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DAY THREE: THE BITCH SLAPPING
Paris Hilton’s prison diaries: “Lately I’m identifying with the Jews and all the horrible things that happened to them during Vietnam.”
You’d think with all the video surveillance and screws she’d be right at home.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 06 06 at 04:50 AM • permalinkNicky often mentions me and Gandhi and how incredibly thin we both are and how she wonders if he used bronzer.
Cackle.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 06 06 at 05:49 AM • permalinkBreaking News:
German Chancellor Merkin at Heilidontgiveadamm:
The accelerated climate change is a serious threat ...
... to her cred?
So that’s what a bitch slap is. Wow. Just … wow. MUST remember not to make that sarcastic face again anytime soon.
I may go to hell for it, but I laughed anyway. The whole piece was an absolute scream. And just between you and me, I’ve never seen a picture of Paris Hilton where I didn’t want to slap the smug off her face.
I checked the by-line several times. I was sure it would say Iowahawk.
LA Times; close enough. Of course, they only parody themselves.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 06 06 at 09:31 AM • permalinkHey, the suffering of the Jews in Vietnam is seared! seared! into my memory…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 06 06 at 10:52 AM • permalinkDay 4 Paris Diary
Dear Doc Shrink,
I spoke to Shapelle Corby who recommends I transfer to a Cuban Gaol. She said electrolysis is good there. Alot of people stand outside my prison with big Candles and posters saying Our prayers are with you Paris Gods speed. derrrrr!
I looked hot in my photo shoot, my room bitch loves me she’s not hot, but warm at night. She’s not as skinny as my Friend Nicole Ritchie. We might start a new Tv series the Simple life in Gaol soon. Oh Doctor, what to do, he says pretend I’m in the big brother house. I mean cameras are everywhere, and everyone pervs on each other in the showers.
p.s. must remind me not to drop soap.
Paris is a Sellebrity.
Sellebrities such as Di Caprio know all about AGW and how to fix it, Pink and Toni Collette know all about animals and how to fix them and Bono knows all about the poor and how to make them rich. Sean Penn knows all about war and international relations and how to fix all that too.
Sellebrities know all sorts of neat stuff that we don’t.
Paris knows all about getting pissed and stoned and running about with no jocks on and bunging it on for the boys and letting them record it for the delight of lads that haven’t banged her (yet).
When viewed from a dispassionate aspect her contributions are of more use to humankind than all of the other Sellebrities put together.
She was educated by the teachers union and the MSM, so she is confused like many people.
Posted by stackja1945 on 2007 06 06 at 10:49 PM • permalinkI’m going to go out on a limb here and say I didn’t find it particularly funny.
Paris Hilton is big slow moving target for satire to begin with and now she’s been staked and tethered.
All I’m saying is that it’s pretty hard to miss the bullseye when it’s 6 feet across and you’re using a shotgun at 6 inches range.
I have never found 1 single part of her attractive, nor interesting.
I contend that she has quite a comely cervix.
/debauched miscreant
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 06 06 at 11:10 PM • permalink#34: She is ugly.
I wouldn’t say that she’s actually been beaten with an ugly stick, but I’d say not anywhere near a ‘10’. I always thought that the long thin nose (with almost the identical arc that the EU is determined to maintain as the minimum curvature for imported bananas) makes her look like a goose. In fact, whenever she opens her mouth to say something, I always expect a loud *honk* to come out. What is really amusing (or kind of sad, really) is the studied attempt to strike a provocative pose; discount allure, I’d call it. I mean, compare with Ava Gardner, for example, or Lana Turner, or (Woof!) Rita Hayworth.
#42 - Damn straight about the goose comparison. Maybe all those guys who’ve stuffed her were trying to make foie gras?
As for Rita Hayworth & co. They don’t make ‘em like they used to. Mores the pity.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 06 06 at 11:28 PM • permalink#45: As for Rita Hayworth & co. They don’t make ‘em like they used to. Mores the pity.
Amen. One of the most provocative “looks” in the history of film is Rita Hayworth’s first scene in Gilda (1946): a screen with nothing but background, suddenly filled with the bare-shouldered Hayworth, her face the personification of “come hither”, and that glorious mass of red hair (the movie’s in B&W, but you just know it’s red hair). Glenn Ford’s ability to restrain himself from flapping his arms and crowing like a rooster, or turning his chin toward the ceiling and baying like a timberwolf is a great tribute to his discipline as an actor.
There are few current actresses or models that come close to the sultry yet elegant look of these classics, and 1 I will name is Scarlett Johansen. She was wearing some vintage dress at a film premiere not too long ago, and I swear if it was shown in black and white you’d easily mistake her for a 1930’s dreamboat.
A few French actresses also qualify - buggered if I can name em though!
#40 - you’d be amazed how many comedians can butcher such a target. This one had some intelligence with inventive literary references.
I always thought there was something about Charlotte Rampling.
(No, I wouldn’t jump the fence for her, but I find her remarkable.)
As for Paris, nobody paid any attention to her until she bleached her hair anyway. That tells me all I need to know.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 06 07 at 09:15 AM • permalinkA Paris updated begins…...now
It would appear that dear Paris has been “liberated” by some shrink.
Wow! That was fast. Had to have some judge adjudicate this mess after the shrink saw her. I’m sure that quick process is available to all in the California prison system.
“Equal protection under the law.” Right. Sure.
Paris just got hauled back to Big Stony Lonesome by LA Sheriff deputies on orders from the trial judge, who is considering holding LA County Sheriff Lee Baca in contempt of court for having released her. The Sheriff claims Paris has a “condition.” I can’t say I disagree…
Lets’s see if I have this straight: A bubble-headed, publicity-hungry heiress is sent to jail for a DUI and released after 3 days by a sheriff concerned by her “condition,” then sent back to jail - despite the Sheriff’s concern!! - to serve another forty days in the wilderness, all the while being followed by a gaggle of adoring papparazzi in helicopters. And to think she’s not even a Vietnamese-American Jewish princess.
What a country!
There was an actress named Laura Prepon on the sitcom That 70’s Show... clean her up right and she’s totally got that whole Lauren Bacall 1944 thing going… and she’s a shooter!
Oh, yeah, plus jaloobies that could fender an America’s Cup challenger, too, don’t know if anyone would find that interesing…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 06 09 at 03:14 PM • permalink
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