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LANE NO TWAIN
Terry Lane, somehow still employed, absolutely destroys one of the best-known quotes of modern times:
Mark Twain, or someone else, once said: “We all grumble about the weather but nothing is done about it.” Which made us laugh because we knew then that nothing could be done about it. Well, it is no longer so funny. Now we know that there is something we can do about it ...
But can something be done about Lane?
UPDATE. Paco presents other famous quotes and sayings mangled by Terry Lane:
• “Honesty is one of the better policies.”
• Nathan Hale: “I regret that, countrywise, I have a maximum of one life to give.”
• Queen Victoria: “That’s not funny!”
• Harry Truman: “If you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, go into the living room.”
• Winston Churchill: “I have nothing to offer, but blood, toil, tears and perspiration.”
UPDATE II. Jim Treacher:
• “Every 60 seconds there’s a baby that’s born who will grow up to be naive.”
Ross:
• “Jesus burst into tears.”
Kiwinews:
• “Was his father the same way? Because the fruit of the apple tree rarely hits the ground at a distance from the trunk.”
• “You can lead a horse to water, but Wronwright stole the lake.”
• “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and maybe get some headtilts, tops.”
CraigC:
• “A suture promptly rendered saves the square root of 81.”
• “All things are equanimous as they relate to both emotional relationships and armed conflict.”
Grimmy:
• “We have nothing to fear except for those things that make us afraid.”
• “Now that it’s winter, no one is very happy.”
Donnah:
• “Good grief, Miss Molly.”
• “Winning’s not everything, but it’s at the top of the list.”
• “Run out the clock for the Gipper.”
• “One if on foot; two if in boats.”
Blogagog:
• “Early birds have to eat worms.”
• “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do for me.”
• “Mr. Gorbachev, paint that wall!"
Reese:
•"Charlie don’t windsurf!”
Kyda Sylvester:
• “Half a loaf is better than sliced bread.”
Trainer:
• “Shall I compare thee to July 27th?”
Jack Lacton:
• “A bush in the bird is worth two hands.”
Ushie:
• “It’s only popular music with a simple beat, played by a quartet or perhaps a quintet, but I am fond of it.”
Eeniemeenie:
• “One small step for a man - one giant leap for conspiracy theorists.”
As Spiny Norman says: “What’s truly amazing is Lane gets paid good money to write that mush … and you guys produce better for free!”
Lane is onto something, if about twenty years behind. Moviegoers have known since Superman III that weather satellites control the weather. We just have to convince Robert Vaughn to crank those babies to ‘COOL’.
Posted by Crispytoast on 2006 12 30 at 12:33 PM • permalinkEveryone complains about Terry Lane, but nobody does anything about him.
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2006 12 30 at 12:45 PM • permalinkOther famous quotes and sayings mangled by Terry Lane:
Honesty is one of the better policies.
Nathan Hale: I regret that, countrywise, I have a maximum of one life to give.
Queen Victoria: That’s not funny!
Harry Truman: If you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, go into the living room.
Winston Churchill: I have nothing to offer, but blood, toil, tears and perspiration.
That Twain quote is from Macbeth isn’t it? And everyone knows the Disraelis control the weather to keep the ambulance-seeking missiles running on time. Weather satellites, pshaw.
Posted by andycanuck on 2006 12 30 at 01:02 PM • permalinkEvery 60 seconds there’s a baby that’s born who will grow up to be naive.
Posted by Jim Treacher on 2006 12 30 at 01:24 PM • permalinkWhat’s truly amazing is Lane gets paid good money to write that mush… and you guys produce better for free!
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2006 12 30 at 02:26 PM • permalinkHalf a loaf is better than sliced bread.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t exchange the gift in his mouth mid-stream.
Here’s an old saying that Mr. Lane should take to heart: Think much, say little, write less.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 05:02 PM • permalink"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how much of a tax write-off you’ll get if you donate to a charity.”
JFK, 1961
Posted by David Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 05:29 PM • permalink#8 No, andy, the Shakespearian quote is:
“First thing we do is kill all the
lawyershacks”Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2006 12 30 at 06:18 PM • permalink"Timely sewing can rescue nearly a dozen.”
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 06:46 PM • permalinkTo complete the quote, Grimmy:
Now that it’s winter, no one is very happy ...
... but the sun shines out of the arse of the Duke of York’s brat.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2006 12 30 at 06:46 PM • permalink"You have to get there quickly with the largest quantity.”
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 06:50 PM • permalink..and on the seventh day, god picked up his marbles and went home in a huff.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2006 12 30 at 06:52 PM • permalink"This stain won’t come out!”—Lady Macbeth
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 06:57 PM • permalink"Good day, globe!”—the first example in any programming language
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 07:00 PM • permalink"Say the word ‘friend’, and come on in!”—inscription on the Gates of Moria
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 07:02 PM • permalinkAlexander Hamilton:
“It’s just a scratch”.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2006 12 30 at 07:03 PM • permalinkGough Whitlam
‘Well may we say God save the Queen, because nothing will save this government dreadful’
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 30 at 07:19 PM • permalink"A bush in the bird is worth two hands”
- Robert Fisk
Posted by Jack Lacton on 2006 12 30 at 07:25 PM • permalink19C music hall song a la lane
we dont want to go to war
and by jingo if they do
we’ve got the abc, we’ve got the lies
we’ve got the hippies tooPosted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 30 at 07:30 PM • permalink"The perpendicular pronoun will be backside”
- The Terminator
Posted by Jack Lacton on 2006 12 30 at 07:49 PM • permalinkA graduate of the Terry Lane school of journalism:
http://www.rinkworks.com/said/yogiberra.shtmlPosted by andycanuck on 2006 12 30 at 07:50 PM • permalinkCaptain Oates
I am just going outside and may be an icicle
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 30 at 07:50 PM • permalink"We should drop weapons of mass destruction from really high up so we know we destroyed them.”
“Please distance yourself from that child, matriarchal xenomorph.”
“Get all the stuff, then set the place on fire.”
Posted by Patrick Chester on 2006 12 30 at 07:57 PM • permalinkQuestion not your need for sustenance from your patria, rather donate your time and attention to your own place of civil habitation. - John Pffft! Kennedy.
Oh and for God’s sake close the door! Were you birthed in a cowkennel?
Posted by carpefraise on 2006 12 30 at 08:01 PM • permalinkRegarding Terry Lane’s screeds in general - so much for writing [making] the exact man.
Posted by carpefraise on 2006 12 30 at 08:06 PM • permalink"We shall have violent altercations with them on the coast, we shall have nasty brawls with them we shall smack them around on the areodromes, we shall bring teh sexy back in the farmlands and in the roads and byways, we shall stomp ‘em in the undulating terrain,fight in the fields and in the streets.
And we shall never sign terms of agreement to an end to hostilities”Big Winnie.
’one small step for a man- one giant leap for conspiracy theorists’
Neill Armstrong (first man on the set)
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 30 at 09:05 PM • permalink"You want sex?”
“I want the dildo!”
“You can’t handle the dildo!”Posted by Jack Lacton on 2006 12 30 at 09:34 PM • permalinkMrs. Lennon to her son John when he wouldn’t eat his vegetables: “All I am saying is give peas a chance”.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 09:36 PM • permalinkThere were these cannon everywhere
And these six hundred dudes
Rode their horses
Into that dangerous situationPosted by Crispytoast on 2006 12 30 at 09:54 PM • permalinkOk, we had a whip round:
I sing of ordnance and human resources, once deployed to Troy - Homer {"Priam lied, Achilles died!” Remember, Odysseus posed with a cellulose equine !}Frankly my dear, I’m dispassionate on the subject - Rhett Butler
On the whole I’d rather be somewhere in Pennsylvania - epitaph - WC Fields
At the end of the day, there’s always tomorrow - Scarlett O’Hara
War is unpleasant - WT Sherman
Lassie, return to base!
No platelets for petroleum!
73 bassooms, two jew’s harps and a flugelhorn led the big parade.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 10:09 PM • permalink"Well, please permit me to apologize.”
--Steve Martin
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 10:15 PM • permalinkWaitaminnit. #159 didn’t have the obligatory accuracy disclaimer.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 12 30 at 10:30 PM • permalinkIf I have only one life to live, let me live it as a mousy brunette.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 10:33 PM • permalink’never in the paddock where people fight have quite a lot been in so much debt to such a teensy weensy minority’ - Churchill
‘I know I have but the corporeal form of a less physically robust personage of the feminine gender ; but I have the blood pumping pulmonary organ of a crowned male potentate, and of a crowned male potentate of that geographical locality northwards of the terrestrial possesion of cheese eating surrender monkeys’ -Elizabeth I rallies the troops
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 30 at 10:50 PM • permalinkLast night I dreamed I went to Manderley again in my Maidenform bra.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 10:57 PM • permalinkAs times go, some were okay, others not so much.
--C. Dickens
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 12 30 at 11:05 PM • permalink"Up rode the Illegal Landowner a riding his thoroughbred
Up rode the Troopers - one, two, six
“Where’s that delectable bit of mutton you’ve got in your tucker bag?”,
“You’ll come a-polka Matilda with me”.AB (Banjo) Patterson.
#173 Donnah: My most humble apologies, I am but a furrin devil, after all. :)
You are aware of how to make a high-pitched, warbling sound by the forcible expulsion of the breath, aren’t you, Steve? You must compress the folds forming the margins of your mouth and emit a current of air.
-- Lauren Bacall, “To Have and Have Not”
Posted by Polish Frizzle on 2006 12 30 at 11:16 PM • permalink"Call me Ishy...”
These may be too market specific for our antipodean friends, my apologies:
Fox News, we report, you figure it out.
How do you spell relief? R-e-l-i-e-f.
Coca-cola is the genuine artcle.
We’re open to your menu suggestions at Burger King.
Have you driven a Ford recently?
Ask the person who possesses the article in question.
Motel 6, we’re illuminated 24/7 on your behalf.
KFC, we cook chicken correctly."Heres looking in your general direction, youngster”
“Of all the beer joints in all the municipalities in all the world, she walks into mine.”
Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca.“What is your nationality?”
Conrad Veidt“I’m a drunkard.”
Humphrey Bogart“That makes Rick a citizen of Australia, then.”
Claude RainsCasablanca
After the sun went down no one could see anything and it was raining.
-- Bulwer-Lytton
Posted by Polish Frizzle on 2006 12 30 at 11:29 PM • permalinkO, tell me if you can observe in the first appearance of daylight this morning
What we saluted with a heart warming patriotism just as the sun went down around 6:57 pm last night -Francis Scott Key
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 30 at 11:42 PM • permalink"Beneath our big bunch of stars,
We’ll get some cheap labour from somewhere, to make our soon to be Republic, (spit)
Renowned of all the lands,
For those who’ve paid an Indon people smuggler,
we have endless corporate sheep stations to keep people away from,
rolling on our backs and surrendering, Advance Australia, fair.”My National anthem, as written by Tezza Lane.
We’ll toil with hearts and hands,
To make this Commonwealth of ours
Renowned of all the lands,
For those who’ve come across the seas
We’ve boundless plains to share,
With courage let us all combine
To advance Australia fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia fair.You can lead a horse to drink, but you can’t make him water.
Posted by Go Canucks on 2006 12 30 at 11:53 PM • permalinkIf you leave meat uncovered in the back yard and the neighbor’s cat comes over and eats it, shoot the goddamn cat and sue your neighbor. We have leash laws in this country, y’know. -Sheik Hilarious
It depends on what the meaning of existence is. - Bill Clinton
My eyes adored her, but
I never laid a hand on that woman. - Bill ClintonIt was a low-visibility, high-precipitaion evening… - Bulwer-Lytton
Re-transport me to eldery Virginia,
that’s where the fiber and the maize and tubers are in cultivation
That’s where the ornithological gargling is pleasant in the early year
That’s where this afro american senior citzen has a visceral desire to re-locate
That’s where I was strenuously productive for the ancient patriarch
diurnally in the agricultral installion of jauniced hue
Oh re-transport me to that mid-Atlantic state
where I was decanted into the world.As the deity of my choice pays attention to me, I’ll never eat radishes again!
- Scarlett O’HaraGo ahead, arrange my 24 hours for me.
- Dirty HarryDo you have a vague emotion that you might have some good fortune today, disaffected youth?
- Dirty Harry againThat’s friggin crazy!
- SpockYeah, so, like the whole universal vibe thing on you, dude.
- Obi-wan KenobiJust do it.
- Yodano man is a coral atoll threatened by rising sea levels
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 31 at 12:23 AM • permalinkNathanial Hale: Sorry guys, I can only do this Ultimate Patriot thingy once.
Wellington: Write a book about it, but I’m not going to read it!
Wellington: Waterloo, it came down to the wire but I managed to pull it off in the end.
Lloyd Bentsen: I knew an Irish-Catholic once, and you don’t look anything like him.
Cheers
Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2006 12 31 at 12:59 AM • permalinkTruman: The dollar stops moving by the time it arrives hereabouts.
Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2006 12 31 at 01:13 AM • permalinkDon’t cap their asses until they’re up in your grill. —William Prescott
Posted by Polish Frizzle on 2006 12 31 at 01:27 AM • permalinkeveryone knows, that a unhitched bloke with a shitload of money, must be looking to get laid- jane Austen
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2006 12 31 at 01:34 AM • permalink"We’re on a mission from Allah”
Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues.
Posted by 185600 on 2006 12 31 at 01:41 AM •
I think it was Shirley Temple - or if not her then someone else - who migt have said, “Those who butcher historical quotes are condemned to repeat it all afternoon, especially if they had a burrito for lunch.”
Or words to that effect.