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BEN MUST BE CRUSHED
Watching the one-day match between Australia and England yesterday afternoon. Glenn McGrath bowling. England’s Kevin Pietersen is hit in the chest.
Immediately, senior Daily Telegraph guy Ben English - an excellent cricketer himself - said: “That’s a broken rib.” No way, says me. Shows how much I know:
Pietersen won’t play again this series because of a fractured rib, which he suffered when struck by a Glenn McGrath delivery late in England’s innings.
Ben will be gloating about this until about June, at least. Any reader suggestions for dealing with triumphalist fracture-expert cricketing co-workers (or any victorious co-workers, for that matter) are welcome.
You’re asking me? I have lots of University of Florida friends and associates I have to put up with.
Word of advice. Put away all clothing and knick knacks that have any references to cricket. If you don’t any room, I’ll let you stick it in my closet with the Ohio State Buckeye
precious momentosjunk.Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 12 at 10:04 AM • permalinkNever mind triumphalist fracture-experts - how about triumphalist fracture bowlers with dodgy haircuts? McGrath will have a grin a mile wide after fracturing someone’s ribs in his last year. I doubt he’s bowled a ball over 140k this century!
Tip: no-one will be dancing down the pitch to Glenn again.
McGrath is a wuss. Manly Jamaican bowlers aim for the head.
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 01 12 at 11:12 AM • permalinkFans smuggle alcohol into the cricket! Horror!
Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 01 12 at 11:46 AM • permalinkCan you promote him to be the Lakemba correspondent?
Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 01 12 at 12:39 PM • permalinkThere’s the old “taping a dead fish to the bottom of his desk” trick. But that one tends to travel, so it depends on how close in proximity you are.
An alternative is to spritz his desk chair with a powerful perfume and let him explain the scent on his clothes to his wife.
Yes, I have a cruel turn of mind. Why do you ask?
So, the guy got hit in the chest with a bowling ball and only suffered one fractured rib? Should consider himself lucky, I say.
Tim: I’d suggest you start spreading rumours of Ben’s involuntary departure. Ask him some questions, like, “Will you be taking that lamp with you?”, and, “What does it feel like to be starting over at your age?”; and make suggestive comments, such as, “Hey, short-timer!”, and, “You know, Ben, I’m going to miss your uncanny ability to accurately diagnose sports-related injuries.”
Wronwright, when you’re rummaging around in your closet maybe you could look for the Ohio State defense. They went missing some time in December and no one has seem them since.
Posted by David Crawford on 2007 01 12 at 01:55 PM • permalinkIs it just me, or is there something just a bit obnoxious about Kevin Pietersen? Trying to be smug and cocky like his mate Warney but Warney has a Steve Irwinish, choirboy charm that lets him get away with just about anything. KP just comes across like a complete twat.
I reckon the jibe Buchanan levelled about him not being a team man might be a bit close to the bone. He looked surly in the last 2 tests.
Posted by Effing & Blinding on 2007 01 12 at 02:05 PM • permalinkTell him you were basing your guess on how hard a hit you could take without getting a fracture.
I believe Diggs has “hit” on an excellent strategy.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 01 12 at 02:12 PM • permalinkAny reader suggestions for dealing with triumphalist fracture-expert cricketing co-workers (or any victorious co-workers, for that matter) are welcome.
One word: Artillery.
Posted by Major John on 2007 01 12 at 02:52 PM • permalinkI make up names. For example, the work colleague who creates about 90% of the problems all by herself is known around the office as the Princess Of Panic.
Kindergartenish, I admit. But also perversely satisfying.Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 01 12 at 03:52 PM • permalinkDoes this woman count as a ‘victorious co-worker’? Insofar as she’s been making the day’s work more difficult for the people around her for years, and appears likely to continue doing so, yes.
Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 01 12 at 03:55 PM • permalinkJust show him the calculations in this thread, and explain that one must never argue with Science. Just ask Algore.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 01 12 at 04:00 PM • permalinkif it’s this ben english it’s probably wisest just to acknowledge he knows all there is to know about what happens when people get hit by balls
Posted by eeniemeenie on 2007 01 12 at 06:22 PM • permalink#29 The average major league fastball is right around 90 mph
Jeff Thomson was clocked at 99.7 mph and Shoaib Akhtar over 100. I wonder how fast the baseball major leaguers can bowl rather than pitch.
As for revenge on clever dick co-workers, I favour either spraying their chair with fish oil or, if they fail to lock their car, stuffing the internal air vents with the confetti-like chads from a hole punch and turning the fan speed to high. They turn the key and - boom!
Nora, however, reports on one she saw in a newsroom - a large gift-wrapped box waiting on the person’s desk. Only when they lifted it up, it was full of styrofoam beads - and had no bottom on the box.
-- Nick
Posted by The Thin Man Returns on 2007 01 12 at 06:36 PM • permalink# 5 The West Indian crowds had a calypso, a kind of singing commentary on current events, that ran along the lines
“Bowl Lindwall bowl,
Dont be afraid,
Dem dat can’t bat,
break der shoulderblade”On the topic of Mr English, most unfortunate accidents can happen if you have the necessary contacts. Like falling out of the office window. A couple of people of no particular appearance turn up in overalls to fix the lights.
#37 THAT Ben English? Problem dealt with thanks to eenie.
Some classic movie titles there.
SADA (Stupid Acronym Denoting Amusement)
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 01 12 at 06:50 PM • permalinkHindus to the rescue
According to the Hindu Times, Pietersen suffered a rib fracture in December 2005. That fracture was a result of previous problems and consequent weakness.
In other words, his ribs were weak and would break after a mere taunting, much less a fast bowl.
Howzat?
#40 paulris
I see you are struggling with the fundamentals of the game. It is my pleasure to help cast some light on the subject for you. Now you must follow this carefully.The Rules of Cricket
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
There, I hope that helped.
It seems Ben English is very knowledgeable about Cricket. Some Googling let me to this post:
You have overlooked the greatest modern day sledge of all _ again involving Glenn McGrath.
McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe’s Eddo Brandes, a generously proportioned, yet modestly talented mid-order bat. McGrath, as is his want, was growing somewhat impatient with Brandes’ stubborn resistence. So he attempted “mental disintegration’’.
McGrath: Why are you so f..... fat’’
Brandes: Because every time I f… your wife she gives me a biscuit.’’Even McGrath’s teammates cracked up over that one.
#37
You have to wonder about movie snobs who say the sequel is never as good as the original. Have they never seen Big Tit Patrol 6?
Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 01 12 at 07:09 PM • permalinkForget this cricket balls being bowled at 100mph (60mph). Very fast delivery would be 140-150kmph (over 90 mph); standard fast delivery 120-140 kmph (dunno - 80-90mph).
Slow spin bowling can lob in at 80kph.
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2007 01 12 at 07:13 PM • permalinkGloating triumphalism is, of course, a form of teasing; a game of oneupmanship that kiddies play. The way to oneup that is to respond with poise and graciousness. Congratulate the guy on getting it right. Maybe even buy him a beer. But that’s only if you really, really want to win rather than just have a bit of fun chiacking.
And O/T, I nominate Dennis Sparrow.
for Australian of the Year.
Of the fellow who is the father of his daughter’s children he said,
"He didn’t care about the kids before he left, he f....d off on them then and now all of a sudden it’s all about him missing his kids,” Mr Sparrow said at his home in nearby Munno Para.
“Dave and his lawyers think it will help his case if he wheels the kids out _ well f… them."
paulris: what is a home run called?
Six. Sort of.
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2007 01 12 at 07:30 PM • permalink#47 Dave
Bonmot, yeah, but who’s on first?Oh I forgot. You toss to see who does what - the winner of the toss decides whether to bat or bowl.
As for your baseball comment about ‘who’s on first’, in cricket you could compare getting to first base as bowling a maiden over. But a home run in cricket would be described as meeting that maiden behind the dressing sheds after the game.
I hope that clears that up. We will be asking questions later.
Bonmot, would these maidens happen to be USC cheerleaders?
(USC = Univeristy of Southern California? No, more like University of Spoiled Children. That’s a Pac 10 joke. About as funny as naming your football team after a brand of condoms. Not to mention that one of their conference rivals is the Oregon State University Beavers. How newspaper headline writers keep a straight face when USC and OSU play each other is beyond me.)
Posted by David Crawford on 2007 01 12 at 08:36 PM • permalinkAbout as funny as naming your football team after a brand of condoms.
I live near a high school that, back when I was in high school myself, had “Home of the Thundering Trojans” painted on their football stadium.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2007 01 12 at 09:27 PM • permalink#54 Dave
Yeah mate. USC cheerleaders would equate to our cheer squads for our football. All legs and tight bums and lovely boobs. Freezing their bippies off as they try to look enthusiastic after their team was just thrashed by 50 points.* The boring truth about bowling a maiden over is a bowler who manages to bowl an over (6 balls) to the batsman who fails to take a run from any of them. Hence, bowlers love maiden overs while batsmen hate them.
An elementary mistake , Mr Blair. You’re medical assertions have been prejudiced by been born Australian. True enough, if that ball had hit Justin “the brown nose gnome” Langer in the ribs, it would have raced to the on boundary for 4 leg byes. However, Mr. Pietersen lives in a rather sad part of The Caliphate (patent pending) known as England. His bones have naturally weakened over time due to a lack of sunlight.
In reply to your esteemed colleague, Mr English, I would leave him alone. His surname alone should provide you wih mirth enough.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 12 at 11:12 PM • permalink#58 Other West Indian chants included;
“No drives, man. No drives”
and
“If you want to drive, you shoulda got a hire car, man!”
Unfortunately, Carribbean cricket has followed Carribbean society. Selected patches are nice, the rest is shite.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 13 at 12:26 AM • permalinkIn a depot once one of the techs liked to have a scribbler on a string. He upset one of the other techs somehow (probably breathing) and his string was tangled through everything on his desk and attached to his seat. Very interesting.
Revenge was sweet, however, all the techs got together and screwed his drawers closed and turned his desk toward the wall, this was a large, heavy wooden desk.
Those were the days…#45Bonmot, the scary thing is, that description of cricket makes perfect sense to me.
As for a home run? I’d call it a six.
Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 01 13 at 03:15 AM • permalink
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Karma for walking up to fast bowlers all Summer.
I think KP actually gets on better with the Aussies - they are winners.