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NOT BREAKFAST SAFE
Tony McC. emails: “If you haven’t seen Catherine Deveny’s latest in The Age, please wait until you have completely digested breakfast. The image of thousands of middle-aged Deveny clones all squatting over mirrors to celebrate International Women’s Day caused an almost immediate loss of toasty and Kellogie goodness here. I also thought the revelation that she’d be an Emo if she were 16 today was psychologically interesting. Can we send her a Leonard Cohen CD and a .45?”
And people say we right-wingers aren’t generous.
The hell with sending her a .45; I need a case of Colt 45 after reading that!
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2008 03 04 at 07:12 PM • permalinkAnother 7 years bad luck for Catherine, I’m afraid.
Someone might like to inform her that Deb Balls have changed somewhat. Further useful info for Mz. Deveney - We no longer banish lepers to live outside the city wall and cut long ways, not across the wrist.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 03 04 at 07:22 PM • permalinksquatting over a mirror is likely the only way she’s ever gunna get someone to perve on her.
Posted by stahlblume on 2008 03 04 at 07:23 PM • permalinkbut who knows, maybe she just lost the TV remote again….
Posted by stahlblume on 2008 03 04 at 07:24 PM • permalinkor found that slice o pizza that slipped down the side of the couch
Posted by stahlblume on 2008 03 04 at 07:26 PM • permalinkShe’s middle class and squats over mirrors.
That could be a cartoonist’s dream.
Mirror mirror on the floor,
what can you see, is it it a door?No no I think it is a tube
so very dry it needs a lubeBut do not move what’s that I see
a small grey blob, am I insane?
why no it’s Cath Deveny’s brain(sincere apologies to the master scriptors)
Never invited to her Deb Ball. Had far more success at barn dances.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 03 04 at 07:37 PM • permalinkNotice at The Age
Found: 3 wrist watches and a bar stool. Please see Catherine Deveny our beloved horror writer.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 03 04 at 07:44 PM • permalinkWhich explains why sites like ..”this exist
“..Here on Planet 2008 this bizarre and demeaning ritual has 16-year-old girls volunteering to be reduced to nothing more than gender stereotypes and sex objects judged on their looks, not their brains..”
Or even ones like this.
See Blueveiney, you dont need good looks if youve got a tonne of cash instead. If Bill Gates had been a good looking poonhound I doubt Microsoft would have gotten so far.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 03 04 at 08:02 PM • permalink#19 That’s similar to an old Van der Merwe joke from RSA. Van got a brand new pair of shiny shoes and used to win bets by boasting to girls that if they danced with him he could tell the colour of their brookies (undies).
The girls would dance, Van would move his shiny shoes between their feet and their brooks would show in his shoes. He’d win the bet.
One clever girl decided to remove them and challenge Van. Van then shuffled and danced, shuffled and danced and then broke into tears. The poor chick didn’t know what was happening and asked him what the problem was.
Van replied that he thought he had a crack in his new shoes.
Apologies to any dutchmen who now feel homesick.
What a sad piece of baggage.
Although I was not a fan of ‘Deb Balls’
when I look back I see fresh faced young girls ,excited and happy to be wearing a ‘dreamy long gown and to finish with schooldays,or those charity bashes where the girls worked so hard to raise money for some worthy cause and perhaps win a trip overseas.
It was enjoyable studying the social pages and learning of people in our own communities and hope to aspire to higher status unlike the Paris and Nicki Hiltons and their ilk who seem to do nothing for anyone except their own self gratification.
The girls were not in rage clubs imbibing g-d knows what until 5am and mothers mostly had some idea of what their daughters and sons were up to.
Where is the joy in Deveny that she spends her time writing such cr-p. I feel so very sorry for her own children with such a warped being to ‘mis’ guide them.#17 Some funny stuff here, today!
I’m sorry, but what, exactly, is the context of “squatting over a mirror”?
This is an interesting quote: “And no. I didn’t do my deb. At the time I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that it was nothing more than a meat market.” And she, a victim of mad cow disease. Tragic . . .
I never made my debut, I could have, but declined - Society wasn’t ready for me. I don’t begrudge other girls their debut.
In the old days the introduction to society was very important. It meant you were available and it was one of the few ways that you would get to be known of in society as a single young woman. It was much more than the pretty girl in the pretty dress. I was all about money and status. Gosh, hasn’t this dope read any Jane Austin?Squatting over the mirror?
She’s looking for the keys to the truck.The truckie dropped them when he opened the door of the big rig, after he’d parked it.
Old joke. Very old.
And no. I didn’t do my deb. At the time I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that it was nothing more than a meat market.
Nothing quite says bitter old hag like being told you’ve got a face like a…
...smacked arse,
...bag of spanners,
...box of frogs,
...bulldog chewing on a wasp,
...smashed crab,
...Chernobyl Fireman’s Head,
...burst couch,
...dropped pie,
...cat licking shit off a thistle,
...a half-eaten pastie,
...a sucked mango...to get those princess-hating juices flowing right Cat?
Truth be told I didn’t think any bloke would partner me.
Maybe Stevie Wonder would’ve had a crack, though with that bitchy whinny voice I sincerely doubt it.
Thank God for my teenage angst and poor self-confidence.
Nothing’s changed Cat.
Hasn’t helped with your career choices either.
Posted by Jay Santos on 2008 03 04 at 09:00 PM • permalinkO/T
The Government has terminated the $1b defence contract for the Seasprite helicopter.#25 Paco,
“squatting over, or holding a mirror”, to your genitalia was one of the first things the feminists of the sixties advised women to do. The advice was “take a good long look at what actually makes you a woman”.
In some respects, it wasn’t such a bad idea. Many women of the time, and indeed many today, still have no idea exactly what they look like in their nether regions. And I wager there are not too many women who could find and identify the different parts that make up that most wondrous part of a female.
It may in many cases be “the road well-travelled”, but all human life must come through that doorway before they take their first breath.
Well, most human life. Some can’t wait or get jammed so they have to endure a bit of slice and grab! ;)
The thought of Ms Deveny scraping her mud flaps over a mirror on the floor reminds me that I have to collect the slugs from around my vege garden and feed them to the chooks.
Truth be told I didn’t think any bloke would partner me. Thank God for my teenage angst and poor self-confidence. If I were 16 today I’d be an Emo.
Here’s the source of her angst. If only she were 16 again.
Catherine states she is entitled to her opinion and it is a democracy. With that inspiration, here’s mine:
Your opinion sucks. You only ever see the negative. You failed to speak to a single modern woman who recently went through a ball for their opinion. Why? Because you didn’t want to hear how little girls still like to play dress ups and it was the highlight of their life so far. How very depressing for you.
Good Lord, Rush is right: feminism is the only way for the ugly women to get access to the mainstream. This article is proof!!
And now I have to go do something to get rid of the image of this ugly author ‘squatting over a mirror’ - geez louise! Gaze much?!
Posted by Sharon_Ferguson on 2008 03 04 at 09:36 PM • permalinkThere was a far less savoury incident where Catherine squatted over a coffee table, but this is not the place for that story.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 03 04 at 09:38 PM • permalinkPogria: maybe the “wondrous parts of a female” just aren’t that interesting, and that’s why the whole “mirror” thing petered out. So to speak.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2008 03 04 at 09:39 PM • permalink“a day when middle-class women, like myself, squat over mirrors and reflect on how far the sisterhood has come and what challenges lie ahead.”
Well, I’ve heard of navel gazing - but that is taking it a little far.
Reminds me of a joke though,
A woman goes to a gynecologist to have an examination. She is in the stirrups and the gynecologist is ready to begin when she hears
“Wow! that’s the largest vagina I’ve ever seen”
“Wow! that’s the largest vagina I’ve ever seen”
The woman is livid and shouts at the gynecologist.
“Well, you didn’t have to say it twice”
The gynecologist peaks around the sheet and replies,
“I didn’t”
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2008 03 04 at 09:40 PM • permalinkHa, my deb, 6 odd years ago sounds nothing like what she describes- it was the girls that wanted/ organised it, the girls that had all the power of finding a partner, the girls that forced everyone to dance and the girls that ended up getting the most hammered and being the most rowdy.
In fact I think it is safe to say that the girls were the only ones that had fun…get with the times Catherine and oppose it from a male rights perspective!!!#32 Pogria - one of the things I had to do recently was some extensive research into the subject. It can be difficult finding out what different surgeons’ results actually look like, and almost as difficult finding out appearances of “factory models” rather than “field upgrades” as it were. Vulvas vary. A lot.
But appearance isn’t everything, and you have to consider functionality too. That led me to research guys’ anatomies, for reasons which should be obvious if you think about it. The results shocked me, but let’s not go there.
peter m, in #33:
Here’s the source of her angst. If only she were 16 again.
Bingo. She’s a bitter woman because she isn’t young and innocent anymore (who ever is?). The world that she thought she would get isn’t what she got, and Catherine vents her anger and frustration by peeing on everyone else, just so they feel as miserable as she is.
What the crazy lady forgets that she’s writing, not standing above some street, whizzing away. We can look and pity her, or laugh at her, and all she can do is gnash her teeth in rage. I doubt that she has the backbone to physically confront people in this fashion.
She’s annoying, but can be ignored….except that Catherine Deveny should be held up for all to see as a prime example of how not to live your life.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2008 03 04 at 09:44 PM • permalinkY’all are killing me with laughter, I swear…and I’m s’posed to be paying attention in another window.
Why do men (well, “folks”) eat pussy?
Because G-d, in her wisdom, made it look so much like a taco…
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 03 04 at 10:01 PM • permalinkThey sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
For trying to change the system from withinCatherine Deveny should be aware of clitoral damage.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 03 04 at 10:25 PM • permalinkA neighbour of mine who’s a gynaecologist is renovating his house. Yesterday he wallpapered the living room through the mail slot.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 03 04 at 10:29 PM • permalinkROTFLMAO!!
Does the Deveny harridan also have a take on the Oscars, Logis, and Miss World pagants., So you think you can dance versions, Biggest loser franchise——car , instant soup and varius lotsa ads presaged on female sex appeal??—and um , what does she think of Hugh Hefner’s mags and porn DVD’s??????
LOL
Grow up ma!
MaddonnaDeveny goes into the hospital for a bit of reduction sugery on her vadge. Years of wear and tear have left her looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp down there. She tells the doc that under no circumstances can word of this operation ever become public.The operation is done and she comes around from the anathetic and immediately begins threatening to sue the doctor. He comes in to find her in tears and asks why she so upset.
“You bastard” she wails, “I told you not to tell anyone, so explain why theres 2 bunches of flowers in here?”The doctor tells her to calm down he will explain.
“One bunch is from the sugery team to make you feel a little better, the 2nd lot is from the bloke in the burns ward to thank you for his new ears….”Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 03 04 at 11:06 PM • permalinkInternational Women’s Day, a day when middle-class women, like myself, squat over mirrors and reflect on how far the sisterhood has come
Yeeeuch. TonyMcC, I no longer consider you my friend. It’s after a nice couple of hours at the pub and then you dish me this? not nice.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 04 at 11:11 PM • permalinkSomeone should tell Cathy to grow up or wake up or something. I’ve seen turtles show greater signs of jopi de vie whilst basking in the sun.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 04 at 11:14 PM • permalinkI’ve only got to #15, so maybe someone already said it. I can’t help myself; apologies in advance:
Squatting over a mirror,
dildo in hand,
thrusting,
thrusting,
vibrating the only way she can.Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 04 at 11:19 PM • permalinkDeveny is actually a comedy writer. She has been a writer on a string of Australian TV shows that failed because they were simply not funny. Which is maybe why she has now resorted to stealing material.
This is a quote from Eddie Monsoon is Absolutely Fabulous c.1993: “I’m just not the sort of woman who wants to spend a free afternoon squatted over a small hand mirror, you know. For God’s sake, I’ve seen doctors go pale.”Tune: ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie
I have to share this thing
that’s rattling in my head
with this glass I’ve seen my lips
A thousand times
I sometimes speak
to the thing that I most adore
Hello!
Is it me stuck to the floor?
I can see you have an eye
I can see it in your smile
You’re all I’ve ever wanted
And you open very wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I resemble you#64 Nic,
Why is Devenny at what, 30-40 something taking a peek at her clam caravan?
Because she is the only one to visit it?
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 04 at 11:35 PM • permalink#69 Paco, toodle pip??? LOL. Are you undergoing genetic surgery to turn yourself from honest American to a Brit???
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 04 at 11:38 PM • permalinkYet more fodder for Traceee’s never ending series on the hidden dangers of dredging.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2008 03 04 at 11:54 PM • permalinkFirst time ever I’ve “bookmarked” a thread.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 03 05 at 12:00 AM • permalink#52 - Pogria - I’m glad to be back. Montreal had blizzards, and Edmonton was fr-fr-fr- cold.
And definition of hilarious? The look on one gal’s face when she enters a room where a number of her G/Fs are comparing their anatomies in that area.
Results from different surgeons you see. And although their OB/GYNs all told them they looked normal, there’s always a bit of insecurity. A bit like teenagers really.
After more than 70 comments, Infidel Tiger still manages to come up with something, umm… fresh.
Very good.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2008 03 05 at 12:12 AM • permalinkwell, noone else has told it;
a woman goes to her doc and explains that everytime she squats a whistling noise comes from her vagina.
She demonstrates for him a few times and everytime whistling comes from her vagina.
The doc is stumped and rings a specialist and asks him to listen to the sound.
The woman squats and after hearing the whistle the specialist says; “sounds like some c..t whistling to me.”#82 Spiny,
I reckon Tiger needs some sort of formal recognition from the VRWC for his services to hilarity.
I think the offices of Wron-Pac and Wright-Co should put a team of their best Columbian Cocaine Crushers to work fashioning Tiger a medal. Any ideas on what the medal could look like?
#81 Hey Zoe, can’t stay away from the warm climes too long!Your reference to being like teenagers made me laugh. I only remember comparing boob size and armpit and twat hair when I was at school! LOL!!
I think the bit that stings the poor sad cow is that the girls enjoy the deb scene. they should aim to be far more drab.
Posted by Harry Buttle on 2008 03 05 at 01:28 AM • permalinkHa!! Ive caught her out.
Just on the QT and all my investigative reporters did a bit of scratching around and came up with this link showing her in the crowd partying on!!!
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2008 03 05 at 01:31 AM • permalinkI’m confused. A feminist squats over a mirror and discovers that women still have balls?
Must be different down under.
Posted by Harry Eagar on 2008 03 05 at 02:09 AM • permalinkVulvas vary. A lot.
Mine has a sofa upholstered in faded chintz and half a bag of stale Doritos. Or maybe not. Who knows—I never look “down there.” EWWW.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2008 03 05 at 02:16 AM • permalinkThank you all. I have now lost my appetite for my ham sub.
Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2008 03 05 at 02:19 AM • permalink#89 maybe #90 meant volvos? or Iced vovos?
Posted by stackja1945 on 2008 03 05 at 02:51 AM • permalink#88 frollickingmole
Would that be a deb ball in the ME?
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2008 03 05 at 03:34 AM • permalinkYe Gods.
I scanned this at work and had to pretend to have a coughing fit to mask the horrified hilarity.
Thank you all for drawing that veil of laughs over the large, hot, steaming dog turd of Deveny’s ‘writing’.
She really wrote that… words fail me.
An uncommon thing.
Why can’t she take up a hobby that does not involve writing anything ever again, dredges, or mirrors? Humourless, bile-filled, a wowser and unwilling to see anyone else having fun. How pitiful.
MarkL
Canberra#86 Pogria, she’ll just have to dive in and taste for herself.
Personally, every redhead whose “little man in the boat” I’ve had the privlege of tickling tasted, well, spicy.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 03 05 at 04:35 AM • permalinkDeveny’s article made me instantly desire a manicure. The bile-ridden bit I read, that is.
Posted by carpefraise on 2008 03 05 at 05:14 AM • permalinkwhat a snob Catharine is- looking down on the long term unemployed like that.
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2008 03 05 at 05:31 AM • permalinkLast itme ol’ catheter got on the gas, she ran out of dosh but still had to get a cab home; she climbed in the back, and told the cabbie “Brunswick thanks, Mputo, but I don’t have any money.” The driver, deeply concerned about losing out on the trip asked “How is it you will pay for the trip?” Catherine just smiled slyly and hitched up her skirt, revealing he vertical smile.
The hack driver looked in his rear view mirro, than asked “I’m sorry madam, but don’t you have anything smaller?”I reckon the mirror she squats on would’ve had to have been liberated from the Hubble Telescope; the anology like a wizards sleeve springs to mind, also perhaps like throwing a banana down Queen St.
Little wonder shows such as Rove and the rest on her CV suck like a V8 vaccuum- her prose is as humorous as being her gyno (whoever he/she is, they deserve danger money).
#51 - Pogria, your word is good enough for me.
As for Devony:
Let’s unpack shall we? When girls reached maturity (read: were considered old enough to put out) they were paraded around like cattle in wedding gowns to be judged by prospective husbands and their families.
I’ve seen debutante’s, and I’ve seen cattle at the sales. If she thinks they are one and the same, she is of bovine mentality.Deveny’s Lament:
Pussy, Cat’s pussy oh!, where have you been?
How did you get so unkempt, so unclean?
Pussy, Cat’s pussy oh, from over-use?
By my own hand I’m afraid, ...self-abuse.Posted by eeniemeenie on 2008 03 05 at 07:06 AM • permalinkSorry, after laughing up a lung at Habib and Eenie, I’m going to have to go Disney on yo ass;
CD: Mirror mirror on the floor,
who’s got the ugliest twat of all?MM In all the snatch’s across the land
all but your own have had in a man
In fact O’ Queen your words do so reek
You should shave your poor beaver
And teach it to speakCamille Paglia says female genitals are architecturally chaotic. A mirror just reverses right and left so isn’t going to help.
Guys have a wired-in feeling that there’s something to be understood there. The chaos helps to not disabuse him of this intuition. He gets over it when that neuron stops firing and he loses interest, at around age 85.
The guy looking at porn in the bookstore (Paglia’s book is pretty old) is looking for an answer to a question.
What interest a feminist would have, without that neuron, is not clear.
Rush Limbaugh got a chocolate vagina candy from some campus feminist group, and callers watching on his tv stream were writing to tell him he was holding it upside down.
I can see a feminist interest in chocolate. That makes sense.
Catherine dear, we love your lines
But you really are behind the times.
Your rear-view mirror’s so passe
For this digital age and day.
Head off to the camera store,
Explain what you want one for.
If you’re nice and pay in cash,
The salesman might give you a flash.
Take it home, assume the squat,
Point your pentax at your twat.- Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2008 03 05 at 08:58 AM • permalink
Oh. My. Goodness. This has me laughing in horror. And I thought this was a family blog!
Just to comment on her topic of debutante balls, and how they were cattle calls.
Um, not quite the way I read them. That was when young ladies were presented to society as being suitable to mix with polite company. They were seen as acceptable members of their community and therefore also acceptable as potential marriage partners.
Not quite offering up the fatted calf or providing the ruling male something to pick for the droit du seigneur (sp?).
I never got presented as a debutante, but I was also a rabid tomboy. I did help out when my classmates went to the deb, and I shocked many with the fact that I was capable of wearing a skirt and looked rather presentable.
I didn’t get asked, though, and I wasn’t particularly fussed.
Pity Catherine can’t say the same.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2008 03 05 at 08:59 AM • permalinkThanks folks - I shan’t be sleeping for a fortnight, for fear of the dreams this thread has likely inspired. I shall send the bill for my therapy to you, Blair.
Posted by rick mcginnis on 2008 03 05 at 11:27 AM • permalink#54 Pogria, upon reflection (no pun intended), the answer to your question is “Yes, someone did warn me”: my Mother.
“Have a slice of lemon handy”, says she.
“Why?”, says I.
“Well, If you’re going to do this thing, bite the lemon just before. If she screams, make your excuses, politely, and say ‘Goodnight’”.
I was a rakehell at a very young age, and Mom was a Lab Tech for an OB/GYN. I stopped by the clinic after school one day and she invited me to have a look through the microscope.
I saw the most terrifying array of tiny fauna: nightmarish creatures like ghastly microbial chainsaws swimming madly to and fro, wriggling monsters with heads like medieval Morning Stars and long scorpion-tipped tails whipping about, fiendish fishy things—like those that live in the dark depths—with fangs like scimitars, gnashing and snapping…
“Wow, Mom”, I exclaimed, “This poor woman must be very, very sick!”
“Actually, this is a slide from a perfectly healthy woman, dear.”, she said—punctuating her statement with a meaningful glance at the ‘scope.
Oh, and then there’s that smart-ass recruit at the Naval Boot Camp in San Diego. The process of humiliation and breaking down of ego and id begins even before the uniform haircut.
The Company Commander, calling us “worms” and “dick-breath”, stops in front of this unlikely lad and shouts “Worm, do you eat pussy? Well, worm, do you!?!?”
“Sir, yes Sir! It’s a dark and lonely job, Sir, but somebody’s got to do it, Sir!”
One hundred pushups for a doper just off the bus was no easy thing.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 03 05 at 07:24 PM • permalinkAhem, please, ladies and gentlemen, please.
Ahem.
And the winner for “Best Joke of the Year” TimBits Award, the twat Deveny!.
Someone should e-mail her this prize collection of jokes she has inspired .... just to humiliate her, of course.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 05 at 08:54 PM • permalinkI nominate this thread for the TimBits Derision Award of 2008.
There’s a theme here. Every year, we should hold a TimBits award (and Tim Hortons .. tough! (unless you will sponsor it))
What categories can we have?
Bush Derangement Syndrome (?) Likely to become dated.
Derision.
Largest Carbon Footprint
Self-haterAny other suggestions welcome (hey, come on, I can’t do all the work myself).
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2008 03 05 at 09:05 PM • permalinkWas that the one that succeeded the P’oon Dynasty?
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 03 06 at 04:43 AM • permalinkNo Wei! I gotta Han it to ya, JM, you are the Q’ing!
Posted by MentalFloss on 2008 03 06 at 08:44 PM • permalink
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I know you warned us… but even though I haven’t eaten for hours that was pretty close.
Good lord! Is that one of the criteria for being a feminist? I had no idea. No wonder I never joined up. I think I’d rather go curtsy at the deb ball even if they all laughed at me.