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IN-SHELF COLDENING
A friend just bought a new house. Check her kitchen:
That’s a Gorecooling beer deal, people.
Maybe she can get paid a carbon offset from the Goreacle, the ice has to count right?
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 09:57 AM • permalinkWow. I’ll bet Mr. Bingley is jealous that he didn’t think of the countertop beer cooling device…..I know that I am!
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 03 02 at 10:24 AM • permalinkOne man’s wanker is another man’s genius.
Posted by Not My Problem on 2007 03 02 at 10:52 AM • permalink#11 marreS, I think its more of a “look at what a lazy-assed American I am!” statement than a “look at me” statement. Once the counter is stocked, your butt only has to leave the stool when the time comes to download all the beer you’ve drank. Why, slap on a diaper and you could sit there the entire evening. Americans hate exertion. Time wasted fetching beer and pissing is detested.
Remember, it was Patrick Henry who said, “Give me convenience, or give me death!”
This kitchen meets or exceeds the Michael Moore Standards of Sloth, and therefore is truly Americana at its finest.Damn straight I am jealous, JeffS. Must figure out a way to block this site from home, because if the Bride sees it I am soooo toast.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 11:31 AM • permalinkMind you, I bet that when there’s not ice in that center thingy it also doubles as a bitchin’ blood draining channel for all the Polar bears that I’m sure she slices up for grilling.
Where’s my contractor’s phone number…
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 11:33 AM • permalinkI assume it has a drain so no post-party bailing will be required? And just think of the fun the kids will have playing Fruit Loops football at breakfast with the empty hole as goal. Or they could put some sawdust down there and keep guinea pigs as natural vegetable peeling disposers. A koi pond! Oh the possibilities!
I count six greenies cooling on that counter. That means, by GoreMath, nearly 3000 pakistanis have to languish in the sweat, dust and heat, watching the ocean slowly rise towards them, to offset the energy cost of making those ice cubes.
Heartless alcoholic bastards!
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 03 02 at 11:38 AM • permalinkWorse! SEVEN beers! Have you no respect for human life!?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 03 02 at 11:39 AM • permalinkBlue, it’s Aussie for “cooler”, coming from the brand name Eskimo.
Hell, it’s just a kitchen island with a trough sink that someone thoughtfully filled with beer and ice. Not a bad idea. Kitchen designers call them prep sinks.
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2007 03 02 at 11:48 AM • permalinkVery nice, but I tend not to get excited about kitchens as my goal is to spend as little time as possible in one. In fact, when they start building houses without kitchens, I’ll be one of the first in line.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2007 03 02 at 12:13 PM • permalinkEsky…Have I contributed a new word to the blairite lexicon? Wonderful!
Esky is the singular, eskies are plural. As SomeOSeppo said, it translates to “cooler.” Basically, it’s an insulated tub in which you keep your beer cold.
However, there are further derivations: lids (as in esky lids) aka boogie boards that kids ride in the surf, and tin lids, aka kids, aka children. The Aussie language in all it’s splendour.
I think it’s only 5 beers and 2 bottles of fancy carbonated water, which is cool because it shows she’s training the kids how to mix drinks properly for the adults.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 12:20 PM • permalink#23 “Heartless alcoholic bastards!”
Hey, that’s my nickname.#36, Texas Bob, it might be in other states too, just not one of the previous 7 I’ve lived in, but Ohio does have drive-thru beer stores. Basically it’s a sort of Quonset Hut type which you drive through the middle & the clerks fill your order.
#25 Blue Hen - What’s an esky?
You probably didn’t come to the party that was thrown two years ago at Tim’s house when Tim went to the US to discuss, um, “business” with Karl. Since the party was not sanctioned, I tried keeping it from descending into debauchery and mayhem. After all, Tim had placed trust in our sense of honor and fairness.
I was doing a fairly good job of it, organizing safe party games and sing-alongs, when some Aussie walked in and said “G’day mates! I have a rack of bitter in the ute, howsbout I throw it in the esky and some shrimp on the barbie?” And um, well, that’s when everyone started to descend.
(wronwright relives experience, shakes head to make memory go away)
Well anyway, the Americans didn’t have a freaking idea what the guy had said. Might as well had spoken Croatian.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 03 02 at 01:25 PM • permalink#23 “Heartless alcoholic bastards!”
As Dave Barry might say, “A great name for a band.”
I’m still trying to gather info for a kitchen remodel, but the actual doing is receding as other financial events come first. I just want a kitchen that ‘works’ better.
Posted by JorgXMcKie on 2007 03 02 at 01:50 PM • permalinkokay, I figure a rack of bitter has to be some beer, either a 6 pack or a suitcase I haven’t figured out yet. Shrimp on the barbie was easy, I’ve seen a couple Outback restaurant commercials, but what the hell is a ute?? (for those of you in OZ I figure Outback sells genuinely un-authentic food, I’ll figure that out when I get to Australia)
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 02:43 PM • permalinkBTW, that looks like Rolling Rock in the ice…..North East??
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 02:44 PM • permalinkI thought the whole top of a Heinie was wrapped in foil? And the glass for Heineken is a little darker isn’t it??
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 02:57 PM • permalinkActually, I think you’re right about the glass color; I don’t think those are Heinies.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 03:12 PM • permalinkWow, that looks just like my kitchen…well, except for the cooler slot…and it is neater…and larger…and has slabs of “Gaia flesh” [man, that is brilliant]. Otherwise, identical!
Posted by Major John on 2007 03 02 at 03:12 PM • permalinkCould one of them be a Lord Chesterfield from Yuengling?
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 03:15 PM • permalinkAll I need is for the plumber to connect the hot water where it used to be, and the cold water where it used to be. At present we have cold showers and hot garden sprinklers. Interesting times for the neighbours when we shower!
Heh! mareeS, I have a similar problem, wherein the plumber connected the hot water to an outside faucet. He still needs to install the fixtures and toilet, so this WILL be fixed.
But is this a coincidence? I think not. And I blame Bush.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 03 02 at 03:17 PM • permalinkHey, I’m #1 on google for “Gaia Flesh”! This is such a proud moment!
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 03:21 PM • permalinkThanks, Tanker! It’s just about finished here.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 03 02 at 03:35 PM • permalinkBetter watch out, Mr. Bingley, or Gorezilla™ will send His minions after you for daring to use Gaia Flesh.
I have the same problem, of course, but ammo is cheap, minions are not.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 03 02 at 04:19 PM • permalink#38,
wronwright, that was no aussie that caused your bad memories. Aussies say “slab” and “prawns” not rack and shrimp.
I hope you retaliated with some of your Sumerian mead.#43,
oldtanker, a “ute” is a utility vehicle. Rather like your F100s, only sedan sized.Aussies invented the ute.
Have a great time when you get here oldtanker. Word of advice though, don’t eat the Vegemite. It isn’t food. It is a repellent you smear on your face and neck when you’re out bushwalking in case of “drop bears”. Drop bears have been known to rip a man’s throat out. The vegemite works pretty well though.
#56 Mr. Bingley
Very nice!
#58 Pogria
My sister warned me about the Vegemite already and you got me again, “drop bears”??
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 04:36 PM • permalink#58 and #60
Now I get it, pick-up trucks… Although those look more like our old El Camino’sor El Ranchero’s
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 04:49 PM • permalink#58 Old Tanker
This film may help to explain drop bears. Then again it may confuse you even more. The drop bear is played by Australia’s native polar bear, known as the Bundy Bear.
My sister warned me about the Vegemite already and you got me again, “drop bears”??
Bwhahahahaha! Now, don’t you worry about them! You’ll find out soon enough when you visit. Bwhahahaha!
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2007 03 02 at 05:24 PM • permalinkBasically, it’s an insulated tub in which you keep your beer cold.
We have those in Canada, too. We call them “backyards”.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 03 02 at 05:41 PM • permalink#32 - wankers and eskimos hey?
Many years ago, on a drunken trip to Hong Kong for a rowing carnival, we found a new way to redecorate our hotel.
On each floor in the lift foyer, there was a little stand with a tin of little white rock chips in it - it was where smokers stubbed out their butts (remember the days when you could smoke indoors?)
After a night of too many beers, I stumbled out of the lift with my mates, grabbed a handful of rock chips, made a wanking motion (scattering rock chips across the carpet) and declared “Eskimo cum!”
We thought it was hilarious. It spread to all the other crews, and before you knew it, each floor was littered with little rock chips. The Chinese must have been running around going, “WTF?”
Sadly, with global warming, and the melting of the Eskimo homelands, this will be a joke that our children will not understand.
/sarcasm off.
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 03 02 at 06:11 PM • permalink#69 - what type of goon do you prefer in your chateu collapsible?
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 03 02 at 06:20 PM • permalink“Chateau collapsible” - good one, Kae.
We call them ‘goons
Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2007 03 02 at 06:25 PM • permalink#59,
old tanker,Drop Bears are carnivorous Koalas.
Their MO is to wait until a suitable American or Japanese tourist walks under their tree and then they “DROP” onto the unsuspecting tourist and rip their throat out.
Only vegemite rubbed all over your face and neck can protect you.
But don’t let this stop you from coming over. When you get here, we’ll also show you where the Yowies live, the Giant Goanna, the Killer Kookaburras, the Big Old Salties and my personal favourite, our extensive range of Joe Blakes.
Last, but not least, we will introduce you to the gentle art of “Chucking a Brown-Eye”.
Cheers.
This is a dropbear, and this is what a dropbear can do. Please note, the attack would have been more vicious if it wasn’t for global warming decreasing the strength of the dropbear population.
They are reasonably easy to detect in trees if you know what to look for.
Are you sure that isn’t just vegemite rash on the guy’s neck, Ash_?
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 03 02 at 07:06 PM • permalink#79, Perview is a great fiend when attempting to suss out how to do links.
I must do what I can to warn people about the innocent looking dropbears.
Real Australians know how to deal with them.
#80, I’m pretty sure. After all, the effects of global warming on drop bears is well documented. Apparently the massive increase in world temperatures have meant that the poor little guys are too heat-exhausted to put any real effort into an attack. Gravity helps with the first part of attack, known as the drop, but after that there needs to be swiping of claws and opening of jaws, and with those big furry coats, the drop bears just can’t be bothered.
#83, I was hoping you’d like it. They look so innocent, but you can count on us Aussies to deal with them.
#88 RebeccaH
After the lesson, I got it. Jackalopes… I think I need to take Ash snipe hunting…..
Pogria,
I was looking at the link to youtube and thought it was an advertising campaign. but then all the other videos were some guy and his VW Beetle outfitted as a dune buggy making dune runs.
My favorite Aussie ad campiagn was some guy (sorry, the name escapes me) doing ads for lamb on Australia day, hilarious. I believe he said unAustralianism came from “sandal wearing, lentel eating, hairy leg, hippy rejects” or something of the sort. I remember, Sam Kekovich (sp)Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 08:39 PM • permalinkYou can if you like, but snipe hunting is done with a burlap sack….a flashlight…..a lot of beer, or bitter if I’m learning anything here…and in the middle of the night. Hopefully you have a starlight scope if you want to use your gun.
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 08:50 PM • permalinkSam, or the Australian lamb association owes me a new keybaord and monitor after those ads…...
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 08:54 PM • permalinkWhy on Earth did they dispatch lurid text messages to English trollops when plenty of Aussie sheilas would gladly target their middle stump?
OMFG
ROTFLMAOkae, now YOU owe me another keyboard…..
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 09:13 PM • permalinkI have just been looking around the Australian Meat and Livestock Association to see if I can find the videos of other adverts, there’s the 2006 one and the 2005 one. I can’t remember the year that the lentil eaters got all uppity about being called unaustralian by the carnivores. It’s probably somewhere here.
I have been trying for may years to interbreed drop bears with sugar gliders.
tourists wouldn’t stand a chance heh heh heh
Here’s one where he hits the vegans
and here is the lentel eaters, although I will take exception to Sam blaming us for Ian Thorpes retirement, we just want Micheal Phelps to have a shot at the 200m free…..
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 09:43 PM • permalink#38 that was no aussie
“G’day mates!
the mates is both redundant & unidiomatic. everyone is a mate until proven otherwise so a simple g’day suffices. mates is for talking about people not to them. if a word is required, it’s more likely to be fellas or similarI have a rack of bitter in the ute,
slab not rackhowsbout I throw it in the eskyutterly redundant - there are 2 things to do with beer: drink it or keep it cold. there is no need to converse on this topic, unless, as the bringer of the slab looks around for the frifge or bath or tub full of ice, the host says fridge is over there mate
and some shrimp on the barbie?”
it’s prawns - no aussie would use shrimp unless doing a bad paul hogan impersonation, something that went out of fashion long agoyou have a plastic aussie in your midst
howsbout I throw it in the esky utterly redundant - there are 2 things to do with beer: drink it or keep it cold. there is no need to converse on this topic, unless, as the bringer of the slab looks around for the frifge or bath or tub full of ice, the host says fridge is over there mate
If G’day mates is redundant and unidiomatic, why would said host say the fridge is over there “mate”??
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 10:00 PM • permalinkOk, yes, yes, he said “slab of bitter”. But he did say “bitter”, not beer. And yes, he said “prawns”, not shrimp.
Damn blog detectives. I feel like Dan Rather.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 03 02 at 10:04 PM • permalink108
G’day is the greeting. You might say G’day Bob or whatever, but NEVER Mates, if you say G’day to a group without specifically naming names, it means the same as G’day everyone. You don’t need to say mates.
Maaaate, you’re never going to catch on.
And the rack thing, I think we nicked it from the Yanks.
The host would say “The fridge is over there, Mate.” to guide them to the place to put their beer - alternative directions would be “In the bath, mate”. Or “There’s a tub on the verandah, mate”. Or “Tub in the laundry, mate”. (Where you’d find said tub full of ice and ready to receive your coldies.) Or “Put your esky over there, mate”.
Never
“G’day mates”
# 108 Old Tankard:
“If G’day mates is redundant and unidiomatic, why would said host say the fridge is over there “mate”?? “
Australian Barbeque etiquette lessson follows:
No-one will turn up to a BBQ and say “Gidday mates!” It would be “Gidday!” only. Perhaps with a slow nod, and a wink to the best sheilas.
Now, when you unload your slab, the host will say “The fridge is over there, mate”, because either:
(1) he doen’t know you from a bar of soap;
(2) he has just been introduced to you, but he has forgotten your name as surely as you have forgotten his; or
(3) he knows you from the past, but has forgotten your name.As an aside, there are very few people I know who would actually put prawns on a BBQ, as the latent heat of your average BBQ crisps them instantly.
Kaboom,
I put shrimp on the grill….usually in a tin foil boat, loaded with butter and scallops and a little beer.
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 10:30 PM • permalinkAmerican translation of G’day…..
wuzup, sup, supdog, wadup, waz happenin’, ...
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 10:35 PM • permalink#120 Old Tankard
“I put shrimp on the grill….usually in a tin foil boat, loaded with butter and scallops and a little beer.”
Lesson # 2:
Only poofters use up valuable BBQ cooking surface area with pretentious tin foil boats and associated metrosexual cooking paraphenalia.
As for our resident purveyor of Sumerian mead (#111), no-one will say “A slab of bitter”. The nearest a fair dinkum Aussie will come is to say “A slab of Vic”.
Oh, and FWIW, nobody drinks Foster’s Lager here.
Sorry Mr. Bingley
Hey y’all, howdy y’all, etc…
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 10:54 PM • permalink#127 Kaboom
I got your poofter right here…..
the gas grill is for tin foil, the charcoal BBQ is for the meat….tri tip, ribs, brisket, yard bird and the like.
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 11:00 PM • permalinkKaboom, BTW, nobody drinks Fosters here either…..
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 11:00 PM • permalinkKaboom,
heaps of aussies put prawns on the barbie.
Otherwise we wouldn’t have the bucket of prawn heads and shells to throw over the fence into nextdoor’s yard so that their dog would have something to play with.
Remember, you must never put prawn shells in the bin.
ALWAYS over the fence or in the bin a couple of houses further down the street.
NEVER in your own bin.
#132 Pogrom:
Cauterising prawn waste (heads & tails) by putting them on the BBQ actually reduces their ultimate environmental impact substantially.
I much prefer to throw boiled, peeled prawn waste over the fence in its natural state, rather than locking in its natural smell by BBQ cremation.
But that’s just me, I suppose…..
#133 Kaboom,
You caught me, I am in fact wearing tin foil not only on my head, but tin foil underwear as well, you never know what Karl is up to….
Posted by Old Tanker on 2007 03 02 at 11:17 PM • permalinkPogria—actually, cricket bats were originally invented as a defense against drop bears. Don’t buy into that pommy ‘playing fields of Eaton’ crap…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 03 03 at 12:41 AM • permalinkin the territory, an acceptable synonym for slab is green. as in 3 greens south of darwin, meaning the trip is as long as it takes to drink 3 slabs of beer. and a doctor told me this, having patched up people who rolled their utes on such trips. where’d you come off the road mate? 3 greens south of darwin. and you just know it wasn’t 3 cans
as to prawns, nothing nicer than throwing green ones (not the boiled ones hoc ptui)quickly past the glowing coals & dunking them in a mix of lime juice, chili & coriander before scarfing about 8 dozen. same with chicken wings. fuck i’m starving… time to kill a cow & fire up the equipment
Given the topic of this thread y’all might enjoy this.
Posted by TattooedIntellectual on 2007 03 03 at 01:29 AM • permalink#146
Bettin’ from the setup this was done by a couple of college kids—probably what was on sale :)Posted by TattooedIntellectual on 2007 03 03 at 01:34 AM • permalinkPogria….people from foreign countries read this blog. Putting prawn bodies in your neighbour’s yard is not good form. Bad image for us all and even worse for the dog’s throat.
Posted by Macosghair on 2007 03 03 at 02:04 AM • permalinkPogria and Kae…how sweet, I hope it works out for you both. Now you get the response you fished for. Demographically, I’m picking you as two young bodies. If not. What happened? But don’t challenge the Aussieness pog. You’re on a loser there.
Posted by Macosghair on 2007 03 03 at 02:26 AM • permalink#149
We eat the bodies. We chuck the heads and shells - usually in the freezer until bin night.
Now, if you can’t freeze the prawn shells, if you take them out of their wrappings and let them dry, spread them in your garden, they dry out and don’t stink.
Do you feel good now you’ve spoilt our fun?
And I’ve always peeled the prawns I fed to my dog.
#156
I’ll drop the red rag if you get your hand off it.
This is not an educational site for “foreigners”. How twee.
We all have a little fun and some of us are a little naughty occasionally.
Make no mistake though, we are all loyal to each other.
If you are going let a few random comments permeate your gossamer fine skin, then perhaps this is not the blog for you.
Kae…you feed prawns to a dog!! Caviar to the cat? I wish I was a budgie in your house. And I’ve spoilt your fun. You two talk away…I won’t write again. But if that was you in Maxine McKew’s car…
Posted by Macosghair on 2007 03 03 at 02:41 AM • permalinkWhat I don’t understand is that the bits that get the least use are the bits that wear out first (use it or lose it?!?). I can understand the working parts and bits used more often wearing out, you know, heart, eyes, hips, knees - but I’m having more and more senior moments… actually, it’s verging on having lucid moments, and they’re scary!
By the way, I am envious of that kitchen.
Thanks Ash. I missed the charm bit. But I did spot the peer driven bullshit.
Posted by Macosghair on 2007 03 03 at 03:20 AM • permalink#161 - so Maxine was spooked by people with torches looking under her car.
I’ve had to do that in the past (not to Maxine’s car) after the cat ran away.
I’d like to hear the spin if a neighbour comes out and says he was looking under all the cars in the street for his kids pet rabbit.
Oops.
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 03 03 at 05:43 AM • permalinkMacosghair, the way to staying unbanned is to not be an asshole to the other commenters here. You dig?
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 03 03 at 10:47 AM • permalink180 Andrea Harris. I dig. Humblest apologies to Pog and Kae. It wasn’t my intention to be an asshole.
Posted by Macosghair on 2007 03 04 at 05:16 AM • permalink
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Oh. My. God. You Aussies really know how to live.