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GEL RULING IN
The Imam decrees:
It is our belief that Allah is the creator of the universe and all its contents. The concept of evolution is un Islamic. The animals, humans, etc all were created by the command of Allah and will be created by His command. The ever changing conclusions of the scientists is sufficient of their false research.
It is permissible to use hair gel.
Also: please observe the weight restriction of 4.374 grams.
In other Islamic hair news, it is also permissable to have hair from the back of your head transplanted to the top.
The Imam offers no advice on how much hair gel you would need to make your hair plugs look good.
Posted by Villeurbanne on 2006 10 19 at 05:34 AM • permalink....but use the hair gel for what end?
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2006 10 19 at 05:50 AM • permalink... Islam teaches one to be pure in heart, mind and soul. It is natural in a human being to be attracted to the opposite gender. The free and open communication between a male and female will make one’s heart, mind and soul dirty. This is expressed by Rasulullah [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] in the following words, ‘The eyes commit Zina. The hands commit Zina and the feet also commit Zina.’ If one intends getting married to a girl, see her and enquire about her from family and friends. They will be in a better position to inform about her than talking to her. In such a conversation, the boy and girl express themselves in the best and that does not give a true reflection of themselves. In fact, it is misleading. When one is satisfied with the investigation, make Istikhaara and seek the guidance of Allah – the knower of that which is apparent and concealed.
I guess we’ve been told then, haven’t we?
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 10 19 at 07:19 AM • permalinkOh, and no more dinner parties, either you infidel dogs!
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 10 19 at 07:21 AM • permalinkThe ever changing conclusions of the scientists is sufficient of their false research.
That sounds ominous. Now I’m busting to ask an Imam what the punishment for “false research” might be.
Then, I’ll have to ask what kinds of research the faithful may be permitted. And I’ll need to know of the achievements of Islam through history, and whether superstring theory is Haram, and of a woman’s eyes and hands and feet, and then of course there’s…
Hey, is it just me are the walls closinnnggg innnnn…
Ahh!
Yes, but what brand? So many choices, so few Imams.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2006 10 19 at 07:33 AM • permalinkOh blogstrop, I remember that song…
My golly you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a phoarrrr in bed
And the mast was a rampant thingummyThat’s what a private school education taught me. That, and strip poker.
There was one about a girl’s school, too.
Anyway, there’ll be none of that, singing isn’t permitted.
#10. ‘Twas on the good ship Zina. ‘Twas a strange tale, of obsessive compulsive disorder, of a a man so holy that only he could decipher the gobbledygook that was written to him over many years of devotion to his god.
He sat at his computer in the captain’s cabin above the kaffir dogs hauling on the oars, ensuring that he could travel the waters of the world smoothly, dispensing fatwas with a flair wondered at by the faithful and unfaithful alike.
Who is this man? Who is this mufti?
Who is this moron who dares to prate to the lovelorn, the confused, the hesitant and the fearful?
He is…... Super Mufti!
Faster than a speeding fatwa!
More powerful than a belt of semtex!
Able to leap tall camels in a single hump!to be continued…..
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 10 19 at 07:49 AM • permalink#16 Kae, that’s more for a SuperBogan. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a mullah with a mullet.
Hmm. Shades of Danny Kaye and the chalice with the malice being replaced by the fridays with the fatwas.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 10 19 at 07:59 AM • permalink2. Bonmot
Obviously it is also permissable to use Semtex, AK-47’s
Yes, but how many grams of semtex? And what grain of bullet should I load in my AK?
Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2006 10 19 at 09:35 AM • permalinkTim thanks so much for posting this link to the Imam
Question 9612
Would it be wrong to dissect a fetal pig for a class with gloves on?
Instead of hanging out the washing I’ve been reading this truly wonderfully funny site - it can’t possibly be for real!
Advice is needed for EVERYTHING by the looks of things
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2006 10 19 at 09:49 AM • permalinkI’m just nuts about Ask the Imam - it’s just so funny - it must be a joke right?
Ques 6847
A) Is it permissible to use lipstick containing ‘Cetyl Alcohol’ ? B) What is your view regarding the reading of books such as Harry potter?
It has to be a parody
I can’t believe that these people need to be led into making ALL decisions by asking the Imam
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2006 10 19 at 09:57 AM • permalinkHmmmm.
Relying on imams for every single thing in life is not only pathetic but really really creepy.
Posted by memomachine on 2006 10 19 at 10:39 AM • permalink#10 That be a cheery drinkin’ song, shipmate, and this fine vessel were fraught to the gunnels with mead when we left port. Alas, there be dreadful news. I have no idea where ‘tis gone, but now there be just a meager ration of fourteen barrels locked away beneath the fo’c’s’le.
’Twas the First Mate, wronwright, who had the only key, tucked safely under his belt on the eve before it were mysteriously fed to the ship’s goat. Aye, and ‘e’s been seen talkin’ to that goat, it’s been told.
Word amongst the crew is that ‘e says it’s a spy from the Americas that’s lost its way. Bah! There be no joy to be had for the wretched souls aboard the Zina.
The random fatwa button is great fun. Also, evidently hair styling issues are of great concern to the inquiring muslim, as just a few random clicks led me to Fatwa 5401 on the use of Bryl Creem (it’s ok too, Allah’s mercy be thanked!). I have tried to think of a question to post to the Imam as a joke, but cannot think of anything much more niggling and inane than the ones that seem to get asked and answered with complete seriousness by the real users of the site. I hope the fact that the question quota is full indicates that you lot have a better imagination than I do.
Can you imagine having to call your minister/rabbi/priest for a ruling on hair gel? And what about hair tonic (after all, tonics usually contain alcohol)? How is it that hair gel is even addressed in the Koran? Or the size and metal content of rings? The trivialities of Mohammed’s visions are beyond belief.
What else do you suppose is permissable to swallow during Ramadamadingdong, Saltydog?
Remember, Allah Talala knows best. (Listen, I normally don’t like to make fun of other people’s religious convictions, but aussiemagpie is right, Islam is beyond parody. How can they possibly expect us to treat it with respect much less deference. I guess what really does it for me is the part where one’s highest heavenly reward is a brothel staffed with perpetual virgins to deflower. And the fact that you can reach that pinnacle by murdering innocents. You just can’t expect me to take this kind of shit seriously.)
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 10 19 at 11:41 AM • permalinkI’ve given up hanging out the washing, feeding the stray cat that comes around at 1am, and reading and posting here
I’m just wrapped in Ask the Imam
It’s bloody funny - in fact it’s stuff that should be a comedy series on telly really
I just can’t get enough of it - I’d better ask the Imam if there is something wrong with me!
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2006 10 19 at 11:55 AM • permalinkLook Tim this has disrupted my whole night
All I’ve done for hours is read Ask the Imam
I’m now addicted to this
No more Who Weekly or New Idea for me
Just Ask the Imam
This has given me more insight into the insane control this cult has over its followers than anything else I’ve ever read
It’s bloody unbelievable really
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2006 10 19 at 02:05 PM • permalink#10 & 13
The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
And so on ... to
The Good Ship Venus
Note: NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!! Especially if you start singing.Cheers
Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2006 10 19 at 02:22 PM • permalink#35: in fact, as you may know, Tim Blair’s blog once had its own resident Imam, the esteemed Mufti of the Muff.
So what exactly is the difference between Allah and the nagging god Nuggan in Pratchett’s “Monstrous Regiment?”
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 10 19 at 08:20 PM • permalinkWhat’s the weight restrictions for gold Rolexes? If it’s the same as for rings (and it looks like gold is naughty as well) there’s a whole heap of Gulf poobahs who are as haram as billy-o.
I don’t think all the carpet kissing and arse elevation in the world will get them out of this amount of wickedness.
Nilknarf Abed: “The free and open communication between a male and female will make one’s heart, mind and soul dirty.”
There’s something indescribably depressing about that… and disgusting, too.Posted by arrowhead ripper on 2006 10 19 at 09:27 PM • permalink#39 Bonjour triteness, you are so right.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2006 10 20 at 02:17 AM • permalinkI love this site. Hopefully, the question quota will go down soon as I am compiling a list of questions for the Imam.
The one I am working on now is:
Imam, I have dilemma and need your sage advise. My oldest brother, Ali, has repeatedly relieved his frustrations on a particular nanny of our herd of goats. I know this to be true because I was holding her head. Later the same night as these incidents, I would hear Ali relieving himself again with his wife. I also know this to be true because they are on my side of the tent. The problem I have is that Ali refuses to wash himself after satisfying the goat and before he satisfies his wife. He is the oldest, and I am afraid he will satisfy himself with me if I rebuke him. Please advise.Not wrong Aussie Magpie, this site is incredible check out question 13040.
Question:
Making fard prayer before fard in Jama’t with imam due to wind problem
Sometimes I have wind problem when wind passes every five to ten minutes. With Imam in Masjid when he prays long rakats, sometimes I have to leave the prayer in between and go to make wudu again and again. I wanted to know if I can pray fard with short rakats at home (also it is easy to make repeated wudus at home) and then go to masjid and pray fard with Imam again so that either of two will be accepted.Answer:
There are two aspects to your question:-The first is the repetition of the fard Salaah which there is no need for because of the whudu breaking. The solution is that you go and make your salaah with jamaah as you would and if your whudu breaks you would leave and renew the whudu and return and complete the salaah. If your Salaah breaks in the first rakaah and then you go and renew the whudu you would still get the rest of the Salaah and Allah willing get the full reward as the problem is a natural one and could happen to anyone even the Imaam .
The second part is that you need to seek medical advice on how to over come the problem which nowadays there are many solutions to such a problem.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
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As I suspected, those who use hair gel are not products of intelligent design.