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HOTEL AL
It’s a religion:
Visitors to the Gaia Napa Valley Hotel and Spa won’t find the Gideon Bible in the nightstand drawer. Instead, on the bureau will be a copy of “An Inconvenient Truth,” former Vice President Al Gore’s book about global warming.
No Bibles? Most folk could live with that. But what about another hotel staple - adult videos? Guests at the Gaia Napa Valley Hotel and Spa presumably get off on Tipper-hosted ecorotic greenporn ... titles of which (Debbie Does Dioxide?) are sought in comments.
Can’t believe no one did this yet:
Gorgasm
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 04 29 at 12:27 PM • permalinkBut seriously folks, whats the bet this joint has electricity?
Dont these wanna be greenies know how much power is used to smelt copper for wiring?
SIGH!
Posted by The_Wizard_of_WOZ on 2007 04 29 at 12:27 PM • permalinkHmmmm.
gASS Masters IV?
Ecologically Observant Horny Night Nurses?
This has long since gone ridiculous but it seems that there’s evidently no limit to the absurdity.
I think, considering how often these whack-nuts have been wrong, we’re in for another “Little Ice Age” in a few years.
Posted by memomachine on 2007 04 29 at 12:28 PM • permalinkProgressive’s Anal Climate Changing Orgasms?
Posted by dean martin on 2007 04 29 at 04:27 PM • permalinkI think the greening of the hotel (and others to follow)is fantastic!! We need much more of this resource-saving kind of building in Australia, especially with the water shortage.
Acting as distributors of a scientifically dubious and hysteria-filled film is, however, childish and irresponsible.
Posted by carpefraise on 2007 04 29 at 04:28 PM • permalink“Driving Miss Gaia” Marvel as Tipper gets driven right home by studs with huge Prius’s.
Posted by Hank Reardon on 2007 04 29 at 04:35 PM • permalinkAl Gore’s long run as The Snow Queen had finally ended: the trees were in leaf, azaleas were ablaze with magenta and white and lavender, and Sheila had switched from wool suits to cotton dresses – which, when back-lit with the light coming through the plate-glass window in the waiting room, made me feel like I had x-ray vision. I threw a glass of cold water in my face and reminded myself: I love her like a brother would.
The intercom buzzed. “Paco, there’s a guy out here, claims to be Senator Harry Reid.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s he look like.”
“He looks like the male half of that painting, American Gothic, except, instead of holding a pitchfork, he gives the impression of having sat on one.”
“Yeah, that sounds like Reid. Send him in.”
“Incidentally, he’s not alone, although he seems to think so.”
A moment later, Reid walked into the office. There was no mistaking that he was the real McCoy: he was a tall, gangly fellow who looked like a dyspeptic hell-fire parson who’d just been informed that his wife had been arrested for turning tricks down at the Gas ‘N Go truck stop. And for some reason, he had brought his dog with him.
“Detective Paco? I’m Senator Harry Reid.” We shook hands; it was like latching onto a bundle of beef jerky.
“Have a seat, Senator. That’s a nice dog you’ve got there. Bulldog, isn’t it?”
The Senator’s face colored, taking on the aspect of a swollen prune. “The dog is lost!”
“But isn’t that your dog?” The little fellow was standing next to the Senator’s chair, panting, taking in the shabby décor.
“I’m telling you, the dog is LOST! I had a bulldog named ‘Vegas’” – the dog looked up at Reid upon hearing the name, and wagged his stump of tail – “but he’s lost!”
“So, you want me to help you find him, is that it?” I was thinking that this could be either the easiest or the hardest hundred bucks I had ever made.
“No! I’m not spending another nickel on trying to find that dog. The dog is lost.”
“But, senator, if you’ll just direct your attention to the . . .”
Suddenly, Reid put his hands over his ears and started shouting a tuneless “la, la, la!” The dog started howling.
“Ok, ok. I get the message. So, why are you here, Senator?”
“I’m completely dissatisfied with my Secret Service detail and I want to hire private security. I understand you’re a pretty good man with a gun.”
“Fair. But what’s the problem with the Secret Service boys?”
“Every time I go out they’re always shouting ‘Duck!’ and ‘Hit the deck!’, and ‘Look! It’s Dick Cheney!’ So, I fall to the ground and they just stand there laughing. I’ve already broken two pairs of eyeglasses, and ruined several suits.”
I flicked the cap on my Zippo lighter and lit up a coffin nail. “Sorry, Reid. Not interested.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t get me wrong. I support the senators, but not their mission.”
“Look, the Democrats received a mandate in the last election . . .”. But it was too late. I had put my hands over my ears and was singing “la, la, la!” The next thing I knew, Reid and his lost dog had vacated my office.
Sheila came in, squinting ostentatiously. “It sure is dark in here. Let me just raise the blinds.” She was wearing a white cotton dress with a subdued floral design; the thing looked to be the texture of gauze. I sighed the sigh of temptation reluctantly overcome. “No. Let ‘em be.”
Old Nick Cave has got eviroporn down already - No Pussy Blues. Some wild animals, look for dodgy wolf scenes. Great song though.
(viewing discretion advised)
And shouldn’t that title have been Behind the Green’s Door?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 04 29 at 04:48 PM • permalinkSorry, got to go to work. Here’s what I’ve got (with apologies to the Eagles):
Welcome to the Hotel Al-ifornia
Such a big disgrace (Such a big disgrace)
Such a big two-face
Plenty of room at the Hotel Al-ifornia
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it hereHis mind is bitter and twisted, he got the Hybrid Benz
He got a lot of pretty, Gorbots he calls friends
How they dance in a Global Warming sweat.
Science they can’t remember, facts they tend to forget—Nora
Posted by The Thin Man Returns on 2007 04 29 at 05:04 PM • permalinkCan you sing la-la-la properly with a cigarette in your mouth?
Carbon Get-Offsets.
Behind the Green Gore (only for sicko’s, that one).
The Bonking of the Rainbow Warrior.
Ecosluts I, II & III (Sluts in the Forest, Ecosluts do Kyoto, World Wildlife Sluts).Not porn, but good production values: Saving Gore’s Private…Jets.
Ok, the almost unpronouncible Canbda is just outside of Toronto; a suburb called Canada.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 04 29 at 06:25 PM • permalink#2 No, no, “The Green Gore’s behind” Shirley?
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 04 29 at 06:27 PM • permalinkGreenhouse Lasses
Carmen’s Bi-Backside
The O-Zone: Lay ‘Er!
Melting PolesPosted by Jim Treacher on 2007 04 29 at 06:36 PM • permalinkTim, can we have a viote o9nt his?
I think “Ecosluts” is #1; Behind Green Doors” #2 and “Al Gore’s Behind” #3
Slightly OT.
Why is there this message suggesting I visit a site cocnerning a BBC ODE?
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 04 29 at 06:48 PM • permalinkAn Inconvenient Truth II (Power Point Sliding with Al)
Hockeystick Ho’s
Hometown Kyoto Hussies
Mutual Ratification
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 04 29 at 07:05 PM • permalinkGovernment Grant and his Large Allocations
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 04 29 at 07:24 PM • permalinkSteamy Glasses: Kevin Rudd and his Renewable Energy
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 04 29 at 08:07 PM • permalinkGreat Conference Feasts, with Tim Flannery
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 04 29 at 08:41 PM • permalinkTwo Men in a Tinnie*
* NB Might already have been done.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 04 29 at 08:47 PM • permalinkBriliant responses, all!
I kinda like Mr Bo Dangles[/i ... although nothing to do with the Gorebot
Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2007 04 29 at 09:02 PM • permalinkIn other propagaanda news, half-heard a promo about some Time special on global warming. Usual stuff - polar bear extinction figured heavily in the graphics. But it was voice-over that caused me to look up. It said that the world’s oceans will rise half a metre, wiping out Amsterdam, London and Los Angeles.
Now it is true that Amsterdam is low, which is why the Dutch built all those dykes in the first place. It should have gone under decades ago, before Al Gore learnt to count money. As for London, I seem to recall predictions of it being flooded go way back before the warmening. Has something to do with the city sinking was the explanation at the time. And LA? It too has long been a candidate to slide beneath the waves but due to the San Andeas Fault suddenly hurling it into the Pacific. It is, at present, a safe 100m above sea level.
Why make such idiotic statements?
And now, from the Producers of Green “Piece”, the most incredible Octo-“Header” ever presented at the Goreplex Adult Cinemas!!
The Story of (C) O 2.
Beneath the Valley of the SuperGaias.
Can I Do It ‘til I Need Offsets?
The Swinging, Carbon-spewing Stewardesses (featuring Pussy Algore!)
An Inconvenient Ringpull.
Al Gore and his Huge Environmental Tool.
Reacharound for Truth.
Priusic Al’s Carbon Offset Totally Nude Review
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 04 29 at 09:09 PM • permalinkBrilliant responses, everyone!
I don’t know anything about porn titles, so I’m afraid I can’t contribute on that score. But I do know that “Mmmm, I’d like to offset her carbon” is probably going to be the hot new pickup line of the 21st century.
Detective Paco, you’ve been missed.
Posted by Tungsten Monk on 2007 04 29 at 10:14 PM • permalinkDebbie Does Kyoto
“Hot, uncensored footage of billions of people getting screwed.”
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 04 29 at 10:29 PM • permalink#107- “Goraculation” - BWAHAHAHA!!!
And defiinitely premature, too!
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 04 29 at 10:30 PM • permalinkAnd #109- thinking of Al in a “crotchless cavalry outfit”; hmmmm…
I’ve got it! He could be the lead singer for the Global Village People!
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 04 29 at 10:33 PM • permalinkThe Story of Ozone.
[h/t to Tex at#69#96]Posted by andycanuck on 2007 04 29 at 10:34 PM • permalinkPriapic Al’s Carboner Orgy
Green Mansions (filmed on location at Al’s Tennessee home).
I say, I’ve been dipping into the posts and comments for the last two months, and they’re really top drawer. Richard McEnroe still packs more wit into one or two lines than most people could get into an entire essay. RebeccaH never fails to demonstrate that feisty joie de vivre that is singularly her own. Wronwright - that dashing combination of Errol Flynn and Dr. Who - continues to defy physics, speed limits and Hamurabi’s Code in his quest for mead. And great job, Andy, Wimpy and MarkL, in taking charge of Paco Enterprises in the CEO’s absence. I see that sales and net income are trending upward nicely. A couple of quibbles, though. I noticed that the lock has been changed on the petty-cash box, and when I picked it up, it seemed a little . . . light. Also, I question the new picture on our stock certificates. Whose idea was it to get rid of the engraving of scantily-clad nymphs, dancing with wanton abandon around a smokestack, and to replace it with one of MarkL’s baby pictures? The polar bear rug is bad enough, but the sight of baby Mark in the cherubic altogether is the kind of thing that might actually force us to pay dividends in order to retain any investors at all. Still, good show, all in all.
They’ll also find the Gaia equipped with waterless urinals, solar lighting and recycled paper as it marches toward becoming California’s first hotel certified as ``green,’’ or benevolent to the environment. Similar features are found 35 miles south at San Francisco’s Orchard Garden Hotel, which competes for customers with neighboring luxury hotels like the Ritz-Carlton and Fairmont.
Lets see. The Gaia has waterless urinals and ‘Sherille’ brand recycled wet-and-dry paper carefully dispensed at one sheet per movement. On the other hand the Ritz-Carlron offers full-flush hot and cold running toilettes and supersoft 4-ply quilted ‘Angelpillow’ wipes by the carton. Think I know where I’m staying.
Paco—you should have seen the first picture they used, with him facing the other way…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 04 29 at 11:33 PM • permalink#96 Tex
“Reacharound for the truth”, excellent work.
and the next installment…
Tim Flanelly in Reacharound for the Hard Truth. See Tim sneak up behind school children and scare them with his hard truth. Hear Tim’s hard truth come from the mouth of celebrities. Feel Tim’s hot hard truth beating down with the midday sun. Taste the scienceiness of Tim’s hard truth.
Posted by Viril Brun on 2007 04 30 at 12:08 AM • permalinkPaco—Have you heard the news from Mars?
You’ve got to branch out into Preferred Astronautical Carbon Offsets ASAP.
Otherwise, Registered Interplanetary Carbon Hazard And Radiation Diminishments will corner the market…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 04 30 at 12:22 AM • permalinkGulfstream Gang Bang
Watch Big Al circle the globe seducing naive young groupies. They swallow it all!
Posted by alien kiwi on 2007 04 30 at 12:48 AM • permalinkSlightly OT: 1.618 Does Tim Tam
Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 04 30 at 12:50 AM • permalinkOn the Beeb’s website there is a piece on the best pop science books of the year which includes this delightful little review.
Homo britannicus, by Chris Stringer (Penguin Allen Lane)
Homo britannicus tells the epic story of the human colonisation of Britain, from our very first footsteps to the present day. Drawing on all the latest evidence and techniques of investigation, Chris Stringer describes times when Britain was so tropical that humans lived alongside hippos and sabre tooth tigers; and times so cold they shared the land with reindeer and mammoth; and times colder still when humans were forced to flee altogether.It obviously slipped through by mistake.
Chang said he became an environmentalist in 1999, when he couldn’t get a glass of water at a restaurant in Santa Cruz, California, because of a shortage in the area.
Gideons gets thrown out, Al Gore’s book gets an extra print run and hotel guests can’t wipe their butt properly all because some jerk has a hissy fit about table service in a restaurant in California.
An Inconvenient Truth - It’s a load of wank.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 04 30 at 01:37 AM • permalinkCarbon Credit 12 - Big Al Plants his Sequoia in Love Canyon
Posted by alien kiwi on 2007 04 30 at 02:06 AM • permalinkJulia Gillard is Woodsy Woodpeckers- guaranteed to give you perckerwoods wood in yer peckers*!
*Provided you at no stage view the movie and/or listen to the soundtrack- the resultant flaccidity caused by exposure cannot be countered by a viagra enema. Fantasise about hot schoolmilf julie Bishop instead.
#161”...and times colder still when humans were forced to flee altogether.”
Surely that should be “when humans were forced to flee in the altogether…”
All together now - nude up!Some titles for the Porn Shelf:
Hot Chicks, Cold Fusion.
Chipper Tipper and her Bulbs of Deception.others:
Dancing With Science: Al Gore Rhythms
Gore Blimey!
O Tempora! O Gores!Dental Training Film:
An Inconvenient Tooth.Posted by carpefraise on 2007 04 30 at 06:59 AM • permalinkThe Geothermia Spot.
(Almost) President of Vice. [h/t
#181#180]Carbon Hard-ons.
Used Sheets: What the recycler saw.
Glow-ball Warming.
Disappearing Deltas.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 04 30 at 07:51 AM • permalinkP.S. Didn’t that box say “Party Cash”, paco? Sorry, my Sumerian is a little rusty.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 04 30 at 07:52 AM • permalinkOT in that isn’t related to global warming:
I’ve already started referring to this film as “Curse of the Golden Showers” which follows nicely from this one, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Gerbil”.
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2007 04 30 at 09:03 AM • permalinkBig, Horny and Wooly - Big Al RAM’s home an environmental point.
A New Zealand classic BTW.Posted by alien kiwi on 2007 04 30 at 10:15 AM • permalinkLear Jet Lesbo’s - Sheryl C. and Laurie D. prove even ecowarriors can be cunning linguists.
Posted by alien kiwi on 2007 04 30 at 10:27 AM • permalink
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Gawd, who can beat “Debbie Does Dioxide”?