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GARRETT UNKNOWN
Traceeee Hutchison once defended Peter Garrett’s “pragmatic resolve to be part of a political process that is all about compromise.” After all, as she pointed out, Garrett is hardly “the only person who has ever modified a point of view as a trade-off for the bigger picture”. A Midnight Oil fan for decades, Traceeee wasn’t impressed by “former friends” who “condemned a man who once dared speak his youthful idealistic mind”. Cutting Garrett down, she warned, “does the pragmatic idealist in us all a massive disservice.”
But now - this is so beautiful - Environment Minister Garrett has approved the dredging of Traceeee’s beloved Port Phillip Bay shipping channels. Time for Traceeee to cut him down:
I don’t think I know you any more ...
I’m just not sure where to start. Given you’ve just approved an environmental bloodbath in my bay right on Christmas and you didn’t have the decency to come and look at what you’re destroying I’ve been floundering around like a dolphin that’s been blasted by a series of underwater sonic shock waves.
Hey - not fair making fun of Pete’s dancing.
I didn’t ever imagine I’d be the one to remind you that dolphins are also part of the whale family, minister. That’s why I’m floundering. I just don’t know who you are any more.
Dolphins, whale, flounder ... anyone else feel like getting some fish and chips?
We could have swum in the pristine water and marvelled at the gannets and the colony of Australian fur seals ... you’d have seen the extensive beds of giant kelp and leathery kelp that create an underwater garden bed for the algae, the molluscs ... It’s the kind of thing the old Peter would have loved.
Traceeee previously railed against people racing “to expose the views formerly held by the man formerly known as the lead singer of Midnight Oil.” Now she does the same:
I’d have found a moment to reminisce about the first time I saw your band, back in 1981 at the Caulfield Town Hall, and how it changed my life. We might have talked about the songs and the marches and all that conviction. And, if you’d let me, I’d have looked you in the eye and tried to find where you had gone.
He’s gone dredgin’, baby! This new Environment Minister is working out rather well.
UPDATE. Traceeee’s fellow anti-dredgers oppose deeepening:
There’s no pleasure greater than watching the shattered illusions of a lefty when her hero goes over to the other side.
The same pain will soon be inflicted on Rudd-worshippers. Marvellous.
And right on Christmas!
Posted by walterplinge on 2007 12 21 at 08:29 PM • permalinkPeople who could only perform under the influence of certain substances cannot in later life be able to remember what they stood for.
Cannot enter discussion as I know too little about subject, Do want to comment on brave and fearless Kevie 07 and his ‘Bay of Pigs,standoff against Japan. I am sure we are all so glad for the whales.
Now having taken that tough decision to use our Navy to intimidate Japan Will he do like wise with the Chinese and their cruelty in netting sharks and removing their fins only, and then throwing the still living tortured animals back into the sea to drown?
I’m waiting ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZI am also perplexed as to why whales are given such specialised treament but sharks ignored- oh we don’t have ‘Sharkwatch’ tours. Sharks are not cute but as vital to the environments , perhaps more than whales.
Now Kevie get ot those gun boats and show China you mean business.#4 I am also perplexed as to why whales are given such specialised treament but sharks ignored…
It’s because sharks are very tasty and a minor but important part of the Australian (Victorian, anyway) diet. We had shark-and-chips for dinner yesterday. Yum. I bet whale-and-chips would also be tasty.
Posted by walterplinge on 2007 12 21 at 08:37 PM • permalinkIt only starts with the dredging.
The final product will be the Australian Bowl!
The land mass will be rounded off and made into a nice circular shape. All that extra dirt in the middle of the land mass will be excavated and piled up in ramparts around the perimeter of the land mass.
A standard NFL football field will be built in the very center of the land mass. The ramparts will be sculpted into seating appropriate for semi drunk and loudly rowdy fans.
A dome will be constructed over the land mass to ensure stable weather conditions year round.
This is all due to be completed by 2050. By that time, Australia will be the only place remaining in the world not over run by partisan NFL team fandom. It will be the last of the “safe zones” were the hard core adherents to any team can meet and mix with those from competing teams so we can have our Super Bowl.
Y’all, of course, will be relocated to Antarctica. Sorry, but it is for the greater good.
That Traceeeeee gives stupid people a bad name. Some special interest group representing the incredibly stupid (well now, I suppose that would in fact be nearly all of them, wouldn’t it?) ought to get a restraining order against her.
Posted by Steve Skubinna on 2007 12 21 at 09:38 PM • permalink#6. No gannets, please, they’re dirty.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 12 21 at 10:13 PM • permalink‘I bet whale-and-chips would also be tasty.’
Actually, whale is rather coarse. I’ve no objection to eating humpback whale, have eaten it (not a whole one, just a slice) but it isn’t choice.
Posted by Harry Eagar on 2007 12 21 at 10:40 PM • permalinkDolphins, whale, flounder ... anyone else feel like getting some fish and chips?
I’ve got some Old Bay, Bookbinder’s and Tartar Sauce. Let’s fry us up some Hello Whaley!!
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 12 21 at 10:49 PM • permalinkHeres a Nimby site for the Port phillip project.
Check out the huuuuuge turnout for their protest on the beach about half way down the page.
Checking the area straight after dredging? And claiming thats what the area will allways be like afterwards, what nobs.
But of couse any arguement against the project would have to include the mandatory inclusion of gerbil worming hysteria.“We should all be concerned:
* that our beaches will be contaminated
* about predicted high levels of toxins in local fish, eels and mussels
* that channel deepening will add to the effects of sea level rise and extreme weather events
* about flooding in the low-lying coastal areas in your electorate”In 50 years the area will be back to normal, the fish wont remember, and the moonbats will be dead.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 12 21 at 10:56 PM • permalinkIsn’t that just the way it always is, girls? You go completely ga-ga over some guy, you’re sure he’s your soul mate, you even go “all the way” with him, in order to prove how much you love him. Then, one morning, you wake up, extend an arm to caress your dream man, feel nothing but rumpled sheet, pat furiously trying to find him while your eyes are still closed - C’mon! You’ve seen it in the movies a thousand times - finally pry your lids open and, your eyes still puffy from sleep, you find the following note on his pillow:
“Thanks, babe, it’s been real. I’m off to dredge the Port Phillip Bay shipping channels. Hooroo!”
Shed a tear for the loss of Traceee’s youthful naivete. Now that Port Phillip bay has been designated a national sacrifice area, how about building a dump for nuclear waste, too?
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 12 21 at 11:15 PM • permalink#22 paco,
“Then one morning, you wake up, extend an arm to caress your dream man, feel nothing but rumpled sheet, pat furiously trying to find him while your eyes are still closed”
and all you find is the arm underneath you that he chewed off during the night so that he wouldn’t wake you while he was making his get away!
You left that bit out paco!!!
Tracee:
Here’s a protest tip.
Hire some scuba gear and go and lie on the sea bottom in front of the dredger.
Dredger operator (to Captain): “Hey did you just hear something go schllooooooooorrrrp-clunk up the pipe?”
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 12 21 at 11:34 PM • permalinkGold.
Pure comedy GOLD!!
I was at an industry conference recently, and it was pointed out that derdging Melbourne will enable circa 9000 TEU box carriers entry/exit in Melbourne fully laden. This will save a HELL of a lot of money in transport costs for TraceeEEee‘s imported French champagne and batteries for he Midnight Oil vibrator from Taiwan.
It will also benefit everyone else by easing congestion caused by using small spoke feeders.
MarkL
CanberraPeter the blad-head Greenie,
Had a very shiny head,
And if you ever saw him,
You would say he’s green and red.All of the Labor pollies,
Used to laugh and taunt his art,
They never let poor Peter,
Ever have any speaking parts!Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Kevin came to say,
Peter with your creds so white,
Won’t you dredge my bay tonight?All the Labor pollies loved it,
And distanced themselves with glee.
Peter the bald-head Greenie,
You’ve lost your chance to bed Traceeeeee!Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 12 22 at 12:21 AM • permalinkWell, it’s not like OZ is short on beaches. It’s kinda like dredging around Florida.
Shrimpneck1: “I hear they’s gonna dredge Appalachacola Bay. St. George is gonna be ruint for years. Now where in the Hell ‘re we gonna drink beer and look at pretty girls?”
Shrimpneck2: “Panama City?”
SN1: “I’ll get the cooler.”
Yeah. Not so exciting. Though a good hurricane every few years dramatically reduces the need for dredging. Y’all can have some of ours if’n you’re short.
saturday morning at the office and tim greets trixi with a kiss on the cheek. “i understand, trixi, he says” its hard to let go of adolesecent crushes. but the most important thing is to remember.. what you believed as a child should not affect your mind as an adult.” and then he kissed her gently on the forehead
Traceeee:
I’m just not sure where to start. Given you’ve just approved an environmental bloodbath in my bay right on Christmas and you didn’t have the decency... blah-blah-blah.
Yes, dearie, it’s all about YOU!
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 12 22 at 01:38 AM • permalink#58 Pogria
“Opposition Leader Kevni Ruff ...” - Australian Associated Press re-names the Labor leader.
January? That was way back in January. It can’t have been that long. Damn. Where’d a whole year go?
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 12 22 at 02:28 AM • permalinkmissred needs to do some shopping?
Cheers
Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2007 12 22 at 02:29 AM • permalinkMaybe Traceee’s onto something, I heard on the QT that the Plundering And Carving Oceanfloor company have been awarded the contract.
Their demo video is here.Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 12 22 at 02:38 AM • permalinkTraceeee - truly beyond parody (and beyond hope).
Posted by AlphaMikeFoxtrot on 2007 12 22 at 03:04 AM • permalinkWARNING!!! Five years remain!!!
21 Dec 2012 You too OHH.Cheers
Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2007 12 22 at 04:34 AM • permalinkHas anyone ever noticed that everything that Traceeee opposes is actually good for society?
Posted by Jack Lacton on 2007 12 22 at 04:41 AM • permalinkO/T but really really bad crazyness in the UK.
and
“The climate change minister, Phil Woolas, said: “This will have huge implications for [the] government. If for instance a new power station is due to cost £1bn, but it will add £200m worth of carbon emissions, we will decide that the cost of the power station is £1.2bn, even though its cash price is £1bn. We are creating a new currency.”
Its sad to see a nation commiting suicide.
Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 12 22 at 05:10 AM • permalink“Traceee dumped me!” Peter wailed. “Gomez, what do I do now?”
Posted by dean martin on 2007 12 22 at 05:23 AM • permalinkI think the banner on the biplane says “for the life of the bat”
Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 12 22 at 06:26 AM • permalinkMerry Christmas TimB! I hope this will get you through most of 2008. Since I got you such a great gift maybe you could use your position as opinion page editor at the Telegraph to let me have some space on that page to express some opinions about 1.618, 1.618 & me, and other 1.618 related topics. I think about 8-12 column inches might be enough space. What girl wouldn’t be impressed by 8 column inches? (over 20 cm!)
Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 12 22 at 06:35 AM • permalinkOops.
#84 Colonel, I do believe you are needed to defend your lady’s honour.
Go forth, Brave Colonel!
Tracee Hutchison is a writer and broadcaster and Mornington Peninsula resident. She will be on leave for two weeks Has been on leave for years. Though I’m encouraged that her column rant didn’t include mulling over the Giant Defence Ships conspiracy.
Is it possible that Tracee reads this column, and has actually learnt something?#79 It’s sad to see a nation committing suicide.
It happened years ago. I read the UK news daily and I can but shake my head in unbelieving despair. The country is stuffed - the weird mindset in your item permeates everything.
Posted by walterplinge on 2007 12 22 at 07:12 AM • permalink“pragmatic idealist”
“Enviromental bloodbath”
These are gems and show be on public display somewhere. Oh, wait a minute , they are, they were published.
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 12 22 at 07:18 AM • permalinkyou didn’t have the decency to come and look at what you’re destroying
Is Tracee a scuba diver?
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 12 22 at 07:19 AM • permalinkIs Traceee complaining because Garrett has changed his tuna?
Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 12 22 at 07:23 AM • permalinkBritain is done. Stick a fork in her.
This is why.
Dhimmis now rule the country that once stood as a beacon of freedom throughout the world.
What the hell happened to them?
Posted by Pedro the Ignorant on 2007 12 22 at 08:20 AM • permalinkTraceeeeeeee claims Garrett has: “been duped into believing the well-oiled PR machine of the Victorian Government and the taxpayer-funded Port of Melbourne Corporation that jobs are more important than the environment.”
Actually, Traceeeeeeee, it’s even better that that! It’s not only about jobs. its also about deep-draft WARSHIPS!!!
Traceeee is finding out those socialist utopias ain’t what they used to be!
Posted by AlphaMikeFoxtrot on 2007 12 22 at 02:53 PM • permalinkIsn’t digging a big hole in the ocean bottom going to, you know, make more room for all the extra water once the ice caps melt?
Posted by Steve Skubinna on 2007 12 22 at 10:31 PM • permalinkI hope she sits on a sea urchin - a good dose of its venom would do her some good.
Posted by Wylie Wilde on 2007 12 24 at 09:25 AM • permalink
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Sounds like Traceeeeee has a whale of a problem there. I hope that she doesn’t lose her porpoise in life over Garrett’s change of mind….although he did pick halibut a time to do so!