55 AM • permalink

  3. Oh, that sounds all too familiar. My campus is crawling with little turds exactly like our young charge.

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 03 15 at 07:56 AM • permalink

  4. How to write like a Webdiary contributor.

    First, choose a Howard Government policy that you find offensive. This can be anything from the War in Iraq to border protection. Label it racist and authoritarian, and claim it is a symptom of the Jewish Zionist cabal that controls the media in Australia. Then completely ignore the fact that the mainstream media is dominated by journalists who are outright antagonistic towards Howard and conservatives in general.  Now you are free to blame the Murdoch press and by extension their readership for lacking the intelligence or enlightenment to vote against Howard.

    Posted by Adam B on 2005 03 15 at 08:13 AM • permalink

  5. Apologies CL, alternatively again:

    First, choose an aspect of an elected Government that you find offensive. This can be anything from illegal immigrants ,to a lack of research and development to fighting in Iraq . Label it un-democratic, and claim it is a symptom of the downfall of tolerance and the rise of fascism. Then completely ignore the fact that popular culture is created by writers, academics and journalists and that they have been the chief influence on large media and entertainment corporations for a generation and that they contribute heavily to the Fairfax press. Now you are free to blame popular sentiment, and by extension, the downfall of civility, on neo-conservatives.

    Posted by Nic on 2005 03 15 at 08:17 AM • permalink

  6. You know, there’s just something about tufts. For example, I have these tufts in my armpits, and they always getting stinky.  I don’t remember exactly, but I think that’s what the college people call ‘irony.’

    Posted by iowahawk on 2005 03 15 at 09:11 AM • permalink

  7. Is that “short bus” special?

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 03 15 at 10:24 AM • permalink

  8. I think he means “Philippe” special.

    Posted by rocketeer67 on 2005 03 15 at 10:51 AM • permalink

  9. C.L.,

    “Then completely ignore the fact that popular culture is created by writers, academics and journalists and that they have been the chief influence on large media and entertainment corporations for a generation. . .”

    Remarkable! I had no idea they had such power over their obviously impotent Republican employers. Ah, but perhaps that’s why writers, academics, and journalists are paid so well.

    Posted by Irate Savant on 2005 03 15 at 10:52 AM • permalink

  10. a Tufts University junior majoring in international relations
    Code words for no potential job opportunities or interviews. But the Masters level program is available and a few trips to Europe for Art History will probably be involved. All paid for by Mommy and Daddy.

    Posted by bc on 2005 03 15 at 11:22 AM • permalink

  11. Irate Savant wrote:

    Remarkable! I had no idea they had such power over their obviously impotent Republican employers.

    I’m always happy to enlighten someone.

    Large media and entertainment corporations sell whatever they can, based on the trends, fashions and ideas that attain currency in society.

    It’s not particularly remarkable to note that writers, academics and journalists are responsible for popularising and - to some extent - sanctioning everything from advances in computer technology to cynicism about government honesty, to the ‘much watch’ programmes on television.

    Writers, academics and journalists aren’t chiefly employed by Republicans so I don’t understand your point. Mine is that the former define, discern and create markets while the latter exploit them. That’s not impotence. That’s power.

    Posted by C.L. on 2005 03 15 at 11:54 AM • permalink

  12. I do believe that was sarcasm.

    Posted by skipp on 2005 03 15 at 12:51 PM • permalink

  13. To the windbag C.L., who we gratefully pay homage to for deigning to comment on this blog which is clearly only monitored by uninformed rabble; bar yourself, naturally. Let me rush to say it’s my fervent hope that we can all follow your lead and improve ourselves. Sarcascm mode off

    Mine is that the former define, discern and create markets while the latter exploit them.


    You’re all mixed up, my elitist chum. The group of folk you call “the former” attempt to tell us - all us common folk - what we should be consuming. Sadly for your hypothesis, however, it is actually we who define, discern and create markets. And, okay, you can perceive those who you call “the latter”* as exploitative types. I prefer to see them as people who are considerably better at anticipating what we want than “the former”. How wrong am I so far?

    *businesspeople, entrepreneurs and the like, who I consider to be much more worthy members of society than your journos, academics and writers, for instance.

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 03 15 at 02:05 PM • permalink

  14. C.L.,

    Consider me rebuked! Had my head not been so foggy this morning, I could have merely contemplated the offerings available on radio, cable television, and bookstores, and the asymmetry between creation and exploitation would have been all too apparent. I should also take greater care to analyze the political leanings and contribution habits of those persons at the head of the media conglomerates who fulfill their niche and servile roles exploiting the offerings of the all-powerful artists. Please forgive me; I should allow more time for contemplation before I hastily dash off my ramblings.

    Posted by Irate Savant on 2005 03 15 at 02:30 PM • permalink

  15. Please forgive me; I should allow more time for contemplation before I hastily dash off my ramblings.

    Yeah, and you misspelled “idiot” too—oh, wait.  Nevermind.

    Posted by Sortelli on 2005 03 15 at 05:37 PM • permalink

  16. BC:

    a Tufts University junior majoring in international relations
    Code words for no potential job opportunities or interviews. But the Masters level program is available and a few trips to Europe for Art History will probably be involved. All paid for by Mommy and Daddy.

    Don’t tar all IR students with the same brush - we are not all nutbags.

    Posted by Villeurbanne on 2005 03 15 at 07:11 PM • permalink

  17. I’m so sick of the endless denigration of low cut jeans and Janet’s breast on this site.

    Savant: I think I get what you mean; the all-powerful capitalist shareholders of SMH, NYT et al are really undermining the socialist cause using plants like Dowd and Kingston. I’m sure that’s what Murdoch’s doing with Adams.

    Posted by Henry boy on 2005 03 15 at 10:34 PM • permalink

  18. Hmmm! There they are again. Those Market Forces. They are at the bottom of it, causing all this trouble. Curse them! We will wipe them out in the name of Progressive Liberalism.
    That name’s a bit long and boring though. Perhaps if we shorten it to ProLib. We will fight under the banner of ProLib to defeat the marionette masters who control us all from their evil high balcony of priviledge.
    Long Live The Revolution! Death to the Oppressors! Onwards The Long March to the ProLib Utopian State!

    Posted by blogstrop on 2005 03 16 at 04:03 AM • permalink

  19. So I take it Mr. Ward would be A-OK with people who denounce burkas?

    Eh, he’s not half as much fun as a columnist my college paper had nigh on four years ago. An uber-socialist type without one ironic bone in his body; seriously given to phrases like “The great bloody, swollen, puffy feet of capitalism are crushing the oppressed workers!” He was good for much entertainment every week. This guy is just superior and dull.

    Posted by Sonetka on 2005 03 16 at 05:37 AM • permalink

  20. Underscore is sick of the endless denigration of low cut jeans and Janet’s breast on this site. I therefore propose that we all renigrate them.

    Posted by triticale on 2005 03 16 at 10:35 AM • permalink

  21. Renigration would work for me.

    Posted by Henry boy on 2005 03 16 at 07:27 PM • permalink

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