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SQUIRRELS TRIUMPHANT
A government study reveals the shocking truth about labradors:
Department of Primary Industries researcher Dr Amanda Kobelt set up spy cameras to watch 55 labradors in their gardens over 48-hour periods.
The cameras revealed that 65 per cent of the time labradors were either sleeping or just lazing about.
Labrador owner Tim Harris confirms this astonishing revelation:
I’m not at all surprised that she sleeps all day—she is a labrador.
Let’s hope lazy Australian labradors never encounter collectivist Russian squirrels:
Three locals walking in a park were witnesses of the incident. They say the stray dog was barking at black squirrels jumping from one tree to another. Then the squirrels grouped and suddenly attacked the mongrel.
The witnesses said the squirrels fiercely eviscerated the dog. When the people rushed to rescue the dog it was too late. The fight between the dog and the squirrels lasted for not longer than a minute. When the triumphant squirrels saw the humans approaching, they scattered carrying pieces of the prey in their mouths.
These skeletonizing piranha-squirrels will shortly calculate the numbers required to bring down human prey. Yet there are still among us those more concerned about so-called “bird flu”.
UPDATE. They truly are evil, you know.
The thing on her head is, I believe, an Air Dog (must be jumbo size)
http://home.att.net/~rhhardin/airdog1.jpg
http://home.att.net/~rhhardin/airdog2.jpg
http://home.att.net/~rhhardin/airdog3.jpg
show its proper uses.If that was Mother Sheehan’s dog, she would be apologizing to the squirrels.
Posted by wronwright on 2005 12 08 at 01:54 PM • permalinkStupid squirrels, with their killing and smoking and drinking.
Posted by carpetback on 2005 12 08 at 01:57 PM • permalinkSquirrels are evil, man. Its a fact of life. They frequently throw things at students on campus, steal any food you set down for a second, and they consider a building’s ventilation system a great place to die, which results in a horrible smell until the little blighter is found and disposed of. Fortunatly, my dog seems to be on a crusade to eliminate the pests.
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2005 12 08 at 02:18 PM • permalinkSo, Dr. Kobelt knows how lazy labradors are because she spent umpteen hours WATCHING THEM GOOF OFF. Great use of taxpayer dollars.
I’m not at all surprised about the Russian squirrels. It’s a little known fact, but in the 1930’s stalinist squirrels created an artificial nut famine that wiped out Ukrainian chipmunks.
Russian stray dogs certainly seem to meet with bizarre fates: Russian Top Model Brutally Stabs Mongrel Dog in Moscow
Posted by Sarah Brabazon-Biggar on 2005 12 08 at 03:51 PM • permalinkYeah, I understand that they usually go for a victim’s nuts.
Posted by andycanuck on 2005 12 08 at 04:34 PM • permalinkThe cameras revealed that 65 per cent of the time labradors were either sleeping or just lazing about.
Only 65%?
Our lab runs outside to do his business and the squirrels and bunnies don’t even care. They chase him back in.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 12 08 at 05:04 PM • permalinkFollowing the links in the squirrels attack dog thing led me to this story which probably belongs back in the old dead Nguyen thread, heh heh. I’d like to be her cellmate.
I think it’s the species of squirrel that is so dangerous. Black squirrels from the Far East of Russia. Gotta be the water.
So, when did Pravda become a supermarket tabloid?
I especially liked this report about the latest in Russian furniture!
Gives new meaning to “Stay off the furniture!”
Lucky me, I get back to my house, where I find I have new neighbors, who have a black lab. I like dogs, and this lab is a nearly perfect specimen.
Is that why I’m lucky? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Said black lab is not only a member of the 35% group who non-lazy, said black lab wants to climb the fence when I get too close to “his” territory (but my property). The “nearly perfect” part comes from this demon’s super bad attitude. The “lucky me” is pure sarcasm.
A good guard dog, but I want some of those Russian squirrels, just in case he does make it over the fence…..
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 12 08 at 07:02 PM • permalink#13—That’s the funniest story I’ve read in months.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 12 08 at 07:36 PM • permalinkO/T & its probably been said elsewhere but I heard the funniest “joke” in a while last night (pc types DON’T read):
Whats deadlier than a Sydney Funnelweb?
A Singapore Trapdoor
BOOM TISH…
Posted by ozconservative on 2005 12 08 at 08:10 PM • permalinkHere’s conclusive proof of the truly evil, venal, vindictive and misathropic nature of squirrels.
BTW- in rugby parlance, a chap is often referred to as “Labrador” if he is found to spend most his time bludging off the blind*.(In this case, the blind side of a scrum, ruck or maul, not the unsighted- referees are usually too thin to provide much cover. If this peanut thinks labradors are lazy, they should spend 24 hours in the company of my 18 year old fat Staffy- she lapses out of a coma for about an hour a day for food, a walk and a shit).
Well all I can say is that would never have happened to the crack team of Jack Russells I trained for the Italian terriers act. Rather smallish dogs, not much larger than a back yard squirrel. Yet size can be deceiving. Each dog was surgerically enhanced with razor sharp claws that could easily slice up a Rottsweiler or a pit bull dog without it even noticing the 5 inch adamantium claws being raised. Extremely dangerous yet capable canine neocons. Well worthy of the name Team Rove(r).
The article did say squirrels, right?
Posted by wronwright on 2005 12 08 at 10:22 PM • permalinkInteresting you should mention the mad barking dog, Patricia.
On reading Tim’s first link, the seemingly useless research about Labradors’ backyard habits is actually part of a project to find out why some dogs won’t shut up.
For anyone who has been kept up at night by a neighbours’ noisy dog, this has got to be a worthwhile issue. Not to mention the losses in productivity caused by insomniac workers.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 12 08 at 10:40 PM • permalinkO/T Crikey is sort of mourning the magrot, who has declared war on petrolheads
While her eponymous Webdiary keeps plugging on, Margo Kingston has signed off. In fact, she’s retired from journalism altogether. I “feel guilty” to be pulling out at a time when independent media is more important than ever, she tells Crikey, wondering how true journalists can regroup to address the situation.
Although she’s been “very proud” to call herself a journalist, the nature of the profession means you’re always an outsider. Now, I’d “like to discover humans,” says Kingston. As a journalist, “I’ve always operated on a big picture” level and “I’ve never really operated as a member of a community.”
But the reasons for moving on are various. Webdiary sent her broke, and undermined her health. In her final letter, Kingston also wrote that “certain events have proved to me that my skin is not thick enough to survive in this game.” But she declined to elaborate and said she wanted to go out “without throwing punches.”
However, she does say that she was devastated that a former Webdiarist “chose to seek to destroy me when I went independent.”
Where to next? Kingston’s not sure, and didn’t know what to put in the occupation category of a form recently – a “real shock for me” – eventually settling on “author.” But her activist streak is still on form. The other night she “joined a local group trying to stop a dragway.”
discovering humans - priceless
In her final letter, Kingston also wrote that “certain events have proved to me that my skin is not thick enough to survive in this game.”
Tim and this motley crew here were just plain heartless.
Bwahahahaha!
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2005 12 09 at 01:04 AM • permalinkThe squirrels on our campus were fearless, greedy little bastards; they had somehow gotten the impression that because an individual student fed them once, that we all had bags of acorns stuffed into our backpacks. They got pretty damn aggressive sometimes. Unofficially they were known as the “Hellspawn.” So yeah, that story sounds about right to me. We’re lucky they haven’t done the same to some stoned-out-of-his-gourd student late some Saturday night.
Pravda is for morons. Russia is a nation of morons, and don’t call me racist, they are plainly morons. This is a culture that imbibes idiocy with it’s mother’s milk just before switching to vodka at age three.
Remember when our pundits obsessed over Russia’s future after the fall of the moronic wall they put up to help them spot and shoot people trying to flee their idiocy? What cards does fate hold for this great nation of violent drunken retards? Remember when we cared?
Here’s my thinking: put a hundred million morons in one place tell them they’re a country, what do you THINK their future holds? Russia’s neighbors know, which is why they’re as desperate to get away as a guy handcuffed to a cannibal zombie corpse. They murdered and wrecked their country and most of the countries around them with communism, their space station sucks and now the latest news out of mother Russia is that national alcoholic dementia has advanced to the point where they’re hallucinating killer squirrels. Whatever.
Morons.
I “feel guilty” to be pulling out at a time when independent media is more important than ever, she tells Crikey, wondering how true journalists can regroup to address the situation.
But how independent was she? She only did it for a few months. It’s not like she gave it a real go, now.
As for the former WebDairyist out to destroy her… paranoid delusions anyone?
Maybe she found out that she couldn’t handle the flack without a big msm machine to hide behind.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2005 12 09 at 06:09 AM • permalink(Backs slowly away from Amos.)
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 12 09 at 08:22 AM • permalinkIf hundreds of awful Sci-Fi Channel original movies have taught me anything, this is clearly the result of an eeeevil military bioweapons experiment gone awry.
Look for the government official secretly reponsible to have the three witnesses mentioned in the story assassinated, before the killer and the guy behind the project are ironically torn apart by the very mutant squirrels they themselves created.
Wasn’t there an old Soviet saying? Something like “Pravda nyet pravda”?
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2005 12 09 at 02:36 PM • permalinkI think there were squirrels like that at Stalingrad.
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2005 12 09 at 05:59 PM • permalinkIt was Pravda and Izvestia, the Soviet paper whose name means “News”.
There is no news in Pravda and no truth in Izvestia.
There are actually two words for truth in Russian. Pravda means Revealed or religious truth, by extension the Commies used it for “Party truth”. The other word is “Istina”, which is your homely, everyday truth, like that a rock will fall to the ground if you release it from your hand. Lenin is supposed once to have complained “Don’t bother me with a mass of petty istinas.”
As for the Killer Squirrels: Sciuri delenda est.
Posted by Michael Lonie on 2005 12 09 at 10:20 PM • permalinkThe infiltration continues apace…
“This incident was a terrible shame for Kelsi because she loves animals but this was the squirrel from hell.’‘
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Any moment now AP will run the story “African-American Russian Squirrels Maul Dog.”