<< ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE IN THE CURRENT AUDIENCE ~ MAIN ~ ANGRY GAIA WATCH >>
GLORIOUS SHIFT FORWARD
The San Francisco Chronicle’s Mark Morford—still freakin’ out the squares after all these years—proposes an increase in fuel prices:
Make it 10. Ten bucks a gallon, no matter what the going rate for a barrel of light, sweet crude. That would so completely, violently, brilliantly do it. Revolutionize the country. Firebomb our pungent stasis. Change everything. Don’t you agree?
Reading this, why do I feel as though a homeless person is grabbing at my clothes?
Here’s what we could do: Give gas discounts to cabdrivers (at least initially), metro transit systems and low-income folks, those who have to drive their busted-up ‘78 Honda Civics to their jobs scrubbing restaurant toilets and flipping burgers and vacuuming the residual cocaine from the seat cushions of numb SUV owners. Everyone else, 10 bucks a gallon, across the board. Eleven for premium.
People in America are employed as residual cocaine vacuumers? Wow; consider the side benefits. Vladimir, I tell you, is wonderful country this USA!
It would take some finessing.
No kidding, Mr Greenspan. But once you’ve “finessed” things ...
Voila—gas crisis, oil crisis, warmongering agenda, pollution issues, road rage, traffic congestion, urban decay, oil profiteering—all completely, almost totally, somewhat solved. Or at the very least, dramatically, gloriously shifted toward ... I don’t know what. Something better. Something more humane, less greedy, more sustainable. Could it work? How outraged would you be to have to pay that much for gas? How long would that feeling last?
Beats me. Let’s ask some Palestinians, who are currently enjoying Morford-like fuel policies courtesy of someone in Israel who evidently read his column:
Palestinian gas stations started shutting down and motorists lined up at pumps after an Israeli fuel company cut off deliveries Wednesday, deepening the humanitarian crisis following Hamas’ rise to power.
Warmongering agenda solved!
An end to fuel supplies for the West Bank and Gaza could cripple hospitals, halt food deliveries and keep people home from work - a devastating scenario for an economy already ravaged by Israeli and international sanctions.
Gloriously shifted forward!
Mujahid Salame, head of the Palestinian petrol authority, predicted fuel supplies would run out in many areas by Thursday. “If this happens, there will be a humanitarian crisis,” he said.
Something better!
“I bought more than I need because I want to guarantee that I can reach work again,” said Osama Shaban, 33, a construction engineer who drives 10 miles to work each day.
Hey, Shaban: consider your pungent stasis firebombed, dude!
Dr. Moaiya Hassanain, a top Health Ministry official in Gaza, warned that the area’s hospitals, already suffering from a medicine shortage, would cease to function without fuel: Ambulances would stop running, employees would be unable to get to work, gas generators - used during ongoing electric outages - would be hobbled.
Less greedy, more sustainable! Under the innovative Morford Plan, Palestinians will soon be making most of their daily trips via flyweight recumbent bicycles or gravity-sensible skitter-carts. Morford should visit Gaza to tell people how much better off they are without affordable fuel (or any fuel at all). He could take some of that pornography he’s always talking about, too; I hear it still has shock value over there.
UPDATE. Maybe Rich Hall can write Morford into his next play.
I guess we should be glad he didn’t do 18 pages, but ... why do I feel as though a homeless person is grabbing at my clothes?
Posted by chinesearithmetic on 2006 05 12 at 02:38 PM • permalinkDear god… this man has actually disappeared up his own asshole!
I have a general theory, crude now but slowly developing, of how to determine instantly if someone is a dangerous idiot:
If their solution for anything is “let’s force things to be more expensive!” they are a dangerous idiot.
I also LOVE his little tack-on fantasy of how guns could just disappear and make everyone a happy hippy.
Morford responds to his email (at least he’s always answered mine). If you can believe it, he’s a bigger wack job jerk one-on-one than he is at SFGate (I don’t think his screeds make it into the dead tree edition).
The Joooooos hang tough:
Compounding Hamas’ woes, Israel cut off about $55 million in monthly transfers of tax it collects for the Palestinians. Israel has placed the money in escrow.
Israel dipped into this money last month to pay Palestinian bills to government-owned companies, such as the Israeli electric monopoly. The Palestinians rely on Israel for many key supplies, including fuel, electricity and water.
Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said Wednesday that Israel would consider releasing the tax funds “for direct humanitarian needs, such as medicines, such as health needs.” But the money could not go to the Palestinian Authority to pay salaries, she told Channel 10 TV.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 05 12 at 02:54 PM • permalinkI expect about a day into his pogrom, er, program Mr. Morford would wind up swinging at a gas station, Mussolini style.
Posted by Monroe Doctrine on 2006 05 12 at 03:09 PM • permalinkKyda,
Morford’s columns don’t appear in the print edition of the Chronicle. I once had a SF local tell me that because she’d read the dead tree version of the paper every day and had never heard of Mark Morford and since his writing is so atrocious, she assumed that he was some extreme parody made up by bloggers to make fun of the far left. She was really surprised to learn he was an actual professional columnist.Posted by EmilyJones on 2006 05 12 at 03:14 PM • permalinkOr at the very least, dramatically, gloriously shifted toward ... I don’t know what.
This is the part I love. This Pollyanna hippie, with his rosy, pie-in-the-sky vision of the future, doesn’t really know what would happen if his plan were put into effect. He just thinks it would be grand, and everybody would join hands and sing Kumbaya.
This is the same sort of intelligence that abounds among a certain people of Middle Eastern appearance who keep trying to kill the very people they depend on for, well, everything. Sometimes I don’t understand how Homo Sapiens made it out of the caves.
Mark Moron
How outraged would you be to have to pay that much for gas?
Outraged enough to hunt you down like the rat you are and flip you inside out, thanks for asking, ya commie dipshit.
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 05 12 at 03:40 PM • permalinkRule of thumb: Anybody who uses the word “greedy” with a straight face is a perpetually adolescent imbecile.
Posted by P. Froward on 2006 05 12 at 03:41 PM • permalinkMy own fetish is for the criminal law – I like getting off on technicalities, but that’s another story.
Giraffe, I’m stealing that one. Just so you know.
Posted by Monroe Doctrine on 2006 05 12 at 03:49 PM • permalink17 R C Dean
Could someone explain how either way of getting to $10/gallon gas is progressive?
I’m not sure if it’s built into THIS dipshit’s plan, but the Thomas Friedman version of this dipshit plan is to adjust the tax, however often it takes (weekly? daily? hourly?) so that the gas consumer’s net cost remains constant. As the price of gasoline steadily rises (and at least Friedman gets that this has SOMETHING to do with world fuel demand), the tax would be steadily eroded away, leaving the cost-to-consumer constant. Because you know how fast, accurate, and flexible Congress is with adjusting tax rates to match reality.
Galbraith died just in time. He would have loooooooooooooooved this stupid plan.Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 05 12 at 03:50 PM • permalinkMorford’s stuff always sounds as though he typed it with one hand while simultaneously, er , pleasuring himself with the other. That might explain his incoherence.
Posted by Sonetka's Mom on 2006 05 12 at 03:54 PM • permalinkHey! In the time it took me to reply to R C Dean’s comment at #17, it MOVED to #19. Seriously! I haven’t even been into the mead supply yet at all!
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 05 12 at 03:54 PM • permalinkDamn it! Now it’s moved to #21! What the fuck…?
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 05 12 at 03:55 PM • permalinkYou’ve got to love the brilliance of his argument that giving discounts on gasoline to lower income people driving older, less fuel-efficient automobiles with higher emissions will help contribute to cutting down on pollution.
Posted by EmilyJones on 2006 05 12 at 03:56 PM • permalinkLemme get this straight - he wants to put even more money into the pockets of the oil companies by mandating a minimum price of $10 per gallon for gas?
Or is he talking about raising one of the most regressive taxes in America by a factor of 20 or more?
Could someone explain how either way of getting to $10/gallon gas is progressive?
I have heard of some weird fetishes in my time, but this hankering to return to the good old days of 11th century feudal serfdom has to be just about the kinkiest.
My own fetish is for the criminal law – I like getting off on technicalities, but that’s another story.
Seriously, if these guys want to lead the oil free life, it exists. They can grab the fantasy. They can be there by next Friday. There are parts of Papua New Guinea, and most of the middle of Africa between Zimbabwe and about Egypt where you can get loads of it.
If it were really such a great life, we’d all be heading in that direction – with the billionaires leading the race.
Posted by Flying Giraffe on 2006 05 12 at 04:20 PM • permalinkI hereby propose a tax on organic produce to maintain it at a constant price to the consumer of $10/lb. The revenue would be used to finance affordable fruits and vegetables for the poor.
If necessary, the price can be adjusted to $20/lb. The important thing is to make the freaking smugs squeal.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 05 12 at 04:25 PM • permalinkMorford clearly doesn’t know about the Arab oil embargo back in the 1970s, when there wasn’t enough gas to go around for a long time. It was anything but sweetness and light, I can assure you. Different reasons, but the same results.
And those damn hippies were as nasty about getting their gas as the rest of the country was. Ain’t gonna be peaceful, no way.
Talk about selective memory. Or simple ignorance. Or drug damaged memories. Possibly all three.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 05 12 at 04:27 PM • permalinkCould someone explain how either way of getting to $10/gallon gas is progressive?
It’s progressive because Morford’s class—the educated urban professionals—wouldn’t notice it at all. They’re wealthy enough and live in circumstances that make the cost of gas immaterial to them. They live in places with big mass-transit systems, or live downtown and can walk to their jobs. They already pay premiums for their food, or never bother to eat anything prepared at home.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2006 05 12 at 04:29 PM • permalinkOz….City For Sale. Cheap...Don’t let this gem slip by…act now…San Francisco. $1.00. Yes folks you read that right…the sum of ONE U.S. DOLLAR. It’s yours to do with as you choose…Come on Oz, you know you could use another city….lol.
Why do we call it a humanitarian crisis when brown people with an Islamic accent, run out of fuel…When the whole damn world watches, Black people in Africa, die every day for lack of food, lack of security, lack of hope, lack of medical care, lack of civility on the WORLD’S part, and on and on…yet the WORLD must rush to the aid of the former, versus the latter?
San Francisco. $1.00.
There has to be a catch! What’s the delivery charge?
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2006 05 12 at 04:41 PM • permalinkHm, I noticed the time disparity myself. It could have something to do with server time vs whatever time you have your profiles set at. I hope the database isn’t about to go kerflooey. (Runs off to check.)
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2006 05 12 at 05:17 PM • permalinkSomehow it’s a good thing if we artificially inflate the price of gas so people won’t use it, but also a good thing if we legalize drugs so that the price goes down and stoners aren’t hassled.
Makes perfect sense to me.
But seriously, there’s nothing wrong with SF trying this bold experiment itself. I, for one, would love to see Mr. Morford commuting to work by having his Volvo pulled by an elegant brace of donkeys.
O/T - Greenpeace retrenchs—
Conservation giant Greenpeace Australia Pacific has posted its third operating loss in as many years and culled staff numbers.
Greenpeace chief executive Steve Shallhorn admitted yesterday the organisation had been forced to make 12 full-time staff members out of 80 redundant this year in a belt-tightening exercise aimed at balancing the budget.
and
He admitted that Greenpeace had also wound down some campaigns and shifted others overseas under a new agreement with Greenpeace International that would see 25% of all the Australia Pacific arm’s fundraising go offshore.
See The Australian
Posted by walterplinge on 2006 05 12 at 06:13 PM • permalinkThis dork lives in a major city, yes?
He would like to see modern transport virtualy cease? So no ambulance, rubbish trucks, police vehicles, ect.Go to Somalia you waste of an orgasm.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2006 05 12 at 06:34 PM • permalinkI wouldnt use the term “why do I feel as though a homeless person is grabbing at my clothes?” though. After reading a couple of his old collums Id be more inclined to say something like “Why do I feel as though a man in a gimp mask with a Mr Ed buttplug is humping my leg”
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2006 05 12 at 06:37 PM • permalinkThis just in: Australian wounded in West Bank Protest.
Why can’t they just use real bullets and save us having to listen to these creeps from their hospital beds?
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 12 at 08:51 PM • permalinkNotice how all conversation about aid going to the PA seems to require the modifier “humanitarian” in front of it? If those people had any humanity left, they wouldn’t have voted Hamas in.
Why the hell should I give a rat’s hairy ass what happens to the Palestinians? Should I care more for their children then they do? Okay. I care this much about their children: I won’t support their murderous parents, who only raise their children as bomb delivery systems. I won’t support the children’s “education” until such time as it doesn’t indoctrinate the children to hatred and violence. I won’t suppport their health facilities until they stop killing themselves; why pay to keep anyone healthy who only going to explode later, taking other healthy people with him/her.
If they are so set on self-destruction, I say let us put them out of their misery now. It’s the humane thing to do.
Mark has had a crack-smoking problem for many years now. He needs to go to rehab with Patrick Kennedy.
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2006 05 12 at 09:18 PM • permalinkGive gas discounts to…low-income folks, those who have to drive their busted-up ‘78 Honda Civics to their jobs…
Actually, research indicates that poor people pollute more, mainly because they drive inefficient old junker cars. Ban poor people from the highways! (Although, they also tend to use more wasteful, polluting, chemical-laden products like junk food. You’ll note that super-wholesome organic “whole foods” stores are frequented almost exclusively by suburbanites and the like.)
Although, I must admit, the ‘78 Honda Civic is such a craptacular piece of shiatsu that no self-respecting slum dweller would ever be seen in one.
Posted by Aaron - Freewill on 2006 05 12 at 10:03 PM • permalinkO/T again, but worth mentioning, I trust. Report from The Telegraph (UK) that NZ is slowing disappearing up its own fundament - they are all immigrating to Australia. I don’t know whether to be flattered or horrified.
New Zealand warned over exodus to Australia
New Zealand risks becoming a mere “shell country” if it continues to lose people to Australia at the current rate, according to Jim Bolger, the former prime minister.
Mr Bolger…said in a speech to his centre-right National Party that so many “good people” were migrating that New Zealand faced the “hard question” of whether it should become part of Australia as a “conscious decision” or simply be “absorbed by osmosis”.
Australia’s founding constitution, dating from 1901, gave New Zealand the right to become a part of its larger neighbour if it chose to do so. The clause has never been revoked.
Mr Bolger’s warning comes only days after official statistics showed that the westward exodus across the Tasman Sea reached a net 20,713 in the year to March, or almost 400 a week.
For a country with a population of little more than four million, the figure represents a significant loss, and the rate has doubled in the past two years.
This week’s announcement of personal tax cuts in Australia’s budget has only heightened fears that the numbers will continue at similar levels, since it is acknowledged that personal wealth is a prime consideration among potential migrants.
They’re coming for the wealth and the opportunity and to join the RAAF. The absolute last thing Australia would want is for NZ to become another state. It would be like absorbing East Germany, except an East Germany with a fractious and financially voracious native population.
The Tele is here but no link to the article as (free) registration is required.
Posted by walterplinge on 2006 05 12 at 10:07 PM • permalinkOK. I have a job, but it’s not good enough to afford this wonderful world’s problems solving gasoline pricing strategy.
So, then I lose my job because I can’t commute to work. Now, I’m poor and jobless,but can afford gas again because they give me a special price. But, I don’t have money or anywhere to go, so I don’t really need any gas…..
Oh! I get it.
Absolute genius! Right?
Stoop Davy Dave, the catch is that you have to take the people who live in San Francisco as well as the city infrastructure. Don’t you have enough parasites in Oz already?
“Hey Cletus, y’all know who came up with this $10 a gallon gas idea anyway?”
“I heard is was some hippy dude in Frisco named Morpork or sumpin, Jake.”
“Wail, now that we hanged all them dumb Congerscritters who voted for it let’s go get him. Y’all bring the rope. I’m sure they got lampposts there in Frisco.”
As for the Paliestinians, it always amuses me to hear Arabs talking big about how they are at war with Israel and how they are going to kill all the Jews, then whine how unfair it is that the Israelis, taking them seriously as being at war, did something to hurt the poor widdle Arabs. The Arabs are the toughest talking blowhards and the whiniest spoiled brats around.
“Waah, the Jews cut off our fuel for no reason, just because we sent terrorists to kill them, shot rockets at them, and announce we are at war with them. Waaaaaah.”
Posted by Michael Lonie on 2006 05 12 at 10:13 PM • permalinkHe may be a little bit right, although his methodology is wrong and he’s doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I would love to see the market push fuel prices much higher for a period of several years. Sure, this would be economically painful for us, however it would accelerate the transition from oil as a primary energy source to something else - of which the technology probably exists today in rudimentary form. Once alternative/s to oil have been researched, developed and made widely available, the oil price will plummet as perceptions of future demand shrinks - the opposite to today’s phenomenon of perceptions of future demand forcing up prices.
When oil is considerably less strategic than it currently is, and it’s already on a long term strategic decline, we can ignore the thankless shithole that is the Middle East. Apart from laughing uproariously as all the Saudi oil princes lose their shirts and the whole place degenerates into Africa mk II.
Posted by James Waterton on 2006 05 13 at 12:48 AM • permalinkOkay, this thread looks like a Tardis accident just occured…—Posted by PW
Hm, I noticed the time disparity myself. It could have something to do with server time vs whatever time you have your profiles set at. I hope the database isn’t about to go kerflooey. (Runs off to check.)—Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator
(ignore my plea for help eh? I think not)
Posted by wronwright on 2006 05 13 at 12:50 AM • permalinkHmmmm.
I got into a discussion once with a veggie-loving hippie-wannabe who was born about 30 years too late. We argued about the future of humanity. My point was that technology was the key to the growth of humanity and the humane.
His idiotic idea was to “trash all technology so we could all live in harmony with nature and live off of Gaia’s bounty”.
Then I explain to this idiot that there are 6.5 billion people on this planet and that’s about 6.0 billion too many for a world-wide agrarian society. And that if he really felt this way then he could be the first to step on up and volunteer to be “excessed”.
Where do people pick up this muddle-headed way of thinking?
Posted by memomachine on 2006 05 13 at 01:57 AM • permalinkThe only REAL contributions that Mark Molford could offer society:
Commit suicide, donate carcass to the nearest compost pile.
Commit suicide, donate carcass to the nearest ethanol production plant (he’s partially fermented already)
Commit suicide.This amoeba (apologies microscopic life-forms everywhere) is breathing air that could be better put to use sustaining head lice. He is the culmination of everything the hippy movement has achieved. Thanks to you and yours for ruining a huge portion of the American society.
My Great Grandmother Minnie lived to the ripe old age of 102, blessedly sharp minded until the moment she died. She was a true pioneer woman; she moved west, in a wagon, with her father and two siblings when she was only five. He was a doctor and he farmed to feed his kids, but their existence was still pretty bare.
I’ll never forget one of our family reunions (which were always huge, since Grandma Minnie had 12 children who lived!) in the late sixties. Grandma was surrounded by her grandkids and great-grandkids, all of whom (except ME) were going on and on about “back to nature this” and “the simple life, good old days that”. Of course, the only person in the room who had actually lived the life they were dreaming of was Grandma Minnie. I watched her blood rise as they spoke. Finally one asked, “Isn’t that so Grandma?”
“Good old days, hell! I’ve never had it so good. I have a washing machine!!! AND a dryer.”
I knew what she was talking about, but the others thought she had gone off.
Years later I watched the first of the PBS reality shows that sends a bunch of folks out to live like they did in 1900’s, or in pioneer days, etc. The first one was a group of “pioneers”. They had to clear land, build a cabin out of materials they harvested and prepared, plant a vegetable garden, and plow a small field. Water had to be hauled every day. Every bit of food had to be prepared from scratch, after gathering and preparing to prepare.
The women found that their hands were seldom out of water. Just keeping up with the meals was almost more than they could manage. The time to prepare breakfast, and then to clean up, took them to the time to prepare lunch, etc. Washing the clothes meant hauling the water, heating the water over an open fire outside (you don’t want that heat indoors!), and so on. It took an entire day (remember when Mondays were wash day?). That only included the washing and hanging out to dry, of course. Ironing was a whole ‘nother miserable, hot day.
When the experiment was over, they showed the families going back to their homes. One woman walked in her front door and made a beeline to the laundry room, where she hugged her washer and dryer while tears streamed down her face.
We are spoiled, take too much for granted, and ignore what it has taken to get us to where we are today. Too many people opine out of an unspeakable, and inexcusable ignorance.
Well, the BOC I’m a’singing is ‘This Ain’t The Summer Of Love’.
Posted by Jeremy Nimmo on 2006 05 13 at 02:32 AM • permalinkThe sooner we make smoking marijuna a 20 year offence and put drug pushers to jail for 100 years- the sooner we will be rid of these crazy insane hippy wackos. Is it no wonder that the rise in conspiracy theories, UFO sightings, and lunnies have risen dramatically since the introduction of weed into society?
Posted by Wylie Wilde on 2006 05 13 at 05:49 AM • permalinkI am impressed.
I have most of the minions and all of the minionettes here talking notes. I’m calling the class ‘Advanced Invective’.
So far, thefrollickingmole is the winner with ‘Why do I feel as though a man in a gimp mask with a Mr Ed buttplug is humping my leg?’
Which can become: ‘Talking to a leftard like you makes me feel as though a man in a gimp mask with a Mr Ed buttplug is humping my leg’
Which is a truly splendid insult!
Bravo all!
MarkL
CanberraWhat the??? That’s a LOT of trilobites! Wron, did you leave the Tardis on again?
Lucky they are tasty little buggers.
That is a hell of a lot of trilobites. Wron, you may have just caused the Permian extinction….
They’re coming for the wealth and the opportunity and to join the RAAF. The absolute last thing Australia would want is for NZ to become another state. It would be like absorbing East Germany, except an East Germany with a fractious and financially voracious native population.
It would be like having two extra Victorias, except…
No, it would be exactly like having two extra Victorias.
The Palestinians running out of gas and being unable to operate ambulances will have one good consequence: they will murder fewer Israelis by transporting suicide bombers.
Posted by Eric Jablow on 2006 05 13 at 09:13 AM • permalink#56, thanks for that story, saltydog. I’ve never had to live like that, but my excursions into wilderness backpacking abd my field time in the military, gave me small glimpse of the idea of what it was like to live the pioneer life.
Living in harmony with Mother Gaia™ does not mean eating roots and grubs. But some of these idiot hippies think so. To which I say, “Up yours!”
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 05 13 at 09:30 AM • permalinkOne of my aunts told us stories about the “good” old days—her brother died of appendicitis, since taking the useless organ out wasn’t a possibility; dental care was having the rotted aching tooth pulled out; instead of tampons, one used old rags; the remedy for almost all ills was a combo of laudanum and whiskey, even for the hideous pangs of labor; etc., etc.
Dealing with summer heat meant moving as little as possible, were one lucky enough not to have to work in a factory 14 hours a day or in the fields.
These clowns think Mother Nature is like a nursery-school teacher, handing out organic cookies to all. They don’t realize Nature is a Hanging Judge (whomever said that first, I dunno).
Wron, you may have just caused the Permian extinction….—Posted by MarkL
I what???
Oh for crying out loud. Wronwright may have caused global warming on Mars. Oh, he may have transported a Russian lake to 5000 BC Mesopotamia and flooded Ipnapishtum and his tribe. Oh, he may have caused the three large white spots on Jupiter to converge.
(places hands on hips)
I’m so tired of these baseless accusations. People! I’m a highly trained neocon professional. I don’t make mistakes.
(worries about that Death Moon near Jupiter that seems to be alive).
Posted by wronwright on 2006 05 13 at 05:44 PM • permalinkI went through a very cold and snowy Colorado winter in a 10 x 20’ shack with now water and whatever heat I could get out of a Coleman stove. I was also broke having spent all I had building the shack. Anyway, one day having no food in the place I took a .22 out looking for something to kill. Kicked up one lousy rabbit and (wait for it) missed. If you learn just one thing (well except for never taking a .22 when there’s a shotgun handy)after going without food for a few days, it’s that all the BS disapears and you’re left wth reality. What #56 saltydog said is reality.
That’s “Utnapishtim” to you, you post-deluvian meddler, and I am still pissed off about it.
I’d barely got a decent yield from my vines when you dumped on ‘em. Had to start all over again—lucky I had plenty of fertilser left in the bilge.
Japeth sniffed and refused to haul it down the mountain, Shem was to busy “begetting”, so poor black Ham got stuck with the job.
Which leads me to wonder about that first batch…I was out like a light as planned, only to wake up to that bratling Canaan peeking at my nakedness.
Little shit, banned him forever—kicked his ass all the way to some You-Know-Who forsaken strip of land a-waaay down south.
He didn’t fare to well after that…
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 13 at 08:41 PM • permalinkOh, and that schpiel with the megaphone and the “Verily they are” this and the “Surely I will” that…you know how much cypress planks cost?
Never heard of pine?
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 13 at 08:53 PM • permalinkOh for crying out loud. Are you still whinging about it? Did I not say I was sorry?
And thank you so much for giving “the complete untarnished unfiltered story” to that hack, Gilgamesh, at the New Ur Times. Added a few details, didn’t you? An ark? You stowed your few animals and possessions on a rickety raft you borrowed from your cousin. Thousands of animals, two of a kind? Piffle. You owned exactly two oxen, five chickens, and a duck. And the duck wasn’t even yours, it just flew onto the raft. Seven days and seven nights? Well yeah, maybe that happened. You floated down to the gulf because no one knew how to work the oars.
All I have to say is, thank goodness the part about the Tardis was etched onto the tablet that was “lost”.
(memo to self: ask MarkL which pallet in cavernous warehouse “lost” tablet was placed on. He wrote on note pad “beside Excalibur, down from secret scrolls from Alexandria Library. But where is that? Gee whiz).
Posted by wronwright on 2006 05 13 at 09:12 PM • permalinkOh, come on. We all know that the Cybermen caused the extinctions, as seen in Earthshock. But they also killed Adric, so that’s okay.
Posted by Eric Jablow on 2006 05 13 at 09:48 PM • permalinkWe’ll discuss this at the next meeting, OK?
Melchizedek is setting it up for 2010, under the rock—you know the one—left at the Wall, down the stairs past the Herodian level, until you see the proto-Sinaitic grafitti, then hard right.
Apparently, Red Heifer will be provided, but you’re to bring the drinks.
Old Melchi’s memory is not what it used to be so I might leave it to you to remind Mithras, Rama, Quetzlcoatl and the others.
(b.t.w. Shiva’s not gonna make it—some business near Jupiter. That trident of his made one hell of a mark on Mimas last time he was out that way)
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 13 at 10:02 PM • permalinkWron, as a 40-year minion, let me tell you that the pallet in the cavernous warehouse the “lost” tablet was placed on is in warehouse No 82B on complex 6 (it’s the new climate controlled one in the west Australian Shield Country that we moved all the really valuable stuff to after that little incident with the Mt St Helens warehouse. We are STILL cleaning that stuff up. Bloody volcanic ash). You have the note, yes? “He wrote on note pad “beside Excalibur, down from secret scrolls from Alexandria Library.”
Excalibur is in the sharp pointies aisle, six aisles down from where the Grail is, turn left at the stuffed Quezacoatl (Lord Rove continues to be an excellent shot with that Barrett .50 cal!). Walk along nine pallets and passed the suffed Pandas (Lord ROve again) and you will see the Library of Alexandria section. Opposit it there is a pallet three racks up with a sign on it saying DANGER: SEMI CONTAINED SINGULARITY. DO NOT APPROACH EVENT HORIZON. (One of Pacos little experiments gone slightly awry) The tablet is on the pallet two to the right of that one. OK?
I absolutely withdraw the gag about causing the Permian extinction. Could you now pop over with the Tardis and erm… relocate the couple of thousand million Permian critters presently swanning about in VRWC HQ sub-basements 32 to 12,856 before Howard the Enceladan eats any more of the buggers?
The minionettes are cooking up a fine feast of mammoth steaks, your favourite Megalodon stew, and Trilobites in chili sauce for you. we erm… found some of that missing 3000 litres of Mespotamina mead, too. If you get over here RIGHT NOW they will serve it to you naked, AND ‘forget’ that they live in sub-basement 3,489 which is currently inhabited by big things with lots of legs and claws and snapping jaws. Even Howard is leery of those things.
MarkL
Canberratakes big sip of Sumerian mead
(Reads MentalFloss’s post. Has no idea where rock is, nor knows where Herodian level is. We have a Herodian level? No shit?)
takes another sip of Sumerian mead, hmmm good, better than the Kurd beer
(Reads MarkL’s post. Has no idea where any of that is. Subbasements? We have subbasements? What is a subbasement? Is that like above a basement? Decides it’s probably dark and dirty, too minion-like, wants no part of that.)
reaches for mug, notices it’s empty, damn, need more mead
(Consults big ass book of building maps. Notes there aren’t any indexes. Wonders why? Wonders if “indexes” is the plural of “index”. Has no clue.)
finds last keg of mead, last keg? wonders if someone is pilferring personal stash of mead? resolves to get another iron door with impregnable lock
(Throws big book back on Karl’s desk. Wonders whether it would be OK to ask Karl whether big rock is. Remembers last answer Karl gave, one damn enigmatic riddle, ended up lost in the Great Pyramid for three days, ~cringes~)
takes big drink of mead, hmmmm, good
(Resolves to just say FUCK IT and go back in Tardis to 1580 and get more English ale. Decides that’s a better plan, for humanity and all. Make up an excuse for MentalFloss. Wonders why the dude knows stuff. Probably liberal.)
Posted by wronwright on 2006 05 14 at 02:00 AM • permalinkMemo to Lord Rove
From Head Minion, VRWC HQMighty Lord
You must evacuate the HQ immediately and proceed to standby HQ. Your complaints concerning the present flooding of your personal quarters with raw sewage and odd-looking creatures has been caused by an enormous influx of creatures from the Late Permian, along with several hundred cubic kilometres of seawater. There are a couple of thousand million Permian creatures presently swimming about in VRWC HQ sub-basements 32 to 12,856. Flooding is spreading through the walls as the fail under hydraulic pressures they were not designed to withstand.
All minions are presently trying to deal with the emergency, ably assisted by senior Henchmen Paco and Richard. Henchman Wronwright, in charge of the Tardis (the only VRWC machine able to cause this problem) is reported to have just said ‘...FUCK IT and [I’ll] go back in Tardis to 1580 and get more English ale.’
Regret to say that your entire collection of stuffed rare and endangered species which you have personally shot has been destroyed, along with your wardrobe, all your boots, the 300 sub-levels devoted to
torture levelsdiscussion areas wherein to constructively enagage with moonbats, planning rooms and records of nefarious deeds done, planned, and Too Horrible To Contemplate.Pleased to report the self and Henchman Paco have successfully saved your personal files on Henchman, and your Rolodex. Regret to say that loss of the VRWC’s entire booze selection appears to be total (sub-basements 9,223 to 12,856) including all the Napoleon Brandy you acquired from the Frogs during that little real estate deal for the Mississippi Valley.
Recommend that you ask Wronwright about the transfer settings on the Tardis as soon as he returns from his piss-up in Elizabethan England. This incident bears a suspicious similarity to when he transported a Russian lake to 5000 BC Mesopotamia and flooded Ipnapishtum and his tribe.
Henchman Paco is flying to Australia in the super-secret Aurora to obtain his semi-contained singularity, which he says was invented for just this sort of problem and which he states can hoover up all the mess in short order.
MarkL
Canberra
Senior MinionPS. Recalling what your predecessor during Teddy R’s years did to the person responsible for a similar mess, do you want the old auto-flayer (blood spattered walls or your money back!) taked out and oiled?
*Kicks an importunate dimetrodon in the general direction of the minions*
This floor is still wet. Deal with it.
I swear to God, leadership can be a burden…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 14 at 12:53 PM • permalinkBloody henchmen. They have lunch and you have to retrain ‘em.
Richard, HOW many times to I have to tell you that it’s the MINIONS you are supposed to kick? It took us years to get that in to the employment contract, dammit!
Now get back down here and kick the MINIONS toward the DIMETRODON.
MarkL
Canberra
Page 1 of 1 pages
Members:
Login | Register
| Member List
I think he’s trying to cross Hunter Thompson and Denis Leary, but ... why do I feel as though a homeless person is grabbing at my clothes?