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EXTERNAL COMBUSTION
Mohammed gets a motor:
Malaysia, Iran and Turkey plan to build an “Islamic car” fitted with a compass to find the direction of Mecca, and a compartment to keep the Koran in, the Malaysian state news agency said.
It also stops working five times every day. For prayers.
Malaysian automaker Proton’s managing director Syed Zainal Abidin Syed Mohamed Tahir said during a visit to Tehran that the vehicle would be aimed at the global export market.
“Aimed at.” Unfortunate choice of words.
"The car will have all the Islamic features and should be meant for export purposes,” he said, adding that it would feature a compartment for keeping the Muslim holy book the Koran, and prayer scarves.
Via Alan R.M. Jones, who suggests a naming comp: “My vote is the Martyrmobile.” Well, seeing as nine eleven is already taken ...
Speaking of unfortunate choices of words, the piece on Norman Mailer on NPR’s All Things Considered:
“He cut a wide swath through women...”
Yes, especially his second wife Adele, on the night of November 21, 1960.
I guess 6000 SUX has already been taken, but I’d buy that for a dollar!
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2007 11 11 at 12:04 PM • permalinkMareeS, I was curious about that, too, so I used Google to find this site. If your Proton is in Perth, at the corner of Riverside Drive and Victoria Ave., the bearing to Mecca would be 295.39 degrees, sort of west-north-west. I’d have to put my ham sandwich away, first. Oh, look, here’s a convenient compartment.
Hey, don’t knock it. This is a great car! It comes with a 400 camelpower turban engine, a calaphatic converter, and a stylin’ waterproof tie-down cover for when the missus gets behind the wheel. Special options include the Imam IV automatic-muezzin stereophonic call to prayer, and the jewtronic infidel identifier, for those times when you really don’t want to stop for pedestrians, but don’t want to run over one of your own. A spacious compartment in the console provides ample room for your Koran (with space left over for a suicide vest), and a sturdy AK-47 gun rack fits snugly onto the trunk (standard on all new models!). And you may want to consider the upholstery upgrade - goat leather, chewed to a luxurious softness by bedouin maidens.
Remember: It’s not your father’s Martyrmobile!
Ahmadinejad Motor Car Company...Hurry, this beauty won’t last.
Ford Fairlane, G8 BF Sedan $65, 405.
see, told ya
Please tell me why there’s no compartment for explosives.
Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 11 11 at 12:51 PM • permalinkProton has been trying to kickstart its export market as it attempts to halt a sharp decline in domestic market share and stem a series of losses—attributed to a lack of new models and a reputation for poor quality.
A compartment for the Koran and a GPS for tracking Mecca are just today’s equivalents of tricking the car out with beads and pom-pom fringes. It isn’t going to make up for the fact that you have to push it downhill to get it started.
HOLDEN, ASTRA, SRi Turbo AH Hatchback $34,990 and CHRYSLER, CROSSFIRE ROADSTER, SRT6 Convertible $91,990 Models
also known as the Uday and the Qusay
G-R-A-P-H-I-C
Will it come with the HEAT, HEDP or API options packages? What about EFP—Explosively Formed Parking-spaces?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 11 11 at 01:44 PM • permalinkFord could import them as SUVs called the Esploder.
Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2007 11 11 at 02:47 PM • permalinkWill rocket launchers and remote detonation capability be standard equipment or will Achmed have to pay extra for those? God, I love capitalism!
Happy Remembrance Day and Happy Veteran’s Day. God bless our veterans, God bless our troops and God bless Australia and America.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2007 11 11 at 03:01 PM • permalinkThe new jihadi mohammadore - blows away the opposition at the lights. In fact blows away everyone everwhere, everytime. Coming soon to your local jihadi dealer. (Option up to the paedophile pack and get a free child booster seat, wink wink).
Posted by surfmaster on 2007 11 11 at 03:25 PM • permalinkThe Burqa--but only the husband is allowed to look under the hood.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 11 11 at 03:45 PM • permalinkMy esteem for Bob Dylan just went up about 20 points.
This is about as Off Topic as possible, but y’all should aughta love this:
Special Shit.Sorry if this is old to some or all of youz. I just caught it from a link on Dr. Sanity‘s Carnival of Insanities today.
Had to share it with y’all.
So it’s going to have a glove compartment, like pretty much every other car that is currently in production?
Exactly what I was thinking. For fucks sake, I think Muslims are being conned into buying some inferior product because of how “Islamic” it is.
(see also: Mecca Cola)
Posted by Quentin George on 2007 11 11 at 03:58 PM • permalinkDarn! The Fusion, Grand Caravan, Nitro, Ramcharger, Caliber and the Blazer are already taken. Infidel swine.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 11 11 at 04:04 PM • permalinkI was at Newport the year Dylan went electric. It was...electrifying. One of America’s premier songwriters and a huge influence on just about everybody who followed him. I never figured Dylan for a lefty, people who did weren’t really listening (and then, of course, there was that unfortunate association with Joan Baez). When I’m in the car for long stretches of time by myself, I like hard, pardon the pun, driving rock--never hit the road without D’s Greatest Hits. Hey, think I’ll go crank up some right now.
Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2007 11 11 at 04:20 PM • permalinkThe hard part will be fitting more than one goat under the hood.
Is there a rumble seat for extra wives?
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 11 11 at 04:23 PM • permalinkPaco (still OT) good article on Dylan but I’m not particularly surprised. Dylan’s politics have always been fairly opaque. The most overt political song I can remember is one from the 80s called Neighbourhood Bully which is a pro-Israel song. As the article says, leftist casues have tended to appropriate Dylan’s work while he’s never publicly supported their interpretation.
There was a good part in the Scorsese film on Dylan where Joan Baez explained that one of Dylan’s famous polemics, When the Ship Comes In, was not, as it sounded, a rail against conservative forces and the demand for radical change - it was actually inspired by him not getting jilted on a rooom in a hotel. Basically an “I’m going to get you all” vent.
I thought that Ford had the exploding part patented with the Pinto back in the 70’s.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2007 11 11 at 04:34 PM • permalinkKyda & Francis H: I’ve never been a big fan of Dylan’s music (that hinky harmonica always drove me crazy), although it would have been difficult to deny that he was a genuine artist (sort of like Miles Davis; I concede his genius, but his music is too cerebral for me); however, I always just assumed that Dylan was probably a garden-variety leftist. This is a good object lesson: don’t rely on assumptions when the facts are readily ascertainable.
This also sounds like a crock. I’ve spent a lot of the past two years working in Product Development at one of the major (US) auto manufacturers, and I can report that when they design interiors they survey every market where the vehicle is to be sold and analyse every particular thing that the people in that market might want to have inside their car (there are hundreds), and try to make sure there is space for it in the glove box, or centre console, or door pocket etc. They already take very seriously the problem of designing in, for example (and right down to carefully surveyed dimensions) “amulet shelves” into Asian vehicles, “curry hooks” for the British, cup holders that can hold a day’s-worth-of-tea for the professional drivers employed by the wealthy in the Indian market, and of course the Q’ran. So what fucking tosh. Like nearly everything, already been thought of and executed in the West, guys.
Oh wait, the GPS? It’s not the GPS you need idiots. It’s the maps.Posted by ooh honey honey on 2007 11 11 at 04:58 PM • permalinkAlso, technically, and quite pedantically, a jet engine is actually called an “external combustion” engine.
Posted by ooh honey honey on 2007 11 11 at 05:14 PM • permalinkDoes it come with flame thrower?
I’ve just booked business on Emirates for December to fly to an exotic location (holiday house-my families) for CHRISTMAS, does the plane stop in the air 5 times a day? Do I have to pray to Allah on the plane? Do I have to cover up on the plane????????
I should have flown Thai Airlines.... bumma
”...a compartment for keeping the Muslim holy book the Koran, and prayer scarves.”
Interesting innovation. If only I had one in my car. But wait. Maybe if I just took out the glove compartment and replaced it with a Koran compartment. Hey, it could even be the same size, and maybe have the same door and lock, and even the same nifty light inside. Wow, Proton, I think I’ve just solved your problem.
Thee new Islamic people mover: Available in your choice of one or two humps.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 11 11 at 07:12 PM • permalinkThis car could have a deleterious effect on action films, particularly the James Bond franchise.
Bond: “Q, what does that big red button do?”
Q: “That’s the self destruct button. James - don’t....”
BOOM
Bond: “What happened to the 5 minute timer that we had on the Aston Martin?”
Q: “Proton are doing product placement in this movie. A timer for the self destruct does not appear on the accesories list.”
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 11 11 at 08:54 PM • permalinkGuys, guys, enough with the ridicule. This is just another indication that we’re winning!
I look forward to the day when Proton produce a full line of vehicles, from the 1.2 liter Saddam runabout through the 5.5 liter, 2000 kg. al Khali SUV ("sure-footed as a camel") to the magnificent Suleyman limousine, with comfortable seating for all four wives and a built-in tea dispenser. Imagine the roads, the housing estates, the explosion of curried-goat fast-food franchises.
On the day, the very day, that Khalad al-Douri decides to go into hock for a new Proton ibn Aziz 120-KW hybrid so that Suleyah can hold her head up when she takes Tahmina and Tahla to soccer practice, we can all go down the pub and hoist a glass in quiet celebration, because it means we won. Never mind the EXPLODE IF YOU LOVE ALLAH bumper sticker—look at the trademark line: “©2021 Paco Industries, S.A. All rights reserved”
Regards,
Ric#14 Harry,
“Please tell me why there’s no compartment for explosives.”What do you think the trunk (boot to Ozzies and Pommies) is for?
The Proton Splodeydope, coming soon to a dealer near you (not avaiable to Jews or Christians or Hindus or Bahais or Buddhists or...).
Posted by Michael Lonie on 2007 11 11 at 10:40 PM • permalinkIf you want good mileage in desert conditions, you really can’t go past The Jew.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 11 11 at 11:09 PM • permalinkTrust me, you don’t want the topless model, Dan.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 11 12 at 12:30 AM • permalinkEarly Prototypes Displayed Shortcomings...
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 11 12 at 01:25 AM • permalinkApparently it’s a hybrid. It runs on fertilizer, chlorine and semtex.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 11 12 at 01:34 AM • permalinkBumper stickers seen on the back:
Shiite Happens
Martyrdom Happens
Nuke Tibet
My other car is a camel
Clinton/Obama ‘08
Rudd/Gillard ‘07Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 11 12 at 01:51 AM • permalinkThe Bombalayo!
#36, thanks so much for mentioning that song Neighbourhood Bully, I had not heard of it before today. Great lyrics!
Posted by carpefraise on 2007 11 12 at 03:36 AM • permalinkActually I wanted to call it Podzilla, but Bombalayo seems to be more appropriate to their target market.
Posted by carpefraise on 2007 11 12 at 03:39 AM • permalink#49 Top work, well done.
Australian readers may remember the comedy show “The Late Show” (~1993-6, ABCTV) had something similar - the Tamil Tiger GL Hatchback.
Can’t remember all of the humorous lines, but I do remember the clincher:
“cos when you’re blown away, there’s no more to pay”.
Will be interested to see the Proton’s payment options for the believers.Some suggested marketing phrases:
“built for shahid”
“Martyrdom - with more miles per gallon”
“From A to B, then directly to paradise”
“Ideal for a one use only vehicle”May as well just name it the ‘Firqa intihariya shahina’. The ‘FIR’ for short.
Suicide squad truck, in rough Arabic.Because judging by the work ethic in most of those countries (with the exemption of the more combustible members of the populace), the car would be suicide to drive.
I say build a couple of million, and introduce compulsory car pooling while you’re at it, dear Caliphs.
If you want a hand designing the brakes, steering or ‘special airbags’, please don’t hesitate to call. :)
I do wonder if this will bring about a new ‘If you drink and pray, you’re a bloody idiot’ campaign?
Cause it’s got to be murder to try and nod your head up and down, chant, etc, whilst doing 70 as well as watching the compass to make sure the car is still pointing towards Mecca, whilst you plow through everything on that compass bearing.
Which would probably be incorrect, unless the company promises to come out with the mag variation for Mecca to every car owner over the years.
They could actually, from Perth, be pointing at Paris instead of Mecca, if they don’t know the mag variation.
Oh, that’s okay, no difference anyway I guess. :)I know I’m going to go to hell for this, but here’s a collection, some from people who have already contributed to thius thread:
1: Automatically stops 5 times a day
2: Only the husband may look under the hood
3: A 4 camel/goat/sheep version is being considered
4: No pork products wil be used…
5: A selection of ready made bumper stickers will be available, including “Explode if you love Allah”
6: Comes in two versions: One hump and two humps.
7:Can only drive toward Mecca
8: Uses no fuel during Ramadan
9:Cannot shave bugs from windscreen
10:Only pure water as coolant – no Ethylene Glycol
11:Headlights must be obscured
12:Front tyre cut off for parking violation73; sounds like the truck I’ve been driving the last couple weeks
Posted by dean martin on 2007 11 13 at 02:51 AM • permalink
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Taxis? Sounds like just the thing for the airport business.