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SANDWICH IS A DISGRACE
I don’t mean to get all Pat Reynolds on you people, but this sandwich—purchased yesterday by me in Sydney—represents the worst diagonal slicing violation I’ve ever witnessed:
The Bulletin’s art director tore herself away from vital publishing responsibilities to photograph the sandwich from several crucial angles. Lawyers have been informed.
Is this supposed to be a metaphor of the PA-Israel conflict? And will you get an arts grant for this magnificent work. It could be called “Meating For Peace”.
But it’s not a ham sandwich, I hope. Although, wow, that might add to the irony and increase your grant by 25%. (Or earn you a fatwah.)
Posted by andycanuck on 2006 03 14 at 11:49 AM • permalinkIt was meant as a political expression. The lower slice represents the portion of the planet that thinks the Islamanuts are just in their cause. Except they screwed it up and made that slice WAY too huge. Get it right next time Mustafa. (and Gezz! what the heck is all of that crap inside the sandwich??? It looks like the contents from a lawn mower bag)
What kind of sandwich is it? CheatLoaf? BeetLoaf? That foolish deli monkey probably ruined--RUINED--your bestitute sandwich by cutting it with a filthy knife just dripping with residual glutens and processed meat fats. I just want to throw up!
Posted by Matt in Denver on 2006 03 14 at 12:00 PM • permalinkIf they repeated the slice on the other side of the larger portion, in a mirror to the original slice, your sandwich would helpfully advertise the new Natalie Portman move “V for Vendetta,” which is (depending on your source) objectively pro-terrorist, anti-Thatcherite, or pro-pocket-sized bald cute Jewish actress.
I don’t think it’s possible to list all the ways that sandwich is wrong. It’s not just geometry…
I mean, white bread? That’s like the Bud Light of starches.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 03 14 at 12:03 PM • permalinkYou wanted it cut diagonally, and that’s the way it’s cut. Obviously you didn’t specify that you wanted it cut from corner to corner. There’s just no satisfying some people.
Posted by Bruce Rheinstein on 2006 03 14 at 12:14 PM • permalinkYo Tim - A salad sandwich? Have you gone all nutty crunchy on us?
Posted by swassociates on 2006 03 14 at 12:27 PM • permalinkThat sandwich is in clear violation of several EU directives on sandwich angle slicing.
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2006 03 14 at 12:30 PM • permalinkNo, no, no. It’s obvious that a Kurd cut that sandwich, symbolizing the the unequal divvying up of political power in Iraq, giving a portion to the Shiites, but nothing at all to the Kurds. If you’re troubled by the unequal slicing up of your sandwich, you do something to help the Kurds obtain their fair share of power.
(Actually, if you were fair about it, you would divide your sandwich with about 60% of the sandwich for the Shiites, 20% for the Kurds, and 20% for the Sunnis. No, no, strike that. Cut 5% for the Turkmen, and maybe say 4% for the Assyrians. So maybe a 60%-20%-11%-5%-4% split would work best. Unless you want to cut a piece for Iranian immigrants. And immigrants from Syria. And Jordan. Yes, and Lebanaon).
Posted by wronwright on 2006 03 14 at 12:51 PM • permalinkMy advice, and a rule I’ve lived with comfortably for years: Never buy sandwiches from pirates.
Posted by lumberjack on 2006 03 14 at 01:12 PM • permalinkAs a sandwich purist, I don’t think anyone should be allowed to make sandwiches for public consumption until and unless they’ve completed an internship in New York City where they know how to do it right. Although I must admit surprise that in a land known for yeast sandwiches, a primary concern would be the non-diagonal slice.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 03 14 at 01:13 PM • permalinkI see the face of the Prophet Muhammed (peas be unto him) in the bread, or as I like to call it, blaspheming bun.
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2006 03 14 at 01:15 PM • permalinkJust remember, a sandwich is only a sandwich, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Posted by Monroe Doctrine on 2006 03 14 at 02:06 PM • permalinkSend it to the UN. After spending 11 billion dollars on researching the fairest way to split it, they’ll throw up their hands and spend another 11 billion trying to figure out how to put it back together. The sandwich will go stale. Kofi Anon’s son will steal the pickles, and they throw the rest into the garbage can. Then they’ll spend another 11 billion on a campaign blaming the entire episode on GWB and his administration’s plot to send the entire continent of Africa into starvation.
Don’t settle for anything less than a metric ton of vegemite. Well, that and attorneys fees, of course…
Posted by Major John on 2006 03 14 at 03:20 PM • permalinkA salad sandwich Tim?
Why didn’t you just say you were gay.
Posted by Harry Buttle on 2006 03 14 at 03:23 PM • permalinkDear God. Is that a thumb print in it ?
Posted by Rachel Corrie's Flatmate on 2006 03 14 at 03:27 PM • permalinkPerhaps your sandwich maker du jour needs some technical advice.
By the way, what would you ask a talking sandwich?
Say, did you hear the one about the chicken sandwich? (warning for those easily offended)
This sandwich is a pictoral representation of how “progressives” would spend tax money if they had control of the government:
1. The small slice goes to inherently government functions like nation defense, international diplomacy, disaster relief, etc.
2. The larger slice goes to entitlements and other programs that swell the ranks of the “victim” class in society that “progressives” tend to enable.
3. Those crumbs off to one side? That’s what the taxpayer gets to keep.
Hmmmmmmmmm........did Mark Latham make that sandwich, Tim?
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 03 14 at 04:28 PM • permalinkThat reminds me, someday I have to drive back to New Jersey to get a proper Sloppy Joe, the best sandwich ever designed.
It seems to involve ham, swiss, cole slaw, and Russian dressing.
It’s cut neatly. They have some pride in the thing.
I’m not surprised what they did to this wreck of a sandwich. It has not so much igredients as whatever it picked up off the table.
For those who have yet to experience the Australian “sandwich”—forget everything you know about this most regal of snacks.
Forget the Carnegie Deli’s Skyscraper of a sandwich, forget Montreal’s Corned Beef monsters (Smoked Beef, actually—neither corned nor pastrami), let go dreams of Togo’s gutbusters.
The Australian sandwich is ideally suited for slipping between jamb and door to get into rooms you oughtn’t to enter.
It is an admirable replacement for your ATM card at the Bank, sliding neatly into the machines electronic maw.
When stale, there low-profile, aerodynamic quality makes for much frisbee fun in the park.
This on the Aussie sandwich from Treborlang
In Germany, if you wish for a quick snack, someone is sure to fix one up within minutes of your asking. With Teutonic precision, German sandwich-makers will butter a dozen slices of pumpernickel, fill them with Berliner or Bismarck which are always kept in the fridge at the ready, and cut them neatly into halves. It’s a fast and uninterrupted blitz.
Naturally in Australia such speed is frowned upon. In a nation of rabid individualists, people like to give their sandwich-making that personal touch. Therefore preparing a snack becomes not so much a laborious chore as an expression of the snack-maker’s inner thermos.
I mean, ethos.
Once you too have decided to be an individualist, you’re ready to make an Australian sandwich. Once you’ve mastered this, improvisation and mayonnaise may freely flow. Here then are the basic steps to follow.
Remove Tip Top from Westinghouse. Take two to six slices out, keep them in hand, and wander around kitchen trying to locate a Noritake plate. Place slices on edge of stove to answer the telephone. Back in kitchen, remember tin of Golden Circle stored in corner of colonial-style smooth edge cupboard. Place Golden Circle on top of New Idea.
Pick up bread from edge of stove and rummage for Staysharp knife behind stack of Tupperware. Spread Norco on bread. Light a cigarette. Catch glimpse of interesting article in New Idea lying on table. Take Golden Circle from top of magazine stack and place on edge of stove, buttered slices on Knebel bench, unbuttered ones on K-tel Kitchenmate, loaf of Tip Top back into Westinghouse, Staysharp on table.
Finish reading New Idea.
Transfer buttered slices from bench to table. Move stack of Women’s Weeklies and old New Ideas to sideboard to make room. Transfer boiled eggs from fridge to edge of sink. Notice patchily buttered slices and spread Norco to same evenness throughout. Transfer Staysharp to bench.
Take plate off table and move it closer to buttered slices on bench. Locate last Vegemite jar behind tins of Pal. Hold Vegemite under hot water to loosen lid. Look around for Staysharp to prize lid open. Transfer magazines from sideboard to sink, convinced that knife has fallen behind them. (In fact it’s under the plate on the bench.)
Mix Lea & Perrins curry powder. Look for eggs. Salvage from under stack of Women’s Weeklies on edge of sink. Attempt to light another cigarette. Replace flint in Dunhill lighter. Move buttered bread, Vegemite, squashed eggs and Golden Circle to table. New Ideas back to sideboard, Staysharp into sink.
Sit down exhausted. Get up again. Put teaspoon of Nescafe into cup, add sugar and Longlife milk. Put into Toshiba microwave, sit down again, and watch the boiling coffee turning slowly around.
You’re now ready to make that sandwich.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 03 14 at 04:40 PM • permalinkrhhardin--
If/when you get back to Jersey, go to Summit (one of my hometowns) and get your Sloppy Joe at the Hill City Delicatessen (downtown). Every party and slumber party I attended during my teen years served a party-size SJ from Hill City. Best sandwich ever. (Had one just a couple of years ago--still the best, but now they’re substituting roast beef for the tongue, so if you want the traditional, you’ll have to ask for it). Most people think a Sloppy Joe is made with ground beef--we know better.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 03 14 at 04:51 PM • permalink#41 The Real Jeffs.
Your analysis is insightful, but you missed the meaning of the two thumbprints. They symbolize greedy capitalists clinging to their ill gotten money rather than voluntarily donating it to the victim class.
Posted by perfectsense on 2006 03 14 at 05:06 PM • permalinkMy Sloppy Joe experiences are the Millburn deli and the New Providence deli; it’s definitely ham, or perhaps I asked for ham.
As I recall, Millburn cuts the thing in 3 pieces, and it’s very neatly wrapped in waxed paper, and contained in a brown paper bag with added napkins. This can be taken to the park and consumed in about a half hour.
Somehow, Sloppy Joe means hamburger with some hot sauce in Ohio, served on a hamburger bun. Talk about disappointment.
It makes even Tim’s sandwich look good.
Perhaps the deli had just installed some Norwegian plumbing.
Oh, it’s definitely ham--ham and tongue. I’m sure the sandwiches from Millburn and New Providence are fine (puts nose in air and sniffs--both were football rivals--we always beat them), but I’ll bet Hill City’s are better. As far as I know, everybody except people in New Jersey think a Sloppy Joe is a type of hamburger. Not even.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 03 14 at 05:38 PM • permalinkWho puts carrots on a sandwich?
Yeeeccchhhh!
Substitute with pickled okra and even I might go for a roo on rye.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2006 03 14 at 06:44 PM • permalinkSure guys, it’s easy to blame the sandwich-hand, but I prefer to look at the root causes.
If the sandwich maker was being paid a reasonable wage, he or she would have more pride in the job, and may have had the time and inclination to receive proper training.
To you it may look like just a badly cut sandwich. To me it is a perfect representation of the greed and lack of care that is today’s Australia, led by no less than GWB’s deputy sheriff, John Winston HoWARd
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 06:45 PM • permalinkIt would be foolish to rule out Jewish involvement at this stage, Tex - possibly with the support of JWH and GWB.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 07:40 PM • permalinkCondensed milk on fresh white bread.
Mmmmh.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 08:00 PM • permalinkPersonally, I would not tell a lawyer that I had a sandwich.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 08:36 PM • permalinkOr the head chef for a Christian Peacemaker Team made it.
Posted by andycanuck on 2006 03 14 at 08:39 PM • permalinkThe question is, who still cuts sandwiches diagonally? Give me a straight cut, two equal rectangular halves, any day of the week.
That way lies madness.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 03 14 at 09:02 PM • permalinkAs Linus said to Lucy:
“No, no! Don’t cut it! You’ll let out all the flavour!”
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 03 14 at 09:08 PM • permalinkThank you Margos Maid, of course it was Howard’s fault.
Actually in the best circles (where we drink from bone china cups with the little finger sticking out) there would be two diagonal cuts to produce delicate triangular sandwiches with a sprig of greenery on top.
Just ask the Queen!
Speaking of the Queen, recall the priceless letter that appeared in the afternoon Sydney Sun after her visit to open the Opera House circa 1974. It purported to be from a harassed mother whose son had taken to drink (possibly Cherry Brandy) while her daughter was obsessed with horses and her Greek husband was never at home. It was signed Elizabeth R.
#46—right you are, perfectsense!!!!! 8^D
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 03 14 at 09:38 PM • permalinkOh come on. This isn’t hard.
Sloppy Joes are sandwiches made from a mixture of ground beef and savory chilli sauce. A layer of cole slaw can be added.
Just because people from Joysie say it ain’t doesn’t mean it ain’t. And you can tell Tony Soprano that I, Paco, said that.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 03 14 at 09:45 PM • permalinkShouldn’t we be asking why the sandwich hates us?
Posted by Vanguard of the Commentariat on 2006 03 14 at 09:54 PM • permalink#80 - I always pictured Tim as having a leg of mutton and a pint of stout for lunch every day.
Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2006 03 14 at 10:06 PM • permalinkOK, Tim, the lefties take it back: the plastic turkey posts are worthwhile…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 03 14 at 10:18 PM • permalinkTo me, the lettuce and carrot are like Australia’s integrity and international reputation - I’m talking shredded.
What’s left of our humanity is like that hard-to-identify but quite possibly meat substance protruding from the sandwich - run-over and left to rot like so much road kill.
The stuff holding it together is loathsome white-bread, which some may think of as wholesome, but which is clearly symbolic of racism. This has been slashed into strange shapes representing our twisted national psyche.
And Little Johnnie Howard has his fingerprints all over it.Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 10:28 PM • permalinkThe Bulletin represents corporate interests that run the whole show (the Packers), and the brown paper represents Australia’s natural heritage (sliced rainforests) that we have thrown overboard like so many refugee children.
This is actually one very powerful installation.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 10:46 PM • permalinkOf course, I might be reading too much into it.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 11:04 PM • permalinkPerhaps the sandwich cutter is actually using subliminal advertising for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia. There is a pretty good resemblance there to the logo. See: CBA Logo
Posted by lewisinnyc on 2006 03 14 at 11:30 PM • permalinkIt is our duty not to turn away from the harsh reality before us. Only then can we begin to understand.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 11:30 PM • permalinkGod bless jlc, your compassion and understanding at this time is an example for all of us to follow.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 11:41 PM • permalinkVery funny Margos Maid - word perfect !
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2006 03 14 at 11:41 PM • permalinkIt does look dis-embowled doesn’t it
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2006 03 14 at 11:47 PM • permalinkIf he did eat it, I guess at least there will be closure.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 11:50 PM • permalinkActually, if there was anyone to blame for this tragedy other than Howard/Bush/Jews, it would be that notorious wannabe conservative, Tim “fair and reasonable” Bla-eurgh.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 14 at 11:58 PM • permalinkKeerist! Would someone (other than an inmate of Dachau) actually eat that?
I’m not particularly fazed by the poor diagonal slice - Hell, we can’t all be sushi chefs - but the rest of it? Jesus Wept! If this had been served up to one of the guests at Club Gitmo, the UN and assorted MSM agencies would spend a happy six months waffling on about, “cruel & unusual punishment”.
Blair really does need to regionalise his baseThere is no way that was a mistake - notice how they put all of the meat in the small side?
Notice how the right side is small -
I am sure they did this on purpose
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2006 03 15 at 12:02 AM • permalinkSee even when you cut a sandwich in the Southern Hemisphere the Northern Hemisphere still gets the bigger share.
Posted by Pat Patterson on 2006 03 15 at 12:04 AM • permalinkDid they put… CARROTS ON ROAST BEEF? This is an atrocity.
Posted by Aaron - Freewill on 2006 03 15 at 12:13 AM • permalinkTim,
Was the sandwich as bland as the other Aussie food I sampled two weeks ago in Sydney,Hunter Valley and Cairns? After ordering food in the Rocks during the trip the owner of the pub brought me spicy mustard (mustard with horseradish) with the meal. I guess my Texas accent gave me away. Other than that, a fabulous trip.Now if it’d been Fairy Bread wrapped in wax ‘rainbow paper’...
Posted by Lucky Nutsacks on 2006 03 15 at 01:06 AM • permalinkWe need to get to the root causes of this sandwich. Starting from the top and peeling off one layer at a time.
The salad representatives the life spirit and legitimate aspirations of the peoples of the Middle East. Completely imprisoned between the white guillotined slices of the twin tyrannies of Zionist oppression and US imperialism. O how the lettuce and shaved carrot weep.
Then comes the grease proof paper to absorb and hide the tears of the Palestinian people. The brown paper bag stands for the evil obsession with materialism and money, and corruption, of the West.
A copy of Bulletin magazine. Nothing more needs to be said about this.
Finally the floral design of the benchtop itself. Forming the symbol of the mediaeval cross. As if straight from the shields of the Knights Templar.
There can be no doubt about it.
It’s a Crusader cut-lunch!
This is truly a wonderful example of the traditional brownbag lunch, let us hope that there was EXPENSIVE WINE to accompany this delightful feast.
Posted by Pedro the Ignorant on 2006 03 15 at 01:49 AM • permalink....and I’ll bet the bottom piece of bread was not sliced right through and when you picked up one half (?) of the samwidge to eat it the bottom piece of the other half (?) came with it and all the filling from the second half (?) fell on your lap. Except for the beetroot which landed on the front of your white shirt and stayed there bleeding. And you had a meeting at 1:00 and you were late.
The partly sliced samwidge. Justification for homicide.
Posted by Mikie Slats on 2006 03 15 at 03:18 AM • permalinkTHANK GOD that sandwich outrage didn’t rear its ugly head in the Islamic world. God only knows what kind of havoc that ugly sandwich would have unleashed there, and how many buildings burnt and people killed.
I only hope some mischievous Imman doesn’t take pictures of the offending sandwich and flash them around any Middle Eastern Mosques!
Heaven help us all!!!Tim, that’s a pretty crappy Aussie sandwich. Where was the beetroot (beet for the ones across the pond)?
Never forget the reaction of an American visiting here who thought he had just bought a nice, safe, Big Mac. Eyes grew wider and wider. “Beet! Beet?? You put beet in a Big Mac!!”
Yes folks, you can “beet” a Big Mac.
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2006 03 15 at 07:31 AM • permalinkThat was one spectacularly ugly sammidge.
Best ones were: Veggie and sprout special at the place in Malibu Center; that thing I had in NY in Central Park--I pointed at what looked good and the vendor handed a representation to me--I don’t know what was in it; a fried tofu sammidge made by an Indian woman pushing her handcart on St. Croix…
My worst sanga was the one I bought down in Geelong ages ago. The girl was new to the job and had no concept of hygiene.
Therefore, when she cut herself, she continued on with the job. I watched incredulous as she finished, wrapped and offered it to me.
Roast beef, gravy and blood is NOT my idea of a good eat.
Needless to say, I sent her off to clean up and then make me a new one.
I wasn’t sure whether to raise merry hell over the health issue or congratulate her on her perseverance.
I bit my tongue. These days, being a lot older and much more of a smart arse, I would have made a scene.
And #123, the 24/7 Krispy Creme is opening up the road from me. YAY!
One more thing.
Beetroot rocks.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 03 15 at 10:29 PM • permalink
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My three year old’s quality control alarm would go off at the site of that sandwich - he’d have none of that until it was ‘fixed.’
(Of course, he’s a lot more particular than his older brother.)