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GOLDEN AGE RECYCLED

Mark Steyn reviews Hollywood’s, er, Golden Age:

In the Golden Age of Hollywood, actresses had no known position on toilets. If Myrna Loy or Ginger Rogers, Norma Shearer or Mary Astor had opinions on bodily fluids, they kept them to themselves.

In the seventies, when it was put about that Sarah Miles drank her own urine every day, it got her marked down as a kook. You don’t remember Sarah Miles? She starred in Ryan’s Daughter, very memorably, but not apparently as memorable as her formidable urine intake. Thirty years on, it’s understood in Fleet Street that whenever you pitch an interview with Miss Miles to your editor you’ll be expected to bring up the pee-swigging. She usually replies that she hasn’t touched a drop in years.

Unlike Cate Blanchett. Read on.

Posted by Tim B. on 09/27/2007 at 06:55 AM
  1. Well said, Mr Steyn. Thanks for showing that to us, Tim.

    It’s true that affluence is what allows the west to thrive and help others. We can afford to do so much because we have health and hygiene. I cannot understand why it is considered a sign of consumerism to be clean. It leads to good health and better productivity which is good for society.

    Unless, of course, you want to turn the western world into a forth world, seventh century cesspit.

    Posted by kae on 2007 09 27 at 07:31 AM • permalink

  2. Ditto Kae, I was about to say the same thing. Perhaps we have forgotten a few things in the race to become ‘more at one with the earth’.

    Posted by Nic on 2007 09 27 at 07:34 AM • permalink

  3. Let’s face it, which one of us can say we’ve never consumed the shit that actors produce?

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 09 27 at 07:37 AM • permalink

  4. #3
    But I never swallowed it!

    Posted by kae on 2007 09 27 at 07:41 AM • permalink

  5. I wanna borrow the Tardis and go back and “unwatch” about 80% of the movies I’ve seen.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 09 27 at 07:48 AM • permalink

  6. Many moons ago on a sheep station i was engaged in butchering a few sheep when the wind stopped for the day. This was a problem because the windmill that sent all our water to the tank stopped as well.
    I came back from doing the sheep covered up to my shoulders in blood and guts to find I couldnt shower and the only available water was the ice melting in the eskys.

    I had to wash with 3 cans of beer….
    It still haunts me, 3 wasted beers…

    And I still came out in sores on my arms anyway from the fat and gunk blocking my skin up.
    People should be taken out to live in the bush rough for a couple of months every year until they beg not to do it.

    Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 09 27 at 07:54 AM • permalink

  7. #6
    Frollicking
    It’s like the stupid gits in NY who were “roughing it” in their apartment.

    No. What they should do is really rough it in some mud daub village hut in Africa, with no comforts of modernity. Or try living in Mongolia like the mountain people, in a yurt (is that it? the big round tent).

    They wouldn’t last very long at all.

    Posted by kae on 2007 09 27 at 08:00 AM • permalink

  8. Gives ‘Going over to Cate’s to sink some piss’ a disturbing new meaning.

    Posted by Nic on 2007 09 27 at 08:03 AM • permalink

  9. Let’s get pissed at Cate’s.

    Guess who’s pissing to make my dinner?

    When she takes the piss, she
    really takes it!

    I like that actor who said only idiots listen to actors talk on anything bar acting.

    Posted by peter m on 2007 09 27 at 08:12 AM • permalink

  10. Someone needs to explain to Cate, Drew et al that the state of the environment is directly proportional to the standard of living.  Put simply, improving living standards lead to cleaner air and water, more forests, better conservation of fauna & flora, and hey! reduced infant mortality.

    Their ideas of back to the caves will lead to massive environmental degradation.  Morons.

    Posted by Ubique on 2007 09 27 at 08:28 AM • permalink

  11. They could have great fun making up new titles for classic movies:

    The Good, The Bad and The Piss
    Piss Fiction
    Guess What You’re Drinking With Dinner
    One Pissed On The Cuckoo’s Nest
    Schindler’s Piss
    12 Pissed Off Men
    Pysso
    Pissin’ In The Rain

    Piss Wars
    Piss Wars V - The Toilet Strikes Back
    Piss Wars VI - Return of the Piss
    Piss Wars I - Jar Jar Binks Pisses us off
    Piss Wars II - Attack of the Chlamydia
    Piss Wars III - Revenge of the Piss

    The possibilities are endless…

    Posted by Jack Lacton on 2007 09 27 at 08:41 AM • permalink

  12. Piss off Cate.  You’re an A Grade Fuckwit.

    Posted by Ubique on 2007 09 27 at 08:45 AM • permalink

  13. The spouse snoozes off giving out somewhat undulcet tones each friday night on the porcelain pedestal, after a few hours at Souths Leagues Club. Fortunately I’ve had 32 years to become deaf.

    Posted by mareeS on 2007 09 27 at 08:53 AM • permalink

  14. In the Golden Age of Hollywood, actresses had no known position on toilets.

    I would assume they sat, but that’s just me.

    Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 09 27 at 08:54 AM • permalink

  15. Jack, Jack, Jack! How could you omit:

    2001: A Piss Odyssey

    Gone With The Piss

    not to mention the classic POW movie, starring Steve McQueen…

    The Great Pisscape?

    Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 09 27 at 08:59 AM • permalink

  16. Mr. Bingley, I’m not sure ladies with such class would even admit to sitting, or acknowledging the need for such facilities.

    Today’s crop of ‘ladies’ would probably YouTube it to share with all of us.

    Posted by Retread on 2007 09 27 at 09:01 AM • permalink

  17. Stop taking the piss out of Cate.

    Posted by surfmaster on 2007 09 27 at 09:02 AM • permalink

  18. Tune: Putting on the Ritz

    Got the urge to eat some pooh
    as Hollywood glitterati love to do
    there’s lots to go round and share
    just ignore that funky air

    Those with small minds and big dollars
    Chide others with their loud hollers
    What you’re sipping was mine
    For flushing’s the new crime

    If you’re one of the few
    who doesn’t know where ecretia goes to
    Why don’t you do what Cate insists
    And guzzle down some piss

    lefties gripe and death beats gloat
    Buncha tits
    Guzzlin down some piss

    Come, let’s see where Cate and the fellas
    talk to Mr. Salmonella
    something you can’t miss
    Guzzlin down some piss

    Posted by Nic on 2007 09 27 at 09:03 AM • permalink

  19. Swinish, don’t forget that John Wayne western

    “She Drank A Yellow River”

    or Brando in

    “Piss On My Lips Now”

    or Michael Jackson in

    “The Whiz”

    hmm

    “A Piss Before Dying”

    or

    “Urinetown”

    Oh wait…

    Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 09 27 at 09:12 AM • permalink

  20. The Urinator starring Cate Brownshitt and Leonardo De Craprio

    Posted by Srekwah on 2007 09 27 at 09:16 AM • permalink

  21. #15 shouldn’t that be ‘The Great Pisstake”?

    Posted by entropy on 2007 09 27 at 09:19 AM • permalink

  22. #7 kae

    Or try living in Mongolia like the mountain people, in a yurt (is that it? the big round tent)

    Mongolians live in gers, which are pretty much the same thing as yurts. The word ‘yurt’ was used by the Ruskies, so Mongolians don’t favour it.

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 09 27 at 09:22 AM • permalink

  23. Clint Eastwood in Pissy Harry.
    Clint was also In The Line Of Fire, though that might have involved bullets rather than streams…

    Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 09 27 at 09:22 AM • permalink

  24. Cate also serves Green snacks with that sparkling glass of piss to all her guests.

    Posted by Pogria on 2007 09 27 at 09:27 AM • permalink

  25. Instant screen classic? Piss Me, Cate.

    Posted by paco on 2007 09 27 at 09:32 AM • permalink

  26. Cate can afford better that this. I’ve heard Howard Hughes 1968 is a particularly fine vintage.

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 09 27 at 09:32 AM • permalink

  27. Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head!

    Posted by Pogria on 2007 09 27 at 09:35 AM • permalink

  28. Steyn makes good points, but it’s amazing how the fuckwits of the world are taken seriously by people.  The conditions in third world shanty towns were not uncommon in western nations as recently as 1900, when cholera and typhoid epidemics were common enough.  And advances in sewage treatment and disposal technology were greated with enthusiasm.

    This may well be the final sign of the collapse of western civilization.  I hope not—I like my flushing toilet, thank you.

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 09 27 at 09:35 AM • permalink

  29. #28

    I hope not—I like my flushing toilet, thank you.

    Flushing? That’s all? The other day a pretty young woman I’d only just met told me how much she likes the functions of her toilet - the spray, the wafts of warm air, the heated seat….

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 09 27 at 09:42 AM • permalink

  30. So, we can save the planet by using one sheet of toilet paper.
    It is not impossible. Here is a method favoured by the imams:
    Fold the sheet in half diagonally. Repeat the fold so that you have a triangle. Tear off about half an inch of the apex of the triangle and put the small piece to one side.
    Insert your left index finger through the hole in the paper from underneath the folded sheet so that the paper protects your hand.
    Use your finger as necessary for cleaning.
    Pull the paper up over your finger to clean it.
    Use the small folded piece that you saved to clean under the finger nail.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 09 27 at 09:49 AM • permalink

  31. Damn it, Skeeter. Give us a warning next time!

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 09 27 at 10:00 AM • permalink

  32. #30: Way TMI.

    Posted by Retread on 2007 09 27 at 10:19 AM • permalink

  33. Guess What’s Coming for Dinner

    ‘You’re welcome to dinner, please stay,’
    Cate said, to our gastric dismay,
    ‘There’s plenty of stew
    To fill bowls for two;
    My guts have been burning all day.’

    Posted by lyle on 2007 09 27 at 10:22 AM • permalink

  34. But, beyond the data, there’s something very curious about a culture whose most beautiful women, the beneficiaries of every blessing this bountiful society can shower upon them, are so eager to flaunt their bodily waste in the public prints.

    That’s because they think their sh*t don’t stink.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 09 27 at 10:30 AM • permalink

  35. I’m reminded of that old Busby Berkeley classic Puttin’ On The Piss.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 09 27 at 10:32 AM • permalink

  36. The Narcissist Considers a
    New Line of Bottled Water:

    The movie star savored her drink,
    Announced ‘Vintage Me,’ with a wink,
    ‘A mild aftertaste
    Of bodily waste,
    I’ll call it Great Actress, I think.’

    Posted by lyle on 2007 09 27 at 10:47 AM • permalink

  37. Flushing? That’s all? The other day a pretty young woman I’d only just met told me how much she likes the functions of her toilet - the spray, the wafts of warm air, the heated seat….

    Granted, Radius, there are many pleasures in today’s civilization.  But I’ve been out in the woods so much, that the ability to place my butt over clean water is priceless beyond words.  A heated seat?  Oh, my!  And pre-heated by a pretty woman…...wow!

    So, Drew and her ecstasy about crapping over leaves?  Been there, done that, didn’t buy the t-shirt.  If those Hollywood idiots bare their bums within the range of my 12 gage, a load of buckshot is heading their way.

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 09 27 at 10:58 AM • permalink

  38. Waiter: Would you like sparkling, still or urinal water for the table?

    Patron: Hmmm, what about tap?

    Waiter: Well, we have some fresh Evian Hawke…

    Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2007 09 27 at 10:58 AM • permalink

  39. Classic poems, Lyle!  Thanks for the belly laugh!

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 09 27 at 10:58 AM • permalink

  40. Romancing the Stone.

    Posted by crash on 2007 09 27 at 11:15 AM • permalink

  41. All of this business about celebrity journalism reminds me of Frank Zappa’s line about rock journalism: “People who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.”

    Posted by ErnieG on 2007 09 27 at 11:26 AM • permalink

  42. Lyle’s knockin’ ‘em dead!

    Posted by paco on 2007 09 27 at 11:43 AM • permalink

  43. “I aspire to be like them,” Drew Barrymore told viewers after spending a few days in a remote Chilean community unburdened by electricity or indoor plumbing. “I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome.”

    Miss Barrymore Pitches Her New Film:
    ‘My Awesome Rainforest Memories’

    ‘My whole life I’ve wanted to do
    Something suspenseful but true.
    The ending is good,
    It’s pure Hollywood;
    I’ll play it hunched over,’ says Drew.

    Posted by lyle on 2007 09 27 at 12:40 PM • permalink

  44. The Manchurian Micturate

    The Color of Honey

    On Golden Pond

    The Porcelein of the Sierra Madre

    Hoiw to succeed in your business without really straining

    Posted by Merlin on 2007 09 27 at 01:32 PM • permalink

  45. Yeah, she’ll drink her own wee-wee to save the planet, but she wants more children, apparently believing they’ll have no impact on the environment over the course of their lives. (And on a steady diet of their own bodily waste, maybe she’s right!)

    Posted by Jim Treacher on 2007 09 27 at 01:57 PM • permalink

  46. #44: On Golden Pond

    Perfect, Merlin!

    Posted by paco on 2007 09 27 at 02:43 PM • permalink

  47. They give the term “pompous ass” a whole new meaning.

    Posted by saltydog on 2007 09 27 at 03:59 PM • permalink

  48. Personally, not only do i think they are taking the piss, they are full of sh*t

    Posted by missred on 2007 09 27 at 04:21 PM • permalink

  49. “The seven wonders of the industrial world” covered the great sewerage works that were built in London after repeated outbreaks of typhoid or cholera.  It was a great episode.  I’ve toured one of the pumping stations that it featured - absolutely incredible. 

    Proper sewerage systems and clean water have probably saved more lives that every other medical advance of the last century.  And probably all the hospitals put together.  Doctors hate being told that sewer workers are more effective at saving people than they are.

    Crapping out in the open once is novel, but try doing it every day for a couple of weeks.  The morning routine in the infantry consists of standing to, then cleaning your weapon, cleaning yourself, doing some other stuff and having a crap.  Yes, we were trained that when on patrol, once should always crap as part of the morning routine so that you didn’t have to crap when the patrol was on the move somewhere else. 

    When in all-round defence, you don’t go outside the perimeter to crap.  You do it inside the perimeter.  There’s just a hole in the ground, marked by an entrenching tool and maybe a dunny roll.  Those with a weapon pit nearby would normally turn away to give you a modicum of privacy, but if you took more than a minute, they’d start to pass comment on your form and technique.

    Those that tied up the shitter for more than 5 minutes might have to complete their ablutions with rocks being thrown at them.

    Crapping in a hole in the ground out in the open gets very old real quick.

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 09 27 at 04:53 PM • permalink

  50. After reading Mr. Creosote, I’m thinking that nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

    Posted by Merlin on 2007 09 27 at 04:55 PM • permalink

  51. #50, merlin, the other thing is that some people just can’t crap in the open.  They’re so used to a nice, white porcelain bowl and a door that closes that they freeze up when exposed to nature.

    Imagine not doing a poo for a week.  Those cases always had to see the medics to get their insides flushed out.  Some blamed the ratpacks, but I always thought it was psychological.  Most people don’t like to shit in the woods.

    20 years on, the morning routine is still shower, shave, shine (shoes) and shit.  Without fail.  I have been denied the pleasure of being able to ready on the dunny - things move too quickly.

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 09 27 at 05:16 PM • permalink

  52. MareeS
    It’s amazing how the porcelain pillow amplifies the, er, tones.

    Posted by kae on 2007 09 27 at 05:23 PM • permalink

  53. Mr Creosote, the psychological constipation thing is true. When visiting my grandparents’ holiday home on Lake Macquarie as a small child I would rather hang on that use the pan. It was the only thing I didn’t like about the place.
    I’ve been camping and crapping in the bush was OK. But the stench in the toilet with the pan was just more than a child could bear!

    Posted by kae on 2007 09 27 at 05:27 PM • permalink

  54. Just timed myself.  Sitting to quitting in 65 seconds.

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 09 27 at 05:30 PM • permalink

  55. Err, thanks for the update, creosote… I think.

    Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 09 27 at 05:57 PM • permalink

  56. Mr Creosote, do you salute when you’re finished? 8-)

    Posted by Pogria on 2007 09 27 at 05:58 PM • permalink

  57. #19 Mr. Bingley - I followed your link.

    These people are insane.

    And so are the idiots who pay to see it.

    Posted by Barbara Skolaut on 2007 09 27 at 06:15 PM • permalink

  58. Nuke Hollywood, from orbit.

    It’s the only way to be sure.

    Posted by guinsPen on 2007 09 27 at 07:45 PM • permalink

  59. Imagine not doing a poo for a week.  Those cases always had to see the medics to get their insides flushed out.  Some blamed the ratpacks, but I always thought it was psychological.  Most people don’t like to shit in the woods.

    The longest I ever heard of was 11 days.  He was medevaced in the end.

    ;-p

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 09 27 at 07:45 PM • permalink

  60. Sitting to quitting in 65 seconds.

    Now try it with full battle rattle.

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 09 27 at 07:47 PM • permalink

  61. #59 TRJ and frollicking
    Hmm. I reckon that the actors mostly don’t poo. They are full of shit.

    Sixty-five seconds sounds reasonable, especially if someone’s going to be shooting at you, you just don’t want to be squatting and farting around.

    Posted by kae on 2007 09 27 at 07:55 PM • permalink

  62. #31 & 32. Radius and Retread, you are both right, of course.
    My apologies.
    I claim streakers’ defence — it seemed like a good idea at the time (midnight here).
    I was trying to get some reality into the discussion.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 09 27 at 08:50 PM • permalink

  63. I have viewed the plans for Cate’s house. It’s a dump.

    I incorrectly assumed that la piscine on the plans was a swimming pool.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 09 27 at 08:59 PM • permalink

  64. #30 and #62, Skeeter:

    Shame on you for pulling out that old chestnut.

    Now tell them about the cobs.

    Posted by saltydog on 2007 09 28 at 12:35 AM • permalink

  65. #56 - Pogria, the Australian Army does not salute when in the field.

    #60 - TRJ, I was around in the era before body armour.  I think my generation was the last of the “old expendables”.  Battle rattle consisted of a giggle hat and webbing. 

    To make things even easier, I once managed to rip the crotch out of my pants whilst leaping over a log.  Given that it was summer, jocks were not necessary.  As I had destroyed my other pair of pants doing some wiring, I spent half a day with everything hanging out. 

    Like I said, 65 seconds from go to whoa.

    I’ll never forget the wonderful advice handed down by the old NCOs. 

    “If ya don’t eat, ya don’t shit.

    If ya don’t shit, ya die.”

    Couldn’t have expressed it better myself.

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 09 28 at 04:15 AM • permalink

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