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BORN TO WALK
Bruce Springsteen, now environmentally-aware, re-writes his old hits …
She’s a hot-stepping Hemi with a four on the floor
She’s a Roadrunner engine in a ‘32 Ford
Late at night when I’m dead on the line
I swear I think of your pretty face when I let her unwind
New improved Green Bruce:
She’s a slow-moving hatchback with continuously-variable transmission
She’s a gas-electric hybrid producing zero emissions!
Late at night, battery power’s restored
I swear I think of your pretty face when I plug in the cord
In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway 9,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected
and steppin’ out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
It’s a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
We gotta get out while we’re young
‘Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
New improved Green Bruce:
In the day we sweat it out in the streets ‘cos climate change is melting the ice
At night we ride to Greenpeace fundraisers in a bio-fuel mass-transit device
Sprung from depots out on highway 9,
Hemp-wheeled, full of hippies
and toein’ the envirofreak line
Moby this town rips the cress from your salad
It’s a crap song, it’s an unlistenable ballad
We gotta get loud now we’re old
‘Cause gramps like us, baby we were born to scold
Well, I had the carburetor, baby, cleaned and checked
With her line blown out she’s hummin’ like a turbojet
Propped her up in the backyard on concrete blocks
For a new clutch plate and a new set of shocks
Took her down to the carwash, check the plugs and point
Well, I’m goin’ out tonight. I’m gonna rock that joint
New improved Green Bruce:
Well, I had the carburetor, baby, thrown away
With her engine gone she’s harmless as a sack of hay
Propped her up in the backyard on fly-ash blocks
Removed the new clutch plate and the whole set of shocks
Took her down to the End-of-Life Vehicle Management Zone
I’m stayin’ home to read Kyoto Protocols
UPDATE. Mr. Bingley has gone Boss-wild in comments! “Sometimes it’s like someone took their Hummer, its engine throaty with brawn/And spent an hour doing donuts in the middle of my lawn ...”
Old Bruce I’m On Fire
New Green Bruce:
Hey little girl, is your daddy home?
Will you please put down that damn cell phone
ooh-ooh
And pull back that curtain
ooh-ooh-ooh
Damn HalliburtonTell me now baby, don’t you think it’s alarmin’
How celebrities contribute to Global Warmin’
ooh-ooh
With our greenhouse gasses
ooh-ooh-ooh
Pompous assesSometimes it’s like someone took their Hummer, its engine throaty with brawn,
And spent an hour doing donuts in the middle of my lawnAt night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
Pursued in my dreams by a Swift Boat Vet
ooh-ooh
And when we tour he won’t come see us
ooh-ooh-ooh
Can’t get laid in a Prius...Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 01:49 PM • permalinkDoes thisd mean that Exxon sign shouldn’t have given Jungleland light?
Posted by chinesearithmetic on 2005 04 13 at 02:09 PM • permalinkHey, Tim and Andrea. Can you sing? There’s a tour waiting for you, assuming Mr. Bingley signs the release.
Posted by Gary from Jersey on 2005 04 13 at 02:53 PM • permalinkOld Bruce: Glory Days
New Green Bruce:
I had a friend named Ronnie Raygun
Back in the 80s
While Sagan worried ‘bout the Nuclear Winter
Ol’ Ronnie feared a nuclear freeze
Saw him the other night at the tiki bar
He was singin’ a sad sad song yeah
About lost ozone and El Ninos
Cryin’ “where have all the glaciers gone?"Rising tides
They’ll sweep you away
Rising tides
Whether you speak Dutch or Malay
Rising tides, rising ti-i-idesPosted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 03:22 PM • permalinkNew Bruce:
Well there she sits buddy justa gleaming in the sum
There to greet a greenie when the protest’s done
The rest of the family walks, hope it ain’t far
Wish I could fit them in my ‘lectric carShort and squat, barely fits a man
Kinda like riding in a sardine can
Well buddy when I die throw my body on a fire
And generate some juice to fuel my ‘lectric car‘Lectric car, ‘lectric car
Short and squat, ugly as a scar
Those people stuck behind are flippin’ me the bird
‘Cause I’m creepin’ up the highway like a big old turtle herdJames Dean in that Mercury ‘49
Junior Johnson runnin’ thru the woods of Caroline
Even Burt Reynolds in that black Trans-Am
Ed Begley’s gonna send’em to a green education camp‘Lectric car, ‘lectric car
Without an extension cord it won’t go far
When I take a hill that little motor whines
Maybe I can convert to run on turpentineI used to get the girls like every other punk
Taking advantage after getting’ them drunk
Now there’s no more point cruisin’ at the bars
There ain’t no backseat in my ‘lectric car‘Lectric car, ‘lectric car
Like trying to drive in a mason jar
Maybe I’ll get my mojo back
By trading it in on a CadillacPosted by Ken Summers on 2005 04 13 at 03:35 PM • permalinkOld Bruce: Brilliant Disguise
Green Bruce:
Bill and Al sent teams to Kyoto
We thought they had the fix on
But in the Senate Chambers
Our guys oh baby they ran from Exxon
Oh sure our data’s confusing
I’ll grant some of our theories are sketchy
But we’ve PhDs goddammit!
We’re smart, you’re morons,
So stop your kvetching.
Oh Al you didn’t work
To turn the “nays” into “ayes”
And now there’s no treaty
Just a Kyoto surpriseTonight my tofu is cold
It’s illegal to fire up my stove
God have mercy on the man
Who crosses Karl Rove...Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 06:07 PM • permalinkSlightly off topic:
do any of you american guys know how to “bore out” a low flow showerhead? I had my first “low flow” experience this morning and am very very unhappy.
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 06:33 PM • permalinkbasicall i want a 69 chevy with a 396 fuelie heads and a hurst on the floor kind of showerhead
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 06:36 PM • permalinkBattlestar: reach up, firmly grasp low-flow showerhead, twist to the left until it comes loose. Then go to the hardware store, buy a normal showerhead, and return to your bathroom. Remove normal showerhead from packaging and attach to pipe. (This is of course assuming that you are allowed to purchase normal showerheads in your country of origin.)
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 04 13 at 06:39 PM • permalinkYou could also check if your water pressure is normal or set too low.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 04 13 at 06:40 PM • permalinkYou could also bore it out by reading to it Andrea Dworkin books…
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 06:41 PM • permalinkAndrea
My ‘47 model showerhead cracked it mid shower this morn so I went to the evil capitalist hardware store that was open and 6am to find they only now come in low flow in Sydney.
Mr Bingley
You are truely “on fire” this morn.Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 06:45 PM • permalinkfidens, thanks! i used ‘protocols’ here, but not, i will admit, as part of the rhyme scheme. a few other possibilities do come to mind, however…
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 06:47 PM • permalinkGreat job, Mr. Bingley. And since my own rhyming skillz aren’t mad at all (they’re not even upset), I will instead draw some ASCII art of you on your first virtual tour:
___________________
|| Mr. Bingley ||
|| L I V E ||
|| ||
|| _ _o, _ ||
|| |O| | |O| ||
||_|o|_______|o|_||
||\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/||
||\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/||
||\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/||
||\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/||
</pre>BattlestarGallactica:
Look in the threaded end of the showerhead, where it screws onto the shower neck coming out of the wall; there should be both: a washer that fits around the inside edge of the flange; and a plastic disk with a small hole in the middle. The plastic disk is your restrictor, and should just pull out with a dental pick (those things have a thousand uses and everybody should have one) or a bent finishing nail. Sometimes the washer comes out first, but make sure to put it back before putting the showerhead back. Best to test it by turning on the water with the curtain or door closed and you not in clothes you would mind getting wet. Good luck!
THANK YOU Rob C
I’ll see if I can post pictures tommorrow morn
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 07:18 PM • permalinkI LOVE Springsteen but simply must redeem myself for the off topic transgression – plus I cant resist
Well Kyoto turned out the gas
and I packed up all my tools
I get more than 3 miles per gallon baby
but I feel like such a fool
Tonight I hear the alternative green theatre drummer sound
I wonder if I still have a heart
and is it aloud to poundWell we made a promise that we forgot to remember
No retreat baby no surrender
Like soldiers in the greenies’ sights who aren’t allowed to defend
well retreat baby we’ll surrenderWhen our young faces grow sad and old and hearts of fire grow cold
We’ll swore blood brothers against the wind
I’m ready to grow young again
And hear Dworkins voice calling us home across the open yards
Well you aint got no place of our own
With those videos and your pink guitarOld brothers in the stormy night with nothing to defend
well retreat baby we’ll surrenderNow on the street tonight the lights grow dim
The Kyoto Protocols are closing in
There’s a war outside still raging
you say it ain’t ours anymore to win
I wish I’d sleep beneath peaceful skies in my lover’s bed
with a wide open country in my eyes
and those romantic dreams in my headPosted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 07:53 PM • permalinkGreen:
I used to be a big Chrysler fan
No car of mine would ever be from Japan
But in the 80s my Cordoba was shit
I used to fear I’d never get rid of itRuns on ethanol
My car runs on ethanol
Winters it will sputter and stall
But chicks dig my new ProtocolJimmy Carter’s malaise brought an embargo
While Lileks played in his yard up in Fargo
It took twenty years to create Kyoto
And so I went out and bought a ToyotoRuns on ethanol
My car runs on ethanol
Winters it will sputter and stall
But chicks dig my new ProtocolTried to get a job at the refinery
Hiring man said “son, we’re CFC-free”
I said “man, I will work on commission”
He said “sorry, that went out the door with fission"Runs on ethanol
My car runs on ethanol
Winters it will sputter and stall
But chicks dig my new ProtocolPosted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 08:20 PM • permalinknicely done battlestar!
i’m from and currently live in nj, so at least that’s my excuse…
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 08:23 PM • permalink"Like soldiers in the greenies’ sights who aren’t allowed to defend
well retreat baby we’ll surrender”that’s beautiful
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 08:24 PM • permalinkThanks MB
My excuse is that I saw Bruces Boxed set for $9.99 on sale (at a department store in suburban Sydney)
and convinced my old man to buy it on the grounds that it worked out to be only 23cents per song or some such.
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 08:27 PM • permalinkDon’t forget that Mellencamp has also moved to the darkside calling for a Kerry win. I was going to muck around with “Rain on the Scarecrow” but being a farmer my heart just wasn’t in it.
I think his grandpa would have felt betrayed not to mention all those other farmers that Mellencamp used to sing about.
Still a fan but wounded.this cracked me up
Sometimes it’s like someone took their Hummer, its engine throaty with brawn,
And spent an hour doing donuts in the middle of my lawnPosted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 08:29 PM • permalink’Cuz tramps like us,
Baby we can take the bus…Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 04 13 at 08:58 PM • permalinkLet us know how the shower works, Battlestar! I actually prefer the low-flow showerhead as it conserves hot water, and doesn’t make my fragile girly skin all hurty. The drawbacks are the “massage” setting on the shower head just sort of feels like a faucet turned all the way on. In fact, not so much.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 04 13 at 09:26 PM • permalinkyoungy:
I was a farmer when Cougar stopped being Cougar and just became Mellancamp. I went to the farm aid concerts and was “involved” in the farm movement...that was about as big a joke as the anti war movement.
Those farmers would by and large disown him. He is from Seymour In, a small town not far from where I live. There was only one blue county in Indiana and it was not Seymour.
yes battlestar, let us know if your efforts are successful. But i’m not sure we need photos…
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 09:30 PM • permalinkWill do Boss
The Greenies have gone so wild in my Council that i’m thinking of striking back with verison of “American Chopper”—showing people how to “mod” their houses to get around stupid greeny regulations.
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 09:31 PM • permalinkHighways jammed with broken Prius
When the last transformer fried!
Mileage don’t mean a thing
When the battery has died!
Oil still makes the outlets work, but hey, don’t raise a fuss.
‘cuz tramps like us,
baby we can take the bus!Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 04 13 at 09:39 PM • permalinkThe funny thing is you dont actually have to touch the lyrics to “Dancing in the Dark" to make it green.
Maybe the boss has been a closet green all along but just couldn’t buy a Prius in 1984
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 13 at 09:52 PM • permalinkThanks terryelee, I used to wonder about those farm aid concerts. Farming is bloody tough when the prices aren’t right but I do think that free trade should help (hopefully) our two coutries get the balance right. If only the EU would play ball.
It’s like out here when Paul Kelly, a singer/songwriter who sung about ordinary Australians, went all lefty and disowned many of his fan base. Still love his music though.what’s the plural of “prius”?
Priii?
Priae?
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 10:03 PM • permalinkwhat’s the plural of “prius�?
Priapic.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2005 04 13 at 10:18 PM • permalinkPW — I believe it’s pronounced “pree-yiiiiiiii” with at least one sinus blocked.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 04 13 at 10:48 PM • permalinkThe tone on this blog has gone down recently (just look at this thread) ... I’m heading over to Paul & Carl for some relief.
Good day.and it rhymes with “sooo-eeeeeee!!!!!!” from Deliverance
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 13 at 10:50 PM • permalinkGosh. The tone here isn’t high enough for Master Stevo. Or else all this mockery of the Groaner from Jersey has depressed him. It’s so hard to tell and frankly I don’t care.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 04 13 at 11:32 PM • permalinkPW — Now that I think on it, you seldom see more than one Prius at a time. The owners don’t like to run together since it kills the illusion they’re special.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 04 13 at 11:45 PM • permalinkAndrea — Laughter is to lefties like water is to the Wicked Witch of the West…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 04 13 at 11:46 PM • permalinkWe were doing fine till somebody had to go and mention John Bougar Mellonhead.
Posted by Ken Summers on 2005 04 14 at 12:21 AM • permalinkIn these desperate times, Bruce is no longer Working On The Highway, he’s Working On Kyoto.
Planet’s getting hotter, least that’s what I think
Blame those IC engines, spewing out their stink
Yeah, planet-raping bastards, driving SUVs
They’re choking Mother Gaia, wasting energyMy stats degree will land me some big juicy grants
I’ll prove the planet’s warming, even if the info’s scant
Ice-core figures ,tree-ring records, parse them dirty-quick
Soon I’ve got them looking like a crazy curvy hockey stickWorking on Kyoto, piling up the bullshit
Working on Kyoto, numbers I will make fit
Working on Kyoto, data I must omit
Working on Kyoto, working on Kyoto
(OK, some of the lines are off syllable-wise, you try making sense of The Boss’ structure)
Posted by Crispytoast on 2005 04 14 at 01:50 AM • permalinkTerryelee — No freestyle unless you can rhyme “effulgent.”
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 04 14 at 02:35 AM • permalink"The Buses of Philadelphia”
I queued, didn’t matter,
Couldn’t tell what I felt,
So hot I thought my ass would melt,
Gave a buck to the driver,
Tried to find my own place.
Oh brother, gonna leave me wastin´ away
On the buses of Philadelphia?I sat down the back by a guy with BO,
My Chevy Trailblazer vanished and gone.
Thought of days at the wheel, a rush in the veins,
Of gunning that guzzler, smashed out of my brain.On the streets of Philadelphia.
Ain’t no Barrichello gonna greet me,
It’s just you and I my friend
And my clothes now fit me once more,
I’ve jogged a thousand miles
But I’d rather pretendThat the night has fallen and I’m back in my crate,
But I’m here next to smelly on the 808,
So receive me brother environmentalists
Or will we leave each other alone like this
On the buses of Philadelphia?Mr. Bingley, you’re the Boss.
David, the ASCII tribute brings a tear to my eye!
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 04 14 at 09:07 AM • permalink
Some liberal monotone all alone Rolling Stone
Doctor from the East
Says’s turn down the microphone, I’ll shout it out all alone
It’s what they’ll expect the least.Yeeaargh.
Blinded by the right, dressed up like a douch another metrosexual in the night.
Yeah, Ok, so I’m no Bingley.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2005 04 14 at 11:52 AM • permalinkExcellent, excellent post and comments.
Does this mean that Bruce will stop using the Chevy Suburban to take the wife, kids, and all their pool and beach crap to the beach club? Yeah, I believe it when I see it…
Posted by rollobollo on 2005 04 14 at 01:00 PM • permalinkJoe bagadonuts
I tried and tried to do something with “blinded by the light” its very hard - I think you’ve done well
Andrea
Before I got home Bride of Battlestar had already unscrewed the showerhead, flipped out the circlip with her nailfile and taken the greenie low-flow restrictor out. Altogether much to “nuanced” for my liking. I really wanted to use a power tool to bore that sucker out.
Had a super shower this morn anyway.
Cheers
Posted by knuckleheadwatch on 2005 04 14 at 06:42 PM • permalink
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I hope Christopher Guest reads this blog like Bruce reads Krugman and Dowd.
Whore for the M S M
Whore for the M S M
Whore for the M S M
I’m a dog running lackey of the M S M