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KILLER COMET BOUND FOR EARTH!
Pravda reports:
According to the Russian astronomer Nikolai Fedorovsky, a giant comet flying at top speed is bound for Earth. Should the comet stay on the collision course, it may hit the planet in late October. The impact will cause devastating tsunamis, earthquakes and avalanches, says Fedorovsky. He saw the killer comet in a telescope two weeks ago. He managed to calculate the comet’s trajectory.
Nominate your preferred strike zone.
So many targets, so few killer comets.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 10 10 at 01:23 PM • permalinka giant comet flying at top speed
I can’t even begin to note all the things wrong with this sentence. Well, maybe I can:
Giant comet? As opposed to the midget comets that hang around the Oort clout, smoking and rolling craps?
Flying at top speed? What? Huh? Maybe the brakes is out huh? I think rather that Mr. Newton is in the driver’s seat.
Did you check out Pravda’s website? Four-legged chickens, stuffed cyclops mutant animals, Area 51 photo essays, cheesecake spreads of Russian pop stars - Pravda’s come a long way in the last 20 years.
Posted by rick mcginnis on 2006 10 10 at 01:27 PM • permalinkPravda = Weekly World News sans Bat Boy.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2006 10 10 at 01:43 PM • permalinkWhat? The end of the world again!? This is wearing me out. I’ve barely recovered from backing up my hard drive for the Y2K “millenium bug”, buying facemasks to protect myself from SARS, immunizing myself against bird flu, and moving inland to avoid rising sea levels. Now what am I supposed to do? Hide under a rock until it’s gone?
Posted by daddy dave on 2006 10 10 at 02:03 PM • permalink#5 - beat me to it!! May I add:
Should the comet stay on the collision course....
What, somebody’s gonna give it a shove & push it off course??
As for targets, may I suggest whatever cave Bin Laden is hiding in? “Osama, the Prophet has sent us a blazing star as a sign!! Allah be prai..WHUMP!)
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2006 10 10 at 02:23 PM • permalinkNominate your preferred strike zone.
Berkeley, Cambridge, Malibu, The Hamptons, Martha’s Vineyard, SoHo (both of ‘em), et al.
A Philadelphia Eagles home game.
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Personal Injury Attorneys’ Convention.
Paris Hilton’s vagina (although it’s already cratered.)
Michael Moore, to save the planet (think Shoemaker-Levy hitting Jupiter.)
13 posts in on this thread in a “kill them all” wingnut site like Tim’s and nobody’s called for the comet to hit any lefties.
You can bet your ass that wouldn’t be the case over on tolerant, compassionate caring and sharing DU!
Posted by Vanguard of the Commentariat on 2006 10 10 at 02:38 PM • permalinkOops, spoke too soon, Dave S. squished Fatty Moore and the 9th Circus. Way to go Dave!
Posted by Vanguard of the Commentariat on 2006 10 10 at 02:39 PM • permalinkTim asked for a target paco, and you bring up one of Michael Moore’s chins? Moore has more chins than a Chinese phonebook. If you can get us a lat/long, maybe we can a narrow this trajectory problem a bit. Of course its only Wron in the Tardis trying to steer this puppy by bumping into it, so you know accuracy is gonna be a by-product.
Posted by Vanguard of the Commentariat on 2006 10 10 at 02:55 PM • permalinkNo one has mentioned the suburbs of gay Paree !
Or Djibouti.Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2006 10 10 at 03:31 PM • permalinkWorld to end tomorrow, women and children hardest hit…
Posted by Steve Skubinna on 2006 10 10 at 03:31 PM • permalinkWell, If it hits a Western country it will be Allah’s will because we are wicked and deserving of punishment for being non-believers.
If it hits a Muslim country it will because they aren’t devout enough and haven’t punished the West for being non-believers.
If it misses, Allah be praised and it will be taken as a sign to punish the West for being non-believers.
Me, I got’s my dead-pool money on Antartica. Fucking penguins.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2006 10 10 at 03:47 PM • permalinkThe Kabaa. The comet will go well with the Black Stone.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 10 10 at 04:09 PM • permalinkNot %!#$%^ again. Well, that will sure piss off the “Inca/Mayan/Aztec calendar” freaks who call for December 12, 2012.
Every time I hear about one of these “end of the world” scenarios, I think of the Millerites. Waiting on top of that hill in their white robes for the end to come. And how long it probably took before they scuffed back home in shame.
Wake me up when it’s REALLY the end of the world.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2006 10 10 at 04:14 PM • permalinkAnybody who’s ever been in a Mercury Comet knows damn well the only people it’ll kill are the ones inside it. I don’t care how good that telescope is. Facts are facts.
But if it has to hit something, make sure Paco Enterprises gets the cleanup contract. That boy’s livin’ the corruption dream.
Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2006 10 10 at 04:14 PM • permalinkOh, and I want it to hit at the Hague. Brussels seems to be the capital of useless bureaucrats.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2006 10 10 at 04:18 PM • permalinkIt may have happened in the Simpsons, but it really happened. In 1843 and AGAIN in 1844.
The Millerites are the ancestors of the Seventh Day Adventist movement.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2006 10 10 at 04:34 PM • permalinkNominate your preferred strike zone.
Funny, I was thinking of preferred strike zones even before I finished the first sentence.
Mostly Hollywood and environs. Maybe Barbara Streisand’s forehead.
Posted by tim maguire on 2006 10 10 at 04:41 PM • permalinkPravda = Weekly World News sans Bat Boy.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2006 10 10 at 01:43 PM • permalink
Still sounds like a fun read…
Don’t these things always hit Tokyo first?
Posted by RebeccaH on 2006 10 10 at 03:56 PM • permalink
No, that would be mutant, radioactive monsters that hit Tokyo first.
If my vote counts, please direct it to the tip of Hekmatyar Gulbuddin’s pointy head.
Posted by Major John on 2006 10 10 at 04:55 PM • permalink"Nominate your preferred strike zone.”
Low, on the outside corner.
OK, someone had to have a baseball reference. Go Tigers!
BTW, shouldn’t someone be rounding up Bruce Willis, so he can go and blow the thing up?
Posted by Urbs in Horto on 2006 10 10 at 05:09 PM • permalink31 paco
Memo to El Cid: We do have an acceleration clause in the mortgages on those antarctic condos, don’t we?
We sure do...
it’s in the fine print on the edge of the contact...They’ll see it when we put the contract under a super micron telescope. The micro is the same one Fedorovsky used...:).Ummmm, yep, we got it...lol.
One poor soul saw that damn comet today at the course...a dimpled one right between the eyes...hope he’s OK. Of course it will take him a while to get use to the dimples, and the brand name of Titleist® on his forehead...poor bastard. Good news is, he used Titleist® Balls.
So Al Gore was right. The Earth is going to be devastated and it’s all our fault. Should have voted for him six years ago. Hang on, we ALL did and the vote was overturned by ...
My choices: the comet splits as it enters the atmosphere and takes out the ABC news room and Fairfax journalist HQ. Obviously during the middle of the working day to avoid casualties - all building inhabitants at that time would be sipping latte’s or at a “Bush lied!” rally.
Posted by neoZionoid on 2006 10 10 at 05:41 PM • permalink#40: besides, Paris Hilton is due for a renovation. She’ll be good as new.
Stop Press: An Important Announcement from The Greater Intergalactic Cosmos Council (GICC).
In response to Recent Criminal Acts of Overheating on your Planet Earth, referred to at your local level affectionately as the Phenomenon of Global Warming, we at The Greater Intergalactic Cosmos Council (deference be to it), by the Universal Powers conferred upon us, have decreed and ordered A Comet to be sent to cool things off. The GICC’s (deference be to it) planetary adviser & comet organiser (paco) has arranged for the comet, composed mostly of water and ice, to strike your planet on 25th October.
Under the recently signed Treaty of Intergalactic Friendship Principles (TOISP), it is beholden on the GICC (deference be to it) to provide advance notice of the point of impact so that you may take evasive action in the impact area, admit your transgressions, seek forgiveness, repent and make restitution for your sins.
Accordingly, the point of impact of the comet will be precisely 365.4 miles along the line between the White House and 10 Downing St (or 10% of the distance) which represents the relative blame for the overheating that is attributed by GICC (deference be to it) to the member states of the BusHoWARdBlair axis of heating. This impact point is the point of precise blame and accounts for the actions of all parties to the current disaster recognising that the small side effect from Canberra is relatively insignificant.
Your planet is advised to submit to regular Prayers and Supplications to The Greater Cosmos to avoid further action, to sign Kyoto now and provide $50,000 billion in research funds to consensus climatologists. And that should do it.
Signed by
The Grand Cosmic Overlordunder the powers vested in me by
The Great Intergalactic Cosmos Council (deference be to it)
on behalf of the One and Almighty Greater Cosmos.You just beat me to it, Wand.
I’d add a touch of ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide’ to it:
“Earthlings, Be prepared to be obliterated. Too late. Don’t give me the line that you weren’t sufficiently warned.
Al GoreBlimey is our agent, and you have negligently failed to pay enough to see his film. So Goodbye.
We have other approved plans for your galaxy space anyway.#29, Yes it did, when Homer got involved with supervillain Hank Scorpio.
Hank Scorpio: Hey, Homer. I’m keeping two of my fingers crossed that you’re gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow.
Homer: Uh, yes, sir. No problemo.
Hank: Good. By the way, which is your least favourite country? Italy or France?
Homer: Ummm, France.
Hank: Heh, heh, heh. Nobody ever says Italy.45) - Italian food beats French food. Especially nouvelle cuisine.
Posted by nofixedabode on 2006 10 10 at 07:34 PM • permalinkSorry, guys. I guess I should’ve started dieting sooner.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2006 10 10 at 08:09 PM • permalinkLook at the upside. No worries about a Democratic Congress.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 10 10 at 08:26 PM • permalinkIf disaster movies have taught us anything, it is that famous landmarks will bare the brunt of this space detritus. Please avoid Sydney Opera House, Statue of Liberty, Westminster, Eiffel Tower, Tower of Pisa and the 12th Imam’s Well until further notice.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 10 at 08:55 PM • permalinkFrom the same news source- things might have been a bit different if the ner’do wells who plugged Rocky had’ve invaded the domicile of this pooch.
Bit hard to make a getaway sans lungs.
Al Gore was right. it looks like the universe intends to fix that energy imbalance real soon.
Posted by Harry Buttle on 2006 10 10 at 09:29 PM • permalinkGod, I’m with the others, so many targets, not enough ammo.....
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 10 10 at 10:09 PM • permalink356- I’d say the silver in the badge would prevent transmogrification. I likw how they’ve got the option to reanimate as a vampire once killed in werewolf mode, that’s got the making of a whole new genre of cute teenager dismemberment/apheresis movies. I’ve always liked the idea in a werewolf movie having one of the chief protagonists being hit by a bus when they squat in the middle of the road to lick their bollocks.
”...having one of the chief protagonists being hit by a bus when they squat in the middle of the road to lick their bollocks.”
Jeez, I always figured that’s how Bill Clinton would die. Now it looks like a comet will probably do the job.
Posted by David Crawford on 2006 10 10 at 10:33 PM • permalinkIf said comet was to do some re-modelling of the UN Building, I’d have to reconsider my position on divine intervention.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 10 at 10:35 PM • permalinkI for one welcome our new comet overlord.
Posted by Latte Libertarian on 2006 10 10 at 11:32 PM • permalinkI’d say Kim Beazley, but there’s a hard rain due to fall on him anyway come the next election.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2006 10 10 at 11:43 PM • permalink#68, completely OT, I caught a bit of Parliament question time earlier today. Costello was in fine form, likening Beazley to the Skipper and the rest of the shadow ministry to the cast of Gilligan’s island.
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2006 10 11 at 01:17 AM • permalink#70- who the fuck was Ginger, or Mary-Anne for that matter? Bloody hell, the opposition benches look like death row at the RSPCA.
I suppose Barry Jones could be the professor, but I doubt the wacky old quiz show contestant could build a functional doppler radar out of coconut husks. As to the rest, no self-respecting Thurston Howell the 3rd* and Luvvie would have anything to do with those beastly union oiks, except when they’re emptying the greasetrap or hooking up broadband cable. There’s no need for further stem-cell research, as the ALP has clearly succeeded in cloning Gilligan for their entire remaining sitting members.
*What the fuck were a pair of old money republicans doing slumming on a garbage scow like the Minnow? their sole part in the whole episode should have been causing the shipwreck by drunkenly slicing the tour boat in two in some enermous gin palace, and not even noticing the minor impact as they plow off in search of endangered marine critters to annoy, kill and decorate the parlour with.
#71, I don’t think he assigned a Ginger! I’d vote for Kate Ellis (if she kept her mouth shut). Anyway, it had the desired effect with the opposition benches in uproar and Beazley spluttering impotently.
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2006 10 11 at 02:51 AM • permalink33deg 54’45.43"S --151deg 04’27.07"E
Preferably Friday afternoon, if Rove can work it.
Posted by Pedro the Ignorant on 2006 10 11 at 05:07 AM • permalinkPluto’s a’comin, and man is he pissed! Wouldn’t you be if some shithead IAU b’crat said “You ain’t got that Λ = kM2/P shit goin on, so dwarf off, eh!” to you?
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 10 11 at 05:12 AM • permalinkOh, well, now look at who wishes they had been nicer to the guy who has the key to the space orbital laser cannon.
(looks frantically in junk drawer for key)
Posted by wronwright on 2006 10 11 at 06:05 AM • permalinkToo cool! I’ve never seen a comet up close.
As for a target nomination I pick anywhere in continental western europe. That whole place has been nothing but a ruptured anus issuing a nasty slurry of blood and philosophical feces for the last 100 years and it’s only going to get worse as the intellectual inbreeding continues.
Besides, it is the actual provider of the growth medium for this latest attempt at expansion of the islamic empire.
Where’d islamofascism be without the fascism part?And about those werewolves. Ultimate fighting does seem to be a natural fit. I wonder if the UFC is doing any recruiting in that area?
I don’t think he assigned a Ginger!
Hey, it’s the UK. Ginger would probably have a mustache…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 10 11 at 08:30 PM • permalink
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Nominate your preferred strike zone.
Ameaniejihad’s gluteus maximus (preferably when he’s at prayers).