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TICKET TO HYPERSPACE
Patent application of the year:
A pulsed gravitational wave wormhole generator system that teleports a human being through hyperspace from one location to another.
Further: “The basis for this invention is an event, referring to FIG. 1, occurring on May 2, 2004, in which the inventor personally experienced a full-body teleportation while walking to the bus stop.”
Everyone who believes wronwright raise their hands.
...I thought not.
Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2006 05 17 at 01:58 PM • permalinkMy name is Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I would like to place an order MY pulsed gravitational wave wormhole generator system.
You see we have this ‘hidden imam’. His name Mohammed ibn Hasan. He is regarded as the 12th Imam, or righteous descendant of the Prophet Mohammad, and ummmmm, we need to ummmm, pull
his asshim out from under a well…and ummmmm…....A pulsed gravitational wave wormhole generator system that teleports a human being through hyperspace from one location to another.
I predict it will be genially entertaining for the first five years or so, but eventually will get kind of tired, and then in a gimmicky act of desperation will hire Ben Browder and Claudia Black.
Along these line, I heard of one “inventor” who “invented” a rape protection device: a 9mm automatic with a whistle welded onto the slide. The woman was supposed to shoot her attacker while blowing the whistle for help.
As I was told, a patent attorney accepted this lunatic as a client. His friends told him to dump the nut, else get shot by the “inventor” with his “invention”.
Which is exactly what happened.
So I’m hoping that the patent attorney for this particular asylum escapee has a taste for exotic travel…...
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 05 17 at 02:10 PM • permalinkOnly last weekend I managed to travel from the pub to my bed and I have absolutely no memory of doing so. It was either a wormhole-thingy or the beer.
Posted by Villeurbanne on 2006 05 17 at 02:14 PM • permalinkDamn, I wish I had applied for a patent on that dingus. I, also, was once teleported….... from the toilet into my bed. On the other hand it could have been gas.
Posted by Wallace-Midland Texas on 2006 05 17 at 02:59 PM • permalink...does Stargate Command know about this?
Posted by Patrick Chester on 2006 05 17 at 03:00 PM • permalinkFrom Paragraph 10 of the application:
The answer comes from experiments done using the ancient Chinese form of breathing known as Chi Kung. Using this breathing technique, we have been able to levitate the human body over six feet in the air. The internal temperature of the stomach is around 200 degrees Fahrenheit.
200 degrees? Really, Mr. St. Clair, you need to cut down on the habaneros.
Actually I would prefer a full-body teleportation system to a Transporter that disassembles and reassembles one’s atoms often with dire results.
As Bones once said: I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered across space by this gadget.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 05 17 at 03:47 PM • permalinkI actually filed this patent years before Mr. St. Clair but evidently, my version of the damn machine works backwards.
Posted by Hoodlumman on 2006 05 17 at 04:40 PM • permalink4 Gary
# Everyone who believes wronwright raise their hands.
5 Geoff
This man is a complete lunatic. Entirely beyond help.
Yeah, that inventor’s kind of coocoo too.
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 05 17 at 05:55 PM • permalinkDamn! This completely destroys my plans for getting stinking rich off my patent for partial-body teleportation.
shakes fist in anger
Posted by Crispytoast on 2006 05 17 at 07:31 PM • permalinkSan Juan airport teleportation, Cool that explains it!
Back in the early 90’s while surfing a break off the end of the same runway (Aviones - pretty close to where baseball hero Roberto Clemente’s plane hit the drink), I did a 360 at the exact same moment a Puerto Rican on a converging peak did…Next thing I know I’m wearing a coconut on the beach and drinking a lukewarm Medalla beer.
Anyway Wronwright, does this mean I only need to buy a one-way ticket on my next
beer runmission to PR?we have been able to levitate the human body over six feet in the air. The internal temperature of the stomach is around 200 degrees Fahrenheit.
In other words, “We have ignition! Liftoff!”
Is this guy sure he teleported? He could just be experiencing “lost time” syndrome from a UFO abduction. Somebody should suggest he bend over and check his asshole for any strange flashing lights and beeping sounds…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 08:28 PM • permalinkIt will never be able to compete with my Wayback machine (which I’ve kept hidden in a secret garage in Enid, Oklahoma, away from certain people who think their reTARDed version is somehow better). So far, I’ve been able to transport a talking dog and a little boy back to the days of Aesop. Unfortunately, there were some problems with fracturing some of the fairy tales from that time. We’re still working out the bugs. And Moose and Squirrel.
WE try to stay away from the booze, by the way. I’ve noticed that with other transport systems it causes no end of problems.
Uh, yeah. Allow me to finish that fractured tale for you saltydog old boy. Yes indeed, the boy and the dog did go back in that infernal Wayback Machine of yours. That is, they landed on a battlefield just minutes before the onset of an epic bloody battle between the Spartans and the Athenians.
Imagine if you will myself, lounging on a nearby hill, dressed in a Greek toga, wearing olive leaves in my hair, sipping some quite nice Thracian wine. It’s not Sumerian mead, mind you, but it’ll do. And oh yes, enjoying the company of three—allow me to repeat that—
THREE
lucious ladies who hail no way near the island of Lesbos, let me tell you. THREE—I mean, how many times have I ever enjoyed, will I ever enjoy the company of THREE beautiful ladies? Certainly no chance in this or the last millenium I can assure you.
Well anyway, the ladies were frightened from the emerging sounds of hoplites and chariots shouting and exhorting their comrades to an impending collision of rushing forces. Yet the bloodlust excited them also, just what I wanted from these three—THREE!—gorgeous Greek darlings.
When who should pop—yes, pop!—onto the battlefield but your pliant pigs from the island of Guinea. Suddenly silence descended onto the battlefield. Shock. Confusion. Then anger. How dare two unworthy pip squeaks, one obviously young and puny, the other a mere canine, bring an interruption to two brave and fierce forces desiring to do battle! A claim for avenging the warrriors’ honor was heard shouted by Spartans and Athenians alike.
What was I to do? Well, ordinarily I’d lay back and enjoy the spectacle. I wasn’t going to interrupt my very much needed rest and escape from the pressures of my important yet somewhat unappreciated position in the RWDC. Yet there was one teensy little wrinkle with that plan. The dog was Karl’s favorite beagle, Peabody!
Soooooo .... guess who had to blow kisses good bye to his companions—-
(stop to consider my once in a lifetime chance to enjoy the company of three ladies ~ sigh ~ )
—and zipped the old Tardis onto the battlefield, grabbed the dog and punk kid, and high tailed it back to 2006 Washington DC? Give you one guess who it wasn’t: saltydog!
And did Karl so much as thanked for this unparalleled piece of heroism? Hah! He ordered me to take Peabody for a walk around the White House. Ingrate.
(note: I’m referring to Peabody, not Karl of course)
Posted by wronwright on 2006 05 17 at 09:35 PM • permalinkOK, we have a problem here.
From what I
overheardwronwright told wronwright, apparently wronwright (that’s wronright-1 for clarity) tried to tell wronwright (wronwright-2) he attempted to go back to the same point in time and look up his three hotties. Unfortunately, as near as wronwright-5 theorizes, he didn’t quite wait for himself to leave, and this set up a sort of temporal polycontinuity, and, as far as wronwright-17 can tell, all attempts to go back and correct this so far have been unsuccessful.Frankly, the cellar is getting crowded…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 10:51 PM • permalinkDo all the Wronwright’s have belly buttons? It’s an important question.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 05 17 at 11:16 PM • permalinkWas Rocky the dopey moose? And Bullwinkle the flying rat with the squeaky voice and the brains of the outfit? Or was it the other way round?
And did Darlink, Boris the Russian’s spy’s girlfriend have a real name? And how come they were the only heterosexuals in the whole show or not in an unusual relationship with another species?
Infidel Tiger — Damned if I’ll look. The fishnet vests are alarming enough. Besides, with all the belly hair…
geoff — Rocky, flying rat. “Darlink” — Natasha Fatale.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 11:41 PM • permalinkFurther — wronwright-136a reports an encounter with a stocky brunette chick with a weird metal frisbee who complained wronwright-? was hitting on her girlfriend…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 11:43 PM • permalink...does Stargate Command know about this?
I swear I’m not getting my memos.
— Jack O’Neal
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 11:49 PM • permalinkI once woke up in a relationship I hadn’t been in the night before. Anything quantum about that?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 11:52 PM • permalink#16
If you have a time-division multiplexer in your office and have a power failure at just the wrong time, you can rip a hole in the fabric of space in your office and suck nearby office supplies into the white hole.
This happens, extraordinarily enough, within about a week or two of the due date of children’s return to school.
There must be a wormhole generator between my wife’s mouth and my ears. It’s the only explanation for all the stuff she has supposedly told me and I have no recollection of.
You don’t speak Wife. For instance, when your furnace breaks down and your wife says, “I asked you three weeks ago to call for an appointment to have someone come out and look at that” means that three weeks ago she told you, “The radiator made a funny noise.”
#53 #54 - The cloak room situation at the Neo-Con Club must be very frustrating.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 05 18 at 01:08 AM • permalinkHere’s another couple examples of Wifespeak, Razor:
The phrase “Maybe we should…” translates as “You had better…”
And when you ask her what she wants for dinner out, and she says, “Oh, whatever. Anything’s fine”, it means, “Keep making suggestions for me to shoot down until you hit one that appeals to me. Minimum six.”
kae — 200 and counting…
The next time the TARDIS cycles through, we tackle it and pull the plug.
Of course Richards-3 thru 17 thought that was a good idea too. Richard-2 was smarter than that; as far as I know he’s still down at the cybercafe ordering Japanese subway porn.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 18 at 01:17 AM • permalinkOh, great.
Wronwright-69 has been selling Gay Thursday Magic Kingdom package tours to King Epicenus of Thebes and Queen Degeneres of Lesbos.
Would someone please tell him the Borgia Vatican is NOT the Magic Kingdom…?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 18 at 01:22 AM • permalink#10- What you have encountered in this case is another device, the ubiquitous beer scooter.
Use the buggers regularly myself, but they can’t be very stable going by the contusions and abrasions that usually cover me when I awake.
#38 wronwright I, (the post #38, not wronwright #38)
Man, I hate to tell you, but that is just a little scam ol’ Peabody worked up. He’s a comic as well as a pedant. (And he makes the worst puns in the universe.) The “take Peabody for a walk” is one of their favorites, just to see if they can get someone to take a anthropomorphized cartoon dog for a walk. I mean, Peabody doesn’t even like to walk!
Sorry, though, I didn’t mean to set you up. If it helps, I bet he’s sniggering behind my back as well. I know that won’t make up for the THREE hot babes. Nothing could make up for that.
You might ask why you know who is showing interest in a second time-machine program.
Dave S’s Paradox:
If a husband speaks in the forest and no wife is there to hear, is he still wrong?
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 18 at 03:57 AM • permalinkThis guy is either completely insane or this has been random generated by a computer program.
My personal favourite part:
It was this experiment that resulted in making first contact with the androids of the Grey aliens who told me, in a remote viewing session, that “We saw you blowing smoke into hyperspace.”He’s certainly blowing smoke somewhere…
Well, I don’t know how it happened, but we have 200 wronwrights assembled in the black op helicopter base. What a mess. They’re all bitching and whinging about not being appreciated, not having been promoted to full member status, and yes, about having a goat as a minion assistant. I’m beginning to understand what Richard has been saying.
But it’s a lemons to lemonade day. I’ve got them waxing the helicopters and humvees . But to be honest they’re doing a simply terrible job of it.
I’m working with the Time Lords to send the other wronwrights (all inferior it should be mentioned) back. But they’re sort of puzzled with the back part—as in back to where?
Chances are we’ll send them all back to 2,200 BC Sumeria and let them raid Sargon’s mead room.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 05 18 at 09:13 AM • permalinkNot back, not forward — sideways. Give a bit of a rightwise tilt to all them supposedly ‘parallel’ universes.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 18 at 09:44 AM • permalink...so, dump the problem on other universes?
Posted by Patrick Chester on 2006 05 18 at 10:28 AM • permalinkYa’ll owe me a new monitor. And Dr Pepper hurts when it comes out your nose.
On another note, can you send one of the “inferior” wronwrights over to my house? I need a handyman who works for sumerian mead. I wormholed one of the brewery set-ups to the shed.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2006 05 18 at 10:58 AM • permalink#69
On another note, can you send one of the “inferior” wronwrights over to my house? I need a handyman who works for sumerian mead. I wormholed one of the brewery set-ups to the shed.
I think Elizabeth Imperial Keeper just solved the problem of what to do with all the excess wronwrights.
May I have one, too? Will he do handyman-stuff for home brew?
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I swear, I know nothing about this.
(wrings hands)