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BIG AUSTRALIAN

News Ltd headline:


Japan to kill Australian whales

Australian whales? How do they know? Do these creatures have accents (”G’daaaaaaaaaay maaaaaaaaaaaaaaate”)? Are they unusually skilled sportswhales? Do they form coalitions with like-minded species and liberate Gulf-area seabeasts?

UPDATE. A Sky News poll asks if Australia should respond to the assault on OzWhales with diplomacy, force, boycotts, or nothing; latest results (shown on TV) were running at 75% in favour of force.

(Via Quentin George)

Posted by Tim B. on 05/14/2005 at 10:23 AM
  1. Shows who watches the Sky News wankfest doesn’t it. Yes, lets go declare war on Japan as they try to prevent the making of anymore Free Willy films.

    Posted by Aging Gamer on 2005 05 14 at 11:59 AM • permalink

  2. Dude, they’re coming for your fat chicks.

    Posted by Veeshir on 2005 05 14 at 01:32 PM • permalink

  3. Blood for oil? Nah.

    Blood for baleen? War to the knife, and the knife to the hilt!

    Posted by Vasco on 2005 05 14 at 02:22 PM • permalink

  4. Too bad, that’s what those friggin’ neocon cetaceans get for supporting Bush and Howard.

    SMG

    Posted by SMGalbraith on 2005 05 14 at 02:24 PM • permalink

  5. Okaaay then.  Murderous dictators awash in the blood of their own (and lots of other) people - force is never the answer!  Whales are being killed - well, force is the answer of course, when the animal kingdom is endangered, cos...cos...cos..insert inane PETA sentiment here.

    Did any Australian opinion poll ever reach 75% in favor of the Iraq war?  I know a lot of Ozzies were supportive, but 75%?

    Posted by Holly on 2005 05 14 at 02:25 PM • permalink

  6. Obviously they can tell the OzWhales from other whales by the amount of sunscreen they have to put around their blowholes.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2005 05 14 at 02:41 PM • permalink

  7. personally, i put the blame on Dory and Marlin for talking whale-talk.

    /mindless banter

    Posted by fluke_boy on 2005 05 14 at 02:49 PM • permalink

  8. If we throw Michael Moore in the Pacific near Australia, would that make him Aussie enough to be hunted by the Japanese?

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 05 14 at 02:55 PM • permalink

  9. Okaaay then.  Murderous dictators awash in the blood of their own (and lots of other) people - force is never the answer!  Whales are being killed - well, force is the answer of course, when the animal kingdom is endangered, cos...cos...cos..insert inane PETA sentiment here.

    Well said.
    Basically the Japanese would be better of killing their kids for “scientific research” than the whales. Then the left would be outraged at any suggestion of force. There would be questions like “why not Nth Korea as well?” or suggestions that because we considered them an allie, its really our fault anyway so we let should let them continue. There would be strong arguments that force is never the answer and West Wing episodes that show us how a Democrat president would fix the problem by inviting Japanese leaders to Camp David, sitting them at the negotiating table and then telling them that “we are not going to eat until there is meaningful dialogue”.

    But of course we aren’t talking about people are we? we are talking whales and because it whales there’s no need for dialogue, no showing us how to do it through West Wing episodes,
    just good old fashioned “blow the f***kers out of the waters”
    (Actually I’m a little suspicious that this poll might in fact be a Karl Rove plant to discredit the anti-war people)

    Posted by Michael42 on 2005 05 14 at 03:22 PM • permalink

  10. Hey, if England and Iceland can have a cod war, why can’t Australia and Japan have a whale war?

    It may sound farcical, but in fact Japan has a long history of violating internationl fisheries accords and plundering other countries’ food stocks to begin with.

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 05 14 at 03:25 PM • permalink

  11. These whales need to be tagged and given electronic Australian citizenship.
    then any attack on them is an attack on Australian citizens and an act of war.
    Have the Japs really changed 70 years after Nanking?

    Posted by davo on 2005 05 14 at 03:26 PM • permalink

  12. "Oooh, KRILL!”

    Posted by Patrick Chester on 2005 05 14 at 03:53 PM • permalink

  13. The Real JeffS — One tsunami a decade is enough, please.

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 05 14 at 04:01 PM • permalink

  14. "Throw another plankton on the barbie! Oi! What this? I’ve got a bleedin’ harpoon stickin’ outta me!”

    Posted by JDB on 2005 05 14 at 04:42 PM • permalink

  15. I say we arm the whales.

    An armed Cetacean is a polite cetacean.

    Posted by Blue on 2005 05 14 at 05:19 PM • permalink

  16. They can tell they’re Australian because they’re the ones with the slouch hats.

    Posted by dorkafork on 2005 05 14 at 07:08 PM • permalink

  17. We don’t want to attack the Japanese, I think we did that, oh, sixty years ago.
    But how about selling arms to the cetaceans? or perhaps, at the same time as enhancing our skills at bionic implants, we equip whales with their very own harpoon?  Plus John Howard would get a plus score from the greenie groups*.
    Mount it just behind the blowhole. If the whales are going to take on the nipponese, lets make sure the battle is even.

    *No matter what, JWH would never get recognition from greenie groups.

    Posted by entropy on 2005 05 14 at 08:41 PM • permalink

  18. OTOH, it might give the southern right whales a tactical advantage over the blue whales in the krill fields next summer off antartica

    Posted by entropy on 2005 05 14 at 08:43 PM • permalink

  19. Australia may claim the waters off the ‘Australian Antartic Territory’ but under ‘international law’ (you know, that sacred cow of the left) our claim isn’t recognised. So if we took any action we would be violating ‘international law’.

    Don’t tell me the left want us to violate ‘international law’.

    Posted by Guardian_Angel on 2005 05 14 at 09:43 PM • permalink

  20. Actually, America makes a pretty fair harpoon if Free Willy wants to go packin’...

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 05 14 at 10:23 PM • permalink

  21. Yep a big fat juicey whale blubber steak, rare. I fell sick already.

    Posted by raider580 on 2005 05 14 at 11:37 PM • permalink

  22. I don’t know how to pick an Australian whale, but I am told that Right whales have thick skins, while Left whales show an excess of blubber… Or was it blubbering?

    Posted by blogstrop on 2005 05 15 at 12:09 AM • permalink

  23. I sure I saw an endangered one in Kim Jong-il’s swimming pool.

    Never saw Free Willy but I might catch the sequel, Free Pussy.

    Posted by Henry boy on 2005 05 15 at 12:42 AM • permalink

  24. Way way back in 1993 I went with my brand new wife to see a real tear jerker starring Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger (Shadowlands?).  As you do.
    Anyway, this was in sophisticated Manuka in Canberra, so you can imagine the well educated, yuppie clientele that would attend such a movie in such a location.
    So what do they show as a preview (trailer for you yanks)?  A movie that seemed to involve a large Orca and a little boy trying to rescue him.  You could guess the thoughts running through each mind in the crowd: “ Hmmm, looks like a kids movie - why show this before an adult chick flick?” Boredom prevailed.
    The preview neglected to inform us of the name of the movie in question until right at the end, when a breathless, heavy american accent said “Freeee Willy” as the whale exploded out of the water.
    The entire audience erupted in hysterical, but gleeful laughter.

    Posted by entropy on 2005 05 15 at 06:51 AM • permalink

  25. C’mon, richard, we can lower Michael Moore into the water slowly; that would result in a slow rise of the water.  Not a problem.

    And think of all the starving Japanese children he would feed!  Where’s your humanity, man?

    Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 05 15 at 08:13 AM • permalink

  26. The Real JeffS — But what about all those Melanesian islands that are already sinking we keep hearing about?

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 05 15 at 12:18 PM • permalink

  27. I agree with Richard...what about all those low-lying coastal areas that really can’t take a 2 foot rise in the sea level?

    Posted by PW on 2005 05 15 at 07:51 PM • permalink

  28. "I’ll call it ‘ground.’ Look, it’s coming to meet me. I wonder if it wants to be my friend?”

    Posted by Dave S. on 2005 05 15 at 08:51 PM • permalink

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