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GREEN JEEBUS
An almightly claim prior to Saturday’s SA election.
Jesus Christ would vote for the Australian Greens in the South Australian election, the party says.
I doubt it. Why would He vote for a rival faith?
The Greens decision to ask the electorate who Jesus would vote for follows a similar tactic by the Australian Democrats, who recently claimed former SA Labor premier Don Dunstan would vote for the Democrats - and not Labor - if he was alive.
And people say the minor parties aren’t substantial contributors to our nation’s political debate. In other religious news, Margo Kingston’s followers are ecstatic over her resurrection:
Welcome back to the community that you so selflessly offered us.
It would have been so selfish for Margo to have kept that community all to herself. Sadly, Wayne Sanderson’s brief period in Margo’s employ—it couldn’t possibly end in total disaster—has left him with a tragic spelling disability:
Parliamentary sketch writer Simon Hoggart is one of the most consistently funny and perseptive writers anywhere. Even if you no nothing of the issues ...
He charges $77 per year for this.
Or is the spelling issue contagious?
The League of No Nothings.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2006 03 16 at 12:46 PM • permalink“The teachings of Jesus Christ stress compassion, tolerance, concern for the poor, non-violence and care for the earth,” said some nobody trying to score the Green Jesus delusional vote in South Australian elections.
Compassion, tolerance, non-violence…Yeah, and look where it got Jesus. Hammered to a cross by his early 30s.
The Greens want to hammer heartless tree-killers to biodegrable plastic crosses and Margo nails herself to a cross, every single time she stands up in agonising pain to write.
Can Jesus vote absentee?
Posted by LeftieLatteLover on 2006 03 16 at 01:12 PM • permalink7. I’ll try not to think about that too much…
Posted by chinesearithmetic on 2006 03 16 at 03:20 PM • permalinkThe question, “How would Jesus vote?” reminds me of a similar question raised a few years back by some environmentalists: “What would Jesus drive?” Hint: It wasn’t an SUV.
Some work with Google reveals that other eminent theologians have wrestled with this question.
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says,
“God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it.
As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s Gospel where Christ tells the crowd,
“For I did not speak of my own Accord…” - John 12:49And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda
“The Apostles were in one Accord.” - Acts 5:12Jesus certainly wouldn’t vote for a party that favours the destruction of the one nation-state his people have (ie Israel).
Remember, Jesus and his followers were basically Jewish nationalists.
Posted by Quentin George on 2006 03 16 at 04:12 PM • permalinkWould these epistemologically deprived retards have the courage to ask how Mohammed would vote in the election? Or don’t the Greens believe he gives a tick of shtick for the care of the Earth? And would those who so lightly blaspheme Jesus do the same to Mohammed in a public forum (leaving their necks exposed)?
13. St. Kilda?
Or is he committed to Geelong as Gary Ablett’s son?
Posted by chinesearithmetic on 2006 03 16 at 04:21 PM • permalinkRafe, if he played in the NFL, he’d obviously play for the New Orleans Saints.
Posted by David Crawford on 2006 03 16 at 04:32 PM • permalinkWithout a subeditor between them and the great unwashed, the average journalist is commonly revealed as only semi-literate.
—Nick
Posted by The Thin Man Returns on 2006 03 16 at 04:36 PM • permalinkI am beginning to think that the illiterate drivel factor may explain why I seem to be getting nowhere with the Sando Summary Service Pty Ltd.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 16 at 04:41 PM • permalink#6, will they be requiring volunteers to toil in their underground sugar caves, or is that another race of hyper-dimensional beings?
Posted by LeftieLatteLover on 2006 03 16 at 04:42 PM • permalink#10
Motorcycles feature too Ernie:Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills”.
—Nick
Posted by The Thin Man Returns on 2006 03 16 at 04:45 PM • permalinkHmmm.
Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills”.
Which explains why the Israelites spent 40 years wandering in a circle. They were trying to find a motorcycle garage. with a wrench.
:):)
Posted by memomachine on 2006 03 16 at 04:58 PM • permalinkI don’t think Jesus was all that environmentally friendly. After all, he drove demons out of a man and into a herd of swine, which then drowned themselves in a lake. PETA would not approve, and aren’t they ideological brethren to the Greens?
Also, he changed water into wine. Perfectly good water, good for green, growing things. Into wine.
And then he calmed the tempest, so that he could walk on water. If that’s not abusive, what is? And would the saintly James Wolcott approve?
I’m sure they had to cut down a tree to make that cross. Think of all the palm fronds ripped from innocent palm trees to celebrate his entry into Jerusalem. What about the stinky mess that donkey probably left in the road! And he approved of things like fishing, and sowing of seeds! And he was a carpenter! A mutilator of wood!
[/froth off]
Bah! Goats of the future won’t require “herders.” Indeed, goats of the future won’t TOLERATE “herders.”
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 03 16 at 05:45 PM • permalinkAs a carpenter, Jesus today would be driving a 4x4 diesel pickup with 320 horsepower. And a sticker with Calvin peeing on Muhammed in the rear window.
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2006 03 16 at 05:49 PM • permalink#26 Oh nooo, the goat is back on his soap box again. Last month he forged a pack of camels into a union and made them refuse to join a beauty contest in Medina held for, um, well, some swarthy men of no particular nationality or religion (*coughtowelheadscough*). The latest is I’ve heard he’s been braying to herds of sheep and goats throughout the Middle East, joining them together in a political action committee. As a consequence they’ve refused to, um, well, “become intimate friends” with the same swarthy men of no particular nationality or religious group.
No wonder we’re getting a rising stream of angry shouts from that area lately.
Posted by wronwright on 2006 03 16 at 06:17 PM • permalinkNot only that, but Jesus actually destroyed a tree too (see Matthew 21:18-20.)
And besides that and polluting lakes with pigs, we all know Jesus was a Jew, which means he probably made money off that carpentry gig. So he was a capitalist as well.
The Greens should be more careful about who they choose to climb into their beds.
When the ABC gets around to saying “Christ the saviour” in the same breathless tones they continualy use “The prophet mohammed” (FUBAR) they can have my 8c a day.
For an apparently secular party the greens resemble a cult pretty well.
Unquestioning: Check
“Charismatic” leader: Check
Reality bends to my beliefs: Check
Dogmatic and unreasoning: CheckPosted by thefrollickingmole on 2006 03 16 at 07:13 PM • permalink#33 I like to riverdance to James Blunt in my private apartment with a blow up doll I call Owen, after which I jump into a barrel-full of banana custard.
Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 16 at 07:14 PM • permalinkPlease ignore #37, I thought for a moment this was the Embarrassing Admissions thread.
Just culture jamming you guys.Posted by Margos Maid on 2006 03 16 at 07:23 PM • permalinkIn other religious news Margo Kingston’s followers are ecstatic over her return to Webdiary.
More of case of dogs returning to their own vomit. Apologies to breakfasting readers, lunching readers, afternoon tea-ing readers…Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2006 03 16 at 08:00 PM • permalinkmmmm, banana custard.
Best bumpersticker ever :
“When The Rapture Comes, Can I Have Your Car?”
Posted by LeftieLatteLover on 2006 03 16 at 08:12 PM • permalinkHe charges $77 per year for this.
Maybe Wayne’s subscriber consider that fee a donation to charity?
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 03 16 at 10:13 PM • permalinkJesus Christ would vote for the Australian Greens in the South Australian election, the party says.
It’s kind of amusing to see the Left play the “who would Jesus vote for” card yet deride the Family First party as a bunch of dangerous Christians.
Although I guess hypocrisy from the left is old news.
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2006 03 16 at 10:53 PM • permalinkJesus might indeed vote for the greens but He probably wouldn’t appreciate not being able to get His carpenter’s tools in the back of a Prius.
Posted by Pat Patterson on 2006 03 17 at 12:42 AM • permalinkSee, the funny thing is, Jeebus does his walking on water thing, man, see, but like, the sea level is rising, right, and it’s always like one more step to the beach…
(What the hell is in this beef log I’m eating for dinner?)
I don’t care if it rains or freeze,
‘long as I got my plastic Jeezus,
rollin’ on the dashboard of mah car…I don’t care if the storms’ll scare ya,
long as I got my plastic Gaia,
rolling on the dashboard of my car…Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 03 17 at 12:52 AM • permalinkWhat a friggin, looney nutbag that Calvanist guy is that thanked Margo in that post??? whose stated claim is that the current order crumble and hopefully bring about the next evolution of society after which he thinks he will be duly rewarded….
the fool probably doesn’t understand that in most cases the evolutions of society are usually conducted violently and end up in some sort of hellhole like Cambodia and Pol Pot’s little experiment to take things back to Year 00…. and in most of these cases, the functionaries who helped bring about this evolution end up with a bullet in the back of the head????
when will these fools wake up….
Jesus was not gay. He just preferred the company of men.
Posted by LeftieLatteLover on 2006 03 17 at 08:59 AM • permalinkSlainte sin Padraig*
*Erse for ‘If we’d had the slightest idea, we’da thrown the little Papist bugger overboard…’Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 03 17 at 11:14 AM • permalink31 The turkeys are next! And after them, the ducks!! And the psychotic imps are already with us!!! Plus most of the exclamation points from your carelessly unguarded font cabinets!!!! NYAhaHAhaHAhaHA!!!!!
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 03 17 at 11:30 AM • permalink41
I’ve never considered a cult a religion.
“What’s the difference between as cult and a religion?”
“About a hundred years.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 03 17 at 11:37 AM • permalinkOkay, it’s St Pats, everybody’s been drinking heavily, it all makes sense now.
Burrrrp!
‘scuse me.
Posted by LeftieLatteLover on 2006 03 17 at 11:54 AM • permalinkThe History of Ireland Before I Start Drinking:
95% of Irish History ends with the words ‘...and then he was betrayed by…’ this covers everybody from Finn MacCool to the Men of ‘98 to Michael Collins.
3% of Irish History ends with the words ‘...and then the success went to his head and turned his brains to shite…” This covers everyone from the bards to Conn of the Hundred Battles to Eamon de Valera to Michael Flatley and the Kennedies…
2% of Irish History ends with ‘...and then he really made something of himself…but he had to get the hell out of Ireland to do it.’ This covers the likes of Shaw and Wellington and every Paddy who got on a boat bound west.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 03 17 at 11:55 AM • permalinkCasanova — Do Calvinists often have to make Hobbesian choices?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 03 17 at 11:56 AM • permalinkReminds me of the Anglican Bishop who , upon landing in New York, said to the cabbie “Take me to Christchurch, please.”
As they pulled up outside St. Patrick’s Cathedral, the Bishop said “Excuse me, I asked you to take me to Christchurch”.
“Aye”, said the cabbie, “Beggin yer pardon and I heard ye. If He’s in town, sure and this is where you’ll be findin’ Him.”
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 03 17 at 05:25 PM • permalinkIrish Immigration Official to Visitor: “Are ye a Catholic or a Protestant?”
Visitor: “I’m an atheist.”
Irishman (stolidly): “Catholic or Protestant?”
Visitor: “I said I’m an atheist.”
Irishman (impatiently): “Catholic or Protestant?”
Visitor (exasperated): “I said I’m an atheist.”
Irishman: “Look, it’s a busy man I am, and I’ll not be having ye waste my time. Are ye a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist, answer me that now?”
Posted by Michael Lonie on 2006 03 18 at 12:15 AM • permalinkOT, this just in: Gary Glitter does not expect to survive his prison term in Vietname, and has asked that when he dies he wants his ashes put in an Etch-a-Sketch so kids can still play with him.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 03 18 at 03:26 AM • permalinkIf Gary Glitter does survive his prison term, can we throw him back in?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 03 18 at 09:03 PM • permalink
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