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COLUMN PERPLEXES CONSUMERS
This week’s Continuing Crisis column for The Bulletin challenges you to sort genuine ridiculous products from fake ridiculous products. Answers to follow ...
UPDATE. Answers here. Prepare to be shocked!
I’m putting down the following as fake:
3, 11, 16, 17, 20, 25, 26
You must have been really bored on the flight, Tim, if you were reading the Sky Mall catalog. Been there, done that.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 11 29 at 10:28 PM • permalinkslammer — my last date. By the sixth beer, she looked eighteen.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 11 29 at 11:04 PM • permalink4, 10, 11, 12, 17 aren’t real.
I’m thinking anything for a pet or to facilitate laziness is real, no matter how silly.
Posted by tim maguire on 2005 11 29 at 11:34 PM • permalinkslammer, I may have gotten that one wrong, but I recall seeing ads for similar products. That doesn’t mean it’s not a scam, though.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 11 29 at 11:37 PM • permalinkSo, the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalogue isn’t the craziest catalogue with the most useless items in it ever.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 11 29 at 11:40 PM • permalinkSlightly off-topic - US comics advertised X-Ray Spectacles when I was a boy. (Perhaps they still do.) Can anyone vouch for their effectiveness or otherwise? Working on a university campus…oh, just forget I ever mentioned it.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2005 11 30 at 12:06 AM • permalinkHow can a catalogue of ridiculous products fail to include a plastic turkey? Where’s the justice?
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 11 30 at 12:10 AM • permalinkAndrea, as I recall, that Sky Mall catalog includes the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog. But there are other “stores” in the publication that are equally pathetic, if not more so.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 11 30 at 12:14 AM • permalinkSwinish Capitalist: They worked fine when I was ten. By eleven, I knew better. But if you want a flashback to those happier time…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 11 30 at 12:38 AM • permalink#18 - Thank you Richard, much obliged.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2005 11 30 at 02:48 AM • permalinkI will not be rushing out to buy any of the real/fake products listed - apart from no. 22, which actually sounds quite cool. It would be a fine decoration for any bachelor pad, and one could make up stories about how Grandpa souvenired it at the end of the Great War (after shooting down a few dozen filthy Huns).
I’m almost tempted ... except I shudder to think how much it would cost to ship something of that size and weight across to Oz.
Posted by Lionel Mandrake on 2005 11 30 at 03:29 AM • permalinko/tAddressing the Iraqipolitical abduction (no ransome demand) Woman in Black Kostikidis on sbs tonite..“the kidnapped four blame the U.S…” and “despite the hostage crisis the U.S. will not withdraw its troops”.The german female archaeologist however did not.
If that is the reason for abductions,bombings etc why then has the Bangladeshi Legal System been attacked by hard line Islamic suicide bombers,killing ten people.Bangladesh is a Muslim state is it not?Sbs news again the PRESIDENTIAL Nascar conspiracy
weapon for recruiting in U.S.
Also “a report on the Beslan massacre BLAMES the Government for its failure to prevent it-and its INEPT rescue resulting in the deaths of 300 people many of them children…
Yeah Mary yeah…the Government which DIDN’T take the hostages,DIDN’T imprison them in shocking conditions,DIDN’T set up a network of bombs and triggers in the rooms,DIDN’T SET OFF THE EXPLOSIONS,DIDN’T SHOOT HOSTAGES IN THE BACK as they fled and DID attempt to rescue them from the horrific conditions they were held captive in——many troops risking their lives to save the kids-the people who WERE NOT TERRORISTS were to BLAME.O—KAY SBS…OK, actual official answers:
1. The Pet Staircase. Genuine.
2. Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker. Genuine.
3. Football Helmet Cake Mould. FAKE!
4. The Fish Finder Watch. Genuine.
5. Cyclone Washmate. Genuine.
6. Pet Pedometer. FAKE!
7. Rear-View Spy Glasses. Genuine.
8. Scooter Bubble. FAKE!
9. Deep Dish Dog Nest. Genuine.
10. Brightfeet Headlight Slippers. Genuine.
11. Bird of Prey Lawn Feeder. FAKE!
12. Alcohol Aging Accelerator. Genuine.
13. Yoga Paws. Genuine.
14. Night Terror Recorder. FAKE!
15. Sea Vegg. Genuine.
16. Downshift Toilet Flusher. Genuine.
17. Endangered Species Autoguide. FAKE!
18. Basho, the Sumo Wrestler Sculpture. Genuine.
19. Wild Animal Sounds Wall Clock. Genuine.
20. King Kong Wall Scrubber. FAKE!
21. Snow Dye. FAKE!
22. Sopwith Propellor. Genuine.
23. The Deck Buggy. FAKE!
24. Portable Backyard Ice Rink. Genuine.
25. Humunga Tongue. Genuine (yes, really)
26. Cold Sore Eliminator. Genuine.
27. My Pet Poltergeist. FAKE!
I think you should market the Snow Dye and Pet Poltergeist ideas. Some people might buy them.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 11 30 at 09:08 AM • permalinkNo wall scrubber, but Sharper Image has a wall climber. And it’s the official vehicle of the VRWC.
Posted by Some0Seppo on 2005 11 30 at 10:20 AM • permalink<hogan>
You call that a ridiculous product? That’s not a ridiculous product.
This is a ridiculous product.
</hogan>
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 11 30 at 10:29 AM • permalinkNote: my link above could be considered mildly NSFW.
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 11 30 at 10:37 AM • permalinkI hit 4 right. Just goes to show how boring that catalog really is, I suppose.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 11 30 at 11:47 AM • permalinkI know an artist (glassmaker, actually) who actually does fill quart-sized spray bottles with food coloring and spray-paints pictures on the snow in his front yard in the winter. He paints pictures of birds and tropical islands with palm trees. He says it drives the neighbors crazy, but if they complain, he sneaks over and does their yards at night.
The football helmet cake mold was fake?
Well, damn. There goes my idea for the Super Bowl party.
Posted by Tatterdemalian on 2005 11 30 at 02:04 PM • permalink#43 I’ve also been wondering…
Regarding the Cyclone Washmate, a mate used to live in the bush along 5 kms of rough track. His invention was similiar to the Washmate. Place 40 litre plastic drum on back of the ute, fill with dirty clothes, water and powder, screw on lid. Drive to town, do the shopping, drive home and hang out heavily agitated and washed clothes !
#34 - related ridiculous sex product. Back in the seventies the Kings Cross Whisperer used to advertise the Auto-Suck. Namely a vibrating latex condom attached to a 12V cord which plugged into one’s cigarette lighter. From memory the speil went, For those intimate moments in traffic jams. Swear to God.
Is that what crash is doing? I thought his keyboard was having a seizure.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 11 30 at 05:16 PM • permalinkI was about to say—looks like we need another crash thread, Tim!
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 11 30 at 05:17 PM • permalinkI have seen no. 8, the all over scooter cover with windscreen for sale in northern China. It was basically a large hooded poncho that extended over the front of the scooter with a clear panel for the headlight. You still had to wear a helmet and visor for eye protection, though. I was going to buy one for the wife for use on her Harley, but thought I may not survive the gift! (Don’t know why, bikies call them scoots!)
You had a whole list of scam products, fake and genuine, and didn’t include Murray Hill’s Gnome Homes? Where’s your blogospheric professional courtesy?
Posted by Michael Lonie on 2005 11 30 at 06:27 PM • permalinkAs for Number Five, I refer you to this little item and invite you to donate via this site which also has links to non-American coalition forces.
“Call Murray Hill 6-5000! That’s Murray Hill 6-5000!”
That was practically the mantra of cheezy local TV commercials in NYC during my impetchus yoot. So those guys are still around…?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 11 30 at 08:48 PM • permalinkwho the fuck eats cake while watching football?
William (The Refrigerator) Perry.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 11 30 at 10:56 PM • permalinkI think you should market the Snow Dye
Bah! Why would I buy it when I can make my own? All I need is some beer and a few hours to process it.
I am reminded of the time some friends and I went to Perisher Valley. The snow was non-existent save for just enough manmade stuff to cover front-valley and let the kids make snowmen.
Deceptively, the snowcam was pointed right at the white-patch and if you didn’t understand the snow report, you could be fooled into thinking there was more snow than reality, by looking at the picture.
We got some red-cordial syrup, mixed up half a dozen jerrycans of it and ‘painted’ the message “this snow is fucked” under the supervision and guidance of our internet watching controller. Rapidly deployed snowmakers destroyed our hard work before we ever captured the image for posterity.
Caz has found another brilliant product.
Is there no end to human ingenuity?
Posted by Evil Pundit on 2005 12 01 at 08:17 AM • permalinkNo tin foil hats for plastic turkeys? I’m shocked.
Posted by Jim Geones on 2005 12 01 at 10:42 AM • permalinkIf it was a beer keg in the shape of William (The refrigerator) Perry, I’d buy that.
Beer kegs already come in the shape of William Perry. Not quite the size, but pretty damn nearly the shape.
Posted by Stoop Davy Dave on 2005 12 01 at 03:32 PM • permalink
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So that’s how you get to spend a week on the piss in the US and still produce a column. You’re a genius Blair.