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COLUMN SOLVES OIL OVERCONSUMPTION

This week’s Continuing Crisis column for The Bulletin mentions Canada’s Globe and Mail, climate doomsday speakers, people dressed as polar bears, protest drummers, Greenpeace director Steven Guilbeault, George W. Bush, space mutants, Montreal bongo climatologists, hybrid vehicles, and Al Gore.

Posted by Tim B. on 12/06/2005 at 08:45 AM
  1. Automatic transmission: another zionistic-chimperial conspiracy to invade Iran!

    Posted by W i l l i a m on 2005 12 06 at 10:01 AM • permalink

  2. Well, you know, Al Gore IS a clean-burning energy source.

    Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2005 12 06 at 10:27 AM • permalink

  3. From Al Gore’s “Earth in the Balance”:

    [I]t ought to be possible to establish a coordinated global program to accomplish the strategic goal of completely eliminating the internal combustion engine over, say, a twenty-five year period.

    It ought to be possible that the space mutant invasion will be stopped in its tracks by secret US satellites, too.

    Posted by Some0Seppo on 2005 12 06 at 10:41 AM • permalink

  4. coordinated global program ...

    And Al hits the Oxymoron Reef right there.

    Posted by Achillea on 2005 12 06 at 10:53 AM • permalink

  5. Hybrids ... let’s see if I grasp the concept.  I can reduce the amount of poopy-gases from my internally combusting car by plugging it into the wall socket.  Since electrical power occurs spontaneously in wall sockets, for free, my poop-gas emissions are NOT passed along to some coal-burning power plant in some other town, and Mama Gaia is pleased with me.  YAY!

    Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2005 12 06 at 10:57 AM • permalink

  6. From Al Gore’s “Earth in the Balance”:

    [I]t ought to be possible to establish a coordinated global program to accomplish the strategic goal of completely eliminating the internal combustion engine over, say, a twenty-five year period.

    Gore’s completely right, it definitely is possible to establish such a program.  It’ll fail miserably while wasting billions of dollars, but it’s possible...

    Posted by jic on 2005 12 06 at 11:08 AM • permalink

  7. And Mama Gaia really doesn’t mind having all that lead strip-mined from her quivering flesh for your hybrid’s batteries…

    Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 12 06 at 11:10 AM • permalink

  8. #2: Is methane really all that clean?

    Posted by paco on 2005 12 06 at 12:39 PM • permalink

  9. Hybrids ... let’s see if I grasp the concept.  I can reduce the amount of poopy-gases from my internally combusting car by plugging it into the wall socket. 

    Hybrids don’t plug into walls. The IC engine recharges the battery. However, your point holds with pure electric cars, which were the darling of the Free Lunch crowd before the hybrid.

    Posted by Dave S. on 2005 12 06 at 01:06 PM • permalink

  10. Also, I believe I read somewhere that there aren’t enough battery ingredients in the world to make all of the batteries if everyone had a hybrid.

    Posted by Dave S. on 2005 12 06 at 01:07 PM • permalink

  11. Hybrids don’t plug into walls.

    Another “D’OH!” moment, here at stately Stoop Manor.

    Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2005 12 06 at 01:08 PM • permalink

  12. Actually, I don’t think we have to worry about the space mutant invasion, since George W. Chimp has already decided to wage intergalactic war without permission from the U.N. or the Canadians.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2005 12 06 at 01:46 PM • permalink

  13. Jic: It is indeed possible.

    All it would require is a centralized Gaian government that had the power to force lesser peoples to conform wholesale to their sublime green edicts.

    Well that and a sack full of moon sapphires...

    Posted by monkeyfan on 2005 12 06 at 01:56 PM • permalink

  14. Tim: It’s true that manuals use less fuel when road tested by automative magazines and experienced test drivers, but do they use less when driven by your average idiot?

    Posted by Yobbo on 2005 12 06 at 03:01 PM • permalink

  15. Mr. Gore wants to eliminate the internal-combustion engine, eh?

    Then let’s go external combustion on him!

    Jet-powered cars for all!

    Posted by Rittenhouse on 2005 12 06 at 03:32 PM • permalink

  16. All it would require is a centralized Gaian government that had the power to force lesser peoples to conform wholesale to their sublime green edicts.

    Well that and a sack full of moon sapphires…

    Nah.  All it would require is:

    1)  A highly-paid committee who spend all their time flying around the world studying ways to reduce unnecessary fuel consumption.

    2)  Huge grants to the nephew of the committee chairman scientists who are duplicating work already being done in the private sector.

    3)  Billions of dollars to fund booze, drugs and whores.

    4)  The production of a 4,000 page report that basically says that the whole thing was a waste of time, but wouldn’t have been if the Americans hadn’t got in the way.

    Posted by jic on 2005 12 06 at 03:47 PM • permalink

  17. Hybrids don’t plug into walls.
    Another “D’OH!” moment, here at stately Stoop Manor.

    You weren’t wrong, just early.  And anyway, your basic point still holds:  The fuel still gets burned, just at another time.

    Posted by jic on 2005 12 06 at 03:51 PM • permalink

  18. My hybrid is wonderful.  Not only has it significantly lightened my gas budget, it’s sneeeky-like-ninja.

    Posted by Achillea on 2005 12 06 at 04:14 PM • permalink

  19. LOL!
    True.
    True.

    Actually, I was alluding to the likely end state of the reality-based community’s final solution to the people pollution internal combustion problem.

    Given AlGore’s “twenty-five year” timetable that is…

    Posted by monkeyfan on 2005 12 06 at 04:28 PM • permalink

  20. There’s little difference between standards and automatics now in regards to fuel consumption. On some cars, the automatic actually gets better mileage.

    The manual is on the way out. Clutchless paddle-shifting, baby. You manual fetishists will have to find another lever to stroke.

    BTW, I would think the average speed-demon would use more gas with a manual. Don’t you want to rev it high?

    Posted by Dave S. on 2005 12 06 at 04:29 PM • permalink

  21. Crap! There goes my damn emphasis quota for the month.

    Pimf, Pimf, double pimf!

    Posted by monkeyfan on 2005 12 06 at 04:31 PM • permalink

  22. Seems pretty obvious to me that there are models that predict that warming could stop the Gulf stream, by stopping the cold water deep south current side of the loop. Which would cause Western Europe to cool even though global temperatures would rise.

    And of course hotter oceans produce more tropical storms hence make the wet season wetter.

    And climate changes of that scale can easily plunge regions into frought making it dryer.

    Sure you can dispute the models and point out their flaws. But just declaring that people are idiots because they know a little about one of the simple climate models that gives unexpected outcomes for those naive enough to think that something like climate is as simple as “if the average global temperature rises, then it must be hotter everywhere all the time”.

    Seriously, these people are idiots worshiping at the altar of mother nature so why is there a need to make fun of probably the only statement they’ve ever uttered that actually does has some science behind it. Of course feel free to disagree with the science - it’s difficult to do an experiment on ocean currents in the lab, but that isn’t what was done.

    Posted by sam on 2005 12 06 at 05:41 PM • permalink

  23. Gentlemen!
    Start Your Mopeds!

    Posted by blogstrop on 2005 12 06 at 05:42 PM • permalink

  24. sam, there are also models that have no idea what is happening with the climate. take naomi campbell - she’s a clueless bint who wouldn’t know it was raining if she was standing in it

    Posted by larrikin on 2005 12 06 at 07:03 PM • permalink

  25. Sounds like the worst episode of Lost ever.

    Posted by dorkafork on 2005 12 06 at 10:15 PM • permalink

  26. “An added benefit: those unable to drive a manual car would be removed from our roads, thus reducing traffic levels.”

    A meritworthy idea, Tim.  I’ve always suspected that those who lack the coordination to use a manual gearshift may not be very good at other, more important, driving tasks, e.g. judging the speed of oncoming traffic,negotiating corners.  Could there be a correlation between “automatic-only” licences and accident rates?

    Besides, autos are for old people!

    Vroom vroom!

    Posted by slammer on 2005 12 06 at 10:27 PM • permalink

  27. Compulsory manual transmissions…this is Bob Brown, Back to the Future territory.  Well, to save further oil and reduce pollution, here’s another suggestion: bring back propeller-driven planes. Imagine, a three-day flight from Sydney to London. Life would be more leisurely and peaceful (apart from the grinding of gears, until everyone learns how to find Reverse).

    Posted by mr magoo on 2005 12 06 at 11:04 PM • permalink

  28. And the lovely thing is, Mr. Magoo, that high-bypass ratio fanjets almost are propeller engines, albeit propellers in snazzy sheathes. IIRC about 90% of the thrust produced by a commercial jet’s engines is from pressure on the turbine, not reaction from the jet…

    Posted by John Nowak on 2005 12 06 at 11:20 PM • permalink

  29. Tim, I saw your picture on the banner for your Bulletin column and I thought “I know that look…”

    Was it you or Saddam Hussein who first attempted to bring back the casually dignified pure white shirt no tie and suit jacket look? One of you deserves kudos. I can’t see if you also have the simple white pocket handkerchief that Saddam is sporting, but I’d adopt it if I was you.

    Saddam probably is not allowed to wear a tie out of fear of him using it to attempt self harm. Is it the the same for Bulletin staffers or is it just an “on trial for crimes against humanity”/“working for Fairfax” thing?

    Posted by James Hamilton on 2005 12 06 at 11:50 PM • permalink

  30. “Saddam probably is not allowed to wear a tie out of fear of him using it to attempt self harm.”

    The way he’s been acting I think rather they won’t let him wear a tie out of fear he’ll use it to harm one of his lawyers. I say give him a tie—maybe he can get rid of Ramsey Clark for us.

    Don’t say an old genocidal dictator can’t be good for something.

    Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 12 07 at 12:04 AM • permalink

  31. #28, Well John, going green is a feel-good, state-of-mind thing, like hugging trees. You haven’t achieved anything, and you may in fact have caused immense damage (eg Kyoto), but hey, you can go home to the lentils and tofu and basket-weaving, feeling really positive about yourself. No good deed ever goes unpunished, as they say.

    Posted by mr magoo on 2005 12 07 at 12:10 AM • permalink

  32. “I propose that automatic transmissions be banned, and that all cars so equipped be removed from the planet’s roads. The reason? Automatic cars use around 5% more fuel than their manual equivalents.

    My mandatory-manual law would, at a stroke, effect a far greater positive environmental change than any plastic bag campaigns or hybrid-buying ­frenzies now underway”

    Whiie I realise that you are ridiculing, for reasons best known to yourself, efforts to reduce CO2 this a not a serious suggestion.  Hybrids are more that 5% better.  The Prius especially in the city can be 20% better due to the motor being off when in stop-start traffic.  A plug in hybrid can get 100mpg or better equivalent mileage.  There is plenty of nickel and/or lithium for batteries.  Even a coal plant at 36% efficiency is better that a car at less than 15% so when you charge a PHEV from the grid you are still emitting less CO2.

    ” “Warming can mean colder” is the sort of comment that, if uttered by George W. Bush, would set the internet ablaze with white-hot ridicule. Coming from a Greenpeace rep, however, it’s understood to make sense somehow.”

    This just shows that you do not understand the problem.  Global warming could produce many different effects of climate change.  No-one knows what these will be.  One of the possible ones is a weakening of the Atlantic current that warms Northern Europe.  If this does weaken, as it appears to be doing, this region could cool.  That does not mean that other regions are not going to get warmer.  Also the average temperature could still rise as other areas warm.

    Posted by Ender on 2005 12 07 at 12:12 AM • permalink

  33. I started to write a serious rebuttal to Ender’s post, but then I realized it’s much more hilarious to just let stand his ultra-serious treatise on those couple of funny throwaway lines of Tim’s. Self-fisking at its finest.

    Posted by PW on 2005 12 07 at 12:20 AM • permalink

  34. Manual transmissions rule, baby! 

    If you can’t stir it, don’t drive it…

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 12 07 at 01:03 AM • permalink

  35. How tough can a manual transmission be?  Bikers shift them with their feet, fer crying out loud…

    ...granted, looks funnier’n shit in a Camaro…

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 12 07 at 01:05 AM • permalink

  36. PW- Fair enough - seems Tim says a lot of throw-away lines.

    Posted by Ender on 2005 12 07 at 01:59 AM • permalink

  37. global warming could cause global cooling. obviously

    Posted by larrikin on 2005 12 07 at 02:20 AM • permalink

  38. #6, jic,

    Yes, they could definitely create a program for that purpose. As to ever being able to get rid of the internal combustion engine, no way. But the program, absolutely.

    Posted by ekw on 2005 12 07 at 03:44 AM • permalink

  39. Sounds good to me . . . I currently drive a Ford Territory, which only comes with an automatic. But give me a couple more years, my wife takes over the Territory, and we trade her Vectra (manual, V6 engine) for what i really want - a Falcon XR-6 Turbo with 6-speed manual.

    Posted by Oafish and Infantile on 2005 12 07 at 07:29 AM • permalink

  40. #30 lol Andrea.

    Posted by crash on 2005 12 07 at 09:08 AM • permalink

  41. Until swampie spokesdorks gift us with data that isn’t crammed into a climatological soda straw and wrapped in frilly pink marxist fever dreams, I’ll oppose crypto-totalitarian power grabs like Kyoto.

    Posted by monkeyfan on 2005 12 07 at 02:15 PM • permalink

  42. 24 Larrikin

    take naomi campbell

    DEAL!  DIBS!  Where do I go to pick her up?  And is it okay if I show up driving an automatic?

    Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2005 12 07 at 03:39 PM • permalink

  43. PW- Fair enough - seems Tim says a lot of throw-away lines

    .

    Yes, well, Ender, Tim’s comments are deliberately throw away—this is known as “humor” outside of the Collective™. 

    Yours are not deliberately throw away…demonstrating that (so to speak) opening one’s mouth merely to change feet is a poor way to argue logicly.

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 12 07 at 07:49 PM • permalink

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