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LAWS GALORE
The Artists’ Law of Bravery, Boyle’s Law, Wilberforce’s 1st Law of Guilt, Dawkin’s 2nd Law of God, The Roe Wade Feminist Law, Mo’s 1st Law of Seething, Kepler’s Second Law of Planetary Motion, Leftist’s 1st Law of Motion, Jihadi’s 2nd Law of Motion, Latte-sippers 3rd Law of Motion, Sting’s 4th Law of Motion, Browne’s 2nd Law of Osmosis, Archimedes’ Principle, The Anti-Semites’ 1st Law of Thermodynamics, Heisenberg’s ‘Outcomes-Based Learnings’ Uncertainty Principle, Einstein’s Theory of Cultural Relativity, Hooke’s law of Elasticity, Moore’s 2nd Law, Darwin’s 2nd Theory of Evolution, Darwin’s 3rd Theory of Evolution, Peel’s Law, and the Feminist’s Law of Acceleration ... all defined by Pommygranate.
Ha ha!
On contradictions, why does soothing pan pipe music send me and most others into a rage?
Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 04 18 at 10:40 AM • permalinkI haven’t read it yet, but is Moore’s 2nd Law, “An object at rest will eat all the chips [crisps] within reach. The object will then put a lesser object (e.g. a maid) in motion to get more chips”?
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 04 18 at 10:42 AM • permalinkGalileo’s 2nd Law of Falling Bodies.
“Although two bodies of different mass fall at the same rate, the quantity of swearing produced as it hits your toes is directly proportional to the size of the bowling ball squared
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2007 04 18 at 01:18 PM • permalink# 2,
Not to chime in, but I have eaten at a resturant in Winona Wisconsin named for Betty Jo.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2007 04 18 at 01:25 PM • permalinkThere is no Winona, Wisconsin, Mr. Bagadonuts. There’s an East Winona, across the river from the one true Winona in Minnesota. There is also no East Winona Ryder, shoplifty actress, either.
Betty Jo’s is in the proper Winona. Proof:
There’s some law of joyless internet pedantry proved here, but I’ll let someone else define it.
Little Debbie’s 1st Rule of Cuisine: The deliciousness of any given snack cake is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the box divided by the number of retina-bleaching colors on said box.
Posted by Tungsten Monk on 2007 04 18 at 02:39 PM • permalink(wronwright reads Lileks and bides his time, waiting for some poor unfortunate to make a mistake relating to Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. It will happen. Then he will correct that person and appear very smart. Assuming Crawford doesn’t beat him to it).
* please note: Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky are just across the river from each other but neither claims to share the same metropolitan area with the other. Which is just fine for the northern brethen considering their southern counterparts talk slower and with chewing tobacco in their mouths. Even the women. Especially the women.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 04 18 at 03:09 PM • permalinkCincinnati IS the South to Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, among others. In fact the whole State of Ohio is.
No, I’m not going to count, my Italian steak sandwich is ready (top with peppers, onions, mushrooms and imported mozzarella) and here I get embroiled in a war between the States.
I’ll think of all of you, as the olive oil runs down my arms.
Ha,
I’ve been dissed by Lileks. My day is complete!
Right you are though, There is only one Winona, and it is indeed in Minnesota. Which also explains why I couldn’t find my way back to my hotel room that night.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2007 04 18 at 04:22 PM • permalinkSSG Pooh, the Cincinnati Airport is indeed in northern Kentucky. And we thought it was appropriate, even correct, to name it The Cincinnati Airport. But OOOOOH NOOOOO. The people of Northern Kentucky (an area comprised of three, four, or whatever number of counties jutting up against Ohio’s ass) protested. “It’s not in Cincinnati!” they said, “it’s in Northern Kentucky!” To which they received the terse but correct reply “Nobody gives a shit about Northern Kentucky, people fly to Cincinnati, you chaw bacco hayseeds”. Or something to that effect.
Well, that was in 1861 or so. After fighting the issue in the ensuing Civil War, we compromised on The Cincinnati and Greater Northern Kentucky Airport. Nobody calls it that of course. Except those slack jaw yokels below the river.
And by the way, Newport closed the strip bars. It’s become “a business center”. Which for Kentucky means they have telephones now.
(wronwright is gratified he beat Crawford; the guy must be taking his afternoon nap)
Posted by wronwright on 2007 04 18 at 04:32 PM • permalinkFirst Law of Feminist Cultural Relativity:
Forced circumcision of females and other forms of physical humiliation of women by males, including compulsory covering up when in public, are wrong, except when practised by Muslims, in which case they are a basic part of traditional culture and must be respected.
OT So sorry but…
NBC Received Package Mailed By ‘Mentally Ill’ Virginia Tech Gunman
Cho “is mentally ill and in need of hospitalization, and presents an imminent danger to self or others as mental illness, or is seriously mentally ill as to be substantially unable to care for self, and is incapable of volunteering or unwilling to volunteer for treatment,” reads the order, obtained by FOX News.
This reeks of criminal negligence on several levels, at the very least.
And by the way, Newport closed the strip bars. It’s become “a business center”. Which for Kentucky means they have telephones now.
I believe some of the strip clubs are still there, just no one wants to go to them because the strippers are nearing retirement.
Oddly, the strip clubs have mostly moved north. There’s one near me on the east side of Cincinnati, and three or four up towards Dayton. At least, until our Bible-thumping (Republican) legislature passes a law requiring dancers to be at least two feet above and six feet away from patrons. Oh, and the Bible-thumping (Democrat) governor signs the bill.
(wronwright is gratified he beat Crawford; the guy must be taking his afternoon nap)
I was doing this weird thing called “work”. The next release of our project is my responsibility, and I have four weeks to complete it. Of course, everyone else is still working on the current release, so…
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2007 04 18 at 06:48 PM • permalinkThanks Tim for posting this wonderful stuff from the Pommygranate - just brilliant!
PS Too bad about the Poms at the Cricket World Cup
#36 skeeter
That’s interesting - thanks - my son lives in Surfer’s so we’re regulars at that airport
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 04 18 at 09:18 PM • permalink#31 missred-
eh, actually, Baltimore-Washington International Airport is NOT in Washington, D.C. It’s just outside Glen Burnie, MD, and is quite a bit closer to Baltimore than D.C.
(I should know; I flew outta there enuff times when I lived in the Maryland burbs of DC looooong ago…)
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 04 18 at 09:49 PM • permalinkTex’s Law of Leftoramuses:
A leftoid’s brain will expand adiabatically to fill the available space in a gnat’s ass.
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 04 18 at 09:54 PM • permalink#20 & 26. I was in Newport once. Or twice. Nice aquarium. Had dinner at a Mexican restaurant on the levee, Don Pancho’s or Don Paco’s, or something like that. Authentic Mexican, must have been, because they didn’t serve grits.
Also visited the airport on my way to Las Vegas. It’s still the same chaotic, confusing, overpriced cattle chute it always was. Perhaps someone could formulate a law or theorem regarding airports: for instance, Home Security’s Theory of Airplane Safety: The more grandmas you force through the compressed air, explosives testing confinement booth, the less likely there will be farting in the enclosed space of an airplane, as she will have already shit down her leg during the compressed air explosisions in a tiny coffin-sized box she was pushed into without explanation.
Media Law of Inverse Relativity:
Stories which can be used against a liberal/socialist/leftist government are buried in Section H, three pages from the end sheet.
[with thanx to blogstrop]Posted by andycanuck on 2007 04 18 at 11:07 PM • permalinkMB: 1st corollary to Sturgeon’s Law: the bigger the pile of crap, the bigger the 10%.
And about Ohio/Northern Ky: I lived in New Martinsburg, OH in the early 70s (look it up), and I remember a famous club in Newport burning. It was named The Brass Ass and had a neon donkey kicking up its hind legs. The Cincy tv stations kept calling it “The Brass Mule” and none of them would show the part of the sign that said “Ass.”
Q. How did the fight between Ohio and Ky go during the Civil War?
A. The ‘baccy chewin’ hicks kept throwing dynamite across the Ohio River into Ohio, and the Ohioans kept lighting it and throwing it back.Posted by JorgXMcKie on 2007 04 19 at 01:26 AM • permalinkI remember in Math 101, I was told all variables are constants. By the second semester, all constants became variables.
The latter is also a law of computer programming. How true.
Well, Bill Whittle mentioned Occam’s Razor in his latest essay about conspiracy theorists like the 9/11 Truthers.
Maybe the Truthers are using something like Occam’s Sledgehammer? If there are more than one theory, pick the one that damns the evil neo-cons and keep hammering it.
Posted by Patrick Chester on 2007 04 19 at 09:47 AM • permalinkFor those that don’t know, Tim visited the Lileks household at Thanksgiving ‘05. Here’s some audio from that visit:
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2007 04 19 at 10:09 AM • permalink#50 missred-
Sorry, my sarcasm filter must be malfunctioning :.)
Laurel was my old stomping grounds for a few years. Used to drive past the Agricultural Research Service on my way to work. Lotsa pretty country out there, especially in the Spring.
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 04 19 at 06:32 PM • permalink#46 JorgXMcKie - I lived in New Martinsburg, OH in the early 70s (look it up)
I don’t need to. I know your area well. In all my many years of living, in all the cities and countries I’ve visited, there was no better place to shop than the old GC Murphys in downtown Washington C.H in the early Seventies. A huge candy and hot nuts counter where bulk candy was hand packed for you. A record collection beyond comparison. And super cheap goods of a delightful manner that made Christmas shopping a cinch.
Damn I miss that store.
Posted by wronwright on 2007 04 19 at 09:13 PM • permalink
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Grandma’s First Law of Everything:
“In the world, at any given time, there are more horse’s asses than there are horses.”