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LEAKS TO BE PLUGGED

Kevin Rudd’s Budget response might be the emptiest speech yet made in Australia’s parliament. Extracts:

I am an optimist when it comes to our country’s future.

Tonight I want to outline our plan for our country’s future.

We are truly blessed to be Australians.

We live in a stable democracy, when many in the world do not.

There is nothing to hold us back as a nation and as a people – except a lack of long-term vision.

We are part of a world that is changing faster than ever before.

Big changes are coming.

Big challenges are waiting around the corner.

They will dramatically influence almost every aspect of our lives – some for the better, others for the worse.

And some will be upon us in the blink of an eye.

We can either seize the great opportunities that have been presented to us. Or we can squander them.

The truth is the sun is shining right now on Australia.

We must seize the day and get our house in order.

Productivity is the measure of how efficiently we produce goods and services.

The better trained we are, the greater our productivity.

The better our use of technology in the workplace, the greater our productivity.

The better our management in the workplace, the greater our productivity.

Productivity is a bit like getting the best performance out of your engine for the least amount of fuel.

Sometimes the wind changes direction and there can be lots of turbulence. And the only way to get home is with powerful engines that can do the hard yards in any conditions.

The time for action is now.

The earlier you invest in a child’s educational opportunities, the better the result.

Good for the child.

Good for the country.

For business it is a tough and highly competitive world out there.

Our intention is to enable Australian businesses to take on the world and win.

We want to unite Australia, not see it divided.

Pure boilerplate, all the way. And at the end:

I conclude my remarks where I began.

I am a great optimist when it comes to our country’s future.

Good for him. Kevni was a little light on specifics, however, although he does plan a nationwide plumbing initiative:

Tonight I announce that if elected, we will begin by establishing a modest national fund to start plugging the leaks in the water pipes of our towns and cities.

UPDATE. Dminor asks: “Why did the Budget Reply sound like it was written (and delivered) by Bindi Irwin?”

UPDATE II. Andrew Bolt wraps it up.

Posted by Tim B. on 05/10/2007 at 12:14 PM
  1. Kevni should plug the leaks in his boilerplate first…

    Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 05 10 at 12:31 PM • permalink

  2. Is this an example of that Ozzie dry satirical humour?

    Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 05 10 at 12:33 PM • permalink

  3. The surf is very nice at our local beach. We’re catching lots of fish, not destitute, living off our own money. And Kevni can get knotted. We don’t need the ALP to sort our affairs. We’ve already done that.

    Posted by mareeS on 2007 05 10 at 12:35 PM • permalink

  4. Mock Rudd if you must, Mr Blair. But as I move around this great country nowadays, people I encounter everywhere - in pubs, at barbecues, in restaurants and in workplaces from Broome to Bondi - are saying the same thing; their cacophony must now be regarded as nothing less than a vast continental prayer of national yearning. It’s Time, they’re saying, trembling - time to fix our water pipes.

    Posted by C.L. on 2007 05 10 at 12:46 PM • permalink

  5. I’m sorry but modest government fund and lefty are incompatible.

    Posted by yojimbo on 2007 05 10 at 01:14 PM • permalink

  6. addendum begins….now

    Sorta like oil and water.

    Posted by yojimbo on 2007 05 10 at 01:15 PM • permalink

  7. Tonight I announce that if elected, we will begin by establishing a modest national fund to start plugging the leaks in the water pipes of our towns and cities.

    Oh bold visionary! A clarion call to action not heard since Kennedy or Churchill…

    Posted by Major John on 2007 05 10 at 01:15 PM • permalink

  8. My Dad was a plumber and if he were still here with us, he would be now polishing his spanners and whatever he used to fix leaky pipes to start on fixing the leaky pipes of OZ right now

    He would have heard Kevin’s Cooeeee for plumbers for sure

    Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 05 10 at 01:30 PM • permalink

  9. Does Kevni not have speechwriters?

    Posted by m on 2007 05 10 at 01:37 PM • permalink

  10. Um people, when Rudd was talking about water pipes, he didn’t mean the water & sewage system; he was talking about bongs.

    Posted by rbj1 on 2007 05 10 at 01:42 PM • permalink

  11. Was there are fork in the road mentioned?

    I didn’t see or hear Kevin speak - we were down at our local sports club having a nice dinner and putting our hard earned $5 into the pokies

    Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 05 10 at 01:43 PM • permalink

  12. What’s to complain of? If Kevni is busy fixing leaking pipes he can’t get up to real trouble.

    Posted by Retread on 2007 05 10 at 01:44 PM • permalink

  13. “Tonight I announce that if elected, we will begin by establishing a modest national fund to start plugging the leaks in the water pipes of our towns and cities.”

    And where’s he going to get the money for that?  Detail, details, details…

    Posted by aaron_ on 2007 05 10 at 01:46 PM • permalink

  14. If the way the local government handles things around here is any indication, once they get control they’d forget about the pipe repairs, divert all of the money into high-cost projects to build communal wells for everyone and try to convince us to give up indoor plumbing for the good of the Earth.  Oh well, I guess a little cholera epidemic never hurt anyone…

    Posted by Vexorg on 2007 05 10 at 02:41 PM • permalink

  15. #9 m,

    You don’t need speech writers when you have The Big Book of Bromides!

    Posted by saltydog on 2007 05 10 at 02:43 PM • permalink

  16. Umm…
    I don’t know how it is in the Southern Hemisphere, but up here in the great white North of Florida, God has not seen fit to grant the power of legislating away drought to our elected leaders.

    Thus, you can lay as much pipe as you wish (censored) fix pipes from dusk ‘til dawn, but the wildfires aren’t going out, and the saltwater intrusion into the aquifer is a real possibility.

    But if Rudd’s plan works, he can’t be more populist (or less principled) than our Governor, so ol’ Chain Gang Charlie will have no problem trying it.

    Posted by brett_l on 2007 05 10 at 03:12 PM • permalink

  17. “I have already announced our intention in government of adopting a simple principle: no new regulation imposed on business unless an existing regulation is withdrawn.”

    I think I can safely say that the above promise will be broken within miliseconds of KRudd ever being elected.

    Posted by 2dogs on 2007 05 10 at 03:41 PM • permalink

  18. So the national platitude shortage is over, I see.

    Posted by Merlin on 2007 05 10 at 03:49 PM • permalink

  19. I conclude my remarks where I began.

    Betcha’ that line made folks damn queasy.

    Posted by El Cid on 2007 05 10 at 04:25 PM • permalink

  20. Sydney Water were round at our place a few days ago because we have a leak.  Everytime I have a shower, I give the road outside a wash as well.

    They told us to get a plumber, so come on Kevin, you’re from Queensland, and now you want to fix leaks - come on down!

    I take it you’ll do it for free of course, since you already have a paying day job…..

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 05 10 at 05:36 PM • permalink

  21. They prolly used to plug the cistern leaks via KRuddy’s head in bowl in the ol’ school days.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 05:39 PM • permalink

  22. Each time Kevin comes on the teev I just switch off mentally. I know I should be watching, since I reckon we’re about near trainwreck status, but I can’t bring myself to.

    Especially when he started spouting the crap about fixing the leaks. I did see that bit.

    I still can’t figure out if he’s for real or not.

    And for our seppo friends: Who is the American pres who apparently said that the time to fix the roof is when the sun is shining?

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 05 10 at 05:41 PM • permalink

  23. So Labor would form a committee with a view to creating an agenda for a National Plumbing Initiative or other ...

    What’s the platform slogan: Flushback?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 05:44 PM • permalink

  24. I hate to be a cynic, but I fear that the Australian electorate may absorb Kevni’s pitch in the following way:

    “Blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah TWELVE MEGABYTES PER SECOND BROADBAND! mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah meh mnyah blah mah mnyah blah blah mnnnah blah mah mah nah blah bleh meh nyah…”

    Posted by Abu Chowdah on 2007 05 10 at 05:49 PM • permalink

  25. #22 An important question Nilk. I noticed Kruddy did not give a name to the American President who uttered such profound advice.
    I thought at the time that his quote might not stand up to a Snopes check.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 05 10 at 05:54 PM • permalink

  26. We live in a stable democracy…
    Albeit a lightweight one.

    Posted by lotocoti on 2007 05 10 at 05:54 PM • permalink

  27. Why did the Budget Reply sound like it was written (and delivered) by Bindi Irwin?

    Posted by Dminor on 2007 05 10 at 05:59 PM • permalink

  28. PlumbingAberrationControl.Org might be worth registering.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 05 10 at 05:59 PM • permalink

  29. #22
    Jack the Back.
    Ya gotta love American Tabloid.

    Posted by lotocoti on 2007 05 10 at 06:02 PM • permalink

  30. Poor Kev must be dying for someone to call him a clever politician - but at least give him credit for refusing to pander to the electorate with good economic management.

    12 megabytes per second? No more annoying breaks in those late night films, that leave us so tired and frustrated.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 06:06 PM • permalink

  31. Margos, I hope Kevni checks to see how much the current government’s Hibis scheme has cost the taxpayers before he embarks on 10Mb/s for everyone.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 05 10 at 06:11 PM • permalink

  32. #10 rbj1

    Yep that’s what he meant.

    I’m calling my broker and going long on plasticine.

    Posted by Pickles on 2007 05 10 at 06:12 PM • permalink

  33. and silly putty

    Posted by Pickles on 2007 05 10 at 06:12 PM • permalink

  34. #9

    Here is Kev’s speechwriter

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 06:22 PM • permalink

  35. #22:

    JFK of course.

    He also had the bright idea to tear up the Monroe Doctrine because of this nasty boat needed to be turned back and thought he won - bright man that.

    Posted by peter m on 2007 05 10 at 06:31 PM • permalink

  36. WB to Blair Blogie blog Awards:

    The best performance Blair blog post goes to:


    “I could be tortured for hours, days, months, even years with her blog roll.”

    Posted by Dan__W—0- passes the trophy congrats!

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 05 10 at 06:34 PM • permalink

  37. I need a repair shop for my Cliche-o-Meter.  Damn thing blew a fuse!

    Posted by anthony_r on 2007 05 10 at 06:41 PM • permalink

  38. This advice (from a Territory driver) is telling:

    Productivity is a bit like getting the best performance out of your engine for the least amount of fuel.

    I imagine he wants us driving at 80kmh in a 110kmh zone.

    Posted by anthony_r on 2007 05 10 at 06:44 PM • permalink

  39. I conclude my remarks where I began.

    Pity he didn’t conclude before he began.
    Drivel.

    They prolly used to plug the cistern leaks via KRuddy’s head in bowl in the ol’ school days.

    Ha! Plunger. It’s the right shape…

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 10 at 06:49 PM • permalink

  40. #22 Nilknarf, it was the same President who said, “No need to look at the mantlepiece while your stoking the fire”...

    Posted by anthony_r on 2007 05 10 at 06:49 PM • permalink

  41. #40 your=you’re…

    Posted by anthony_r on 2007 05 10 at 06:50 PM • permalink

  42. What’s the platform slogan: Flushback?

    Flushbuck?

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 10 at 06:52 PM • permalink

  43. #42 With any luck it will be FlushRudd.

    Posted by anthony_r on 2007 05 10 at 06:55 PM • permalink

  44. Should we be surprised at Kevvie’s empty rhetoric and his failure to engage with any substantial issue?
    1. He’s a diplomat
    2. Trained in China

    I liked the old ALP/Left moral vanity in his pathetic pleading:
    “We really are interested in education.”

    Bob Menzies and Howard obviously ignored it.

    Posted by Barrie on 2007 05 10 at 06:56 PM • permalink

  45. KRuddy’s Krack squad of plumbers ...

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 06:58 PM • permalink

  46. Now all he has to do is get the Labor State Govt’s to build dams to supply water for the plumbing ...

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 07:01 PM • permalink

  47. The Rudd-Gillard hybrid vehicle: Edu•marcation

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 07:07 PM • permalink

  48. What, no details about the “Demand Side” changes to allow him to cut carbon emissions by 60%?  I am sorely disappointed.  I guess that they will be so minor as to not need any elucidation.

    Posted by SezaGeoff on 2007 05 10 at 07:08 PM • permalink

  49. This speech would have been greatly improved by several glasses of whiskey.

    “I’m an optometrist when it comes to our country’s future, which means it’s pretty clear to me that we blasted Australians live in a stable-democracy - just like we were animals or something! (sobs once or twice, and wipes nose on shirt-sleeve). So, it’s time to bust out of this barn - tunneling under the corn crib seems to be the best plan - ‘cause there’s nothing there to hold us back. And you know how I know there’s nothing there to hold us back? ‘Cause I’m an optometrist and I’ve got x-ray vision.

    Now, sometimes the wind changes direction, and there can be turbulence. A lotta turbulence. A . . . lot . . . of . . . Ohhhh . . . (covers mouth with one hand, and clutches stomach with the other). But, I’ve found, that if you blink your eyes, and grab hold of something solid, like the side of the bed, or a faucet, then it makes the room stop spinning around, like a bunch of powerful Indians circling the cabin and messing up the yard. And remember - (adopts Wagnerian overtones). Today, Australia. Tomorrow, the world! Thankyouveddymuch.”

    Posted by paco on 2007 05 10 at 07:21 PM • permalink

  50. Kev will be hoping the voters decide that a change is as good as a holiday, rather than better the devil you know.

    But I guess he never knows his luck in the big city.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 07:24 PM • permalink

  51. I can almost see Roy and HG delivering that speech.

    Though they would be more entertaining.

    Posted by Harry Buttle on 2007 05 10 at 07:24 PM • permalink

  52. Kev’s fixation with leaky pipes and plumbing are not symptomatic of his own, erm, medical/plumbing problems are they?

    A modest finger up the date will find out Kev.

    Posted by Nic on 2007 05 10 at 07:26 PM • permalink

  53. #42
    You’ve got it:

    Project Flushbuck!

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 07:27 PM • permalink

  54. If he tries hard, and seizes the day, I think he will do well, and at the end of the day, he can only do his best - one step at a time.

    (BTW Hey Kev, looking for a speechwriter? This is a piece of piss.)

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 07:29 PM • permalink

  55. #51
    Roy and HG.
    Yes, much better at that speech than Rudd - are Roy and HG writing for Rudd now?

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 10 at 07:30 PM • permalink

  56. #54
    KRuddy seemed to take the budget in his strides ... plumber!

    What was that Union remark about sheet stains?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 07:36 PM • permalink

  57. I’m Kev Turd from Queensland Plumbing and I’m here to help ...

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 07:48 PM • permalink

  58. Mum and I tried to watch Rudd’s speech. She walked out after 2 minutes, because it was so boring. I ended up leaving the room, poking my head in occasionally, to see if he’d moved onto the next topic. Nope. He’s “productivity” mad, and thinks if he repeats the word 1000 times, we’ll all believe him.

    BTW did you see Julia Gillard’s reaction after the speech? “Kevin Rudd made it perfectly clear, we’re fiscal conservatives”. GOLD.

    Posted by kollontai on 2007 05 10 at 07:50 PM • permalink

  59. Perhaps his fixation with plumbing is borne of the experience of his school days when he was given the daily opportunity to inspect the inside of the dunny bowl.

    Kenny Rudd

    Posted by Pickles on 2007 05 10 at 07:52 PM • permalink

  60. I think Australia is good. Certainly, there are many people living in Australia - I call them Australians - who are good people. Let’s not forget those living overseas and elsewhere who are not Australians.

    I believe in teamwork, and I believe, if we act now, and work together, we will go a long way.

    If we don’t work as a team, if we try to go it alone, we won’t get as far - we would have gone much less distance down the road, and this would not be good for children in the car who would ask “Are we there yet?”

    Getting further would be good for children, good for the country, and I want things to be good, not bad for the country where many Australians live, many of them children, in the place I call Australia.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 08:02 PM • permalink

  61. Who believes honestly that a large chunk of the nation who have put Kevni ahead in the polls weren’t sitting last night salivating over ‘their’ Kevni’s genius. Ignorance is bliss.

    Flanked on each shoulder by the lefties - Gillard and Albanese chirping in chorus, and behind them were two of the PC elects - the girls fighting to have their heads seen clearly in the space created when Kevni moved left and right.

    With the same tired old crowd behind him, his shallow response to the budget display should be enough for fence sitters, to dispel any doubt over his pretension that he has the ability to run Australia.

    Posted by Macosghair on 2007 05 10 at 08:04 PM • permalink

  62. #51 Roy and HG? I kept hearing and seeing John Cleese and his merry Monty Pythons.
    KRudd has often criticised Howard for taking us back to the past, but KRudd’s plans to introduce tech training into high schools take me back to the 1940s.
    Four of the subjects in my high school curriculum were woodwork, metalwork, technical drawing and agriculture.
    None them did me any harm, so maybe this is one Kruddy idea that has some merit.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 05 10 at 08:06 PM • permalink

  63. what a ruddy little boy our Kevni is. 

    And I mean that in a clever way…

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 05 10 at 08:06 PM • permalink

  64. Labor’s commitment to education is probably most clear in public schools around Australia: ideologues preaching postmodernism while standards slip and students fall further behind.

    Posted by Ian Deans on 2007 05 10 at 08:07 PM • permalink

  65. We have to move forward. I believe that being stationary, and most of all - going backwards, would be a backward step.

    Remaining stationary would be less of a backwards step than a backward step, but compared to someone going forward, remaining still is much like a backward step in many ways.

    And let us not forget, that China and India have more plumbers than we can ever imagine, all of whom could take a step that would spin the earth out of orbit.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 08:18 PM • permalink

  66. Kevin Rudd the ballcock of Australian politics ... pulling on the chains of the economy ...

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 08:18 PM • permalink

  67. Jesus, it’s like listening to an autistic child saying the same thing over and over again. I had the telly on last night, and these were the first two sentences:

    I am an optimist when it comes to our country’s future. Tonight I want to outline our plan for our country’s future.

    I couldn’t stand it, turned the thing off straight away.

    Did Rudd hire Gertrude Stein as a speechwriter?

    Posted by TimT on 2007 05 10 at 08:19 PM • permalink

  68. #65 MM
    Careful, you’ll prolly be plagiarised!

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 08:24 PM • permalink

  69. KRuddy is already giving budget leaks ...

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 08:26 PM • permalink

  70. We have come to the fork in the s-bend ...

    A fridge too far gone ...

    Plumber!

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 08:30 PM • permalink

  71. OT apparently Australia’s media is uniting to protect free speech.

    Note to Australian media: just STFU.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 08:33 PM • permalink

  72. Were there any survivors of this masterpiece? If so, does anyone know conditions of these poor souls?

    Posted by El Cid on 2007 05 10 at 08:44 PM • permalink

  73. Pure Sir Murray Rivers.

    Posted by ilibcc on 2007 05 10 at 08:47 PM • permalink

  74. S-bends are an important part of Australian infrastructure and deserve a mention in any budget.

    Ogee, Ogee, Ogee - Oi! Oi! Oi!

    Posted by Whale Spinor on 2007 05 10 at 09:24 PM • permalink

  75. “I conclude my remarks where I began.”

    And with that, Kevin unsnapped his “World’s Greatest Diplomat” braces, removed his strides, pulled down his platic lined Mickey Mouse underwear and inserted his head fair and true up his own arse.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 09:28 PM • permalink

  76. $250m for Asian languages? What a joke. We’d be better giving that money to the poor bastards who don’t speak English. In case the four eyed git hasn’t cottoned on, the rules of the business world are - “Speak English or stay poor”.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 09:33 PM • permalink

  77. Was I the only one last night who heard Mark Colvin on PM refer to “Cave-in Rudd”.

    Posted by Crunchy Peanut Butter on 2007 05 10 at 09:36 PM • permalink

  78. #77

    That is known as a faux pas.  although some have been known to deliver a faux pas intentionally.

    I’m still laughing at Kenny Rudd worrying about my pipes.  No thanks Kenny, I don’t want your help with this one.

    Posted by peter m on 2007 05 10 at 09:44 PM • permalink

  79. Kenny Scud, gorehole reaming activist.

    Posted by aaron_ on 2007 05 10 at 09:46 PM • permalink

  80. Heavy Kevvie sounds like this:

    http://play.rhapsody.com/petersellers/acelebrationofsellers/partypoliticalspeech?didAutoplayBounce=true


    Peter Sellers Party Political Speech 1963

    Posted by Bonmot on 2007 05 10 at 09:47 PM • permalink

  81. Kevin Rudd’s Budget response might be the emptiest speech yet made in Australia’s parliament.

    Hollow speech from a hollow man, Tim, but sadly I read stuff like this everyday from generation X and Y journalists. I fear the X’ers and Y’sters are impressed by this stuff from Rudd. They want a hollow man who says reassuring things because that’s the 21st century. It’s the nanny state, it’s the cotton wool society where you can’t even have hot water in your home in case some kid gets scalded

    Posted by Contrail on 2007 05 10 at 09:48 PM • permalink

  82. Did you all notice -yes I watched the whole lot, all 10254 cliches worth -how he got faster and faster in the last 5 minutes to get all of his rubbish spouted within the time limit

    Cheers
    RodC

    Posted by Rod C on 2007 05 10 at 09:59 PM • permalink

  83. And #74 Whale Spinor…. Bloody Brilliant, cobber -most of these cretins don’t seem to have cottoned on at all.  If we are a representation of the best of the RIGHT, we have got problems

    Cheers
    RodC

    Posted by Rod C on 2007 05 10 at 10:08 PM • permalink

  84. #83 - Since most of my education was achieved at The School of Hard Knocks and The University of Life, I admit that one went over my head like a bulldozer would Rachael Corrie’s. Google has enlightened me.

    Bravo, Whale Spinor!

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 10:16 PM • permalink

  85. Rudd Pipes Up: A Plumber-Led Economy

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 10:16 PM • permalink

  86. A terribly turgid load of waffle from Kevvie, who looked like someone had laced his hot choccy with cascara, and he had the turtle’s head for the duration of the diatribe. He desperately needs a Graham Freudenberg, or at least a Don Watson to pen his screeds- shit, I reckon I could do better with a spruik that’d appeal to the believers:-

    “Men, women and transgenders of Gondwanna, I see a light on the hill, but we have to take the right fork to the light. and in right fork, I mean left fork, as left is better than right, except for book-keeping. I see a no leak country, a country more leak-free than my sphincter, and my wife, or at least our laundry maid can confirm that my shreddies are skidless, unlike the PM whose fart-catchers no doubt look like the starting grid at Sandown, what with him being an incontinent old fart- no disrespect to our age-enhanced fellow Australians, who provide valuable votes if we offer a big enough sling.”

    How’s that for a start? I’m available, Kev, if the dollars meet expectations.

    Posted by Habib on 2007 05 10 at 10:20 PM • permalink

  87. #83
    Been reading Dale Carnegie?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 10:25 PM • permalink

  88. I’ve got it! Rudd’s new election theme song:

    Oh Kevvy boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
    From bog to throne, and by each river side
    The honeymoon’s gone, and all the votes are leaving
    ‘Tis you, ‘tis you must go the voters will decide.

    Posted by Nic on 2007 05 10 at 10:30 PM • permalink

  89. Bugger, competition from Habib. I’m rooted.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 10 at 10:33 PM • permalink

  90. The Tim Blair Award for Most Outstanding New Talent goes to:

    Bonmot For:

    Timbo - when you wash your hair, can you please try and not let your brain get wet!

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 05 10 at 10:34 PM • permalink

  91. So long as we don’t slip into a turd world economy, Kevni?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 10:35 PM • permalink

  92. Best Blair News Public Affairs Report

    Opens the envelope:

    How could any sane person have seen what happened on that horrible day and not have their mind already made up?  But I answer my own question.

    RebeccaH claps claps

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 05 10 at 10:37 PM • permalink

  93. Kevin’s Plumbing

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 10:37 PM • permalink

  94. Blair Sports reporter

    Winner is: Infidel Tiger

    It’s a change from blaming “The Man” and “Whitey”. AND Blogs are like piss-ups. Better fun at other people’s places.

    Congrats passes the blair Trophy

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 05 10 at 10:40 PM • permalink

  95. “Hi, I’m Kevin, I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help!”

    SUCK MY NUTS Clean my pipes.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 05 10 at 10:43 PM • permalink

  96. Blair Children’s Bloggy Program for 2007

    Winner is: Sparrow _Mickey Mouse Time

    Hush my little ones,goofy is with Allah and his 72 goofetts.

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 05 10 at 10:45 PM • permalink

  97. Kev doesn’t want to get bogged down by his plumbing policy details.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 11:03 PM • permalink

  98. Rudd’s talk of plugging leaks, and the stimulus that such a statement naturally gives to plumbing allusions, puts me in mind of a company in California ( a septic tank cleaner, I believe it is) that a friend told me about. Their motto is: “We’re #1 in the #2 business.” Perhaps that’s in the public domain, by now, and Labour can use it as their slogan, without charge.

    Posted by paco on 2007 05 10 at 11:04 PM • permalink

  99. Rudd is right. We need to develop an exit strategy. A red X on the calendar, if you will, indicating a specific date and time for when this madness must end.

    To continue the commitment without a plan for its conclusion is not in the national interest.

    I say, we must establish a timetable for the end of Rudd’s tortured metaphors.

    Bring the suffering similes, litotes and zeugma home before Christmas.

    Posted by Racing on 2007 05 10 at 11:07 PM • permalink

  100. Rudd’s plan for an effluent society.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 11:13 PM • permalink

  101. Max Hogg’s bog blog: web diarrhea?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 11:16 PM • permalink

  102. #98
    Paco, Your Esteemed Sleuthiness .... I venture to update your vast knowledge of affairs, (and I am assuming your are from the USA).  Down here in Oz, we are very literate folk and spell words like colour, valour,  etc the proper way -with the “ou” rather than the
    semi-literate “o” (color, valor), etc as seen in some allegedly English speaking lands.  Strangely though, the Australian Labor Party spells it Labor, rather than Labour which is correct in our context (as K. Trad would say)

    Hope this helps

    Cheers
    RodC

    Posted by Rod C on 2007 05 10 at 11:19 PM • permalink

  103. ...the sun is shining right now on Australia

    That’s a good thing now?  I can’t keep up.

    Posted by Big Jim on 2007 05 10 at 11:24 PM • permalink

  104. #102. Don’t feel bad Paco. Millions of Australians are making the same mistake as yours.
    Victor Harbor (sic) in South Australia is spelt funny too.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 05 10 at 11:31 PM • permalink

  105. ...the sun is shining right now on Australia

    That’s a good thing now?  I can’t keep up.

    Yes - it dries up the leaks until KRudd’s army of plumbers fixes them.

    Posted by Kami on 2007 05 10 at 11:36 PM • permalink

  106. Kevni is a (water) closet plumber, eh?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 11:37 PM • permalink

  107. 96# Was looking at my powerball numbers with much sadness when i switched over to see i have won something…

    Rudd is a soundbite’s dream, he reminds me of a doll where you pull the string on the back…THIS GOVER blah bla bla blah blah ba(head tilting side to side)

    Posted by sparrow on 2007 05 10 at 11:38 PM • permalink

  108. This thread has evolved (if that be the right word)into a plethora of pooh jokes. Serves himself right.

    (As he attempts to extinguish his flaming overalls) A bloke should be able to do his job without being set on fire

    Now I know why drunken yobs chuck flaming dunny rolls at porta loo plumbers.

    Cause it’s fun

    Posted by Pickles on 2007 05 10 at 11:41 PM • permalink

  109. So where’s KRuddy siphoning the money from for his Flushbucks slush fund?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 10 at 11:43 PM • permalink

  110. 98. paco

    A plumber from my old hometown of Northampton WA has your blokes slogan beaten hands down.
    On the side of his shit cart truck was the slogan “satsfaction guaranteed or double your shit back”.

    Must have worked hes been in business for 20 or so years now.

    Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 05 10 at 11:57 PM • permalink

  111. What an insult to Bindi Irwin.

    Posted by Hanyu on 2007 05 10 at 11:59 PM • permalink

  112. Let us pray

    Our plumber
    Who are not in a union
    Halo be thy name
    In the shining sun
    Poo shall be flung
    At a man whos name is kevin
    Give us today
    Our daily Blair
    Deliver us from evil
    And not lead us into socialisim
    For ever and ever
    Amen.

    Posted by sparrow on 2007 05 11 at 12:00 AM • permalink

  113. I think Kevni is in need of a Maxine McKew moment.

    Perhaps Virginia Trioli can provide the obligatory, ” For the first time I got a real sense that his time has come”.

    Rudd is starting to look flaky.

    Barrackers, start earning your money!

    Help the poor little fella.

    Posted by gubbaboy on 2007 05 11 at 12:03 AM • permalink

  114. #98, paco, I believe the “we’re #1 in the #2 business” line is from a lovely Aussie film “Kenny” screened last year. You guessed it, about a plumber who installs portable dunnies. Sounds like a future career choice for Kevvni

    Posted by mareeS on 2007 05 11 at 12:04 AM • permalink

  115. As with anything Labor says one has to read between the lines to find the truth.

    Therefore if elected Rudd will provide technical training at all High Schools. But only for plumbing, where he will conscript every families first-born to fix the nations water pipes and appease the almighty Gaia.

    Posted by gubbaboy on 2007 05 11 at 12:13 AM • permalink

  116. #43 anthony_r

    With any luck it will be FlushRudd.

    FlushKrudd.

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 05 11 at 12:23 AM • permalink

  117. The better trained we are, the greater our productivity.

    The better our use of technology in the workplace, the greater our productivity.

    The better our management in the workplace, the greater our productivity.

    The better a tautology is written, the more often it is always true.

    Posted by Michael Levy on 2007 05 11 at 12:29 AM • permalink

  118. OT Man of Lettuce has a post seeking donations for Lance Corporal Johnson Beharry VC to visit Australia for Reserve Forces Day.

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 05 11 at 01:08 AM • permalink

  119. While talking silly things this man says, on Sunrise this morning Rudd mentioned that Tony Blair’s big achievment was bringing peace to Northern Ireland:

    ” He’s made this huge contribution to finally settling peace in Northern Ireland. I mean, remember where Northern Ireland has been for 300 years. This is a huge contribution.” Link

    I am pretty sure there was no such place as “Northern Ireland” until the 1920’s.

    Posted by Villeurbanne on 2007 05 11 at 01:23 AM • permalink

  120. And I think Thatcher giving the SAS the green light to take it up to the provos had a lot more to do with peace in Northern Ireland than any of the cheese-dicked actions of Blair.

    Posted by Habib on 2007 05 11 at 01:34 AM • permalink

  121. Andrew Leigh has an interesting post about Kevin Rudd’s dream of an Asian speaking populace:

    What he omitted to mention was that this announcement is in some sense the fulfillment of a 1994 report written by an ambitious young staffer to then Queensland Premier Wayne Goss. Formally known as Asian Languages and Australia’s Economic Future, it was colloquially termed “the Rudd Report”.

    A thirteen year old dream about to come true for Kevin from Queensland?

    Posted by Villeurbanne on 2007 05 11 at 01:49 AM • permalink

  122. We lived in belfast for a year. Blair, Thatcher, the British army made not a scrap of difference to the outcome. The Falls and Shankhill boys eventually killed enough of each other and innocent bystanders that the rest of the population ran out of patience and said “enough.” The 1998 atrocity at Omagh shocked everyone out of their shoes, in the republic and the north. That’s why Ian Paisley and Marty McGuinness are presiding over the legislature: 30 years of war makes everyone weary.

    Posted by mareeS on 2007 05 11 at 01:54 AM • permalink

  123. #24 Abu, that’s exactly what I heard!

    Now what does it all mean?

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 05 11 at 01:58 AM • permalink

  124. I believe senior ranks of the provisional IRA changed their beligerent attitude when members of their ranks started turning up in car boots dead, with obvious signs of having been co-erced to give up fellow members. That’s when operations such as Gibraltar started to fail, with the active cells being wiped out.

    Posted by Habib on 2007 05 11 at 01:58 AM • permalink

  125. #107 sparrow

    Rudd is a soundbite’s dream, he reminds me of a doll where you pull the string on the back…THIS GOVER blah bla bla blah blah ba(head tilting side to side)

    I’ve been wondering if Rudd got some of his stuff from here.  It all seems much the same.  (Unfortunately I couldn’t find an audio version on line).

    #119 Dylan

    You’re right about Northern Ireland. From 1920 to be precise. But 300 years! Oh, what’s in a few hundred years one way or the other?  Hmm but he did say “remember where Northern Ireland has been for 300 years.”  Actually I thought it has always been in the same place, but I suppose I could be wrong.  Maybe Rudd knows something we don’t.

    Posted by Wand on 2007 05 11 at 02:01 AM • permalink

  126. So why isn’t he so optimistic about our past?

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 05 11 at 02:03 AM • permalink

  127. #81 Contrail, it’s worse than that. If I recall correctly, you can have your kitchen hot water limited at a higher temp than your bathroom cold water.

    New regs coming in here in Brackistan will have every house by 2030 with a pressure limiting valve on the mains so that it doesn’t go over 500kpa (this is off the top of my head and I don’t have the paperwork in front of me). One way to save water, I guess. If you don’t let as much through you won’t use as much.

    And on another side of things, my girl is in family day care, which is so regulated that her carer is a)not allowed to cook when children are in the house, and b)not allowed to use the microwave to heat up her lunch. I usually send pastas and bakes and stuff to feed her, and now it gets heated up on the stove.

    It’s to protect the children, you see.

    Buggered if I know how that is, but then I’m one of those primitive parents who believe that a kid will stick his fingers near a hot stove once.

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 05 11 at 02:13 AM • permalink

  128. #122 Marees,

    A good mate of mine from Omagh went to 5 funerals in a week after that,the most they found of one of his mates mother was a peice of flesh the size of a twenty cent peice that was washed down a drain by the fire brigade.Omagh was the final straw..

    Posted by sparrow on 2007 05 11 at 02:23 AM • permalink

  129. Keatings J curve is being replaced by kevni’s S-bend.  Which is pretty much where this country will be heading when he and butch get their collective hands on the chains and buttons of the economy.  The unions will be flush with funds, jobs will be down the drain and the whole cistern will be ruined.  I guess we will just have to solder on.

    Posted by surfmaster on 2007 05 11 at 02:40 AM • permalink

  130. #80 Bonmot You beat me to it with that link.  The only thing though is that a link to Rhapsody on line only works if you are in the US.  Hence my link to the text at #125 above.

    All in all though, I commend Kevni Rudd for his earnest speech.  May be come up with many more just like it between now and the election.

    Posted by Wand on 2007 05 11 at 02:47 AM • permalink

  131. #129 Classic!

    Posted by Wand on 2007 05 11 at 02:51 AM • permalink

  132. I miss Kim.

    He shouted better than Kevin.

    Kevin is a wuss.

    Posted by ratman on 2007 05 11 at 02:54 AM • permalink

  133. We must seize the day and get our house in order.

    This line makes it all suddenly very clear. Margo Kingston is Rudd’s speechwriter:

    We have got to free our minds to use the brains.

    Posted by Art Vandelay on 2007 05 11 at 02:55 AM • permalink

  134. #122 The growing prosperity of the Republic - in increasingly telling comparison to the backwardness of the bowler-hat wearing Orange North - is part of the picture too. Economics may, over time, drive the ultimate (and just) devolution: to one Irish nation.

    Posted by C.L. on 2007 05 11 at 03:12 AM • permalink

  135. A smidge O/T… I rather like the slogan on the mail-out from my local cherub cheeked federal member.
    Kevin Rudd and Labor Forging a New Consensus on Climate Change
    Presumably, the old consensus wasn’t working too well. Oh and there have been decades of inaction from the federal government with respect to climate change.
    #120
    I think the Hereford Gun Club stopped the “hard arrest” back in the late eighties.

    Posted by lotocoti on 2007 05 11 at 03:35 AM • permalink

  136. #95 IT

    “Hi, I’m Kevin, I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help!”

    SUCK MY NUTS Clean my pipes.

    Suck my pipes clean.

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 03:54 AM • permalink

  137. #129
    Oh crap, surfmaster!

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 04:02 AM • permalink

  138. #119
    Rudd is still appearing on Sunrise ( aka Brekky Central )?
    When the viewers of that estimable program grow heartily sick and tired of the sight of him ( if they haven’t already ) where does he go to maintain the profile?

    Posted by chrisgo on 2007 05 11 at 04:17 AM • permalink

  139. #137 - kae,

    I thought it was funny :-)

    Posted by surfmaster on 2007 05 11 at 04:29 AM • permalink

  140. I was jealous.

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 04:30 AM • permalink

  141. KRuddy auditioning for a plumber role with the Village People?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 04:32 AM • permalink

  142. #83

    If we are a representation of the best of the RIGHT, we have got problems

    Speak for yourself, turkeybritches.

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 04:35 AM • permalink

  143. #128 sparrow,

    We were in Omagh the Saturday before with our kids, then aged 13 & 15. Back in Belfast we said things loudly about the Irish situation (not very wise in the past) and had lots of agreement. Omagh really was the tipping point for the IRA and UDC. They shocked themselves when they sent children towards the bombs.

    When will islamists shock themselves? Never, I expect. Too much carnage is never enough (to paraphrase Roy & HG).

    Posted by mareeS on 2007 05 11 at 04:40 AM • permalink

  144. Maybe Mrs Rudd can start a new line:

    Plumbing And Cleaning Outplacements(SM)

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 04:44 AM • permalink

  145. Kevni once fell into the intake pond at a sewerage treatment plant.

    He didn’t know how to swim, but he went through the motions, and undeterred, managed to survive.

    Posted by Kaboom on 2007 05 11 at 04:49 AM • permalink

  146. #136
    He can prolly use Rupe as a reference ...

    He’s prolly got a small-bore eel, too, suitable for petite plumbing.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 04:51 AM • permalink

  147. So is plumbing #1 or #2 on Rudd’s agenda?

    And will any of his plumbing bills get blocked in the Senate?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 04:55 AM • permalink

  148. #145

    arrgh!

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 04:56 AM • permalink

  149. #145 gr8!

    Did he manage to pull himself out?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 04:58 AM • permalink

  150. Rod C -

    Down here in Oz, we are very literate folk and spell words like colour, valour, etc the proper way -with the “ou” rather than the semi-literate “o” (color, valor), etc as seen in some allegedly English speaking lands.

     

    The Canadians also spell their words with the “ou” rather than the “o”.  And I believe certain words like “center” are have the “e” and “r” transposed, reading “centre”. 

    I’m not sure why the Americans don’t follow these spelling rules.  Maybe because it seemed too French the other way?

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 05 11 at 06:03 AM • permalink

  151. I’m not sure why the Americans don’t follow these spelling rules.  Maybe because it seemed too French the other way?

    The Americans didn’t want to “surrender” their vowels…......

    Posted by surfmaster on 2007 05 11 at 06:08 AM • permalink

  152. O/T
    I’m just about to have dinner - garlic prawns and green beans…

    I’ve lost 5.1kg since 16 April.
    Woohoo!! Only another 30.9 to go.


    NOTE: 2.2lb per kg

    And I have noticed that I probably won’t be wrinkly and need ironing.
    I’ll be lumpy.
    *sigh*

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 06:17 AM • permalink

  153. Heard a news bite on RN Pravda with Howard saying that this is the first time in 11 years that he’s had no negative comment in a budget reply speech ... thanks KRudder!

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 06:17 AM • permalink

  154. Aha! The new ALP election slogan, Carpe epotus!

    Seize the drain!

    A vote-winner if ever there was one.

    MarkL
    Canberra

    Posted by MarkL on 2007 05 11 at 06:24 AM • permalink

  155. Hadn’t Industry Groups beware of Jules plumbing, lest they ‘get hurt’?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 06:37 AM • permalink

  156. Can’t wait for Phatty’s column - now there’s a cesspit that needs draining!

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 06:59 AM • permalink

  157. It really is out of Yes, Minister:

    It is a very great pleasure to be here with you all today. You know, things are changing fast. We live in a world of change. The silicon chip is changing our lives. The quality of life is becoming more and more important: the environment, conservation, the problems of pollution, the future of our children and our children’s children, these are today’s issues. ...

    You know, I used to think Rudd was the best of a Bad Bunch. Now I’m afraid he is.
    Not actually insane like Latham, just.. A Hack.

    Posted by Zoe Brain on 2007 05 11 at 07:55 AM • permalink

  158. #157
    You know, I used to think Rudd was the best of a Bad Bunch.

    Rudd (like Latham) would prolly make a good #2.
    He needs a good front man of the Beasley/Hawke ilk.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 08:29 AM • permalink

  159. #122

    30 years of war makes everyone weary.

    Please tell the Arabs.

    Posted by Dan Lewis on 2007 05 11 at 08:30 AM • permalink

  160. After reading the mockery here, I wondered how the donkeys at Lardarse Prodildo would defend the indefensible. We have this from Mark B:

    One of the smartest aspects of Rudd’s budget reply was his leaky pipes promise - because it responds to people’s actual lived experience, not the scattergun bribery and headline grabbing symbolism Costello specialises in.

    What’s funnier is he is serious!

    Posted by Nic on 2007 05 11 at 09:47 AM • permalink

  161. #86 don watson? wash your mouth out habib.  we had enough of his overblown semi-educated drivel in the 80s when he was with keating.  his book about those times was a an unintentional cack though.  every time he wrote a landmark speech they thought would catch australia’s attention it fell flat, & in that delightful tome watson frequently wonders why.  it was because they had no clue what australians think. still don’t, and neither does kruddy.

    did you guys see the lateline doorstop with krudd coming out of a meeting with the miners?  they had obviously bored it up him something frightful.  not a happy chappy

    Posted by KK on 2007 05 11 at 10:11 AM • permalink

  162. 152 kae

    And I have noticed that I probably won’t be wrinkly and need ironing.
    I’ll be lumpy.

    Wonderful. There is something that exists called exercise. It will move or hide the lumps, which is a hell of a lot better then explaining all those damn scorch marks.

    Keep up the great work.

    Posted by El Cid on 2007 05 11 at 10:45 AM • permalink

  163. I think it’s cellulite on steroids. Ain’t no amount of exercise gonna get rid of these lumps.

    But thanks, El Cid!

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 10:47 AM • permalink

  164. #151

    The Americans didn’t want to “surrender” their vowels…......

    Better that than loose vowels…

    Posted by kae on 2007 05 11 at 10:50 AM • permalink

  165. #110 Frolicking Mole: I bet he got zero complaints.

    My father had a similar slogan for his garbage company: “Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your trash back.”

    Posted by paco on 2007 05 11 at 11:30 AM • permalink

  166. #154: Inspired, Mark, simply inspired!

    Posted by paco on 2007 05 11 at 11:32 AM • permalink

  167. #102: Thanks, Rod; now I am one up.

    Posted by paco on 2007 05 11 at 11:34 AM • permalink

  168. Typical Labor policy from Rudd:

    Tax and s-bend ...

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 05 11 at 11:37 AM • permalink

  169. While I was tuning in onto different radio stations, I overheard Andrew Bolts interview on Triple J. Well done Andrew Bolt!

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 05 11 at 06:26 PM • permalink

  170. #161- Agreed, but compared to Kevvie’s predictable prolix, Fatboy Beasley was a marvel of elocution.

    BTW- the poor poo puns on this thread have plumbed a new depth.

    Posted by Habib on 2007 05 11 at 11:04 PM • permalink

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