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MAY GOD HELP US ALL
The unstable and isolated Iowahawk regime joins the arms race:
In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle.
To the impotent yappings of the neighboring gangster devils, Iowahawk responds: howl away, bourgeois traitors of Lakewood Mobile Home Court! Your pitious lamentations and cowardly 911-callings will never stop Iowahawk from the great leap forward into great and powerful prosperity, using his mighty quiver of nuclear-tipped cherry bombs and fully-fissionable bottle rockets for peaceful unity purposes!
Also, we will need 100 pounds of glow-sticks.
Coming up - please can you wait till after the Royal Easter Show next year here in Sydney? I’ll happily buy up glowsticks for you
Hint: They last longer kept in the freezer
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2006 10 12 at 12:50 AM • permalinkBlair, you running-blog puppet lackey! We should have known you’d cave instantly like the Frenchman you are!
Posted by blandwagon on 2006 10 12 at 12:56 AM • permalink“Though Iowa is sexually the most prudish of societies, young girls of clear complexion are conscripted into ‘joy brigades’ for the use of senior officers and partyleaders”.
They are often referred to disparagingly as “children of the corn”.
Though most of his flock live in a primitive rural society, the supreme leader is rumoured to have a collection of 20,000 custom cars.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 12 at 01:08 AM • permalinkAccording to the Lancet, Iowan deaths from starvation due to the diversion of corn for the peaceful unity purposes of going nuclear are ... irrelevant.
However, any action to stop the evil Iowans will be met with an instantaeous 1 billion dead survey. Published just before the next election.
Posted by manbag's bagman on 2006 10 12 at 01:33 AM • permalinkThank GOD he was linked! We DO NOT need another demonstration of the fearsome-yet-peaceful Iowahawk Dear Leader’s superior strength… say, 500 sticks of dynamite down an old Iowa coal shaft.
As for Supreme Scientist Chuck… ya know, a bouffant… check that… a greaser ducktail and olive Hallowe’en costume with red shoulder flashes would scare livin’ hell outta me.
For sure 100% no more super happy times if Great Satan impose maize embargo.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 12 at 01:46 AM • permalinkLooks to me like that guy has power rays shooting out of his navel.
Or has Prince Planet dropped in from Radion again?Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2006 10 12 at 01:48 AM • permalink#1, Infidel Tiger:
Why does he hate us?
It’s our policies man! Dont you know anything?!?
We are such bad people! We are the hegimonies! Seriously! A really smart guy with a cool lookin goatee and one of those revolutionary type berrets said so at the coffee house today while I was ordering my supergrandeesemidemiextralatemilkfreesoycoffee!
Little did we know that our own Royal Australian Navy has been conducting secret tests of a new South East Asian response to North Korean aggression!
No worries, go ahead and send the Olde English 800.
The half-life is only 2 hours.Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2006 10 12 at 02:38 AM • permalink#23 Grimmy…
Problem is unless those Iowa people PROVE they are under 4 feet, 6 inches in height I just don’t think the world has a lot to fear… just no reason to think that full grown Iowans have an Oedipus complex.Now if there was some neurotic sawed-off little turd, holdin’ sway over some backwards 3RD world failed state, hmm… I’d be scared just wondering how in hell somebody like that could get any sort of power.
We need to dialogue, barndance… something! Send Madeline Albright. Better yet, send Wronwright.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 12 at 03:24 AM • permalinkI was born in Iowa City in 1976. My parents managed to get us out just six months later thankfully. I’m now 6’4”. The noble Iowans are a sturdy people who could thrive if it weren’t for The Hawk’s merciless regime. In truth, Iowans are bored short and underweight. It’s The Hawk’s cruel limitations on entertainment choices that has so broken this noble race. Forced to join marching bands and denied access to poolhalls and other “foreign” diversions they wander endless rows of corn broken only by the numerous pig or dairy farms.
The only solution is democracy. I have visited the place on many occasions to visit family who have been unable to escape. I remember my annual visits as a child. We would travel up the old Inter-State highway 71 under cover of darkness, arriving just before dawn. I would ask my father “Why do we always travel overnight papa? I can never see anything outside of the car.” I’ll never forget his cryptic refrain “You’re not missing anything. Go back to sleep.”
I wouldn’t though. I would stare out into the night bereft of lights except for the occasional structure set far away from the road. “What’s that that smell papa?” “Pigs and cows. I said go back to sleep.” Those calling for invasion are right to do so. The Hawk’s “fire-cracker” programs are vast. Barns on every hillside in the hinterlands are full to the roof with ordinance. He and his are a threat to world peace. He must be stopped, the people must be delivered from this tyrant, and democracy must be planted in that fertile soil.
Posted by The Apologist on 2006 10 12 at 05:46 AM • permalink#31, The Apologist:
We’ve heard all this before. Bitter immigrants, couldnt cut it in their own lands, needing someone to blame, create a mythical monster that chased them from their dream world and into our own harsh reality of dogs eating dogs in our merciless hegemonistic capitalist unculture.
You call for nation building in the lands of glorious IowaHawk lands but you know full well that that is impossible without first breaking it all asunder!
You are not thinking of the children!! All those poor, innocent children! With their deep and agelessly wise eyes gazing gently into your soul and asking you “why wont you think of me? Dont you have any feelings?”
This U-2 image shows soybeans massing to the east and south with maize mazes held in reserve. Illinois and Missouri are at Defcorn 1.
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2006 10 12 at 08:39 AM • permalinkLocal authorities across the midwest have raised the threat level from ‘Burt’ to ‘Cookie Monster’. Nebraska and Missouri schoolchildren are being taught to ‘duck and cover’ once again. Loudspeakers are blaring polkas all along the Iowa border. Corn-fusion seems to be the order of the day.
Hope you’re happy, Jiminy Carter and Madeline Halfbright. Your brazen release of ethanol an bio-diesel technology returns to haunt the rest of us.
Avenge me, Oklahoma.
Good Lord, I hope they don’t raise it to the Count, otherwise our days are numbered!
This terrible conflict bubbling in the dairies and farms of the Midwest must be halted, or at least harnessed for the purposes of a new cheesy comestible.Posted by Simon Darkshade on 2006 10 12 at 11:12 AM • permalinkKJ-il may have that eraser-head look going for him, but Chuck has a mullet! No doubt Cindy Sheehan will be visiting any day now to sing his praises and try to get in his pants.
Also, we should probably send some human shields along with the glowsticks. I nominate Al Gore. He could cover a whole trailer park all by himself.
The world must not forget Iowa’s sordid past—the invasion of Missouri, once known as South Iowa.
Unprovoked, the forefathers of Iowahawk and his ilk, brutally marched roughshod in their hobnailed sandals right straight over it’s peaceful neighbor. Even the capital, Branson, was not spared, causing millions of refugees to flee to the Ozarks.
But for the intervention of The Grand Ole Opry and the rest of the free world, even more people would be trapped today in poverty, starvation and a permanent shortage of banjos.
Let not this historic wrong go unmarked. NEVER FORGET !
Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2006 10 12 at 11:32 AM • permalinkNo blood for ethanol! No to sanctions! Increase corn subsidies for the
peopleworkers of Iowa.Join Cindy on her Corn Fast for Peace along with President Carter’s Peanuts for Peace and Bill Clinton’s We Shall Overcum. It’s time to end the provocation of Iowa blogs. Donate now.
Posted by andycanuck on 2006 10 12 at 11:55 AM • permalinkAs a proud, but peace-loving, member of Mr Iowahawk’s legion of the damned, I should warn commenters on this dissident and unreconstructed blogging place that names, addreses and offence details are being compiled for future reference and severe peace-loving action.
#19: Mr Joe B - Canadian Club is fine.
Send a few cases to me and I will personally see that they get to The Dear Leader
And a real Canadian Club shows its support for the state of Iowahawk:
http://www.thecornmaze.ca/
(Any resemblance illustrated to an NBC suit is purely coincidental.)Posted by andycanuck on 2006 10 12 at 04:24 PM • permalinkA fair question, that, and one that has plagued me for many months.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2006 10 12 at 05:18 PM • permalink#43 Easy. Wronwright is the better looking one.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 10 12 at 07:18 PM • permalinkBut can we use the bottle rockets to deliver 300 kilos of white mice?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 10 12 at 08:18 PM • permalink22, 26. They may only be 4’6”... but there’s a lot of those little fuckers.
Posted by Vanguard of the Commentariat on 2006 10 12 at 09:27 PM • permalinkWronwright is the better looking one.
Wronwright got the looks and Madeleine got the brains?
I feel a Robot moment coming on: ‘It-does-not-compute…’Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2006 10 12 at 09:58 PM • permalinkJust dandy - how am I going to reconcile my conflicting memberships in the Illinois Army National Guard and the Legion of Dumb??!
Maybe Professor Reynolds will send Iowahawk some OE and calm things down…
Posted by Major John on 2006 10 12 at 11:02 PM • permalinkYou tell me how warmed the cockles of your heart are, when you’re lying on your death bed with bird flu? Those weren’t children either, but full sized Iowan death bots.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 13 at 02:32 AM • permalink
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Why does he hate us?