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OMINOUS BEGINNING

“Moe the chimp was like a son to the Davis family.”

Posted by Tim B. on 11/10/2005 at 02:50 AM
  1. How or why do you rescue a chimp from Africa? Unless of course its for a Casino show.

    A round of applause for Anastasia, she loves show-business. So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja?

    Posted by AnthonyC on 2005 11 10 at 04:17 AM • permalink

  2. “I don’t even know if he knows I am alive.”

    Poor Moe, wondering, is Daddy Dave alive? What is, “alive?” Am I alive? Is this my foot, or is it Daddy Dave’s? Can I eat it?

    Posted by ekw on 2005 11 10 at 04:22 AM • permalink

  3. Garrison Kiellor once suggested an opening like ``It was a morning like any other as Bob loaded his truck with dynamite for a day of bass fishing.’’

    Posted by rhhardin on 2005 11 10 at 04:47 AM • permalink

  4. Is this some kind of Bush joke?

    Also, how could a chimp be three times stronger than a man? Aren’t we about five times their size?

    What a wuss.

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 04:54 AM • permalink

  5. And why is Michael Jackson sitting next to that lady in the picture?

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 05:02 AM • permalink

  6. And what’s with their names? St. James? LaDonna? Should that be Madonna? Are they Catholic?

    So many questions, but only one answer : god bless the Americans!

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 05:06 AM • permalink

  7. And why is Michael Jackson sitting next to that lady in the picture?

    That certainly raises an interesting question: Why did Michael pay for all that plastic surgery when Bubbles could have done it for him? With more or less the same results if the article is anything to go by…

    Posted by RainDog on 2005 11 10 at 05:49 AM • permalink

  8. #4 Actually 3 times is an understatement.  Try 5.  Basically, they have a high muscle to fat ratio, dense bones and apparently get a power up from their relatively long arms.  On the down side they cannot swim.

    Posted by noir on 2005 11 10 at 06:00 AM • permalink

  9. Noir - yes, they really can tear off your arm and beat you to death with it.

    OTOH… humans can kick the fertiliser out of them. We’ve got stronger legs.

    Oh yes, personally, due to my studies of neurophysiology, artificial intelligence, and incidentally natural intelligence, I consider them Intelligent life. Subhuman, but still they should have some very limited subset of the rights accorded to humans and not to other animals.

    See my article on ethical treatment of animals. No, I’m no fan of PETA, they’re not pro-animal, merely anti-human.

    Posted by Zoe Brain on 2005 11 10 at 06:36 AM • permalink

  10. I can understand ‘rescuing’ the chimp - they could have been on a safari in Africa, and poor old Moe’s mum could have been killed for bushtuckermeat. Happens a lot over there.

    I think bringing him back to America and treating him like a surrogate child is patronising. They could have left him at one of the parks over there that deal with just such a situation.

    Is it just me, or does anyone else get the image of Moe roaming the carpark at Walmart wearing moccies, tight jeans, a flannel shirt and a packet of smokes in his front pocket?

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2005 11 10 at 06:50 AM • permalink

  11. #4.  The chimps typically used in television shows are only a few years old.

    Posted by Brett_McS on 2005 11 10 at 07:05 AM • permalink

  12. That’ll teach him to mess with Larry and Curly.

    Posted by slammer on 2005 11 10 at 07:19 AM • permalink

  13. #11 - well how big do they get?

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 08:11 AM • permalink

  14. I don’t even know if he knows I am alive.”

    Perhaps the fact that Moe is now using his nut sack as a coin purse should give him a clue as to the regard the chimp has for him.

    Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2005 11 10 at 09:48 AM • permalink

  15. “that’s why I sing
    because he bears
    my ri-ing….”
    apologies to J O’K.

    Posted by crash on 2005 11 10 at 10:10 AM • permalink

  16. This is another instance of people being injured or killed due to the “animals are like Bambi” notion, so popular in our culture. Wild animals, even cute ones, are dangerous and they can kill you.

    Posted by ErnieG on 2005 11 10 at 10:14 AM • permalink

  17. #16 - yes, but I’d still like a chimp as a pet.

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 10:15 AM • permalink

  18. #6: She is most likely a Mormon.

    Posted by Some0Seppo on 2005 11 10 at 10:22 AM • permalink

  19. This is another instance of people being injured or killed due to the “animals are like Bambi” notion, so popular in our culture.

    Didn’t Bambi grow up to be a 12-point buck?  He could have gored the crap out of you.

    Posted by jic on 2005 11 10 at 11:02 AM • permalink

  20. #17 - The worst my dog has ever done is take a dump on the carpet, or clear the room with a canine fart. A chimp can bite your nuts off.

    Posted by ErnieG on 2005 11 10 at 11:48 AM • permalink

  21. #13 James Waterson,

    well how big do they get?

    When standing, an adult male can be 5’ tall or more, weighing 180lbs and sometimes see male humans as potential rivals, attacking without warning.

    Please note: Mr Davis was NOT attacked by “Moe” his pet chimp, but by two other adolescent males that managed to escape from their cage at the facility where Moe was being kept.

    Posted by Spiny Norman on 2005 11 10 at 12:16 PM • permalink

  22. A dog can also bite your nuts off. Yours probably won’t, mine never did, but it happens all the time.

    For me, the deal breaker with a chimp is that it can rip your arm clean out of its socket, and beat you to death with it.

    Posted by jic on 2005 11 10 at 12:16 PM • permalink

  23. When will people understand the difference between domesticated animals (that have been habituated to man for thousands of years) and wild animals (who remain wild, even when raised among humans)?  Chimpanzees are cute little monkeys when they’re infants and juveniles, but they are dangerous when they reach maturity.  In adulthood, chimpanzees are enormously strong, temperamental, and unpredictable.  They are just as dangerous as keeping adult lions or tigers, because they have not actually been tamed, they have merely lost their fear of humans.

    #9, Zoe Brain, that said, I agree with your assessment of them.  They are, after all, our closest non-human relative, sharing at least 98% of our genes.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2005 11 10 at 12:23 PM • permalink

  24. Actually, Davis is a bit of a local nut.  Itty Bitty Moe has been in trouble before.

    History of Moe

    Posted by Patricia on 2005 11 10 at 12:27 PM • permalink

  25. Garrison Kiellor once suggested an opening like ``It was a morning like any other as Bob loaded his truck with dynamite for a day of bass fishing.’’

    That sounds like a line straight out of a Gary Larson cartoon.

    Posted by PW on 2005 11 10 at 12:31 PM • permalink

  26. What I want to know is how is St. James pronounced?  Is it a straight ‘Saint James’? Is it in the same style as ‘St. John’ = ‘Sinjin’?  Or something completely different?

    Posted by jic on 2005 11 10 at 12:41 PM • permalink

  27. #24

    Actually, Davis is a bit of a local nut.

    Weyhey, who’da thunkitt??

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 12:52 PM • permalink

  28. RebeccaH - I’d still have one as a pet. Enjoy their juvenile years and when they get older, at all times keep a cattle prod handy.

    Simple.

    Posted by James Waterton on 2005 11 10 at 01:28 PM • permalink

  29. When will people understand the difference between domesticated animals (that have been habituated to man for thousands of years) and wild animals (who remain wild, even when raised among humans)? 

    While what you say is true, I think people tend to underestimate domestic animals as well.  Something that’s quite common here in England is people going for a Sunday stroll with their dogs through a field of cows with newborn calves, and getting trampled to death. 

    Another popular piece of stupidity is leaving newborn infants in the room with the family dog, and being surprised when it tries to kill them.

    Posted by jic on 2005 11 10 at 01:47 PM • permalink

  30. Didn’t they discover, some years back, that chimps commit murder? It was devastating news to the “Wild Creatures Are Superior To Than Humans” congregation. It was a blasphemous concept, and it meant rewriting their scriptures or just denying the evidence.

    Posted by ekw on 2005 11 10 at 01:58 PM • permalink

  31. ekw,

    What’s worse, it was not just a case of “committing murder”, but actually “going to war”. IIRC, Jane Goodall’s troop had had squables (border skirmishes?) with a neighboring troop for some time, but one morning the whole group got up and went to the middle of the rivals’ territory and attacked them, “unprovoked” as it were. And it was deadly serious: several chimps were killed in the battle.

    Posted by Spiny Norman on 2005 11 10 at 04:23 PM • permalink

  32. Murder?  Chimps do chimp-on-chimp crime of every sort, to and including small-scale warfare.  They do grifts and cons, too.  They’re a LOT more like us than some folks’d like to think.

    Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2005 11 10 at 04:24 PM • permalink

  33. 31 & 32

    I thought they went to war, but I wasn’t sure so I didn’t mention it. But I do remember that Goodall was quite hurt by this discovery. She had believed in the essential goodness of chimps and wondered where Man went wrong. Well, now she knows:

    Hominids kill each other.

    As it is, she adjusted to this new state of the world and accepted it. Would that this kind of willingness and flexibility existed on the left.

    Posted by ekw on 2005 11 10 at 05:21 PM • permalink

  34. Mauled his balls. Ouch

    Posted by Adam on 2005 11 10 at 06:43 PM • permalink

  35. Got to get me one of them Trunk Monkeys.

    Posted by blogstrop on 2005 11 11 at 01:15 AM • permalink

  36. #20 Another fine coffee on the keyboard moment.

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2005 11 11 at 07:39 PM • permalink

  37. Them chimps got balls!  Maybe not just their own, but, hey, we are discussing hominids here…....

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 11 11 at 08:27 PM • permalink

  38. # 28

    RebeccaH - I’d still have one as a pet. Enjoy their juvenile years and when they get older, at all times keep a cattle prod handy.

    Simple.

    Is this James Waterton on parenting?

    Posted by Kaboom on 2005 11 12 at 03:23 AM • permalink

  39. When I got to the part about Moe being the ring bearer at the wedding I wondered if I was being had. Did they wrap him up in a tuxedo for the day? Didn’t the bridegroom have an old school chum to do the duty? Or maybe he did, and Moe was still the better choice.

    Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2005 11 12 at 11:22 AM • permalink

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