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LEAKS TO BE PLUGGED
Kevin Rudd’s Budget response might be the emptiest speech yet made in Australia’s parliament. Extracts:
I am an optimist when it comes to our country’s future.
Tonight I want to outline our plan for our country’s future.
We are truly blessed to be Australians.
We live in a stable democracy, when many in the world do not.
There is nothing to hold us back as a nation and as a people – except a lack of long-term vision.
We are part of a world that is changing faster than ever before.
Big changes are coming.
Big challenges are waiting around the corner.
They will dramatically influence almost every aspect of our lives – some for the better, others for the worse.
And some will be upon us in the blink of an eye.
We can either seize the great opportunities that have been presented to us. Or we can squander them.
The truth is the sun is shining right now on Australia.
We must seize the day and get our house in order.
Productivity is the measure of how efficiently we produce goods and services.
The better trained we are, the greater our productivity.
The better our use of technology in the workplace, the greater our productivity.
The better our management in the workplace, the greater our productivity.
Productivity is a bit like getting the best performance out of your engine for the least amount of fuel.
Sometimes the wind changes direction and there can be lots of turbulence. And the only way to get home is with powerful engines that can do the hard yards in any conditions.
The time for action is now.
The earlier you invest in a child’s educational opportunities, the better the result.
Good for the child.
Good for the country.
For business it is a tough and highly competitive world out there.
Our intention is to enable Australian businesses to take on the world and win.
We want to unite Australia, not see it divided.
Pure boilerplate, all the way. And at the end:
I conclude my remarks where I began.
I am a great optimist when it comes to our country’s future.
Good for him. Kevni was a little light on specifics, however, although he does plan a nationwide plumbing initiative:
Tonight I announce that if elected, we will begin by establishing a modest national fund to start plugging the leaks in the water pipes of our towns and cities.
UPDATE. Dminor asks: “Why did the Budget Reply sound like it was written (and delivered) by Bindi Irwin?”
UPDATE II. Andrew Bolt wraps it up.
Is this an example of that Ozzie dry satirical humour?
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 05 10 at 12:33 PM • permalinkMock Rudd if you must, Mr Blair. But as I move around this great country nowadays, people I encounter everywhere - in pubs, at barbecues, in restaurants and in workplaces from Broome to Bondi - are saying the same thing; their cacophony must now be regarded as nothing less than a vast continental prayer of national yearning. It’s Time, they’re saying, trembling - time to fix our water pipes.
Tonight I announce that if elected, we will begin by establishing a modest national fund to start plugging the leaks in the water pipes of our towns and cities.
Oh bold visionary! A clarion call to action not heard since Kennedy or Churchill…
Posted by Major John on 2007 05 10 at 01:15 PM • permalinkMy Dad was a plumber and if he were still here with us, he would be now polishing his spanners and whatever he used to fix leaky pipes to start on fixing the leaky pipes of OZ right now
He would have heard Kevin’s Cooeeee for plumbers for sure
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 05 10 at 01:30 PM • permalinkWas there are fork in the road mentioned?
I didn’t see or hear Kevin speak - we were down at our local sports club having a nice dinner and putting our hard earned $5 into the pokies
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 05 10 at 01:43 PM • permalinkIf the way the local government handles things around here is any indication, once they get control they’d forget about the pipe repairs, divert all of the money into high-cost projects to build communal wells for everyone and try to convince us to give up indoor plumbing for the good of the Earth. Oh well, I guess a little cholera epidemic never hurt anyone…
Umm…
I don’t know how it is in the Southern Hemisphere, but up here in the great white North of Florida, God has not seen fit to grant the power of legislating away drought to our elected leaders.Thus, you can
lay as much pipe as you wish(censored) fix pipes from dusk ‘til dawn, but the wildfires aren’t going out, and the saltwater intrusion into the aquifer is a real possibility.But if Rudd’s plan works, he can’t be more populist (or less principled) than our Governor, so ol’ Chain Gang Charlie will have no problem trying it.
Sydney Water were round at our place a few days ago because we have a leak. Everytime I have a shower, I give the road outside a wash as well.
They told us to get a plumber, so come on Kevin, you’re from Queensland, and now you want to fix leaks - come on down!
I take it you’ll do it for free of course, since you already have a paying day job…..
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 05 10 at 05:36 PM • permalinkEach time Kevin comes on the teev I just switch off mentally. I know I should be watching, since I reckon we’re about near trainwreck status, but I can’t bring myself to.
Especially when he started spouting the crap about fixing the leaks. I did see that bit.
I still can’t figure out if he’s for real or not.
And for our seppo friends: Who is the American pres who apparently said that the time to fix the roof is when the sun is shining?
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 05 10 at 05:41 PM • permalinkI hate to be a cynic, but I fear that the Australian electorate may absorb Kevni’s pitch in the following way:
“Blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah TWELVE MEGABYTES PER SECOND BROADBAND! mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah…”
Posted by Abu Chowdah on 2007 05 10 at 05:49 PM • permalinkWe live in a stable democracy…
Albeit a lightweight one.Poor Kev must be dying for someone to call him a clever politician - but at least give him credit for refusing to pander to the electorate with good economic management.
12 megabytes per second? No more annoying breaks in those late night films, that leave us so tired and frustrated.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 06:06 PM • permalinkThis speech would have been greatly improved by several glasses of whiskey.
“I’m an optometrist when it comes to our country’s future, which means it’s pretty clear to me that we blasted Australians live in a stable-democracy - just like we were animals or something! (sobs once or twice, and wipes nose on shirt-sleeve). So, it’s time to bust out of this barn - tunneling under the corn crib seems to be the best plan - ‘cause there’s nothing there to hold us back. And you know how I know there’s nothing there to hold us back? ‘Cause I’m an optometrist and I’ve got x-ray vision.
Now, sometimes the wind changes direction, and there can be turbulence. A lotta turbulence. A . . . lot . . . of . . . Ohhhh . . . (covers mouth with one hand, and clutches stomach with the other). But, I’ve found, that if you blink your eyes, and grab hold of something solid, like the side of the bed, or a faucet, then it makes the room stop spinning around, like a bunch of powerful Indians circling the cabin and messing up the yard. And remember - (adopts Wagnerian overtones). Today, Australia. Tomorrow, the world! Thankyouveddymuch.”
Kev will be hoping the voters decide that a change is as good as a holiday, rather than better the devil you know.
But I guess he never knows his luck in the big city.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 07:24 PM • permalinkI can almost see Roy and HG delivering that speech.
Though they would be more entertaining.
Posted by Harry Buttle on 2007 05 10 at 07:24 PM • permalinkIf he tries hard, and seizes the day, I think he will do well, and at the end of the day, he can only do his best - one step at a time.
(BTW Hey Kev, looking for a speechwriter? This is a piece of piss.)
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 07:29 PM • permalinkMum and I tried to watch Rudd’s speech. She walked out after 2 minutes, because it was so boring. I ended up leaving the room, poking my head in occasionally, to see if he’d moved onto the next topic. Nope. He’s “productivity” mad, and thinks if he repeats the word 1000 times, we’ll all believe him.
BTW did you see Julia Gillard’s reaction after the speech? “Kevin Rudd made it perfectly clear, we’re fiscal conservatives”. GOLD.
I think Australia is good. Certainly, there are many people living in Australia - I call them Australians - who are good people. Let’s not forget those living overseas and elsewhere who are not Australians.
I believe in teamwork, and I believe, if we act now, and work together, we will go a long way.
If we don’t work as a team, if we try to go it alone, we won’t get as far - we would have gone much less distance down the road, and this would not be good for children in the car who would ask “Are we there yet?”
Getting further would be good for children, good for the country, and I want things to be good, not bad for the country where many Australians live, many of them children, in the place I call Australia.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 08:02 PM • permalinkWho believes honestly that a large chunk of the nation who have put Kevni ahead in the polls weren’t sitting last night salivating over ‘their’ Kevni’s genius. Ignorance is bliss.
Flanked on each shoulder by the lefties - Gillard and Albanese chirping in chorus, and behind them were two of the PC elects - the girls fighting to have their heads seen clearly in the space created when Kevni moved left and right.
With the same tired old crowd behind him, his shallow response to the budget display should be enough for fence sitters, to dispel any doubt over his pretension that he has the ability to run Australia.
Posted by Macosghair on 2007 05 10 at 08:04 PM • permalink#51 Roy and HG? I kept hearing and seeing John Cleese and his merry Monty Pythons.
KRudd has often criticised Howard for taking us back to the past, but KRudd’s plans to introduce tech training into high schools take me back to the 1940s.
Four of the subjects in my high school curriculum were woodwork, metalwork, technical drawing and agriculture.
None them did me any harm, so maybe this is one Kruddy idea that has some merit.what a ruddy little boy our Kevni is.
And I mean that in a clever way…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 05 10 at 08:06 PM • permalinkWe have to move forward. I believe that being stationary, and most of all - going backwards, would be a backward step.
Remaining stationary would be less of a backwards step than a backward step, but compared to someone going forward, remaining still is much like a backward step in many ways.
And let us not forget, that China and India have more plumbers than we can ever imagine, all of whom could take a step that would spin the earth out of orbit.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 08:18 PM • permalinkJesus, it’s like listening to an autistic child saying the same thing over and over again. I had the telly on last night, and these were the first two sentences:
I am an optimist when it comes to our country’s future. Tonight I want to outline our plan for our country’s future.
I couldn’t stand it, turned the thing off straight away.
Did Rudd hire Gertrude Stein as a speechwriter?
OT apparently Australia’s media is uniting to protect free speech.
Note to Australian media: just STFU.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 08:33 PM • permalinkS-bends are an important part of Australian infrastructure and deserve a mention in any budget.
Ogee, Ogee, Ogee - Oi! Oi! Oi!
Posted by Whale Spinor on 2007 05 10 at 09:24 PM • permalink“I conclude my remarks where I began.”
And with that, Kevin unsnapped his “World’s Greatest Diplomat” braces, removed his strides, pulled down his platic lined Mickey Mouse underwear and inserted his head fair and true up his own arse.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 09:28 PM • permalink$250m for Asian languages? What a joke. We’d be better giving that money to the poor bastards who don’t speak English. In case the four eyed git hasn’t cottoned on, the rules of the business world are - “Speak English or stay poor”.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 09:33 PM • permalinkWas I the only one last night who heard Mark Colvin on PM refer to “Cave-in Rudd”.
Posted by Crunchy Peanut Butter on 2007 05 10 at 09:36 PM • permalinkKevin Rudd’s Budget response might be the emptiest speech yet made in Australia’s parliament.
Hollow speech from a hollow man, Tim, but sadly I read stuff like this everyday from generation X and Y journalists. I fear the X’ers and Y’sters are impressed by this stuff from Rudd. They want a hollow man who says reassuring things because that’s the 21st century. It’s the nanny state, it’s the cotton wool society where you can’t even have hot water in your home in case some kid gets scalded
#83 - Since most of my education was achieved at The School of Hard Knocks and The University of Life, I admit that one went over my head like a bulldozer would Rachael Corrie’s. Google has enlightened me.
Bravo, Whale Spinor!
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 10:16 PM • permalinkA terribly turgid load of waffle from Kevvie, who looked like someone had laced his hot choccy with cascara, and he had the turtle’s head for the duration of the diatribe. He desperately needs a Graham Freudenberg, or at least a Don Watson to pen his screeds- shit, I reckon I could do better with a spruik that’d appeal to the believers:-
“Men, women and transgenders of Gondwanna, I see a light on the hill, but we have to take the right fork to the light. and in right fork, I mean left fork, as left is better than right, except for book-keeping. I see a no leak country, a country more leak-free than my sphincter, and my wife, or at least our laundry maid can confirm that my shreddies are skidless, unlike the PM whose fart-catchers no doubt look like the starting grid at Sandown, what with him being an incontinent old fart- no disrespect to our age-enhanced fellow Australians, who provide valuable votes if we offer a big enough sling.”
How’s that for a start? I’m available, Kev, if the dollars meet expectations.
Bugger, competition from Habib. I’m rooted.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 10:33 PM • permalink“Hi, I’m Kevin, I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help!”
SUCK MY NUTSClean my pipes.Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 10:43 PM • permalinkRudd’s talk of plugging leaks, and the stimulus that such a statement naturally gives to plumbing allusions, puts me in mind of a company in California ( a septic tank cleaner, I believe it is) that a friend told me about. Their motto is: “We’re #1 in the #2 business.” Perhaps that’s in the public domain, by now, and Labour can use it as their slogan, without charge.
Rudd is right. We need to develop an exit strategy. A red X on the calendar, if you will, indicating a specific date and time for when this madness must end.
To continue the commitment without a plan for its conclusion is not in the national interest.
I say, we must establish a timetable for the end of Rudd’s tortured metaphors.
Bring the suffering similes, litotes and zeugma home before Christmas.
#98
Paco, Your Esteemed Sleuthiness .... I venture to update your vast knowledge of affairs, (and I am assuming your are from the USA). Down here in Oz, we are very literate folk and spell words like colour, valour, etc the proper way -with the “ou” rather than the
semi-literate “o” (color, valor), etc as seen in some allegedly English speaking lands. Strangely though, the Australian Labor Party spells it Labor, rather than Labour which is correct in our context (as K. Trad would say)Hope this helps
Cheers
RodCThis thread has evolved (if that be the right word)into a plethora of pooh jokes. Serves himself right.
(As he attempts to extinguish his flaming overalls) A bloke should be able to do his job without being set on fire
Now I know why drunken yobs chuck flaming dunny rolls at porta loo plumbers.
Cause it’s fun
98. paco
A plumber from my old hometown of Northampton WA has your blokes slogan beaten hands down.
On the side of his shit cart truck was the slogan “satsfaction guaranteed or double your shit back”.Must have worked hes been in business for 20 or so years now.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 05 10 at 11:57 PM • permalink#43 anthony_r
With any luck it will be FlushRudd.
FlushKrudd.
Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 05 11 at 12:23 AM • permalinkThe better trained we are, the greater our productivity.
The better our use of technology in the workplace, the greater our productivity.
The better our management in the workplace, the greater our productivity.
The better a tautology is written, the more often it is always true.
Posted by Michael Levy on 2007 05 11 at 12:29 AM • permalinkOT Man of Lettuce has a post seeking donations for Lance Corporal Johnson Beharry VC to visit Australia for Reserve Forces Day.
Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 05 11 at 01:08 AM • permalinkWhile talking silly things this man says, on Sunrise this morning Rudd mentioned that Tony Blair’s big achievment was bringing peace to Northern Ireland:
” He’s made this huge contribution to finally settling peace in Northern Ireland. I mean, remember where Northern Ireland has been for 300 years. This is a huge contribution.” Link
I am pretty sure there was no such place as “Northern Ireland” until the 1920’s.
Posted by Villeurbanne on 2007 05 11 at 01:23 AM • permalinkAndrew Leigh has an interesting post about Kevin Rudd’s dream of an Asian speaking populace:
What he omitted to mention was that this announcement is in some sense the fulfillment of a 1994 report written by an ambitious young staffer to then Queensland Premier Wayne Goss. Formally known as Asian Languages and Australia’s Economic Future, it was colloquially termed “the Rudd Report”.
A thirteen year old dream about to come true for Kevin from Queensland?
Posted by Villeurbanne on 2007 05 11 at 01:49 AM • permalinkWe lived in belfast for a year. Blair, Thatcher, the British army made not a scrap of difference to the outcome. The Falls and Shankhill boys eventually killed enough of each other and innocent bystanders that the rest of the population ran out of patience and said “enough.” The 1998 atrocity at Omagh shocked everyone out of their shoes, in the republic and the north. That’s why Ian Paisley and Marty McGuinness are presiding over the legislature: 30 years of war makes everyone weary.
#24 Abu, that’s exactly what I heard!
Now what does it all mean?
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 05 11 at 01:58 AM • permalinkI believe senior ranks of the provisional IRA changed their beligerent attitude when members of their ranks started turning up in car boots dead, with obvious signs of having been co-erced to give up fellow members. That’s when operations such as Gibraltar started to fail, with the active cells being wiped out.
#107 sparrow
Rudd is a soundbite’s dream, he reminds me of a doll where you pull the string on the back…THIS GOVER blah bla bla blah blah ba(head tilting side to side)
I’ve been wondering if Rudd got some of his stuff from here. It all seems much the same. (Unfortunately I couldn’t find an audio version on line).
#119 Dylan
You’re right about Northern Ireland. From 1920 to be precise. But 300 years! Oh, what’s in a few hundred years one way or the other? Hmm but he did say “remember where Northern Ireland has been for 300 years.” Actually I thought it has always been in the same place, but I suppose I could be wrong. Maybe Rudd knows something we don’t.
So why isn’t he so optimistic about our past?
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 11 at 02:03 AM • permalink#81 Contrail, it’s worse than that. If I recall correctly, you can have your kitchen hot water limited at a higher temp than your bathroom cold water.
New regs coming in here in Brackistan will have every house by 2030 with a pressure limiting valve on the mains so that it doesn’t go over 500kpa (this is off the top of my head and I don’t have the paperwork in front of me). One way to save water, I guess. If you don’t let as much through you won’t use as much.
And on another side of things, my girl is in family day care, which is so regulated that her carer is a)not allowed to cook when children are in the house, and b)not allowed to use the microwave to heat up her lunch. I usually send pastas and bakes and stuff to feed her, and now it gets heated up on the stove.
It’s to protect the children, you see.
Buggered if I know how that is, but then I’m one of those primitive parents who believe that a kid will stick his fingers near a hot stove once.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 05 11 at 02:13 AM • permalinkKeatings J curve is being replaced by kevni’s S-bend. Which is pretty much where this country will be heading when he and butch get their collective hands on the chains and buttons of the economy. The unions will be flush with funds, jobs will be down the drain and the whole cistern will be ruined. I guess we will just have to solder on.
Posted by surfmaster on 2007 05 11 at 02:40 AM • permalink#80 Bonmot You beat me to it with that link. The only thing though is that a link to Rhapsody on line only works if you are in the US. Hence my link to the text at #125 above.
All in all though, I commend Kevni Rudd for his earnest speech. May be come up with many more just like it between now and the election.
We must seize the day and get our house in order.
This line makes it all suddenly very clear. Margo Kingston is Rudd’s speechwriter:
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2007 05 11 at 02:55 AM • permalinkA smidge O/T… I rather like the slogan on the mail-out from my local cherub cheeked federal member.
Kevin Rudd and Labor Forging a New Consensus on Climate Change
Presumably, the old consensus wasn’t working too well. Oh and there have been decades of inaction from the federal government with respect to climate change.
#120
I think the Hereford Gun Club stopped the “hard arrest” back in the late eighties.#128 sparrow,
We were in Omagh the Saturday before with our kids, then aged 13 & 15. Back in Belfast we said things loudly about the Irish situation (not very wise in the past) and had lots of agreement. Omagh really was the tipping point for the IRA and UDC. They shocked themselves when they sent children towards the bombs.
When will islamists shock themselves? Never, I expect. Too much carnage is never enough (to paraphrase Roy & HG).
Rod C -
Down here in Oz, we are very literate folk and spell words like colour, valour, etc the proper way -with the “ou” rather than the semi-literate “o” (color, valor), etc as seen in some allegedly English speaking lands.
The Canadians also spell their words with the “ou” rather than the “o”. And I believe certain words like “center” are have the “e” and “r” transposed, reading “centre”.
I’m not sure why the Americans don’t follow these spelling rules. Maybe because it seemed too French the other way?
Posted by wronwright on 2007 05 11 at 06:03 AM • permalinkI’m not sure why the Americans don’t follow these spelling rules. Maybe because it seemed too French the other way?
The Americans didn’t want to “surrender” their vowels…......
Posted by surfmaster on 2007 05 11 at 06:08 AM • permalinkIt really is out of Yes, Minister:
It is a very great pleasure to be here with you all today. You know, things are changing fast. We live in a world of change. The silicon chip is changing our lives. The quality of life is becoming more and more important: the environment, conservation, the problems of pollution, the future of our children and our children’s children, these are today’s issues. ...
You know, I used to think Rudd was the best of a Bad Bunch. Now I’m afraid he is.
Not actually insane like Latham, just.. A Hack.After reading the mockery here, I wondered how the donkeys at Lardarse Prodildo would defend the indefensible. We have this from Mark B:
One of the smartest aspects of Rudd’s budget reply was his leaky pipes promise - because it responds to people’s actual lived experience, not the scattergun bribery and headline grabbing symbolism Costello specialises in.
What’s funnier is he is serious!
#86 don watson? wash your mouth out habib. we had enough of his overblown semi-educated drivel in the 80s when he was with keating. his book about those times was a an unintentional cack though. every time he wrote a landmark speech they thought would catch australia’s attention it fell flat, & in that delightful tome watson frequently wonders why. it was because they had no clue what australians think. still don’t, and neither does kruddy.
did you guys see the lateline doorstop with krudd coming out of a meeting with the miners? they had obviously bored it up him something frightful. not a happy chappy
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Kevni should plug the leaks in his boilerplate first…